#hurricane

Some things are just really hurtful. I'm going to try to be as indirect as possible, but I think you all know my heart by now.

Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.

The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.

So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.

Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.

But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...

To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.

Peace be multiplied to you all.

#stilldesperate

I couldn't leave you guys like that :P

So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?

Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."

"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.

Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.

I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.

If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.

But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.

My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.

#desperate

Hey guys. It's been a while.

desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.

I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.

It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.

Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.

I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.

Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.

I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.

This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.

Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.