I'm laughing at myself so hard right now, and I can't stop. I'm almost sure its subconsciously hurting my feelings, but I can't stop. LOL so I'm looking at my last few posts, and most of them are about that yucky boy, or about how much I hate... everything. Why don't we talk about some happy things now; and the yucky boy too, but *sings* "I just can't help myself!" :3
I love Jesus. Did y'all know that? He is so AWESOME. Tell me why I went to a TBN recording on Tuesday, and God surely crafted that message specifically for me. The first guy talked about being dumped, damaged, or deserted. The second guy talked about forgiveness and perception. The third guy talked about the revelation of Jesus Christ. How much more close to my heart can you even get? I learned too much in two hours.
The first guy taught me that when someone leaves you, its because they love something else more than you. I'd rather be nothing than second-best, you know what I'm talmbout? He said that you only feel deserted when you're trying to drag people into your destiny that aren't meant to be there. He also said that when someone leaves you, its not necessarily that they don't love you, or that they don't want to be a part of your life, but that they can't handle what you can handle; so sometimes that thing they love more than you, is simply peace of mind. Even though we may feel alone more than we'd like to, we have to keep going and press toward the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. You know, I'm a fighter (exclusively for things that my heart is set on), but I can't be upset when other people don't have that same spirit... not even if they did, once upon a time. And I certainly can't let it take me back to once upon a time. God will stand with me, and strengthen me all the way into forever, and that's whats really important.
The second guy taught me that forgiveness a choice. It doesn't mean you aren't upset anymore, it means you trust God and believe that He is making all things work together for our good. He made a very insightful statement, that if you waited until you felt like it to forgive someone, you would never. Lack of forgiveness turns into an awful poison called bitterness: you mean for it to hurt other people, but it really only hurts you. He said that we see things with our eyes, but we perceive things with our hearts. We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are. My withheld forgiveness never turned into bitterness. It turned into something like fear, so everything I saw looked like a potentially hurtful situation, and I ran or hid or whatever I thought was in my best interest. But God has given me a spirit of power: and I'm taking my freedom! xO
The third guy was freaking amazing. Revelation is an epiphany straight from God. He said that its time to stop following Jesus, and be like Him! But you can't be like someone you don't know. These days, I feel so familiar with the nature of our God. I have experienced Jehova Rapha, Jehova Shammah, Jehova Shalom, Jehova Jireh, and Jehova Nissi time and time again, and each time touches my spirit more deeply. Don't get me wrong, I love church, but it seems that as of late, I'm more excited to get home and into my bible so that I can find out who He is for myself.
Speaking of church, F51 makes my heart happy. And dood, last night, that room was PACKED, as it should be! I'm just a big ol' softie, but OMGSH, there was an altar call... And some of those kids who I love so dearly, who I know have just been flat out broken and struggling, went up there! Oh, I praised God from the bottom of my soul. And then I saw some of my babies go up there, and I was done. I cried... LIKE A SOFTIE. But you know what, it's kay!
Today was really good! I was in the library all day with my Macadec Gangsters, getting our Macadec swag on of course. Candace had me ROLLIN. Her anger management issues are pure comedy, realtalk xD. Its Macadec or die, but I had to sneak out during seventh period and go visit ex-seventh period class, and my boyfriend #2. "Yeaaa. Uh huh. You know what it is." >:]
All the cool kids are going to Winterfest without me tomorrow ): Of course its because me and my Macadec Gangsters (M's UP!)have to go do a two day drive by on all these other wannabe teams, so its almost okay. I'm really just wondering who's gonna take care of my babies. And Jared keeps saying how upset he is that I'm not going. Dood, sadface. Who's gonna make sure Conner and Josh act right?! WHO'S GONNA GIVE JACOB HUGS! I was gonna commission Alisha to take over while I was away, but turns out she's not going either. Blahh! Not to mention that I'm actually going to be missing Eddie James. I'll be alright, though. God know's what He's doing. Dang, I love that guy!
Dood, my St. Johns acceptance letter came yesterday. Can you say, temptation? Goodness, gracious.
Almost forgot about the yucky boy! LOL lemme stop before I have to hear his mouth about how unnecessary I am :P. Sometimes I catch myself getting jealous at some of the CRAP he tells me. My face is automatically like this when he's around (or when I'm pretending he's around -_- ROFL)--> :D. He is the cutest thing ever. I'm glad I have enough sense not to look him in the eye though. I'd tell you guys some more stuff, but I'm not tryna answer the questions I know would follow, teehee. I hate crushes, and it doesn't even have anything to do with the fact that this awfulness isn't being returned. I think my heart hates me. Everything is changing, and someone please tell me HOW it is that my feelings have nawt! Five dollars to the first person who can make it stop xD
I love Kylie Maki, and I'm super proud of her. Life is good. Even when it seems like its not, it is. Free your mind, and the peace of God will follow-- forever and ever, amen!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
#humannature
At this point, I'm so completely through with the entirety of mankind.
The nature of an adult is so condescending. Why do you insist to know my life and my intentions, when you know nothing about me? I don't really give a flying flip what you did when you were seventeen, because I'm not you. I will never be anything like you, so why don't you all just sit down before you get knocked down.
The nature of my peers is just pitiful. Why do you continuously find yourself in the same sorry situations that make you feel the same negative emotions, yet don't change a dang thing? Why do you conform, instead of embracing who you are? Why are your legs more open than your minds? Why do you do more drugs than you do homework? Why are you raising children when you're mommy isn't even done raising you? Why do you bend over backwards and cry yourself to sleep for people who don't even like you? Mostly importantly, why are you around me? I suggest you all also sit down, perhaps in a nice timeout, before you knock yourselves down.
The nature of my parents is absolutely disappointing. Why do you curse the world because you decided by your own accord to get divorced? Why are you nothing of an example? Why do you have a child, that you clearly never intended to have? I don't even know what to suggest to either of you, but please do it far from me; I'm sure you're just on your way to knocking each other down.
The nature of myself is... definitely about to change. I cry and I get angry way too much because I cannot seem to retain the proper amount of cares. I just throw them around, left and right, like anyone was ever worth a single one in the first place. So now everyone can ruin their lives the way they desire and I refuse to have any part of it. "I told you so"? Nah, because I won't have cared enough to have told you anything... never again.
The nature of you is a mystery. You looked awfully broken down today. I guess thats not my business anymore. Did you see how cute that shirt looked on you? I have amazing taste. Thats not my business anymore either, I suppose.
The nature of Damon Thompson is a blessing. The nature of my God is nothing like the nature of people-- and praise Him for that.
The nature of an adult is so condescending. Why do you insist to know my life and my intentions, when you know nothing about me? I don't really give a flying flip what you did when you were seventeen, because I'm not you. I will never be anything like you, so why don't you all just sit down before you get knocked down.
The nature of my peers is just pitiful. Why do you continuously find yourself in the same sorry situations that make you feel the same negative emotions, yet don't change a dang thing? Why do you conform, instead of embracing who you are? Why are your legs more open than your minds? Why do you do more drugs than you do homework? Why are you raising children when you're mommy isn't even done raising you? Why do you bend over backwards and cry yourself to sleep for people who don't even like you? Mostly importantly, why are you around me? I suggest you all also sit down, perhaps in a nice timeout, before you knock yourselves down.
The nature of my parents is absolutely disappointing. Why do you curse the world because you decided by your own accord to get divorced? Why are you nothing of an example? Why do you have a child, that you clearly never intended to have? I don't even know what to suggest to either of you, but please do it far from me; I'm sure you're just on your way to knocking each other down.
The nature of myself is... definitely about to change. I cry and I get angry way too much because I cannot seem to retain the proper amount of cares. I just throw them around, left and right, like anyone was ever worth a single one in the first place. So now everyone can ruin their lives the way they desire and I refuse to have any part of it. "I told you so"? Nah, because I won't have cared enough to have told you anything... never again.
The nature of you is a mystery. You looked awfully broken down today. I guess thats not my business anymore. Did you see how cute that shirt looked on you? I have amazing taste. Thats not my business anymore either, I suppose.
The nature of Damon Thompson is a blessing. The nature of my God is nothing like the nature of people-- and praise Him for that.
Monday, January 10, 2011
#rollthecredits
It hasn't even been two weeks. Sometimes I wake up and tear drops drizzle from my eyes like the soft fall of snow.
Everyone kept saying that I could manipulate myself back into your heart. They all said you just needed a new game, and that if I played it right, I'd win. I tried. "Call me, but I already know that I'm not going to pick up. I have to go, there's a lot to do today, but I'm not at school." I just couldn't do it. The way I feel for you isn't a game, and I couldn't pretend it was... and so I separated myself from you.
The ideas that have blossomed since then, are easily astonishing.
The hardest part of this is blatantly and abruptly feeling unwanted by someone who's always gone out of his way to make me feel otherwise. I am so terribly void; I'm afraid to reveal what such a gap will allow. I'm not supposed to be angry with you for not knowing what you want (the evidence does prove); you are but sixteen years old. But I can't wait around and continue to hurt, while you decide whether "what you want" is still me, or will ever be in the future. Perhaps I should be more displeased with myself, for supposing to know what I want. Since the beginning, I've only screamed for something real. What we had... was any of that real?
I'm not supposed to be mad, but sometimes my whole body is consumed with wrath.
Last night I let go of the truth that you never meant for any of this to happen. I hated you from the inner depths of my being, and I couldn't make it stop. I detested the fact that I can't get you out of my system, and you don't even think about me. Everything was suddenly in vein. I started to regret. I didn't want any parts of you. I took your pictures off of my phone, I removed you from my contacts (even your printed name has become such a sore sight), and I deleted those voice-mails that consistently paralyzed my heart. But I didn't cry myself to sleep that time.
Look what we made it. Look what we've become.
The other day, I ran across a picture of us. It was July, and all of this was still as simple as it was meant to be. Something inside of me died as I stared into your expression. It is more than likely that we will never get back to that kind of simplicity. I'm not the same person anymore. The newness of this has been all too devastating. And who are you? Are you unaffected? There isn't any newness on your part.
People change. People stay the same when they ought to have changed. The circumstances between said people are nonresistant. God will always be the same.
He is so good to me. Through all the turbulence, I still have joy. I am not always necessarily happy, but I always have joy (an experience more easily felt, than explained). God is moving in my life at such a swift pace. I miss my bestfriend, I miss my boyfriend, but God is taking care of it, and everything is just going to be okay. I am still trusting Him for a full restoration, and for a thorough healing. And I'm going to keep holding on.
Everyone kept saying that I could manipulate myself back into your heart. They all said you just needed a new game, and that if I played it right, I'd win. I tried. "Call me, but I already know that I'm not going to pick up. I have to go, there's a lot to do today, but I'm not at school." I just couldn't do it. The way I feel for you isn't a game, and I couldn't pretend it was... and so I separated myself from you.
The ideas that have blossomed since then, are easily astonishing.
The hardest part of this is blatantly and abruptly feeling unwanted by someone who's always gone out of his way to make me feel otherwise. I am so terribly void; I'm afraid to reveal what such a gap will allow. I'm not supposed to be angry with you for not knowing what you want (the evidence does prove); you are but sixteen years old. But I can't wait around and continue to hurt, while you decide whether "what you want" is still me, or will ever be in the future. Perhaps I should be more displeased with myself, for supposing to know what I want. Since the beginning, I've only screamed for something real. What we had... was any of that real?
I'm not supposed to be mad, but sometimes my whole body is consumed with wrath.
Last night I let go of the truth that you never meant for any of this to happen. I hated you from the inner depths of my being, and I couldn't make it stop. I detested the fact that I can't get you out of my system, and you don't even think about me. Everything was suddenly in vein. I started to regret. I didn't want any parts of you. I took your pictures off of my phone, I removed you from my contacts (even your printed name has become such a sore sight), and I deleted those voice-mails that consistently paralyzed my heart. But I didn't cry myself to sleep that time.
Look what we made it. Look what we've become.
The other day, I ran across a picture of us. It was July, and all of this was still as simple as it was meant to be. Something inside of me died as I stared into your expression. It is more than likely that we will never get back to that kind of simplicity. I'm not the same person anymore. The newness of this has been all too devastating. And who are you? Are you unaffected? There isn't any newness on your part.
People change. People stay the same when they ought to have changed. The circumstances between said people are nonresistant. God will always be the same.
He is so good to me. Through all the turbulence, I still have joy. I am not always necessarily happy, but I always have joy (an experience more easily felt, than explained). God is moving in my life at such a swift pace. I miss my bestfriend, I miss my boyfriend, but God is taking care of it, and everything is just going to be okay. I am still trusting Him for a full restoration, and for a thorough healing. And I'm going to keep holding on.
Saturday, January 8, 2011
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