LAWD, I am so irritated. Like heavily.
What's going on with some of the stuff I let myself get caught up in. What was I thinking with some of the lists I so very idiotically volunteered to write my cute little name on. Sometimes I wonder about myself, really. This isn't a bashfest, because I con't do that, but looking at my old self with my new self's brand new eyes is borderline blasphemy. No you know what, it's full-on blasphemy. None of that is anything like what God had planned for my life, and how dare I even allow myself to get there. And I'm so reminded of all of it every single day. Whats bad is that most of the reminiscence is by choice! Or at least it had been. From now on, I'm flipping my hair and keeping it moving. I'm done living in the past and hoping for a future that salvages the severed ends. Especially when I wasn't the one acting all big and bad with the scissors! I'm looking forward, and if you think I'm ever again looking back, you got me extra twisted. Holla if you feel me. IN THE NAME. Yes sir.
Oosahh.
But so I'm looking at the future, and I see so much potential. It's gorgeous when I put it all into prospective. In a little over a month I will be moving into a dorm with a girl I absolutely adore. School will start and I'll have the opportunity to be the student I always knew I could be, but never had the drive to be. There are going to be so many new people: new people who love the Lord Jesus Christ more than they love this world, more than they love all the things that tempt them, and more then they love themselves. That's hard to find anywhere, and suddenly I'm going to be submerged in those people. And with those people I can make new memories that cloud out the ones that still haunt me. There will be meaning to my life. I'm sure of it. I have an abundance to grow into, and you know what-- I'm ready. I'm finally ready to come alive as the woman of God He destined me to be.
That's always been what this is about. The ethnic anger I demonstrated earlier in this post stems from a basic knowledge that past circumstances have been hindering me from who I was called to be. As grand as it sounds to just leave everything behind, I know that is neither right, nor proper. But like I said, I'm reaching upward, forward, with all my might and whatever gets left behind wasn't meant to come with me anyway, right? Today, I must admit that I don't care.
I'm talking a bunch of crap now, but I know that if I ever start acting too brand new I'll end up face down on the floor of my youth room singing "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, HA.
On a brighter note, I've been reading this book by A. W. Tozer called "Knowledge of the Holy". BRO, tell me why I chose to read it so late into the summer! That little book has soooo much wisdom in it. It's about the nature of God. He takes each characteristic that is evident in the bible and conveys them in ways that we might almost being to understand. Or maybe I should say "know". Because I know the majority of God's nature, but I can't say I understand all of it. I know that He is omnipresent, but to sit and try to understand that He is in all things, through all things, by all things, and that nothing exists apart from Him BLOWS MY MIND. I was sitting there staring at my ceiling fan trying to understand how God was a part of that. And then I felt my mind deteriorating so I had to walk away from the book, lol. There's so much more I wanna tell you guys, but I just suggest you read it. Best book evar.
Speaking of books, the ones I ordered last week finally shipped today. YESH. Pilgrims Progress, a Christian classic, and Erasing Hell, the third literary wonder by the great Francis Chan.
Eric Cole has been going hard at Wednesday night youth. We're talking about relationships. You can imagine, umm... the different opinions, on everything that's been said. But it's all been truth so peoples opinion don't particularly matter. If there's anyone I trust to learn about this kind of stuff from, it's definitely him. And in bible study, Chrystal Cole has been unveiling the mystery of Revelation to us. Relationships, and Revelation: it's getting deep, guys. I absolutely love it. I hope this is the new standard of go-hardness that will be delivered by those two lovely people from now on.
I will however say that as people's true colors start to show, I hope they remain bright and full of life (:
This has been a much needed and very productive update on the life of Crystal Michelle. But, you know. I'ma keep my head up, and y'all do the same. Grace, love, and mercy be multiplied to you a thousand times over <3
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Monday, June 27, 2011
#awesome
It's been a minute.
Orientation fer DBU was simply amazing. There were so many foine white boys, I nearly lost my mind. Let's talk about how we had a worship service... during orientation! The fed us like royalty, and it's always nice to be on that gorgeous campus. I am so excited for school in the fall. Yes, Crystal Michelle Gomes is excited for school. Someone call CNN.
My efforts at not sitting in this house all summer have been a success thus far. I've been spending a lot of time with BFF Kylie, and I love it! Church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, you know. My dad and I actually hung out on fathers day. That was new, and nice. Me and my mommy have even hung out a little. Whaaaaaat?
On Saturday I went to a girls conference at Dayspring Church with SBFF Kimbra. Let us note that this is a black church, and I regularly attend a predominantly white church. So basically, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN xD The theme was about shining, and their theme scripture was Matthew 5:16. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I especially enjoyed the little segment about purity (and each angle of it). They gave us super cute pink and white purity bracelets; one for us, and one for a friend (: OH, also, Kimbra started shouting after the classic "Everything" drama. It was only 25% funny, but it was 100% glorious. Bahahaha, I love her, and I hope she doesn't slide me for saying that.
Oh my goodness, church yesterday was so precious. The kids church put on a little patriotic performance and it made my heart smile. They closed it out with "Freedom" by Eddie James, and I totally wanted to get on stage and dance with them x] Then the whole congregation headed outside for a cookout. They gave away gift cards and an iPad. I received neither. All good though.
I spent time with Durdana today. She is the sweetest. I'm glad we're friends. Really <3
Dood, bro, son, Eric has begun the sermon series of a lifetime. He's throwing all types of holy knowledge regarding relationships all up in our faces. It's been a long time coming. Bless that man for the blessings he is certainly pouring out to we who are open and receptive to the truth. Glory, glory! I can't wait to hear the next one. Wednesday, c'mon widdit!
I just finished reading "Forgotten God." It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area, but one thing that stuck out to me the most was the idea that we ought not worry about "God's plan for our life." Instead, we should submit daily to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and watch how far that takes us. Francis Chan is a great writer, and I can't wait for his new book to be released next month.
I'm so tired of caring to be crapped on. I'm done loving to be let down. That's all it's ever seemed to be. So now my cares, and my all my love, are going into top secret confinement where no one will ever find them again. Someone strangle me the next time I consider busting them out. Curse these futile efforts of mine. This is a vicious cycle. I should have taken them seriously when they said that only one thing remains.
Let's close this out in prayer, that this might not end so morbidly. Ha. You ready?
"My life is not my own, to You I belong. I give myself away, so You can use me." But when you say it, you gotta mean it. I sure do. Grace, peace, and mercy be multiplied to you all <3
Orientation fer DBU was simply amazing. There were so many foine white boys, I nearly lost my mind. Let's talk about how we had a worship service... during orientation! The fed us like royalty, and it's always nice to be on that gorgeous campus. I am so excited for school in the fall. Yes, Crystal Michelle Gomes is excited for school. Someone call CNN.
My efforts at not sitting in this house all summer have been a success thus far. I've been spending a lot of time with BFF Kylie, and I love it! Church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, you know. My dad and I actually hung out on fathers day. That was new, and nice. Me and my mommy have even hung out a little. Whaaaaaat?
On Saturday I went to a girls conference at Dayspring Church with SBFF Kimbra. Let us note that this is a black church, and I regularly attend a predominantly white church. So basically, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN xD The theme was about shining, and their theme scripture was Matthew 5:16. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I especially enjoyed the little segment about purity (and each angle of it). They gave us super cute pink and white purity bracelets; one for us, and one for a friend (: OH, also, Kimbra started shouting after the classic "Everything" drama. It was only 25% funny, but it was 100% glorious. Bahahaha, I love her, and I hope she doesn't slide me for saying that.
Oh my goodness, church yesterday was so precious. The kids church put on a little patriotic performance and it made my heart smile. They closed it out with "Freedom" by Eddie James, and I totally wanted to get on stage and dance with them x] Then the whole congregation headed outside for a cookout. They gave away gift cards and an iPad. I received neither. All good though.
I spent time with Durdana today. She is the sweetest. I'm glad we're friends. Really <3
Dood, bro, son, Eric has begun the sermon series of a lifetime. He's throwing all types of holy knowledge regarding relationships all up in our faces. It's been a long time coming. Bless that man for the blessings he is certainly pouring out to we who are open and receptive to the truth. Glory, glory! I can't wait to hear the next one. Wednesday, c'mon widdit!
I just finished reading "Forgotten God." It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area, but one thing that stuck out to me the most was the idea that we ought not worry about "God's plan for our life." Instead, we should submit daily to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and watch how far that takes us. Francis Chan is a great writer, and I can't wait for his new book to be released next month.
I'm so tired of caring to be crapped on. I'm done loving to be let down. That's all it's ever seemed to be. So now my cares, and my all my love, are going into top secret confinement where no one will ever find them again. Someone strangle me the next time I consider busting them out. Curse these futile efforts of mine. This is a vicious cycle. I should have taken them seriously when they said that only one thing remains.
Let's close this out in prayer, that this might not end so morbidly. Ha. You ready?
"My life is not my own, to You I belong. I give myself away, so You can use me." But when you say it, you gotta mean it. I sure do. Grace, peace, and mercy be multiplied to you all <3
Monday, June 6, 2011
#takemeaway
God never moves quite the way we want Him to, does He? But aren't His ways simply perfect.
The other day God convicted me so hard. I'm really good about seeing past peoples sin and getting to the depths of what really matters. But my supervision deactivated so quickly and almost without guilt when it came to one person. And then I talked to that person. I talked to her on a personal level. I almost immediately had to dismiss all the "reasons" I thought I had for not letting the love of Christ show through me. And besides logically having to dismiss my presumptions, I no longer emotionally wanted to keep them. At the end of the day it doesn't make one bit of difference. What really counts is that there are people who are dying and going to hell everyday because we Christians make lists of what we deem important "reasons" not to love on someone.
I'm almost done reading a book called "Radical". I thought it would be a nice follow up to "Crazy Love". It is, but it's 100 times more grown up. It highlights biblical principals that are overlooked and covered up by the American dream. The American dream suggests that we are to individually climb the latter of success for our own individual benefit and glory. He mentioned that unfortunately, these ideas are entering the church. He magnifies our calling as followers of Christ to help the poor, and make disciples of all nations through international missionary trips. Here's a big one: God blesses us with more (material things) so that we may give more, not have more. Now, in my current state of being, I don't have the means to preach the gospel in Africa. I'm not financially independent. I don't have big decisions to make about what I have and what I give. But I think that solely acquiring the knowledge of these hidden truths has blessed my soul already.
The people who hurt you the most always realize exactly who they left in the dirt just in time for "too late". Apologies and regrets don't do a dang thing for me. And they aren't going to do anything for the guilty either. I wish people were more intelligent than that. And I hope the next person who is cursed to face their bad decisions knows better than to come back to me with any of it.
These mountains and valleys in my interpersonal relationships are getting out of hand. When the same issues come up, isn't it appropriate to let go? Which people are entitled to what privileges? And when is it okay to hold on to anyone, period? Because I can remember holding on for dear life. And then I remember finally letting go and trusting God to repair things on His time. But you know what He did instead? He helped me let go... almost to the sad point of indifference. And now its almost as if the tables have turned. But I'm not that person, no matter how badly I miraculously, all of a sudden, want to be. I won't be that person. But there are a few people who have proved themselves worthy of all of my love, and for that I couldn't be more thankful.
I have freshman orientation for DBU in the morning. I'm really anxious and terribly nervous, but at the same time, I'm at peace. I haven't left peaceful very often lately. I want to be afraid of the uncertainty in my future, because that seems normal. But then again, there isn't anything normal about the way my God loves and provides for me.
My spirit has been downing in what has to be the most anointed music ever recorded. Chris August, Sanctus Real, Kirk Franklin, and Sidewalk Prophets are doing great things. But there's a certain song by Worth Dying For that I can't get out of my system. It's called Take Me Away. "So let my heart trust in You, let my fear fall. Let Your carry me through it all. And I will hold on to You, even through pain. Won't You take me away, take me away with You." I sing that song, and I mean it. I cry for it. My soul longs for it.
This summer, all I want is to fall more deeply in love with our Lord, God, and Savior: Christ Jesus. And so it shall be.
The other day God convicted me so hard. I'm really good about seeing past peoples sin and getting to the depths of what really matters. But my supervision deactivated so quickly and almost without guilt when it came to one person. And then I talked to that person. I talked to her on a personal level. I almost immediately had to dismiss all the "reasons" I thought I had for not letting the love of Christ show through me. And besides logically having to dismiss my presumptions, I no longer emotionally wanted to keep them. At the end of the day it doesn't make one bit of difference. What really counts is that there are people who are dying and going to hell everyday because we Christians make lists of what we deem important "reasons" not to love on someone.
I'm almost done reading a book called "Radical". I thought it would be a nice follow up to "Crazy Love". It is, but it's 100 times more grown up. It highlights biblical principals that are overlooked and covered up by the American dream. The American dream suggests that we are to individually climb the latter of success for our own individual benefit and glory. He mentioned that unfortunately, these ideas are entering the church. He magnifies our calling as followers of Christ to help the poor, and make disciples of all nations through international missionary trips. Here's a big one: God blesses us with more (material things) so that we may give more, not have more. Now, in my current state of being, I don't have the means to preach the gospel in Africa. I'm not financially independent. I don't have big decisions to make about what I have and what I give. But I think that solely acquiring the knowledge of these hidden truths has blessed my soul already.
The people who hurt you the most always realize exactly who they left in the dirt just in time for "too late". Apologies and regrets don't do a dang thing for me. And they aren't going to do anything for the guilty either. I wish people were more intelligent than that. And I hope the next person who is cursed to face their bad decisions knows better than to come back to me with any of it.
These mountains and valleys in my interpersonal relationships are getting out of hand. When the same issues come up, isn't it appropriate to let go? Which people are entitled to what privileges? And when is it okay to hold on to anyone, period? Because I can remember holding on for dear life. And then I remember finally letting go and trusting God to repair things on His time. But you know what He did instead? He helped me let go... almost to the sad point of indifference. And now its almost as if the tables have turned. But I'm not that person, no matter how badly I miraculously, all of a sudden, want to be. I won't be that person. But there are a few people who have proved themselves worthy of all of my love, and for that I couldn't be more thankful.
I have freshman orientation for DBU in the morning. I'm really anxious and terribly nervous, but at the same time, I'm at peace. I haven't left peaceful very often lately. I want to be afraid of the uncertainty in my future, because that seems normal. But then again, there isn't anything normal about the way my God loves and provides for me.
My spirit has been downing in what has to be the most anointed music ever recorded. Chris August, Sanctus Real, Kirk Franklin, and Sidewalk Prophets are doing great things. But there's a certain song by Worth Dying For that I can't get out of my system. It's called Take Me Away. "So let my heart trust in You, let my fear fall. Let Your carry me through it all. And I will hold on to You, even through pain. Won't You take me away, take me away with You." I sing that song, and I mean it. I cry for it. My soul longs for it.
This summer, all I want is to fall more deeply in love with our Lord, God, and Savior: Christ Jesus. And so it shall be.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
#classof2011
So I graduated yesterday. This is crazy.
I got there entirely too early, because that's the foolery they told me, and I didn't know any better. Stephanie (salutatorian) mentioned me in her speech. She used the word "swaglicious" to describe our class. Only her, right? She quoted one of Mrs. D'spain's last words to our government class, and it was so meaningful. Jenny's speech was simply beautiful. She talked about the different definitions of the word "brilliance" and said that the definition she knew was most applicable to all of us was the ability to radiate/reflect light. She said she knew that, because we were crafted in the image of the source of light Himself. Then she whipped out some scripture, and man. I wanted to cry.
I was nervous as all get out walking across that stage. But then I got my little diploma holder and breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. I'm done with high school. My chains are gone, I've been set free! I didn't cry at graduation. I didn't care to stand outside The Potter's House and take pictures with people I might not see any time soon. Perhaps none of this has hit me yet. But perhaps I just know what I have to look forward to.
I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at Pappadeaux. No, sillies, I didn't go to the club. I had church this morning.
Baccalaureate was a blessing. "Your life is only as big as your faith, and your faith is only as big as your God." How big is your God? Mine is the bigger than the air I breathe. Sky's not even the limit <3
The last few days of school were a blur, son. I swore I'd be drowning in tears, but not even. I only cried in government. I cried because Mrs. D'spain was throwing out some madd love. And then I looked at Jehwet and realized my time with him was probably coming to a close, because he is such a fricken floater. Like, he'll make college friends and it'll be like, "Crystal, who?" So I cried kinda hard and hugged him fer a kinda long time. I gotta say this. In these past few months of Christopher emerging with some intense flavor (xD) I've come to care for him a lot. And even though his flavor has worn out, I'm gonna miss that boy. I really am.
I have a lot to look forward to this week. This is all so exciting. This is short because I'm coming back tomorrow with the good stuff. I need to speak with my wife.
I got there entirely too early, because that's the foolery they told me, and I didn't know any better. Stephanie (salutatorian) mentioned me in her speech. She used the word "swaglicious" to describe our class. Only her, right? She quoted one of Mrs. D'spain's last words to our government class, and it was so meaningful. Jenny's speech was simply beautiful. She talked about the different definitions of the word "brilliance" and said that the definition she knew was most applicable to all of us was the ability to radiate/reflect light. She said she knew that, because we were crafted in the image of the source of light Himself. Then she whipped out some scripture, and man. I wanted to cry.
I was nervous as all get out walking across that stage. But then I got my little diploma holder and breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. I'm done with high school. My chains are gone, I've been set free! I didn't cry at graduation. I didn't care to stand outside The Potter's House and take pictures with people I might not see any time soon. Perhaps none of this has hit me yet. But perhaps I just know what I have to look forward to.
I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at Pappadeaux. No, sillies, I didn't go to the club. I had church this morning.
Baccalaureate was a blessing. "Your life is only as big as your faith, and your faith is only as big as your God." How big is your God? Mine is the bigger than the air I breathe. Sky's not even the limit <3
The last few days of school were a blur, son. I swore I'd be drowning in tears, but not even. I only cried in government. I cried because Mrs. D'spain was throwing out some madd love. And then I looked at Jehwet and realized my time with him was probably coming to a close, because he is such a fricken floater. Like, he'll make college friends and it'll be like, "Crystal, who?" So I cried kinda hard and hugged him fer a kinda long time. I gotta say this. In these past few months of Christopher emerging with some intense flavor (xD) I've come to care for him a lot. And even though his flavor has worn out, I'm gonna miss that boy. I really am.
I have a lot to look forward to this week. This is all so exciting. This is short because I'm coming back tomorrow with the good stuff. I need to speak with my wife.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
#bloop
Bro, my life has been on absolute crack this past week. I wish I were kidding.
Last Wednesday I was so hype for church because I knew the song list was like extra powerful. And then I get there and people didn't show up and the song list was altered and I was devastated. More like freaking angry. I can't for the life of me understand why some people don't get as excited to minister as I do. Ridiculous. So basically I really almost ran away and went to big church, because I was that upset! The only thing that brought me back to reality was that one of the younger ones, Chelsie, ran up to me and said, "Church is about to start, Crystal! Where are you going?" True story.
Duh, I'm glad I stayed. Service was powerful regardless. Andddddd, I'd like to announce that my wife is back for the summer. :DDD
Senior breakfast and awards on Friday was like extra good and sweet, and I'm kind of surprised about that. The breakfast was alright, but the company was even greater. Chris, Candace, and Jehwet made that a good time fersure. Not to mention how cute my dress was :) It's like winding down, guys. My time in high school is about to be up, and I seemed to have been reminded of that at senior breakfast.
Awards was fun because Meg and I were harassing Chris the whole time. BAHAHAHA. We were tickling him, and he grabbed my hand in a fit of anger and like, stared at it for a second, and then slammed it into the chair in front of me. It hurt, but at the same time, I was about to die laughing. Anddd to top it all off, I got a certificate for Acadec, a medal for "Who's Who" in family and counseling sciences, anddd a plaque for being a National Achievement semi-finalist. That medal is the cutest thing ever. It's a Macarthur, TX logo :3
After awards, me, Chelsea, and Jehwet dipped out and went to eat at Cheddar's with Chelsea's mom and Candace's mom. Candace wasn't cool enough to come with us. That dork. Mannnnn, I'm so glad I got to spend that time with Chelsea. I hadn't talked to her since like middle school, and let's just say I've fersure been missing out! :D
Prom was on Saturday! THIS ONE BOY, was extra fine. And it didn't help that I've been in love with him since like sixth grade. I'ma leave it at that though. Theo also looked pretty darn gorgeous if I do say so myself. I had such a nice time. Me and my friends looked simply beautiful, and we got our jigg on. What more can a senior ask for? I felt like a princess, realtalk. After prom wasn't that exciting but it's okay. Sheyla won a Kindle. Swag :D
I got home from After Prom around 5:30 and accidentally dozed off. I meant to stay up so that I wouldn't be so dead when it came time to move around. It's kay though. God woke me up right on time. Gosh I was tired. Bible study was good <3 I don't know what happened during worship but my spirit completely freaked out. I was worshiping like normal, and then "Hosanna" came on and RIGHT when the chorus hit I started crying uncontrollably. Weird right? I looked up the literal translation for hosanna, and it means "Save us now." Yup, still don't have any clue what that was about but I'm sure God thought it was beautiful.
Blahh. We had outreach after service and I soo wasn't feeling it because I was cranky. I saw that some of the other youth like Alisha and Connor were really into it though, and that made me happy.
Wanna know something funny? I woke up on time fer school yesterday and decided to stay home instead xD I needed that though. And I got my spanish project done. It's cute.
Bruhh. Last night I died and came back to life... or something. My two most valued female friends are having boy troubles. And talking to them about their struggles took me right back to mine. I really felt hopeless last night, and like God had forsaken me. Just like the old days, ha. Now that I'm feeling better, I realize God let me feel that again because I was starting to forget all that I'd learned about pain and the human heart. It was evident in the way I'd responded to one of my friend's poor methods at dealing with the hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night, but I don't think it was for me.
Maybe it was for the whole world. Yes, I like a boy. Yes, I think about a boy. No, that boy does not like me. No, that boy doesn't think about me. But you know what? I got SO much other stuff to be worried about-- things that actually matter! And I just wanna see God's face.
This morning I was still suck on sad, but then half way through the day I remembered that I'm too blessed to care. I care about what God's working through all these storms, I just don't care that the storms must come. You feel me?
I had some interesting conversations with Jehwet, Kimbra (I love her), and Candace today. BLOOP. I'm already super excited fer church tomorrow, but I'ma stop because this is clearly the longest blog ever.
My God is GOOD. Shout it out! :D
May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Last Wednesday I was so hype for church because I knew the song list was like extra powerful. And then I get there and people didn't show up and the song list was altered and I was devastated. More like freaking angry. I can't for the life of me understand why some people don't get as excited to minister as I do. Ridiculous. So basically I really almost ran away and went to big church, because I was that upset! The only thing that brought me back to reality was that one of the younger ones, Chelsie, ran up to me and said, "Church is about to start, Crystal! Where are you going?" True story.
Duh, I'm glad I stayed. Service was powerful regardless. Andddddd, I'd like to announce that my wife is back for the summer. :DDD
Senior breakfast and awards on Friday was like extra good and sweet, and I'm kind of surprised about that. The breakfast was alright, but the company was even greater. Chris, Candace, and Jehwet made that a good time fersure. Not to mention how cute my dress was :) It's like winding down, guys. My time in high school is about to be up, and I seemed to have been reminded of that at senior breakfast.
Awards was fun because Meg and I were harassing Chris the whole time. BAHAHAHA. We were tickling him, and he grabbed my hand in a fit of anger and like, stared at it for a second, and then slammed it into the chair in front of me. It hurt, but at the same time, I was about to die laughing. Anddd to top it all off, I got a certificate for Acadec, a medal for "Who's Who" in family and counseling sciences, anddd a plaque for being a National Achievement semi-finalist. That medal is the cutest thing ever. It's a Macarthur, TX logo :3
After awards, me, Chelsea, and Jehwet dipped out and went to eat at Cheddar's with Chelsea's mom and Candace's mom. Candace wasn't cool enough to come with us. That dork. Mannnnn, I'm so glad I got to spend that time with Chelsea. I hadn't talked to her since like middle school, and let's just say I've fersure been missing out! :D
Prom was on Saturday! THIS ONE BOY, was extra fine. And it didn't help that I've been in love with him since like sixth grade. I'ma leave it at that though. Theo also looked pretty darn gorgeous if I do say so myself. I had such a nice time. Me and my friends looked simply beautiful, and we got our jigg on. What more can a senior ask for? I felt like a princess, realtalk. After prom wasn't that exciting but it's okay. Sheyla won a Kindle. Swag :D
I got home from After Prom around 5:30 and accidentally dozed off. I meant to stay up so that I wouldn't be so dead when it came time to move around. It's kay though. God woke me up right on time. Gosh I was tired. Bible study was good <3 I don't know what happened during worship but my spirit completely freaked out. I was worshiping like normal, and then "Hosanna" came on and RIGHT when the chorus hit I started crying uncontrollably. Weird right? I looked up the literal translation for hosanna, and it means "Save us now." Yup, still don't have any clue what that was about but I'm sure God thought it was beautiful.
Blahh. We had outreach after service and I soo wasn't feeling it because I was cranky. I saw that some of the other youth like Alisha and Connor were really into it though, and that made me happy.
Wanna know something funny? I woke up on time fer school yesterday and decided to stay home instead xD I needed that though. And I got my spanish project done. It's cute.
Bruhh. Last night I died and came back to life... or something. My two most valued female friends are having boy troubles. And talking to them about their struggles took me right back to mine. I really felt hopeless last night, and like God had forsaken me. Just like the old days, ha. Now that I'm feeling better, I realize God let me feel that again because I was starting to forget all that I'd learned about pain and the human heart. It was evident in the way I'd responded to one of my friend's poor methods at dealing with the hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night, but I don't think it was for me.
Maybe it was for the whole world. Yes, I like a boy. Yes, I think about a boy. No, that boy does not like me. No, that boy doesn't think about me. But you know what? I got SO much other stuff to be worried about-- things that actually matter! And I just wanna see God's face.
This morning I was still suck on sad, but then half way through the day I remembered that I'm too blessed to care. I care about what God's working through all these storms, I just don't care that the storms must come. You feel me?
I had some interesting conversations with Jehwet, Kimbra (I love her), and Candace today. BLOOP. I'm already super excited fer church tomorrow, but I'ma stop because this is clearly the longest blog ever.
My God is GOOD. Shout it out! :D
May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Friday, May 13, 2011
#hellofear
Kirk Franklin has a new CD, right? The chorus of the first song says:
Never again will I love you. My heart, it refuses to be your home. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: apart from you is where I belong. Never again will I trust you. I'm tired of fighting, it's been way too long. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: who I was then now is gone.
You know who he's talkin' to? Fear. I've lived in so much fear in the past. Fear of getting hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of what other people will say. But no more. If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Goodbye fear, hello grace.
Just when you think you're on top of things, God reveals a little bit more of His light. And then for a quick second, you're blind and just freakin' out. I don't know how to describe the light this time, but it makes me hurt for other people when I ought to be sleep and enjoying the rarely acquired peace I've managed to create for myself. To be honest, I'm probably still freaking out. All of this depression, oppression, hopelessness, emptiness, I've been seeing makes me angry. If only they knew how much Jesus loved them, and that there is healing, and that there is forgiveness.
As of late, I've been taking God so seriously. This isn't a game of who can walk the line between life and death and still see His face. This isn't a competition of who can do the least in order to inherit the most. This is it. This is all that matters. This is God and all His glory. What's even left after that? So I've really been questioning my future. Deep down inside I want God to call me into full time ministry just when I'm about to start the plans I've made for myself. But that's... well, crazy. What's even crazier is that other people tell me it's not quite as crazy as I'd like it to be.
Prom is next weekend. I'm really not as enthusiastic about this as I thought I would be. I haven't gotten my dress yet, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think so, though. My priorities have changed drastically.
AP tests are over; shout to the Lord!
I ordered Radical, Knowledge of the Holy, and Forgotten God earlier this week, and they should be here TOMORROW. They better be, because I've waited long enough. Ahhh! :D Suddenly, I can't get enough of reading. And suddenly, I can't get enough of Him, either.
I can't wait for bible study on Sunday. We're gonna start in on Revelations, and I don't have any clue, but I'm lookin' to find one! I love Chrystal Cole.
Today I got a Hawk Nelson CD, the second Francesca Battistelli CD, and the JB DVD.
Ugh, I'll be out all day looking for a stupid prom dress.
This is getting repetitive, but I can't say it enough: God is so good.
Never again will I love you. My heart, it refuses to be your home. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: apart from you is where I belong. Never again will I trust you. I'm tired of fighting, it's been way too long. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: who I was then now is gone.
You know who he's talkin' to? Fear. I've lived in so much fear in the past. Fear of getting hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of what other people will say. But no more. If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Goodbye fear, hello grace.
Just when you think you're on top of things, God reveals a little bit more of His light. And then for a quick second, you're blind and just freakin' out. I don't know how to describe the light this time, but it makes me hurt for other people when I ought to be sleep and enjoying the rarely acquired peace I've managed to create for myself. To be honest, I'm probably still freaking out. All of this depression, oppression, hopelessness, emptiness, I've been seeing makes me angry. If only they knew how much Jesus loved them, and that there is healing, and that there is forgiveness.
As of late, I've been taking God so seriously. This isn't a game of who can walk the line between life and death and still see His face. This isn't a competition of who can do the least in order to inherit the most. This is it. This is all that matters. This is God and all His glory. What's even left after that? So I've really been questioning my future. Deep down inside I want God to call me into full time ministry just when I'm about to start the plans I've made for myself. But that's... well, crazy. What's even crazier is that other people tell me it's not quite as crazy as I'd like it to be.
Prom is next weekend. I'm really not as enthusiastic about this as I thought I would be. I haven't gotten my dress yet, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think so, though. My priorities have changed drastically.
AP tests are over; shout to the Lord!
I ordered Radical, Knowledge of the Holy, and Forgotten God earlier this week, and they should be here TOMORROW. They better be, because I've waited long enough. Ahhh! :D Suddenly, I can't get enough of reading. And suddenly, I can't get enough of Him, either.
I can't wait for bible study on Sunday. We're gonna start in on Revelations, and I don't have any clue, but I'm lookin' to find one! I love Chrystal Cole.
Today I got a Hawk Nelson CD, the second Francesca Battistelli CD, and the JB DVD.
Ugh, I'll be out all day looking for a stupid prom dress.
This is getting repetitive, but I can't say it enough: God is so good.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
#candid
How to say the things you wished you'd never even have to think about.
I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.
Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?
So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.
Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.
I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.
Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.
You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:
Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.
So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.
I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.
Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?
So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.
Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.
I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.
Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.
You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:
Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.
So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.
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