Hey so it's Thanksgiving. What's with this holiday, though? Shouldn't we be thankful for our blessings more than one time a year? Right. But eating like an obese person is always fun. Swag. And like, why am I awake? Anyway...
I know I am such a Negative Nancy all the time and you'd think that on the one day we're supposed to reflect on the positives, I'd figure out how to be a Polly but noooo. Today, I am SO not thankful for being a girl. Not at all. I can't deal. But I'ma try to get off it; and PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, someone who's reading this, ask me about it.
This morning I'm really thankful for the God I serve. He doesn't have to be there for me, or keep any of His promises, but He always does. The consistency of my God is really important to me because not many people on this earth ever stay the same, and not even myself, not even when I want to be. His love is ever-present, and His grace and His mercy and His power. Serving a powerful God means a lot teo me because in all of my strength, I am still so weak. I could go on forever. Couldn't you? Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights. Oh, give thanks to the Lord; for He is good!
I'm thankful for waking up this morning. You know? For having another day to right my wrongs and find right-standing with God. It's definitely been a search for me these days; and perhaps I'm just negotiating with the devil, but sometimes my actions feel more justified than my inaction. Nonetheless, today is a beautiful day and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to live it. Some people weren't granted this day; have you considered that?
I've been blessed with the most wonderful friendships. I love those friends you've had since elementary school and middle school, and although the dynamics of those friendships vary throughout the years, you've still got them, and they've still got you. Jehwet, Jennifer, Ashley, Candace, Alice, Taylor, Taylor again: I love you guys. Jaggy, Jordan, Karen: I'm so blessed to have your friendship. Those friends we acquire in high school are so iffy it's almost sickening, but through all the questionables and all the hard times, I kept a few. Alicia, Emily, Alisha, Hector, Andres, Chris, Eman, Sheyla: I'm so thankful for you all. I love that friend that loves you more than anyone and knows you more than anyone and deals with more of your crap than anyone. I love that friend you haven't known as long as the others, but it feels like it's been forever anyway, and you know it also will be forever: best friends forever. I love that guy; his name is Matthew Argenbright.
This just in: I'M REALLY FREAKING THANKFUL FOR MY PARENTS. Holy crap, my mom just saved the day so hard. We fight sometimes, actually, we fight all the time. And it gets really hurtful, but omgsh I'm bout to cry because she just made me feel so good. She's helpful in times like this cuz I'm pretty sure I got my epic girlness from her anyway. AHH! And I'm thankful for my daddy. Fer some reason, we've been getting closer since college started. We tell each other "I love you" and I'm still not used to that but, I like it. And I love him <3 AHHH. Shoutout to my mom, though!
I'm so thankful for my church family. Grace Pointe, and the people I've come to love by going there. Chrystal Cole is such a mom, MY mom. She doesn't even have kids but I'm gonna be a mom like her. Eric Cole is such a dad. He's strict and stern but I know he'd fight a bear for me. I have some really cool aunts and uncles like Michelle and Jamee and David and Gabriel, and Bekah and Nicole. And then I got all these cute little brothers and sisters running around everywhere: Krystal, Lauren, Hannah, Karla, Magen, Elizabeth, Shelby, Lane, Zach, Kylie, and Shey. We're all just really cute because it runs in the family. And my babies are Amber, Connor, Jacob, Josh, and Jared. They're so precious. See how blessed I am, guys? So favored of God.
Some of the other things I'm thankful for include: my fabulous bed, Justin Bieber, my school, all this delicious food I smell, anddd Justin Bieber again.
But like, I have things to do and people to see, so I'm out! Happy Thanksgiving to you all. <3
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
#imissyou
Justin Bieber is blasting through my house as we speak.
So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.
But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.
And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.
My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.
And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:
Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.
So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.
But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.
And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.
My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.
And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:
Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.
Monday, November 7, 2011
#ilovemybff
I went to church yesterday! My church! It was only the second time since I ran away. It's good to be back. I love those people. And now that I feel like I'm there by choice and not by habit, I feel independently accountable to God and perhaps not so condemned by people. Gahhh, I have SUCH a people-complex.
I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)
After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?
Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):
Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!
My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.
What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.
This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.
I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P
I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)
After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?
Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):
Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!
My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.
What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.
This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.
I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P
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