Brainfried.

Heyy. I was trying to do this yesterday, but my internet was being super ghetto.

My school week was normal, I guess. I'm so over school. But I got an 80 on my statistics test on Friday; I also scored a 95 on my spanish retest. No C's on my progress report, ayeee :D

My love called me on Tuesday, and vented about how he feels beat up by just going into the freakin' school building. He sounded so broken, and it made me so sad. I wish he'd just come to school with me. Then we can talk about Jesus all day, and show all these nonbelievers what's really what. <3

Church on Wednesday was simply amazing. I was definitely reminded how hardcore Eric Cole can be. The sermon was about how everyone has so many ridiculous excuses about why they cant be the brightest light in school. At the end he had us light candles and see how our individual fires lit up the whole room. Sometimes I think I'm just blending and not radiating at all, but so far I've been told by two people who I look up to a lot that they can see the God in me when I get around them.

There wasn't a football game on Friday, so me, Jerrett, Artaya, Candace, and Taylor decided we were gonna go to Academy and dance at their little school function. TELL ME WHY THAT CRAP WAS LIKE A BAD QUINCE. I was so madd, they STOLE my six dollars. I was too ready to dance. Everything happens for a reason though, I suppose.

On Saturday, me, Andres, Jordan, Alicia, and Andy rode the train to downtown Ft. Worth and ate at P.F. Chang's. Andy is a retard. I wanted a piece of his broccoli, but he was being stingey because I wouldnt share my appetizer. SO, I reached my fork out to get a piece anyway, and he proceeded to take the piece I had off of my fork, and then eat every other piece on his plate. Funny part is, he doesn't even LIKE broccoli. Jordan is sexist. After everyone was done with their soup, I started to stack up the bowls and plates for the waitor. The conversation goes as follows; Jordan: Why are you doing that?! That's not your job! Me: It's called hometraining! Jordan: It's called you're a woman. LOL, right? Yea, I popped him when we got out of the restaurant :D

When we got back to Irving, we went to the park and... I had a lot of fun with Alica. Sometimes I forget how much I actually enjoy being around her because we dont see each other as much anymore. I wish she'd stop treating me like a badman, and realize I'm gonna be there for her always, though.

Soo, I'm not gonna lie. I was megatron distracted during service on Sunday morning, and I only have a vague idea of what pastor was talking about. Its not my fault though. I finally got to see Jacob; it'd been a while, lol.

My heart is in such a weird place right now. On Monday, You made me understand that theres no reason to worry. You made me feel special, even through your angry words. And I started to believe you: that I was the only one and that nothing was gonna get between us. I guess I just kind of let myself... fall, after that. But last night, you hurt me so badly, because you "stopped thinking". I dont ever stop thinking about you, not like that. Like, I stopped worrying about one girl, just to start worrying about another? I'd like to think its them, not you, but no wonder I stopped hearing about her, huh. I was so hurt, but I couldn't even cry until I heard your voice. And I called you at two in the morning because I couldn't sleep feeling so distant. You broke me down, but you're the only one who could've built me back up. I can't figure out why I'm not ready to just be done with you. I want to forgive you, and I want to trust you, and I want to go on like nothing happened. But how am I supposed to trust you now? You're always honest about your mistakes, but I can't live in love waiting for you to mess up again. I can't live in love trying to pick myself back up off the floor on a regular basis either.

My brain is so fried. I'm tired of feeling. But I love you, and I know you love me; I know you didn't ever mean for any of this to happen...

"I know I misbehave, and you've made your mistakes, and we both still got room left to grow. And though love sometimes hurts, I still put you first, and we'll make this thing work, but I think we should take it slow... We're just ordinary people." <3

It Never Stops

I'm officially over and done with school. I mean not ferreal, but in my head? Ohhhyeaaa. Getting there at seven for bandbull is, FAR. Acadec homework every night is repetitious. The people aren't that bad, but I'm still convinced my spirit would be better off elsewhere.

Hey, did I tell you guys my mom went to jail on Sunday night? Yuuup, its been a long week. My dad bailed her out the next day, but... I'm still not sure how I feel about that. He's too sweet. The funny part is: this all could have been avoided had she not been, well, my mother. Bless her heart. I died and barely came back to life that night too, figuratively speaking of course. Realistically probably would have been less painful. For the first time, I wanted to hurt you. But I never want you to hurt on my account. That's confusing. What about us isn't? Don't you read this and feel bad all over again.

I miss our Monday night prayer meetings, terribly. Shut up, I know, God is everywhere I want him to be. But the amazing support I get from being there, isn't. At least not in the way I need it to be. But I don't run anything, so it's whatever. Monday was the start of a beautiful thing; no more Calculus. Statistics is amazing. We haven't gotten into any of the math, woot.

Tuesdays were made to be fillers between Mondays and Wednesdays. If I phail ten tests [I only have seven classes a day], tumble down the stairs, and get stabbed in the neck, Wednesday will forever be a glorious day. You already know why. It completely rained Thursday morning, so we weren't subjected to early morning sweat and discomfort. God is so good to me. Thursday night, I won the homework battle. You outsiders probably think that means I did all of my work with time to spare, but really, I didn't do any of it and he couldn't make me. I love you, though ;]

We lost the football game on Friday. YEA, we drove to Plano to get womped on, when I could have been in my bed. You already know how that makes me feel. Satan got all up IN my head on bus ride back, and trying to drown it out with my bad singing and music I didn't wanna hear was a phail. To sum it up: I will continuously beat myself up trying to be perfect for you. You don't know what I'm talking about because you can't see and/or choose to disregard my infinite flaws. I don't want there to be anything to see or disregard. It's hard to explain. What about us isn't?

Saturday morning, I woke up and got my hurr did. It was a much needed appointment, if I do say so myself. And then that night I went to Midi-evil Times with Ms. Alisha Chante for her birthday. That was actually a lot of fun! Perhaps thats why I woke up in such a pleasant mood. Church this morning was... empty, but the message was superior. Kudos to Pastor Wooten. <3 Today I discovered that secular music doesn't control my emotions as much as I thought it does. Listening to music "I shouldn't be" doesn't evoke any feelings besides the joy of "hey lets dance!" I don't know; I still need to make some decisions about that.

Today I also discovered that I am one bitter something. Super, not sexy, right? I KNOW. I almost cut down the person who builds me up so much of the time, because I'm bitter. I thought I was done with that, except for the more-than-occasional violent thought I think towards her. Wake up bae, we need to talk about this...

Hey Matthew, if you're reading this: Magen keeps bothering me, saying I like you. Please make her stop, she annoys me. Pahaha.

I love Emily Edwards. <--unofficial white sister, fersure <3