#rollthecredits

It hasn't even been two weeks. Sometimes I wake up and tear drops drizzle from my eyes like the soft fall of snow.

Everyone kept saying that I could manipulate myself back into your heart. They all said you just needed a new game, and that if I played it right, I'd win. I tried. "Call me, but I already know that I'm not going to pick up. I have to go, there's a lot to do today, but I'm not at school." I just couldn't do it. The way I feel for you isn't a game, and I couldn't pretend it was... and so I separated myself from you.

The ideas that have blossomed since then, are easily astonishing.

The hardest part of this is blatantly and abruptly feeling unwanted by someone who's always gone out of his way to make me feel otherwise. I am so terribly void; I'm afraid to reveal what such a gap will allow. I'm not supposed to be angry with you for not knowing what you want (the evidence does prove); you are but sixteen years old. But I can't wait around and continue to hurt, while you decide whether "what you want" is still me, or will ever be in the future. Perhaps I should be more displeased with myself, for supposing to know what I want. Since the beginning, I've only screamed for something real. What we had... was any of that real?

I'm not supposed to be mad, but sometimes my whole body is consumed with wrath.

Last night I let go of the truth that you never meant for any of this to happen. I hated you from the inner depths of my being, and I couldn't make it stop. I detested the fact that I can't get you out of my system, and you don't even think about me. Everything was suddenly in vein. I started to regret. I didn't want any parts of you. I took your pictures off of my phone, I removed you from my contacts (even your printed name has become such a sore sight), and I deleted those voice-mails that consistently paralyzed my heart. But I didn't cry myself to sleep that time.

Look what we made it. Look what we've become.

The other day, I ran across a picture of us. It was July, and all of this was still as simple as it was meant to be. Something inside of me died as I stared into your expression. It is more than likely that we will never get back to that kind of simplicity. I'm not the same person anymore. The newness of this has been all too devastating. And who are you? Are you unaffected? There isn't any newness on your part.

People change. People stay the same when they ought to have changed. The circumstances between said people are nonresistant. God will always be the same.

He is so good to me. Through all the turbulence, I still have joy. I am not always necessarily happy, but I always have joy (an experience more easily felt, than explained). God is moving in my life at such a swift pace. I miss my bestfriend, I miss my boyfriend, but God is taking care of it, and everything is just going to be okay. I am still trusting Him for a full restoration, and for a thorough healing. And I'm going to keep holding on.