What a shallow distraction.
I'm a really good person. I love people (believe it or not). I like to have their trust, and I like for them to know how much I care. I get excited when I think of something sweet to do for someone else, especially when it's unwarranted. I love babies. If I could have a child (infant to 3) with me at all times, I'd so do it. You know why I like babies? Because there aren't ever any complications to the truth. When they're mad, they're mad, and that's it. When they love, they love wholeheartedly because they haven't been corrupted into knowing otherwise. I have a big heart for preteens too. I'm probably the only person in the world who thinks middle schoolers are precious, but aye, I'll save them all myself. I remember how lost I was in middle school, and how much I needed to be found. If only someone had cared, you know? So I do. And I care a lot.
Caring a lot, no matter how hard I try to pretend that I don't, is a general rule for me. I'm sure God meant for it to be a blessing, but Satan always manages it to turn it into a curse.
I'm going to have the most awesome family that was ever crafted. And like, I'm not even kidding. I'm going to be rocking the world with my counseling skills, and my husband is going to be rocking the world with his ministering skills, and together we are going to be unstoppable. Isn't that really what love is? Unstoppable. We'll get into that later. I want two kids. My oldest son will be named Elijah Michael, and my second is still up in the air. I really don't want a daughter. My husband is going to be the most gorgeous white man I've ever seen. Because love makes people gorgeous too. Divorce is not even going to be a word welcome in my home-- and that's really how I feel. And of course, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.
The most stunning kinds of pain occur when there are few tears to be cried, and no words to even be mumbled.
I've got some crazy destructive habits. Friendships and others may be victimized, but it's mainly only myself. I struggle with thin lines (like the one between love and lust). I'm... very capable of drawing what I want from people. Turns out I like attention, too. At times I have such a drive to be disconnected from the world around me. The ways I strive to get there are less than healthy. In middle school I was obsessed with drugs. As of late, I just want to drink until I can't think straight anymore. But do not misunderstand me; I've never done either. I think that some things are better left unsaid, unfelt, unexperienced. You don't have to go through it all to know it all. I wish I'd realized that before. I don't trust myself with adult things because I don't make very grown-up decisions.
Those end-all thoughts I've been swallowed up in aren't quite gone. If I told you they were, I lied.
I'd like to think I have an innocent heart. I like VeggieTales and coloring. I like music/movies that remind me of my childhood. I wait on things that I know won't happen, lol. My favorite band is Paramore. My favorite rapper is Kanye West. I love Jesus Christ. Oh man, sometimes I get so caught up. My favorite color is pink. My birthday is February 12th. I was born in up-state New York. Things aren't always what they seem. I will forever be a sucker for love. I like hugs. I probably need one. At this very moment, I feel utterly consumed in my sin.
I mentioned that talking about myself was a shallow distraction. But since when has shallow ever failed me?
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
#sadlife
"Tryna make it work, but man, these times are hard." No kidding.
Anyone who knows me knows that me and my mother have never had a decent relationship. It's like, common knowledge. But I don't even know what kind of demonic shenanigans have been going on in this house lately. And even trying to explain is kind of abstract, cuz I can't even believe this is my real life.
Last night was the first night since I got saved that I legitimately was questioning whether or not I want to be alive. Like I always talk about how ready I am to get up out of this awful world, but... you know what I'm saying. Certain circumstances that are far beyond my control have me really down on God. I'm misunderstanding Him (at the least) and I feel so deceived. A lot of things seem to be falling apart all at once and I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been eating much, and my face is breaking out like a bandit.
But I know better than to doubt God! I know a lot of things, and a lot of scriptures. But to believe them is something different. For a while, I wasn't trying, but now I am. Man, last night I felt so low. I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't stop crying. It was rough, bro. I wanted to tell Satan that he's not welcome here anymore, and I wanted to call out to Jesus... but I couldn't. It sucks to feel the spirit leaving you, but be so paralyzed that you can't even call Him back.
My mother thinks I'm anorexic. How does a "loving" mother deal with her "anorexic" child? Screams and force-feeds her, of course! Like I don't know what her deal is, but I really don't feel like I have a reason to starve myself. You feel me? Matter of fact, I MISS enjoying food.
She is the only person in this entire world that can make me go bankrupt on self-esteem points in less than five minutes. It's ridiculous. This ought not be so! She is my MOTHER. I don't understand her and unfortunately my willingness to try expired long ago. So I bet when college starts, that's the end of that. I'm not going to call her, and I'm certainly not going to come back to this house when I don't have to. As determined and heartless as that makes me sound, it's saddens me. I think every daughter deserves a mother. Don't you agree?
So this morning I read like half the bible trying to find some peace and get the spirit back... and then my mom started with her foolishness again. All is vanity, swear. And now I'm waiting for my daddy to come pick me up. I'ma stay with him for a few days so that I don't end up even more damaged than I already am before church on Wednesday.
Cuz you know what? I HATE being around all those people who look up to me and expect more from me when I'm so down. Like, I know I'm only a person, but I wanna be so much more for them.
Ugh, I don't even know what to say anymore. But if you love me, and you read this, please hold me accountable for these end-my-life feelings I've been experiencing.
LOL this blog is so bad. Like, my writer-swag is no where to be found. Bloop.
Shoutout to the sweetheart who got me through last night. And shoutout to Chrystal Cole for loving me the way my mother will forever fail to.
Guys, it's gonna be okay! Promise.
Anyone who knows me knows that me and my mother have never had a decent relationship. It's like, common knowledge. But I don't even know what kind of demonic shenanigans have been going on in this house lately. And even trying to explain is kind of abstract, cuz I can't even believe this is my real life.
Last night was the first night since I got saved that I legitimately was questioning whether or not I want to be alive. Like I always talk about how ready I am to get up out of this awful world, but... you know what I'm saying. Certain circumstances that are far beyond my control have me really down on God. I'm misunderstanding Him (at the least) and I feel so deceived. A lot of things seem to be falling apart all at once and I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been eating much, and my face is breaking out like a bandit.
But I know better than to doubt God! I know a lot of things, and a lot of scriptures. But to believe them is something different. For a while, I wasn't trying, but now I am. Man, last night I felt so low. I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't stop crying. It was rough, bro. I wanted to tell Satan that he's not welcome here anymore, and I wanted to call out to Jesus... but I couldn't. It sucks to feel the spirit leaving you, but be so paralyzed that you can't even call Him back.
My mother thinks I'm anorexic. How does a "loving" mother deal with her "anorexic" child? Screams and force-feeds her, of course! Like I don't know what her deal is, but I really don't feel like I have a reason to starve myself. You feel me? Matter of fact, I MISS enjoying food.
She is the only person in this entire world that can make me go bankrupt on self-esteem points in less than five minutes. It's ridiculous. This ought not be so! She is my MOTHER. I don't understand her and unfortunately my willingness to try expired long ago. So I bet when college starts, that's the end of that. I'm not going to call her, and I'm certainly not going to come back to this house when I don't have to. As determined and heartless as that makes me sound, it's saddens me. I think every daughter deserves a mother. Don't you agree?
So this morning I read like half the bible trying to find some peace and get the spirit back... and then my mom started with her foolishness again. All is vanity, swear. And now I'm waiting for my daddy to come pick me up. I'ma stay with him for a few days so that I don't end up even more damaged than I already am before church on Wednesday.
Cuz you know what? I HATE being around all those people who look up to me and expect more from me when I'm so down. Like, I know I'm only a person, but I wanna be so much more for them.
Ugh, I don't even know what to say anymore. But if you love me, and you read this, please hold me accountable for these end-my-life feelings I've been experiencing.
LOL this blog is so bad. Like, my writer-swag is no where to be found. Bloop.
Shoutout to the sweetheart who got me through last night. And shoutout to Chrystal Cole for loving me the way my mother will forever fail to.
Guys, it's gonna be okay! Promise.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
#liketoysoldiers
A million toy soldiers in a perfect straight line, waiting to be selected. One behind the other, uniform in the most obvious ways, because we're made of the same stuff. But our Manufacturer knows we're different, for He made us. He may be the only One who knows, but what little boy would want us if he knew our imperfections? So we like it that way. We just want to be chosen. We look so brave; we look so ready to fight. And we are. We want to be strong, but our figures are only plastic.
A lot of little boys come around. And with every new one that walks by, a small glimpse of hope arises that maybe we won't have to stand in line anymore. Most of the little boys leave with something, even if he's compromising his true desires. Perhaps the one he picked isn't the right shade of green, or maybe not the size he wanted. But we don't want to know about that, we're just happy to have been deemed his.
I wish that could be where the story ended. But the truth is that many of us who are taken home are quickly returned. Most of the little boys start immediately in search of a new toy soldier, shamelessly, in plain sight. A few of them just leave. But they'll be back. We all know they'll be back.
I know a toy soldier who went home a few years ago. The little boy who picked her seemed really glad to have her, but I guess that was temporary. Other things became more important to him, and after a while it was more of a hassle to keep her than to bring her back. She doesn't look the same. All of her parts are in tact, but something just isn't right.
Last week another toy soldier was taken out of line, but she is already back. Rumor has it, that little boy was a monster. He took her gun, all of her power, and systematically used it against her. He hurt her on purpose and there wasn't a thing she could do to make it stop. One day he must have decided there wasn't much left to destroy, and here she is. Now she hides at the very end of the line, where she hopes that no little boys will ever notice her. She is resistant to any repair the Manufacturer can offer. But doesn't she know He's the only one skilled enough to fix her.
I went home once. I'd seen this little boy at the factory before. I wasn't there when he picked his first toy soldier, but I certainly saw when he brought her back. i watched him bring another solider back, and still I went with him. I should have known better.
To this day I don't have a clear understanding of what made him return me. Besides the natural wear and tear my armor had suffered, I was okay. But you know, that factory is cold. The temperature seems even lower after being forced back here once we've experienced the warmth of a home. A solider like me couldn't help but run straight to my Manufacturer. He restored me with such a loving gentleness. And I am restored indeed, but I'll never be the same.
I'm back in line again. But none of my hope is in the little boys who come by. All of my faith is in my Manufacturer, and I'm not going anywhere. I found an everlasting warmth in this cold little factory, and I'm going to be fine right where I am.
What about the little boy who returned me? Oh, I watched him pick a new toy soldier. Would you believe she's back too? But he never meant to harm any of us.
What these little boys intend doesn't change the real outcome, nor does it keep us from hurting. We want to be strong, but our figures are just plastic. Yet even when we break, one thing can be sure: we march on.
"Left, left, left-right..." Toy soldiers, we march on.
A lot of little boys come around. And with every new one that walks by, a small glimpse of hope arises that maybe we won't have to stand in line anymore. Most of the little boys leave with something, even if he's compromising his true desires. Perhaps the one he picked isn't the right shade of green, or maybe not the size he wanted. But we don't want to know about that, we're just happy to have been deemed his.
I wish that could be where the story ended. But the truth is that many of us who are taken home are quickly returned. Most of the little boys start immediately in search of a new toy soldier, shamelessly, in plain sight. A few of them just leave. But they'll be back. We all know they'll be back.
I know a toy soldier who went home a few years ago. The little boy who picked her seemed really glad to have her, but I guess that was temporary. Other things became more important to him, and after a while it was more of a hassle to keep her than to bring her back. She doesn't look the same. All of her parts are in tact, but something just isn't right.
Last week another toy soldier was taken out of line, but she is already back. Rumor has it, that little boy was a monster. He took her gun, all of her power, and systematically used it against her. He hurt her on purpose and there wasn't a thing she could do to make it stop. One day he must have decided there wasn't much left to destroy, and here she is. Now she hides at the very end of the line, where she hopes that no little boys will ever notice her. She is resistant to any repair the Manufacturer can offer. But doesn't she know He's the only one skilled enough to fix her.
I went home once. I'd seen this little boy at the factory before. I wasn't there when he picked his first toy soldier, but I certainly saw when he brought her back. i watched him bring another solider back, and still I went with him. I should have known better.
To this day I don't have a clear understanding of what made him return me. Besides the natural wear and tear my armor had suffered, I was okay. But you know, that factory is cold. The temperature seems even lower after being forced back here once we've experienced the warmth of a home. A solider like me couldn't help but run straight to my Manufacturer. He restored me with such a loving gentleness. And I am restored indeed, but I'll never be the same.
I'm back in line again. But none of my hope is in the little boys who come by. All of my faith is in my Manufacturer, and I'm not going anywhere. I found an everlasting warmth in this cold little factory, and I'm going to be fine right where I am.
What about the little boy who returned me? Oh, I watched him pick a new toy soldier. Would you believe she's back too? But he never meant to harm any of us.
What these little boys intend doesn't change the real outcome, nor does it keep us from hurting. We want to be strong, but our figures are just plastic. Yet even when we break, one thing can be sure: we march on.
"Left, left, left-right..." Toy soldiers, we march on.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
#flipshair
LAWD, I am so irritated. Like heavily.
What's going on with some of the stuff I let myself get caught up in. What was I thinking with some of the lists I so very idiotically volunteered to write my cute little name on. Sometimes I wonder about myself, really. This isn't a bashfest, because I con't do that, but looking at my old self with my new self's brand new eyes is borderline blasphemy. No you know what, it's full-on blasphemy. None of that is anything like what God had planned for my life, and how dare I even allow myself to get there. And I'm so reminded of all of it every single day. Whats bad is that most of the reminiscence is by choice! Or at least it had been. From now on, I'm flipping my hair and keeping it moving. I'm done living in the past and hoping for a future that salvages the severed ends. Especially when I wasn't the one acting all big and bad with the scissors! I'm looking forward, and if you think I'm ever again looking back, you got me extra twisted. Holla if you feel me. IN THE NAME. Yes sir.
Oosahh.
But so I'm looking at the future, and I see so much potential. It's gorgeous when I put it all into prospective. In a little over a month I will be moving into a dorm with a girl I absolutely adore. School will start and I'll have the opportunity to be the student I always knew I could be, but never had the drive to be. There are going to be so many new people: new people who love the Lord Jesus Christ more than they love this world, more than they love all the things that tempt them, and more then they love themselves. That's hard to find anywhere, and suddenly I'm going to be submerged in those people. And with those people I can make new memories that cloud out the ones that still haunt me. There will be meaning to my life. I'm sure of it. I have an abundance to grow into, and you know what-- I'm ready. I'm finally ready to come alive as the woman of God He destined me to be.
That's always been what this is about. The ethnic anger I demonstrated earlier in this post stems from a basic knowledge that past circumstances have been hindering me from who I was called to be. As grand as it sounds to just leave everything behind, I know that is neither right, nor proper. But like I said, I'm reaching upward, forward, with all my might and whatever gets left behind wasn't meant to come with me anyway, right? Today, I must admit that I don't care.
I'm talking a bunch of crap now, but I know that if I ever start acting too brand new I'll end up face down on the floor of my youth room singing "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, HA.
On a brighter note, I've been reading this book by A. W. Tozer called "Knowledge of the Holy". BRO, tell me why I chose to read it so late into the summer! That little book has soooo much wisdom in it. It's about the nature of God. He takes each characteristic that is evident in the bible and conveys them in ways that we might almost being to understand. Or maybe I should say "know". Because I know the majority of God's nature, but I can't say I understand all of it. I know that He is omnipresent, but to sit and try to understand that He is in all things, through all things, by all things, and that nothing exists apart from Him BLOWS MY MIND. I was sitting there staring at my ceiling fan trying to understand how God was a part of that. And then I felt my mind deteriorating so I had to walk away from the book, lol. There's so much more I wanna tell you guys, but I just suggest you read it. Best book evar.
Speaking of books, the ones I ordered last week finally shipped today. YESH. Pilgrims Progress, a Christian classic, and Erasing Hell, the third literary wonder by the great Francis Chan.
Eric Cole has been going hard at Wednesday night youth. We're talking about relationships. You can imagine, umm... the different opinions, on everything that's been said. But it's all been truth so peoples opinion don't particularly matter. If there's anyone I trust to learn about this kind of stuff from, it's definitely him. And in bible study, Chrystal Cole has been unveiling the mystery of Revelation to us. Relationships, and Revelation: it's getting deep, guys. I absolutely love it. I hope this is the new standard of go-hardness that will be delivered by those two lovely people from now on.
I will however say that as people's true colors start to show, I hope they remain bright and full of life (:
This has been a much needed and very productive update on the life of Crystal Michelle. But, you know. I'ma keep my head up, and y'all do the same. Grace, love, and mercy be multiplied to you a thousand times over <3
What's going on with some of the stuff I let myself get caught up in. What was I thinking with some of the lists I so very idiotically volunteered to write my cute little name on. Sometimes I wonder about myself, really. This isn't a bashfest, because I con't do that, but looking at my old self with my new self's brand new eyes is borderline blasphemy. No you know what, it's full-on blasphemy. None of that is anything like what God had planned for my life, and how dare I even allow myself to get there. And I'm so reminded of all of it every single day. Whats bad is that most of the reminiscence is by choice! Or at least it had been. From now on, I'm flipping my hair and keeping it moving. I'm done living in the past and hoping for a future that salvages the severed ends. Especially when I wasn't the one acting all big and bad with the scissors! I'm looking forward, and if you think I'm ever again looking back, you got me extra twisted. Holla if you feel me. IN THE NAME. Yes sir.
Oosahh.
But so I'm looking at the future, and I see so much potential. It's gorgeous when I put it all into prospective. In a little over a month I will be moving into a dorm with a girl I absolutely adore. School will start and I'll have the opportunity to be the student I always knew I could be, but never had the drive to be. There are going to be so many new people: new people who love the Lord Jesus Christ more than they love this world, more than they love all the things that tempt them, and more then they love themselves. That's hard to find anywhere, and suddenly I'm going to be submerged in those people. And with those people I can make new memories that cloud out the ones that still haunt me. There will be meaning to my life. I'm sure of it. I have an abundance to grow into, and you know what-- I'm ready. I'm finally ready to come alive as the woman of God He destined me to be.
That's always been what this is about. The ethnic anger I demonstrated earlier in this post stems from a basic knowledge that past circumstances have been hindering me from who I was called to be. As grand as it sounds to just leave everything behind, I know that is neither right, nor proper. But like I said, I'm reaching upward, forward, with all my might and whatever gets left behind wasn't meant to come with me anyway, right? Today, I must admit that I don't care.
I'm talking a bunch of crap now, but I know that if I ever start acting too brand new I'll end up face down on the floor of my youth room singing "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, HA.
On a brighter note, I've been reading this book by A. W. Tozer called "Knowledge of the Holy". BRO, tell me why I chose to read it so late into the summer! That little book has soooo much wisdom in it. It's about the nature of God. He takes each characteristic that is evident in the bible and conveys them in ways that we might almost being to understand. Or maybe I should say "know". Because I know the majority of God's nature, but I can't say I understand all of it. I know that He is omnipresent, but to sit and try to understand that He is in all things, through all things, by all things, and that nothing exists apart from Him BLOWS MY MIND. I was sitting there staring at my ceiling fan trying to understand how God was a part of that. And then I felt my mind deteriorating so I had to walk away from the book, lol. There's so much more I wanna tell you guys, but I just suggest you read it. Best book evar.
Speaking of books, the ones I ordered last week finally shipped today. YESH. Pilgrims Progress, a Christian classic, and Erasing Hell, the third literary wonder by the great Francis Chan.
Eric Cole has been going hard at Wednesday night youth. We're talking about relationships. You can imagine, umm... the different opinions, on everything that's been said. But it's all been truth so peoples opinion don't particularly matter. If there's anyone I trust to learn about this kind of stuff from, it's definitely him. And in bible study, Chrystal Cole has been unveiling the mystery of Revelation to us. Relationships, and Revelation: it's getting deep, guys. I absolutely love it. I hope this is the new standard of go-hardness that will be delivered by those two lovely people from now on.
I will however say that as people's true colors start to show, I hope they remain bright and full of life (:
This has been a much needed and very productive update on the life of Crystal Michelle. But, you know. I'ma keep my head up, and y'all do the same. Grace, love, and mercy be multiplied to you a thousand times over <3
Monday, June 27, 2011
#awesome
It's been a minute.
Orientation fer DBU was simply amazing. There were so many foine white boys, I nearly lost my mind. Let's talk about how we had a worship service... during orientation! The fed us like royalty, and it's always nice to be on that gorgeous campus. I am so excited for school in the fall. Yes, Crystal Michelle Gomes is excited for school. Someone call CNN.
My efforts at not sitting in this house all summer have been a success thus far. I've been spending a lot of time with BFF Kylie, and I love it! Church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, you know. My dad and I actually hung out on fathers day. That was new, and nice. Me and my mommy have even hung out a little. Whaaaaaat?
On Saturday I went to a girls conference at Dayspring Church with SBFF Kimbra. Let us note that this is a black church, and I regularly attend a predominantly white church. So basically, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN xD The theme was about shining, and their theme scripture was Matthew 5:16. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I especially enjoyed the little segment about purity (and each angle of it). They gave us super cute pink and white purity bracelets; one for us, and one for a friend (: OH, also, Kimbra started shouting after the classic "Everything" drama. It was only 25% funny, but it was 100% glorious. Bahahaha, I love her, and I hope she doesn't slide me for saying that.
Oh my goodness, church yesterday was so precious. The kids church put on a little patriotic performance and it made my heart smile. They closed it out with "Freedom" by Eddie James, and I totally wanted to get on stage and dance with them x] Then the whole congregation headed outside for a cookout. They gave away gift cards and an iPad. I received neither. All good though.
I spent time with Durdana today. She is the sweetest. I'm glad we're friends. Really <3
Dood, bro, son, Eric has begun the sermon series of a lifetime. He's throwing all types of holy knowledge regarding relationships all up in our faces. It's been a long time coming. Bless that man for the blessings he is certainly pouring out to we who are open and receptive to the truth. Glory, glory! I can't wait to hear the next one. Wednesday, c'mon widdit!
I just finished reading "Forgotten God." It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area, but one thing that stuck out to me the most was the idea that we ought not worry about "God's plan for our life." Instead, we should submit daily to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and watch how far that takes us. Francis Chan is a great writer, and I can't wait for his new book to be released next month.
I'm so tired of caring to be crapped on. I'm done loving to be let down. That's all it's ever seemed to be. So now my cares, and my all my love, are going into top secret confinement where no one will ever find them again. Someone strangle me the next time I consider busting them out. Curse these futile efforts of mine. This is a vicious cycle. I should have taken them seriously when they said that only one thing remains.
Let's close this out in prayer, that this might not end so morbidly. Ha. You ready?
"My life is not my own, to You I belong. I give myself away, so You can use me." But when you say it, you gotta mean it. I sure do. Grace, peace, and mercy be multiplied to you all <3
Orientation fer DBU was simply amazing. There were so many foine white boys, I nearly lost my mind. Let's talk about how we had a worship service... during orientation! The fed us like royalty, and it's always nice to be on that gorgeous campus. I am so excited for school in the fall. Yes, Crystal Michelle Gomes is excited for school. Someone call CNN.
My efforts at not sitting in this house all summer have been a success thus far. I've been spending a lot of time with BFF Kylie, and I love it! Church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, you know. My dad and I actually hung out on fathers day. That was new, and nice. Me and my mommy have even hung out a little. Whaaaaaat?
On Saturday I went to a girls conference at Dayspring Church with SBFF Kimbra. Let us note that this is a black church, and I regularly attend a predominantly white church. So basically, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN xD The theme was about shining, and their theme scripture was Matthew 5:16. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I especially enjoyed the little segment about purity (and each angle of it). They gave us super cute pink and white purity bracelets; one for us, and one for a friend (: OH, also, Kimbra started shouting after the classic "Everything" drama. It was only 25% funny, but it was 100% glorious. Bahahaha, I love her, and I hope she doesn't slide me for saying that.
Oh my goodness, church yesterday was so precious. The kids church put on a little patriotic performance and it made my heart smile. They closed it out with "Freedom" by Eddie James, and I totally wanted to get on stage and dance with them x] Then the whole congregation headed outside for a cookout. They gave away gift cards and an iPad. I received neither. All good though.
I spent time with Durdana today. She is the sweetest. I'm glad we're friends. Really <3
Dood, bro, son, Eric has begun the sermon series of a lifetime. He's throwing all types of holy knowledge regarding relationships all up in our faces. It's been a long time coming. Bless that man for the blessings he is certainly pouring out to we who are open and receptive to the truth. Glory, glory! I can't wait to hear the next one. Wednesday, c'mon widdit!
I just finished reading "Forgotten God." It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area, but one thing that stuck out to me the most was the idea that we ought not worry about "God's plan for our life." Instead, we should submit daily to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and watch how far that takes us. Francis Chan is a great writer, and I can't wait for his new book to be released next month.
I'm so tired of caring to be crapped on. I'm done loving to be let down. That's all it's ever seemed to be. So now my cares, and my all my love, are going into top secret confinement where no one will ever find them again. Someone strangle me the next time I consider busting them out. Curse these futile efforts of mine. This is a vicious cycle. I should have taken them seriously when they said that only one thing remains.
Let's close this out in prayer, that this might not end so morbidly. Ha. You ready?
"My life is not my own, to You I belong. I give myself away, so You can use me." But when you say it, you gotta mean it. I sure do. Grace, peace, and mercy be multiplied to you all <3
Monday, June 6, 2011
#takemeaway
God never moves quite the way we want Him to, does He? But aren't His ways simply perfect.
The other day God convicted me so hard. I'm really good about seeing past peoples sin and getting to the depths of what really matters. But my supervision deactivated so quickly and almost without guilt when it came to one person. And then I talked to that person. I talked to her on a personal level. I almost immediately had to dismiss all the "reasons" I thought I had for not letting the love of Christ show through me. And besides logically having to dismiss my presumptions, I no longer emotionally wanted to keep them. At the end of the day it doesn't make one bit of difference. What really counts is that there are people who are dying and going to hell everyday because we Christians make lists of what we deem important "reasons" not to love on someone.
I'm almost done reading a book called "Radical". I thought it would be a nice follow up to "Crazy Love". It is, but it's 100 times more grown up. It highlights biblical principals that are overlooked and covered up by the American dream. The American dream suggests that we are to individually climb the latter of success for our own individual benefit and glory. He mentioned that unfortunately, these ideas are entering the church. He magnifies our calling as followers of Christ to help the poor, and make disciples of all nations through international missionary trips. Here's a big one: God blesses us with more (material things) so that we may give more, not have more. Now, in my current state of being, I don't have the means to preach the gospel in Africa. I'm not financially independent. I don't have big decisions to make about what I have and what I give. But I think that solely acquiring the knowledge of these hidden truths has blessed my soul already.
The people who hurt you the most always realize exactly who they left in the dirt just in time for "too late". Apologies and regrets don't do a dang thing for me. And they aren't going to do anything for the guilty either. I wish people were more intelligent than that. And I hope the next person who is cursed to face their bad decisions knows better than to come back to me with any of it.
These mountains and valleys in my interpersonal relationships are getting out of hand. When the same issues come up, isn't it appropriate to let go? Which people are entitled to what privileges? And when is it okay to hold on to anyone, period? Because I can remember holding on for dear life. And then I remember finally letting go and trusting God to repair things on His time. But you know what He did instead? He helped me let go... almost to the sad point of indifference. And now its almost as if the tables have turned. But I'm not that person, no matter how badly I miraculously, all of a sudden, want to be. I won't be that person. But there are a few people who have proved themselves worthy of all of my love, and for that I couldn't be more thankful.
I have freshman orientation for DBU in the morning. I'm really anxious and terribly nervous, but at the same time, I'm at peace. I haven't left peaceful very often lately. I want to be afraid of the uncertainty in my future, because that seems normal. But then again, there isn't anything normal about the way my God loves and provides for me.
My spirit has been downing in what has to be the most anointed music ever recorded. Chris August, Sanctus Real, Kirk Franklin, and Sidewalk Prophets are doing great things. But there's a certain song by Worth Dying For that I can't get out of my system. It's called Take Me Away. "So let my heart trust in You, let my fear fall. Let Your carry me through it all. And I will hold on to You, even through pain. Won't You take me away, take me away with You." I sing that song, and I mean it. I cry for it. My soul longs for it.
This summer, all I want is to fall more deeply in love with our Lord, God, and Savior: Christ Jesus. And so it shall be.
The other day God convicted me so hard. I'm really good about seeing past peoples sin and getting to the depths of what really matters. But my supervision deactivated so quickly and almost without guilt when it came to one person. And then I talked to that person. I talked to her on a personal level. I almost immediately had to dismiss all the "reasons" I thought I had for not letting the love of Christ show through me. And besides logically having to dismiss my presumptions, I no longer emotionally wanted to keep them. At the end of the day it doesn't make one bit of difference. What really counts is that there are people who are dying and going to hell everyday because we Christians make lists of what we deem important "reasons" not to love on someone.
I'm almost done reading a book called "Radical". I thought it would be a nice follow up to "Crazy Love". It is, but it's 100 times more grown up. It highlights biblical principals that are overlooked and covered up by the American dream. The American dream suggests that we are to individually climb the latter of success for our own individual benefit and glory. He mentioned that unfortunately, these ideas are entering the church. He magnifies our calling as followers of Christ to help the poor, and make disciples of all nations through international missionary trips. Here's a big one: God blesses us with more (material things) so that we may give more, not have more. Now, in my current state of being, I don't have the means to preach the gospel in Africa. I'm not financially independent. I don't have big decisions to make about what I have and what I give. But I think that solely acquiring the knowledge of these hidden truths has blessed my soul already.
The people who hurt you the most always realize exactly who they left in the dirt just in time for "too late". Apologies and regrets don't do a dang thing for me. And they aren't going to do anything for the guilty either. I wish people were more intelligent than that. And I hope the next person who is cursed to face their bad decisions knows better than to come back to me with any of it.
These mountains and valleys in my interpersonal relationships are getting out of hand. When the same issues come up, isn't it appropriate to let go? Which people are entitled to what privileges? And when is it okay to hold on to anyone, period? Because I can remember holding on for dear life. And then I remember finally letting go and trusting God to repair things on His time. But you know what He did instead? He helped me let go... almost to the sad point of indifference. And now its almost as if the tables have turned. But I'm not that person, no matter how badly I miraculously, all of a sudden, want to be. I won't be that person. But there are a few people who have proved themselves worthy of all of my love, and for that I couldn't be more thankful.
I have freshman orientation for DBU in the morning. I'm really anxious and terribly nervous, but at the same time, I'm at peace. I haven't left peaceful very often lately. I want to be afraid of the uncertainty in my future, because that seems normal. But then again, there isn't anything normal about the way my God loves and provides for me.
My spirit has been downing in what has to be the most anointed music ever recorded. Chris August, Sanctus Real, Kirk Franklin, and Sidewalk Prophets are doing great things. But there's a certain song by Worth Dying For that I can't get out of my system. It's called Take Me Away. "So let my heart trust in You, let my fear fall. Let Your carry me through it all. And I will hold on to You, even through pain. Won't You take me away, take me away with You." I sing that song, and I mean it. I cry for it. My soul longs for it.
This summer, all I want is to fall more deeply in love with our Lord, God, and Savior: Christ Jesus. And so it shall be.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
#classof2011
So I graduated yesterday. This is crazy.
I got there entirely too early, because that's the foolery they told me, and I didn't know any better. Stephanie (salutatorian) mentioned me in her speech. She used the word "swaglicious" to describe our class. Only her, right? She quoted one of Mrs. D'spain's last words to our government class, and it was so meaningful. Jenny's speech was simply beautiful. She talked about the different definitions of the word "brilliance" and said that the definition she knew was most applicable to all of us was the ability to radiate/reflect light. She said she knew that, because we were crafted in the image of the source of light Himself. Then she whipped out some scripture, and man. I wanted to cry.
I was nervous as all get out walking across that stage. But then I got my little diploma holder and breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. I'm done with high school. My chains are gone, I've been set free! I didn't cry at graduation. I didn't care to stand outside The Potter's House and take pictures with people I might not see any time soon. Perhaps none of this has hit me yet. But perhaps I just know what I have to look forward to.
I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at Pappadeaux. No, sillies, I didn't go to the club. I had church this morning.
Baccalaureate was a blessing. "Your life is only as big as your faith, and your faith is only as big as your God." How big is your God? Mine is the bigger than the air I breathe. Sky's not even the limit <3
The last few days of school were a blur, son. I swore I'd be drowning in tears, but not even. I only cried in government. I cried because Mrs. D'spain was throwing out some madd love. And then I looked at Jehwet and realized my time with him was probably coming to a close, because he is such a fricken floater. Like, he'll make college friends and it'll be like, "Crystal, who?" So I cried kinda hard and hugged him fer a kinda long time. I gotta say this. In these past few months of Christopher emerging with some intense flavor (xD) I've come to care for him a lot. And even though his flavor has worn out, I'm gonna miss that boy. I really am.
I have a lot to look forward to this week. This is all so exciting. This is short because I'm coming back tomorrow with the good stuff. I need to speak with my wife.
I got there entirely too early, because that's the foolery they told me, and I didn't know any better. Stephanie (salutatorian) mentioned me in her speech. She used the word "swaglicious" to describe our class. Only her, right? She quoted one of Mrs. D'spain's last words to our government class, and it was so meaningful. Jenny's speech was simply beautiful. She talked about the different definitions of the word "brilliance" and said that the definition she knew was most applicable to all of us was the ability to radiate/reflect light. She said she knew that, because we were crafted in the image of the source of light Himself. Then she whipped out some scripture, and man. I wanted to cry.
I was nervous as all get out walking across that stage. But then I got my little diploma holder and breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. I'm done with high school. My chains are gone, I've been set free! I didn't cry at graduation. I didn't care to stand outside The Potter's House and take pictures with people I might not see any time soon. Perhaps none of this has hit me yet. But perhaps I just know what I have to look forward to.
I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at Pappadeaux. No, sillies, I didn't go to the club. I had church this morning.
Baccalaureate was a blessing. "Your life is only as big as your faith, and your faith is only as big as your God." How big is your God? Mine is the bigger than the air I breathe. Sky's not even the limit <3
The last few days of school were a blur, son. I swore I'd be drowning in tears, but not even. I only cried in government. I cried because Mrs. D'spain was throwing out some madd love. And then I looked at Jehwet and realized my time with him was probably coming to a close, because he is such a fricken floater. Like, he'll make college friends and it'll be like, "Crystal, who?" So I cried kinda hard and hugged him fer a kinda long time. I gotta say this. In these past few months of Christopher emerging with some intense flavor (xD) I've come to care for him a lot. And even though his flavor has worn out, I'm gonna miss that boy. I really am.
I have a lot to look forward to this week. This is all so exciting. This is short because I'm coming back tomorrow with the good stuff. I need to speak with my wife.
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