#ilovemybff

I went to church yesterday! My church! It was only the second time since I ran away. It's good to be back. I love those people. And now that I feel like I'm there by choice and not by habit, I feel independently accountable to God and perhaps not so condemned by people. Gahhh, I have SUCH a people-complex.

I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.

"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)

After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?

Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):

Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!

My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.

What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.

This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.

I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P