I hate band. And I know I say that multiple times every year but I'm ferreal this time. That hat kills my hair -_-
I just slightly exploded on my twitter: Band is accelerating me into a deep slump of depression. Yes, it is that serious. This hate I've been exhibiting towards band may seem silly, but this is serious. It brings my whole life down. -_- AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I'm not going to band today after school, or tomorrow, and Duff better just hope I go to UIL. And everyone better say nice things to me today or debbie downer will swiftly turn into violent vicky. Band is Satan in the form of an extracurricular activity. It's killing my grades, stealing my joy, and DESTROYING my social life. XO And for all you cool kids that were smart and got out... don't even talk to me.
School definitely does not start until 8:15, but someone please explain to me why I'm up every freaking morning at six, to be to school at 7:00. And on Tuesdays I don't get to leave until five, because I have woodwind sectionals that don't even improve anything. Fridays are for sleeping (OF COURSE WE'RE ALL TIRED BY THEN), but you know what I get to do instead? Go to the stupid football games. I don't even like football anymore. xO Saturday before last, we had a band competition that lasted until like seven thirty at night. We sucked. Last Saturday we had another competition in the MIDDLE OF NO WHERE, that wanted me to be out of my house at 10 AM, and we didn't even get back until 11 PM. I didn't go until 1:30 because really, eff band, and everyone there. I swear its like this band director is missing half a brain.
This Saturday is UIL. OH WAIT, this Saturday is Homecoming too! I can't even be exciting for my last homecoming because band, again, ruins everything. I'm gonna be rushing to get ready after we go phail at UIL. But then again, there will be an overwhelming joy that sweeps my body after competition season is over. We wont make a one, so we won't be going to area, and praise God for that. Even if the band goes to area, I ferdangsure won't be going.
I'm so tired all the time, and on Saturdays when I have a semi-opportunity to sleep in, I wake up extra early. I blame band for that too. When I get home from school everyday, I don't wanna do anything that even looks like school work. When's the last time I read for acadec? Yuhh, I don't know either. I haven't been reading my bible or spending much time with God, because I just want to get in the bed and pretend I didn't wake up at six.
Mr. Duff is like the rudest person ever! He talks to the drum majors like they're dogs, and he doesn't even care about what anyone else has to say. If you come to him, telling him your freaking mother died of cancer the night before, and that's why you missed a football game, I promise, the only response you'll get is. “Yea, alright, okay.” I hate that man with a deep flaming passion that burns from the inner core of my soul.
I've been absent a lot, because my happiness is more important than whatever Mr. Duff wants me to do. And there's this “policy” that says if you have two unexcused absences, or four unexcused tardies, then your six-weeks average will come down by ten points. I'm not keeping track, and I dont care whether he is or not, but LET my grade be affected. Like really, try me. And watch how fast me, the principal, and my mother will be raising hell in his office.
Why am I still doing this? I want my letterman jacket. God, give me strength. You know I need it.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Brainfried.
Heyy. I was trying to do this yesterday, but my internet was being super ghetto.
My school week was normal, I guess. I'm so over school. But I got an 80 on my statistics test on Friday; I also scored a 95 on my spanish retest. No C's on my progress report, ayeee :D
My love called me on Tuesday, and vented about how he feels beat up by just going into the freakin' school building. He sounded so broken, and it made me so sad. I wish he'd just come to school with me. Then we can talk about Jesus all day, and show all these nonbelievers what's really what. <3
Church on Wednesday was simply amazing. I was definitely reminded how hardcore Eric Cole can be. The sermon was about how everyone has so many ridiculous excuses about why they cant be the brightest light in school. At the end he had us light candles and see how our individual fires lit up the whole room. Sometimes I think I'm just blending and not radiating at all, but so far I've been told by two people who I look up to a lot that they can see the God in me when I get around them.
There wasn't a football game on Friday, so me, Jerrett, Artaya, Candace, and Taylor decided we were gonna go to Academy and dance at their little school function. TELL ME WHY THAT CRAP WAS LIKE A BAD QUINCE. I was so madd, they STOLE my six dollars. I was too ready to dance. Everything happens for a reason though, I suppose.
On Saturday, me, Andres, Jordan, Alicia, and Andy rode the train to downtown Ft. Worth and ate at P.F. Chang's. Andy is a retard. I wanted a piece of his broccoli, but he was being stingey because I wouldnt share my appetizer. SO, I reached my fork out to get a piece anyway, and he proceeded to take the piece I had off of my fork, and then eat every other piece on his plate. Funny part is, he doesn't even LIKE broccoli. Jordan is sexist. After everyone was done with their soup, I started to stack up the bowls and plates for the waitor. The conversation goes as follows; Jordan: Why are you doing that?! That's not your job! Me: It's called hometraining! Jordan: It's called you're a woman. LOL, right? Yea, I popped him when we got out of the restaurant :D
When we got back to Irving, we went to the park and... I had a lot of fun with Alica. Sometimes I forget how much I actually enjoy being around her because we dont see each other as much anymore. I wish she'd stop treating me like a badman, and realize I'm gonna be there for her always, though.
Soo, I'm not gonna lie. I was megatron distracted during service on Sunday morning, and I only have a vague idea of what pastor was talking about. Its not my fault though. I finally got to see Jacob; it'd been a while, lol.
My heart is in such a weird place right now. On Monday, You made me understand that theres no reason to worry. You made me feel special, even through your angry words. And I started to believe you: that I was the only one and that nothing was gonna get between us. I guess I just kind of let myself... fall, after that. But last night, you hurt me so badly, because you "stopped thinking". I dont ever stop thinking about you, not like that. Like, I stopped worrying about one girl, just to start worrying about another? I'd like to think its them, not you, but no wonder I stopped hearing about her, huh. I was so hurt, but I couldn't even cry until I heard your voice. And I called you at two in the morning because I couldn't sleep feeling so distant. You broke me down, but you're the only one who could've built me back up. I can't figure out why I'm not ready to just be done with you. I want to forgive you, and I want to trust you, and I want to go on like nothing happened. But how am I supposed to trust you now? You're always honest about your mistakes, but I can't live in love waiting for you to mess up again. I can't live in love trying to pick myself back up off the floor on a regular basis either.
My brain is so fried. I'm tired of feeling. But I love you, and I know you love me; I know you didn't ever mean for any of this to happen...
"I know I misbehave, and you've made your mistakes, and we both still got room left to grow. And though love sometimes hurts, I still put you first, and we'll make this thing work, but I think we should take it slow... We're just ordinary people." <3
My school week was normal, I guess. I'm so over school. But I got an 80 on my statistics test on Friday; I also scored a 95 on my spanish retest. No C's on my progress report, ayeee :D
My love called me on Tuesday, and vented about how he feels beat up by just going into the freakin' school building. He sounded so broken, and it made me so sad. I wish he'd just come to school with me. Then we can talk about Jesus all day, and show all these nonbelievers what's really what. <3
Church on Wednesday was simply amazing. I was definitely reminded how hardcore Eric Cole can be. The sermon was about how everyone has so many ridiculous excuses about why they cant be the brightest light in school. At the end he had us light candles and see how our individual fires lit up the whole room. Sometimes I think I'm just blending and not radiating at all, but so far I've been told by two people who I look up to a lot that they can see the God in me when I get around them.
There wasn't a football game on Friday, so me, Jerrett, Artaya, Candace, and Taylor decided we were gonna go to Academy and dance at their little school function. TELL ME WHY THAT CRAP WAS LIKE A BAD QUINCE. I was so madd, they STOLE my six dollars. I was too ready to dance. Everything happens for a reason though, I suppose.
On Saturday, me, Andres, Jordan, Alicia, and Andy rode the train to downtown Ft. Worth and ate at P.F. Chang's. Andy is a retard. I wanted a piece of his broccoli, but he was being stingey because I wouldnt share my appetizer. SO, I reached my fork out to get a piece anyway, and he proceeded to take the piece I had off of my fork, and then eat every other piece on his plate. Funny part is, he doesn't even LIKE broccoli. Jordan is sexist. After everyone was done with their soup, I started to stack up the bowls and plates for the waitor. The conversation goes as follows; Jordan: Why are you doing that?! That's not your job! Me: It's called hometraining! Jordan: It's called you're a woman. LOL, right? Yea, I popped him when we got out of the restaurant :D
When we got back to Irving, we went to the park and... I had a lot of fun with Alica. Sometimes I forget how much I actually enjoy being around her because we dont see each other as much anymore. I wish she'd stop treating me like a badman, and realize I'm gonna be there for her always, though.
Soo, I'm not gonna lie. I was megatron distracted during service on Sunday morning, and I only have a vague idea of what pastor was talking about. Its not my fault though. I finally got to see Jacob; it'd been a while, lol.
My heart is in such a weird place right now. On Monday, You made me understand that theres no reason to worry. You made me feel special, even through your angry words. And I started to believe you: that I was the only one and that nothing was gonna get between us. I guess I just kind of let myself... fall, after that. But last night, you hurt me so badly, because you "stopped thinking". I dont ever stop thinking about you, not like that. Like, I stopped worrying about one girl, just to start worrying about another? I'd like to think its them, not you, but no wonder I stopped hearing about her, huh. I was so hurt, but I couldn't even cry until I heard your voice. And I called you at two in the morning because I couldn't sleep feeling so distant. You broke me down, but you're the only one who could've built me back up. I can't figure out why I'm not ready to just be done with you. I want to forgive you, and I want to trust you, and I want to go on like nothing happened. But how am I supposed to trust you now? You're always honest about your mistakes, but I can't live in love waiting for you to mess up again. I can't live in love trying to pick myself back up off the floor on a regular basis either.
My brain is so fried. I'm tired of feeling. But I love you, and I know you love me; I know you didn't ever mean for any of this to happen...
"I know I misbehave, and you've made your mistakes, and we both still got room left to grow. And though love sometimes hurts, I still put you first, and we'll make this thing work, but I think we should take it slow... We're just ordinary people." <3
Sunday, September 5, 2010
It Never Stops
I'm officially over and done with school. I mean not ferreal, but in my head? Ohhhyeaaa. Getting there at seven for bandbull is, FAR. Acadec homework every night is repetitious. The people aren't that bad, but I'm still convinced my spirit would be better off elsewhere.
Hey, did I tell you guys my mom went to jail on Sunday night? Yuuup, its been a long week. My dad bailed her out the next day, but... I'm still not sure how I feel about that. He's too sweet. The funny part is: this all could have been avoided had she not been, well, my mother. Bless her heart. I died and barely came back to life that night too, figuratively speaking of course. Realistically probably would have been less painful. For the first time, I wanted to hurt you. But I never want you to hurt on my account. That's confusing. What about us isn't? Don't you read this and feel bad all over again.
I miss our Monday night prayer meetings, terribly. Shut up, I know, God is everywhere I want him to be. But the amazing support I get from being there, isn't. At least not in the way I need it to be. But I don't run anything, so it's whatever. Monday was the start of a beautiful thing; no more Calculus. Statistics is amazing. We haven't gotten into any of the math, woot.
Tuesdays were made to be fillers between Mondays and Wednesdays. If I phail ten tests [I only have seven classes a day], tumble down the stairs, and get stabbed in the neck, Wednesday will forever be a glorious day. You already know why. It completely rained Thursday morning, so we weren't subjected to early morning sweat and discomfort. God is so good to me. Thursday night, I won the homework battle. You outsiders probably think that means I did all of my work with time to spare, but really, I didn't do any of it and he couldn't make me. I love you, though ;]
We lost the football game on Friday. YEA, we drove to Plano to get womped on, when I could have been in my bed. You already know how that makes me feel. Satan got all up IN my head on bus ride back, and trying to drown it out with my bad singing and music I didn't wanna hear was a phail. To sum it up: I will continuously beat myself up trying to be perfect for you. You don't know what I'm talking about because you can't see and/or choose to disregard my infinite flaws. I don't want there to be anything to see or disregard. It's hard to explain. What about us isn't?
Saturday morning, I woke up and got my hurr did. It was a much needed appointment, if I do say so myself. And then that night I went to Midi-evil Times with Ms. Alisha Chante for her birthday. That was actually a lot of fun! Perhaps thats why I woke up in such a pleasant mood. Church this morning was... empty, but the message was superior. Kudos to Pastor Wooten. <3 Today I discovered that secular music doesn't control my emotions as much as I thought it does. Listening to music "I shouldn't be" doesn't evoke any feelings besides the joy of "hey lets dance!" I don't know; I still need to make some decisions about that.
Today I also discovered that I am one bitter something. Super, not sexy, right? I KNOW. I almost cut down the person who builds me up so much of the time, because I'm bitter. I thought I was done with that, except for the more-than-occasional violent thought I think towards her. Wake up bae, we need to talk about this...
Hey Matthew, if you're reading this: Magen keeps bothering me, saying I like you. Please make her stop, she annoys me. Pahaha.
I love Emily Edwards. <--unofficial white sister, fersure <3
Hey, did I tell you guys my mom went to jail on Sunday night? Yuuup, its been a long week. My dad bailed her out the next day, but... I'm still not sure how I feel about that. He's too sweet. The funny part is: this all could have been avoided had she not been, well, my mother. Bless her heart. I died and barely came back to life that night too, figuratively speaking of course. Realistically probably would have been less painful. For the first time, I wanted to hurt you. But I never want you to hurt on my account. That's confusing. What about us isn't? Don't you read this and feel bad all over again.
I miss our Monday night prayer meetings, terribly. Shut up, I know, God is everywhere I want him to be. But the amazing support I get from being there, isn't. At least not in the way I need it to be. But I don't run anything, so it's whatever. Monday was the start of a beautiful thing; no more Calculus. Statistics is amazing. We haven't gotten into any of the math, woot.
Tuesdays were made to be fillers between Mondays and Wednesdays. If I phail ten tests [I only have seven classes a day], tumble down the stairs, and get stabbed in the neck, Wednesday will forever be a glorious day. You already know why. It completely rained Thursday morning, so we weren't subjected to early morning sweat and discomfort. God is so good to me. Thursday night, I won the homework battle. You outsiders probably think that means I did all of my work with time to spare, but really, I didn't do any of it and he couldn't make me. I love you, though ;]
We lost the football game on Friday. YEA, we drove to Plano to get womped on, when I could have been in my bed. You already know how that makes me feel. Satan got all up IN my head on bus ride back, and trying to drown it out with my bad singing and music I didn't wanna hear was a phail. To sum it up: I will continuously beat myself up trying to be perfect for you. You don't know what I'm talking about because you can't see and/or choose to disregard my infinite flaws. I don't want there to be anything to see or disregard. It's hard to explain. What about us isn't?
Saturday morning, I woke up and got my hurr did. It was a much needed appointment, if I do say so myself. And then that night I went to Midi-evil Times with Ms. Alisha Chante for her birthday. That was actually a lot of fun! Perhaps thats why I woke up in such a pleasant mood. Church this morning was... empty, but the message was superior. Kudos to Pastor Wooten. <3 Today I discovered that secular music doesn't control my emotions as much as I thought it does. Listening to music "I shouldn't be" doesn't evoke any feelings besides the joy of "hey lets dance!" I don't know; I still need to make some decisions about that.
Today I also discovered that I am one bitter something. Super, not sexy, right? I KNOW. I almost cut down the person who builds me up so much of the time, because I'm bitter. I thought I was done with that, except for the more-than-occasional violent thought I think towards her. Wake up bae, we need to talk about this...
Hey Matthew, if you're reading this: Magen keeps bothering me, saying I like you. Please make her stop, she annoys me. Pahaha.
I love Emily Edwards. <--unofficial white sister, fersure <3
Saturday, August 28, 2010
School Days
School started last week. I am such a drama queen, because it's not even that bad. I love my schedule, and what's not suprising at all is the fact that my spirit gets more abused at home than it does at school. What was I worried about? Pshh.
First period is band, as always. Our new director is well, new. He does things a lot differently. Some of the changes are good, like not having night practices, but I feel like more of them are just irritating me. Second period is Counsiling and Mental Health. Can you say complete blow off class? I didn't expect it to be hard, but I did expect to learn. Third period is Academic Decathalon. I am so proud of myself! I've actually been keeping up with my work, and its not as much as it seems like it is. I really wanna make the team. Fourth period on A day is Advanced Health. There are some interesting characters in there, but I'm expecting it to be fun. How can it not be when you get to perform for elementary students and eat off campus? :P My fourth period on B day is PALs. I had fun with that last year and I'm glad I decided to do it again this year. I always thought I hated kids, but that class helped me realize that they're the best people you'll ever meet. Fifth period is AP Economics. Me, Candace, Sheyla, Artaya, and Jerrett, have too much fun in there xD. Mr. Turner teaches it but, GASP! We still manage to keep a classroom environment. Sixth period is Spanish 3. I love Mrs. Pope! She's so funny, and it kind of amazes me how a full white woman can speak such authentic spanish. Not to mention that she totally said "far" the other day, haha. Seventh period [as of now] is AP Calculus. I definitely only signed up for that class because I thought I wouldn't be able to take AP Statistics. Hallelujah, the Lord is faithful and I should have a schedule change coming through on Monday. Sixth period will be AP Statistics, and seventh period will be Spanish 3. The only sacrafice was that instead of taking AP psychology next semester, I'll have to take... something else? I don't remember. It's a garbage class though. I was just happy to have been set free from Calculus and the wrath of Mr. Tillerson. xD
Last night was my last first football game and halftime performance. I can't believe I'm a senior. I have to do something about college! I have to be able to keep it together when everything starts to end! I have to make memories that will last forever. xO What am I going to do with myself? D:
Living with my mother is getting out of hand. Sometimes this house feels like prison. I have so much built up resentment towards her, I kind of don't think it'll ever mellow out. I dont look up to her anymore, she doesn't make me smile anymore, it's just a mess. I should be used to it, I should be over it, but I'm not. Silly me. Oh my goodness. Thursday night, my Lyric May had to experience the devastation of being alive. Not cool at all, she's only two! My heart seriously just broke when I heard her start to cry, but at least I was there to hold her while the grown ups acted like they weren't grown.
Hey. Hey you. Yes, you. I hate her, because she makes me feel so insignificant. You have way more history with her than with me, and you think that just because you say she doesnt matter that I'm supposed to believe that in my heart. I wish I could, because I know you only say things that you mean. And I'll deal with it as fast as I can, I promise. It's my problem, not yours.
But back to happiness, and friends, and joy.
Band isn't the same without Christopher Del Monte. Why don't me and Jamie Bell ever see each other? I need for Magen Thornton to drop out of college and come back to me. I miss Theodore Beyene, oddly, or perhaps not that oddly, lol. Keithbear is a traitor. I'm so proud of Alisha Harper-Motte. School is really messing up me and Jennifer West's friendship... or maybe it's that dumb job of hers! I'm going to kidnap Shey Stults and not even feel bad about it. I love Matthew Argenbright. F51 is still the light of my life. God is so good, although I am so unworthy. Praise Him.
First period is band, as always. Our new director is well, new. He does things a lot differently. Some of the changes are good, like not having night practices, but I feel like more of them are just irritating me. Second period is Counsiling and Mental Health. Can you say complete blow off class? I didn't expect it to be hard, but I did expect to learn. Third period is Academic Decathalon. I am so proud of myself! I've actually been keeping up with my work, and its not as much as it seems like it is. I really wanna make the team. Fourth period on A day is Advanced Health. There are some interesting characters in there, but I'm expecting it to be fun. How can it not be when you get to perform for elementary students and eat off campus? :P My fourth period on B day is PALs. I had fun with that last year and I'm glad I decided to do it again this year. I always thought I hated kids, but that class helped me realize that they're the best people you'll ever meet. Fifth period is AP Economics. Me, Candace, Sheyla, Artaya, and Jerrett, have too much fun in there xD. Mr. Turner teaches it but, GASP! We still manage to keep a classroom environment. Sixth period is Spanish 3. I love Mrs. Pope! She's so funny, and it kind of amazes me how a full white woman can speak such authentic spanish. Not to mention that she totally said "far" the other day, haha. Seventh period [as of now] is AP Calculus. I definitely only signed up for that class because I thought I wouldn't be able to take AP Statistics. Hallelujah, the Lord is faithful and I should have a schedule change coming through on Monday. Sixth period will be AP Statistics, and seventh period will be Spanish 3. The only sacrafice was that instead of taking AP psychology next semester, I'll have to take... something else? I don't remember. It's a garbage class though. I was just happy to have been set free from Calculus and the wrath of Mr. Tillerson. xD
Last night was my last first football game and halftime performance. I can't believe I'm a senior. I have to do something about college! I have to be able to keep it together when everything starts to end! I have to make memories that will last forever. xO What am I going to do with myself? D:
Living with my mother is getting out of hand. Sometimes this house feels like prison. I have so much built up resentment towards her, I kind of don't think it'll ever mellow out. I dont look up to her anymore, she doesn't make me smile anymore, it's just a mess. I should be used to it, I should be over it, but I'm not. Silly me. Oh my goodness. Thursday night, my Lyric May had to experience the devastation of being alive. Not cool at all, she's only two! My heart seriously just broke when I heard her start to cry, but at least I was there to hold her while the grown ups acted like they weren't grown.
Hey. Hey you. Yes, you. I hate her, because she makes me feel so insignificant. You have way more history with her than with me, and you think that just because you say she doesnt matter that I'm supposed to believe that in my heart. I wish I could, because I know you only say things that you mean. And I'll deal with it as fast as I can, I promise. It's my problem, not yours.
But back to happiness, and friends, and joy.
Band isn't the same without Christopher Del Monte. Why don't me and Jamie Bell ever see each other? I need for Magen Thornton to drop out of college and come back to me. I miss Theodore Beyene, oddly, or perhaps not that oddly, lol. Keithbear is a traitor. I'm so proud of Alisha Harper-Motte. School is really messing up me and Jennifer West's friendship... or maybe it's that dumb job of hers! I'm going to kidnap Shey Stults and not even feel bad about it. I love Matthew Argenbright. F51 is still the light of my life. God is so good, although I am so unworthy. Praise Him.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Go away, I dislike you.
In June, I posted one of my poems called "Mad". I think I might have been casting bad omens over my life when I wrote that poem, because omgsh. The freaking poem has come to life.
In the poem, he's asleep, and she's trying to be quiet so that he wont wake up and see all of the bad things locked up inside her heart that come out in the middle of the night. And she's fighting her demons with everything she has, but they win. And she's hurt because she thought she'd gotten good at keeping them under wraps. And then her feelings become so misplaced, and she just starts to physically break down. Then to top it all off, right in the middle of such a glorious moment in her life, he wakes up...
How inconvenient, right?
"I cannot let him see this dangerously deluded monster creeping, crawling out of me." I know right! Because I'm telling you how bad its gonna get, and I'm urging you to just leave so you wont be subjected to such nonsense, but I don't wanna demonstrate. I wish you'd listen, so this wouldn't happen again.
"Kick, fight, bite, and SCREAM." Yo, I don't just let these things get inside my head. Although I'm thinking I should now, because it doesn't even matter anymore. You've already seen; I don't think theres much left thats worth fighting to hide.
"In fear of myself, and with all that I've done, the worst is still yet to come..." Look. I've felt systematically beaten down by everyone that was supposed to build me up since I was old enough to know that I needed to be loved. "What happened?" Nothing happened: life happened. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; and unfortunately their actions have triggered certain reactions. I would have been fine if you didn't make me give away my swagg, like I didn't need it or something. Since all I have now is raw emotion, I'm sure its all downhill from here. Do yourself a favor. I'll be okay, and you'll be even better.
The last two lines say: "And he has come to the realization that I am no good for him." Whats the hold up, bae?
In the poem, he's asleep, and she's trying to be quiet so that he wont wake up and see all of the bad things locked up inside her heart that come out in the middle of the night. And she's fighting her demons with everything she has, but they win. And she's hurt because she thought she'd gotten good at keeping them under wraps. And then her feelings become so misplaced, and she just starts to physically break down. Then to top it all off, right in the middle of such a glorious moment in her life, he wakes up...
How inconvenient, right?
"I cannot let him see this dangerously deluded monster creeping, crawling out of me." I know right! Because I'm telling you how bad its gonna get, and I'm urging you to just leave so you wont be subjected to such nonsense, but I don't wanna demonstrate. I wish you'd listen, so this wouldn't happen again.
"Kick, fight, bite, and SCREAM." Yo, I don't just let these things get inside my head. Although I'm thinking I should now, because it doesn't even matter anymore. You've already seen; I don't think theres much left thats worth fighting to hide.
"In fear of myself, and with all that I've done, the worst is still yet to come..." Look. I've felt systematically beaten down by everyone that was supposed to build me up since I was old enough to know that I needed to be loved. "What happened?" Nothing happened: life happened. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; and unfortunately their actions have triggered certain reactions. I would have been fine if you didn't make me give away my swagg, like I didn't need it or something. Since all I have now is raw emotion, I'm sure its all downhill from here. Do yourself a favor. I'll be okay, and you'll be even better.
The last two lines say: "And he has come to the realization that I am no good for him." Whats the hold up, bae?
Friday, August 6, 2010
I Hate This Part...
Let me just say this again: I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY BEST FRIEND OVER SOMETHING SILLY.
Lane says that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. He's a smart kidd.
Last night I was jealous... because I knew she was with you, and thats where I wanted to be. And when I texted you, I wasn't going to say anything about it because thats not my place, but you... why are you so honest with me? And since when have I preferred ignorance over bliss? Its not that I'd rather you lie, its that I wish the whole truth didn't make me want to self destruct.
Jennifer says that if I don't start communicating with you, telling you how I feel, all the bad things that could ever happen will definitely happen.
That used to not be a problem. I know I can always tell my best friend anything. But I think that the circumstances are making me forget that you are, indeed, my best friend. It's unacceptable on my part, and I hope you'll be patient and forgiving until I learn how to do better. The circumstances make me want to run when you need me to stay, and even when I need to stay. And I don't recall running from anything, but with you its like my first instinct.
I keep saying that everything will be alright, but I don't know that I mean it.
I can't even explain the extent of what my mind was subjected to last night. I was mad at you for hurting me, and I was mad at me for letting myself be hurt in the first place. And I was so sad... but I couldn't cry until I stopped focusing on what you did, and started to realize what I didn't do. And then I was sorry for not being there.
I love you so much, and not saying it is unnatural, but how am I supposed to say that and not remember? How am I supposed to open up and make myself vulnerable when I know what can happen. That's why I've been running, and thats why I wouldn't communicate. I'm scared for us.
You say you're a horrible person.
Being confused doesn't make you evil. Thinking about how wrong you are takes the fear out of my heart: and then it makes me love you... which puts the fear right back in. What are we gonna do?
Whatever you do, don't worry about me! I'm perfect as long as I have my BFF, and he's happy.
<3
Lane says that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. He's a smart kidd.
Last night I was jealous... because I knew she was with you, and thats where I wanted to be. And when I texted you, I wasn't going to say anything about it because thats not my place, but you... why are you so honest with me? And since when have I preferred ignorance over bliss? Its not that I'd rather you lie, its that I wish the whole truth didn't make me want to self destruct.
Jennifer says that if I don't start communicating with you, telling you how I feel, all the bad things that could ever happen will definitely happen.
That used to not be a problem. I know I can always tell my best friend anything. But I think that the circumstances are making me forget that you are, indeed, my best friend. It's unacceptable on my part, and I hope you'll be patient and forgiving until I learn how to do better. The circumstances make me want to run when you need me to stay, and even when I need to stay. And I don't recall running from anything, but with you its like my first instinct.
I keep saying that everything will be alright, but I don't know that I mean it.
I can't even explain the extent of what my mind was subjected to last night. I was mad at you for hurting me, and I was mad at me for letting myself be hurt in the first place. And I was so sad... but I couldn't cry until I stopped focusing on what you did, and started to realize what I didn't do. And then I was sorry for not being there.
I love you so much, and not saying it is unnatural, but how am I supposed to say that and not remember? How am I supposed to open up and make myself vulnerable when I know what can happen. That's why I've been running, and thats why I wouldn't communicate. I'm scared for us.
You say you're a horrible person.
Being confused doesn't make you evil. Thinking about how wrong you are takes the fear out of my heart: and then it makes me love you... which puts the fear right back in. What are we gonna do?
Whatever you do, don't worry about me! I'm perfect as long as I have my BFF, and he's happy.
<3
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Um. I still really don't know whats going on in my life.
Band camp started on Monday; I absolutely HATE being around all those people who remind me of my old self and make it hard for me not to slip back into my old ways. I love them, but I don't love the effect they have on me. Sigh.
My heart has been mostly conflicted. But Jennifer helped me realize today that, I don't wanna lose my best friend over something silly. I actually get pretty scared when I start to think about it. And the best thing to do would be to just talk it out, right? But I don't wanna go there... LOL, and today I felt my first wave of intense jealousy. What an adventure; here we goooo. ;]
I figured we'd just have poetry time since I'm not mentally able to talk about anything else :P
System Error
This love has conquered all
Yet undivided, now we fall
Because you have got the best of me
And we won’t ever be the same”
It’s the way that I love you
Like our lungs love the air
But the oxygen supply
Won’t support the wear and tear
It’s the way that you love me
Like our hearts love the beat
But the blood flow is slowing down
System error to replete
And I am surely suffocating
My body cannot bear the waiting
Except that is what I know to do
Hold by breath and wait for you
And I try to stay alive
Reminiscing once upon a time
Because you promised happily ever after
I’m afraid our picture perfect has shattered
Its tiny parts are all too faded, too scattered
We aren’t brave enough for heartbreak
So we settle for heartache
And we pick up the pieces
To make the same mistakes
I love you like you love me
But perhaps we just weren’t meant to be
But wait just a minute, you have to know
That I won’t ever let this go.
“This love has got the best of me
and we wont ever be the same”
I wonder what prompted me to write that. Have you ever been so dependent on someone that when they weren't there you found yourself breaking down? But you never thought in advance to protect your heart because they we're supposed to stay. And it seems like a one-way pain, but both of you are feeling the burn. And you try to make it better, but you don't change anything, and by the time you just let go... you've got permanent scars from so many broken pieces.
My life is great. My friends are greater. My God is greatest. <3
Band camp started on Monday; I absolutely HATE being around all those people who remind me of my old self and make it hard for me not to slip back into my old ways. I love them, but I don't love the effect they have on me. Sigh.
My heart has been mostly conflicted. But Jennifer helped me realize today that, I don't wanna lose my best friend over something silly. I actually get pretty scared when I start to think about it. And the best thing to do would be to just talk it out, right? But I don't wanna go there... LOL, and today I felt my first wave of intense jealousy. What an adventure; here we goooo. ;]
I figured we'd just have poetry time since I'm not mentally able to talk about anything else :P
System Error
This love has conquered all
Yet undivided, now we fall
Because you have got the best of me
And we won’t ever be the same”
It’s the way that I love you
Like our lungs love the air
But the oxygen supply
Won’t support the wear and tear
It’s the way that you love me
Like our hearts love the beat
But the blood flow is slowing down
System error to replete
And I am surely suffocating
My body cannot bear the waiting
Except that is what I know to do
Hold by breath and wait for you
And I try to stay alive
Reminiscing once upon a time
Because you promised happily ever after
I’m afraid our picture perfect has shattered
Its tiny parts are all too faded, too scattered
We aren’t brave enough for heartbreak
So we settle for heartache
And we pick up the pieces
To make the same mistakes
I love you like you love me
But perhaps we just weren’t meant to be
But wait just a minute, you have to know
That I won’t ever let this go.
“This love has got the best of me
and we wont ever be the same”
I wonder what prompted me to write that. Have you ever been so dependent on someone that when they weren't there you found yourself breaking down? But you never thought in advance to protect your heart because they we're supposed to stay. And it seems like a one-way pain, but both of you are feeling the burn. And you try to make it better, but you don't change anything, and by the time you just let go... you've got permanent scars from so many broken pieces.
My life is great. My friends are greater. My God is greatest. <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)