#meetinthemiddle

I used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, and how we met, and how the sparks flew instantly. And people would say they're the lucky ones. I used to know my place was the spot next to you; now I'm searching the room for an empty seat, cause lately I don't even know what page you're on. Oh, a simple complication-- miscommunications lead to a fallout. So many things that I wish you knew. So many walls up, I can't break through. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room, and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know: is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. Next chapter. How did we end up this way? See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy. And you're doing your best to avoid me. I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us: How I was losing my mind when I saw you here, but you held your pride like you should have held me. Oh, I'm scared to see the ending. Why are we pretending this is nothing? I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how. I've never heard silence quite this loud. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room, and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know: is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but I liked it better when you were on my side. The battle's in your hands now, but I would lay my armor down if you said you'd rather love than fight. So many things that you wish I knew, but the story of us might be ending soon. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room, and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know: is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. The end. - Taylor Swift

That's so how I feel-- kinda. It's complicated. I don't want him back, and he doesn't sparkle like he used to. His girlfriend doesn't make me jealous, and I don't have flashbacks of what used to be when I see him. I'm over him-- I promise I am. Just sometimes, the memories take me back. Not even the memories of "us". The greater memories before "us", and how "us" stopped them in their tracks.

I hadn't seen him in forever, and I was digging it. It didn't matter how I felt if I didn't have to see or talk to him. But now I do. I never acknowledge him first, but when he acknowledges me, I don't blow him off. And as much as I'd rather not talk to him, I'm never fake when I do. But none of that is me. It's totally God. Because let me tell you, I am not that strong, nor am I that sweet, ha. So I wonder what he means when he talks to me. And where was whatever he means now, when he was kicking me while I was already down and disregarding my birthday? I'm not mad, juuuust sayin'.

I say I don't even wanna be friends now, because that ship is way past sailed, but I totally caught myself crying the other day when I was listening to a JB song. "And it's up to you, and it's up to me to meet in the middle, on our way back down to earth." Wouldn't it be great if somehow on the way down back to reality from all this hot aired drama, we could get back to our friendship? But what are the chances of that, really? As far as I can tell, zero. Because nothing is changing. And a lot is going to need to change for us to be friendly again.

I'm kinda understanding how God wants me to handle this. I'm going to be there for him if he should evar need me, but I am in no way shape or form going to expect or ask him to be there for me. Because that ship has also sailed. I'm also understanding that it's right and proper for me to still need help with this (even after all this time). And the golden part is that I can still be fabulous and grown while I work everything out.

Sounds like me and him just need to have a freakin' talk, huh? Haha. But I'm sure he doesn't have the answers, and I wish I didn't have the questions. I'm not mad about any of this, though. Just... doing what I can to keep it movin', I guess (;

Big love and thank yous to everyone who still listens to me rant about this. You are much appreciated.