#bloop

Bro, my life has been on absolute crack this past week. I wish I were kidding.

Last Wednesday I was so hype for church because I knew the song list was like extra powerful. And then I get there and people didn't show up and the song list was altered and I was devastated. More like freaking angry. I can't for the life of me understand why some people don't get as excited to minister as I do. Ridiculous. So basically I really almost ran away and went to big church, because I was that upset! The only thing that brought me back to reality was that one of the younger ones, Chelsie, ran up to me and said, "Church is about to start, Crystal! Where are you going?" True story.

Duh, I'm glad I stayed. Service was powerful regardless. Andddddd, I'd like to announce that my wife is back for the summer. :DDD

Senior breakfast and awards on Friday was like extra good and sweet, and I'm kind of surprised about that. The breakfast was alright, but the company was even greater. Chris, Candace, and Jehwet made that a good time fersure. Not to mention how cute my dress was :) It's like winding down, guys. My time in high school is about to be up, and I seemed to have been reminded of that at senior breakfast.

Awards was fun because Meg and I were harassing Chris the whole time. BAHAHAHA. We were tickling him, and he grabbed my hand in a fit of anger and like, stared at it for a second, and then slammed it into the chair in front of me. It hurt, but at the same time, I was about to die laughing. Anddd to top it all off, I got a certificate for Acadec, a medal for "Who's Who" in family and counseling sciences, anddd a plaque for being a National Achievement semi-finalist. That medal is the cutest thing ever. It's a Macarthur, TX logo :3

After awards, me, Chelsea, and Jehwet dipped out and went to eat at Cheddar's with Chelsea's mom and Candace's mom. Candace wasn't cool enough to come with us. That dork. Mannnnn, I'm so glad I got to spend that time with Chelsea. I hadn't talked to her since like middle school, and let's just say I've fersure been missing out! :D

Prom was on Saturday! THIS ONE BOY, was extra fine. And it didn't help that I've been in love with him since like sixth grade. I'ma leave it at that though. Theo also looked pretty darn gorgeous if I do say so myself. I had such a nice time. Me and my friends looked simply beautiful, and we got our jigg on. What more can a senior ask for? I felt like a princess, realtalk. After prom wasn't that exciting but it's okay. Sheyla won a Kindle. Swag :D

I got home from After Prom around 5:30 and accidentally dozed off. I meant to stay up so that I wouldn't be so dead when it came time to move around. It's kay though. God woke me up right on time. Gosh I was tired. Bible study was good <3 I don't know what happened during worship but my spirit completely freaked out. I was worshiping like normal, and then "Hosanna" came on and RIGHT when the chorus hit I started crying uncontrollably. Weird right? I looked up the literal translation for hosanna, and it means "Save us now." Yup, still don't have any clue what that was about but I'm sure God thought it was beautiful.

Blahh. We had outreach after service and I soo wasn't feeling it because I was cranky. I saw that some of the other youth like Alisha and Connor were really into it though, and that made me happy.

Wanna know something funny? I woke up on time fer school yesterday and decided to stay home instead xD I needed that though. And I got my spanish project done. It's cute.

Bruhh. Last night I died and came back to life... or something. My two most valued female friends are having boy troubles. And talking to them about their struggles took me right back to mine. I really felt hopeless last night, and like God had forsaken me. Just like the old days, ha. Now that I'm feeling better, I realize God let me feel that again because I was starting to forget all that I'd learned about pain and the human heart. It was evident in the way I'd responded to one of my friend's poor methods at dealing with the hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night, but I don't think it was for me.

Maybe it was for the whole world. Yes, I like a boy. Yes, I think about a boy. No, that boy does not like me. No, that boy doesn't think about me. But you know what? I got SO much other stuff to be worried about-- things that actually matter! And I just wanna see God's face.

This morning I was still suck on sad, but then half way through the day I remembered that I'm too blessed to care. I care about what God's working through all these storms, I just don't care that the storms must come. You feel me?

I had some interesting conversations with Jehwet, Kimbra (I love her), and Candace today. BLOOP. I'm already super excited fer church tomorrow, but I'ma stop because this is clearly the longest blog ever.

My God is GOOD. Shout it out! :D
May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

#hellofear

Kirk Franklin has a new CD, right? The chorus of the first song says:
Never again will I love you. My heart, it refuses to be your home. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: apart from you is where I belong. Never again will I trust you. I'm tired of fighting, it's been way too long. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: who I was then now is gone.

You know who he's talkin' to? Fear. I've lived in so much fear in the past. Fear of getting hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of what other people will say. But no more. If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Goodbye fear, hello grace.

Just when you think you're on top of things, God reveals a little bit more of His light. And then for a quick second, you're blind and just freakin' out. I don't know how to describe the light this time, but it makes me hurt for other people when I ought to be sleep and enjoying the rarely acquired peace I've managed to create for myself. To be honest, I'm probably still freaking out. All of this depression, oppression, hopelessness, emptiness, I've been seeing makes me angry. If only they knew how much Jesus loved them, and that there is healing, and that there is forgiveness.

As of late, I've been taking God so seriously. This isn't a game of who can walk the line between life and death and still see His face. This isn't a competition of who can do the least in order to inherit the most. This is it. This is all that matters. This is God and all His glory. What's even left after that? So I've really been questioning my future. Deep down inside I want God to call me into full time ministry just when I'm about to start the plans I've made for myself. But that's... well, crazy. What's even crazier is that other people tell me it's not quite as crazy as I'd like it to be.

Prom is next weekend. I'm really not as enthusiastic about this as I thought I would be. I haven't gotten my dress yet, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think so, though. My priorities have changed drastically.

AP tests are over; shout to the Lord!

I ordered Radical, Knowledge of the Holy, and Forgotten God earlier this week, and they should be here TOMORROW. They better be, because I've waited long enough. Ahhh! :D Suddenly, I can't get enough of reading. And suddenly, I can't get enough of Him, either.

I can't wait for bible study on Sunday. We're gonna start in on Revelations, and I don't have any clue, but I'm lookin' to find one! I love Chrystal Cole.

Today I got a Hawk Nelson CD, the second Francesca Battistelli CD, and the JB DVD.

Ugh, I'll be out all day looking for a stupid prom dress.

This is getting repetitive, but I can't say it enough: God is so good.

#candid

How to say the things you wished you'd never even have to think about.

I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.

Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?

So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.

Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.

I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.

Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.

You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:

Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.

So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.

#sandcastles

Life is a beach: beautiful and enchanting to the utmost. You search the entire shore looking for something special, something different. And then by what seems to be divine intervention, you find it. Like a sea shell you just can't take your eyes off of. And I mean that sea shell is perfect. So you stop dead in your tracks and never even think twice about where you've sat yourself.

Have you ever built a sand castle? You're on the beach! Look at what you've got to work with! So many possibilities, and you know exactly what you want. It doesn't take long to conjure up the most extravagant structure ever fathomed. It's got sticks and rocks and behold, that dazzling little sea shell is the center piece. It's so big that you've created a deficit of sand in every direction as far as the eye can see. But you don't know the difference because you can't look past that shell, that gorgeous little shell.

The wind blows, and the skies change, but you're still lost in the majesty of your castle. The storm hits and you're painfully reminded that it's always just been sand. You watch as waves wash away your everything, and make an executive decision to leave the beach, indefinitely.

You're so devastated by the everyday occurrences in nature. But the real devastation is that you convinced yourself the cycle would stop for you. How could you be so naive? How could you be so silly? How could you be so stupid?

But the Sun does come out (one of the more fortunate events in nature). You don't want to go back and examine the damage, but a part of you knows it's unavoidable. The beach doesn't even look the same, perhaps because the sand has been equally reapportioned again. Your castle is no where to be found, but your shell is right there where you were forced to leave it. You start to think that maybe it should stay there, but quickly realize that the beach is less beautiful when you don't have your shell. And so you go back. The Sun shines brightly on it's newly acquired scratches, but it's still just as precious as you can remember.

How many sea shells are there on a beach? And there's gotta be one that shines brighter, too. None of that seems to matter, though; you don't want a new one. It won't be the same. And even deeper, how could you ever let go of the old one, your first one.

You don't know what you'll do with that shell now. Sometimes you want to destroy it and everything it stands for, except that's not too far from destroying yourself. It's crossed your mind to think up some new architecture, but it's always just been sand.

It's always just been sand.

So you'll wonder along the shore like in the beginning, but it's not back to square one. There's no telling what will become of you and your shell, but there is a most comforting hope. The Sun is still shining.

#groundzero

I've been really missing my ignorant, innocent bliss. You know, when a good intention meant something, and there was hope in a promise. You know, when "sorry" meant that things were going to change. All that stuff is so far down the drain in my eyes now. I just wanna be six again, wahhhh.

It's such a shame that I'm being thrown away over a boy. I mean, it's happened before with her, but daaaang. I'm more disappointed about how she's handling it, though. It's like we've never even be friends. I get like, daily reports of her talking trash-- like whoa. And all those people she calls herself "venting" to agree with me. I'm just the only one who cared enough to be proactive about it. But I'm the bad one here. She's acting like I don't want her to be happy or something ridiculous like that. But aight. I won't even say I told you so.

Did y'all notice the past tense in cared? Yea. /:

I know that no friendship will ever be perfect, unless it's fake, but I'd rather have a whole bunch of different disagreements, than the same one over and over. I don't think I'll be making myself available for this kind of disagreement again. I hate when friendships expire. Especially one that meant so much. But I can't help but feel like I'll be needed before I need. It's a sad day, anyway.

And this is some crazy temptation. If I'm gonna be the bad guy either way, I might as well back up my title, right (; Ha, no. God dealt with me on that last night. Today I reminded myself that they talked about Jesus too, when all He was trying to do was spread the gospel.

Man, now that I think about it, God has been dealing with me on a LOT of stuff. I had been feeling totally vengeful about something, and it was scaring me. I didn't wanna be that way, but at the same time, I sooo did. LOL, I'd stopped praying and kept myself from reading my bible because I already knew what God was gonna say and didn't wanna hear it. Surprise, He got the message to me anyway.

I miss my mommy. Everyone can feel free to SHUT UP about your sarcastic comments. (:

But so the womens retreat was pretty goooood! I loved spending all that time with Bekah and Nicole. The sermons were a lot of backing what I already knew. And lets just say, "some things never change" has been praised out of my thought process. Things change according to God's perfect time, not according to our own impatient, selfish wants.

I wanna tell Jehwet that I'm totally having my cake and eating it too, but I don't wanna tell him the details cuz he'll shake his head at me... like everyone else is seemingly doing xD

Mrs. D'spain is my favorite teacher evar. x]

ABDC tonight, woot! And praise God for Friday, which is definitely tomorrow.

#ohhappyday

I should have known this was coming. :D

So yesterday, actually right after I posted that "end of the world" blog, I had an intense conversation with my BFF Alicia. She put me in check, hard. She said that I was switching acceptance with healing and that why I still cry sometimes. I keep making excuses for him, but the bottom line is I was hurt. And that's it. Not "I was hurt but it's okay because blah blah blah and he only meant womp womp womp." I want there to be some method to this madness, always. "But he had to be justified in hurting me so badly." She so did not like me saying that. She said that it wasn't my place to excuse his actions, because I don't actually have the knowledge to complete such an action. And then she yelled at me more when I told her it's been too long fer me to still be concerned with this. "If you cared about him the way you say you did, it's going to take more than a few months to heal. The way you feel won't altar reality, and the reality is your heart is broken." This is like a whole new world for me xD

But duh, I'm not mad at him, so that always helps.

Man I remember back in the day when I couldn't get Alicia to open up to me for NOTHIN'. I've always just been so drawn to having a friendship with her, and now I totally see the reason. She used to be so down all the time and it hurt me to see that because I couldn't ever change her circumstances. But as of late, she has fallen in love with the Lord. *stops to do a praise dance* And now she's preaching His love to me the way I used to preach it to her. I really hope she gets to come to DBU with me. We're so gonna be roommates. And BFFs... FINALLY.

I also talked to Kylie. She made me more aware of something, as well. She said that instead of facing it, I'm running from it. I'm running to God, so it's definitely an appropriate run. I still don't quite understand what she was saying, but I feel like theres some truth to it, nonetheless.

Have y'all noticed how blessed I am to have such a support group? :D

Yesterday before church, I was REALLY testy, because I was thinking about how I wanted worship to be perfect. Everyone in the youth band is a minister, and it's our job to usher the Spirit into service. I was listening to the song list and realizing how amazing it was and... blah. What I'm trying to explain really is irrelevant because God moved all up IN that thang! Freedom: chains were breaking loose. You Hold Me Now: people were praising Him in advance. Fire Fall Down: we were calling out to Him for more.

I don't know if everyone hit the right notes at all times, and I don't know if the vocals were loud enough but obviously, none of that stuff even mattered. To be honest, I'm not completely sure what was going on the whole time. I was so lost in the worship, asking God to send the fire. There was an altar call for people who had a burden they didn't want anymore. Hello. I came off the stage and asked Nicole to pray for me, and lemme tell you, I FELT that prayer.

So today, my outfit is cute, my heart is warm, my smile is big, and my God is good.

I'm looking forward to my hair appointment this afternoon, and ABDC. That little Asian judge man is so sexy. I'm also pretty excited to see my husband Sterling (;

Tomorrow I'm leaving school early and going to my future school with Karla. And then we're heading to Bekah's house for the Womens Retreat this weekend at the campgrounds. I wasn't going to go, but Nicole told me God told her I need to be there. That in itself tells me great things are gonna go down.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. :D

#goodmorning

You know how some things nevar change and you don't really get over them, you just get used to them. Except for the times where you suddenly aren't used to them. Nothing I want to discuss. But you know, that one thing that always bothers you until the end of forever even after you think you're done with it. When you really should have been done with it a long time ago. But... some things never change. I've prayed about it a lot, and now I'm starting to think God wants me to be trapped forever. I wish it was something that was just my own fault. I wish I had blatantly messed up. I wish there weren't so many loose ends everywhere. I'll stop talking about this now, though. I know theres a reason, but I wish He'd tell me because sometimes I let it keep me from living my fricken life. And sometimes I cry. And everything makes me remember. But it wasn't even my fault. It just happened to me, and now it's going to consume me, because some things never change. And I know I don't "need" for it to fix itself. Because Jesus is all I'll ever need. I just wish... I don't even know what I wish anymore. I wish I didn't still cry sometimes. This type of thing hurts my pride. Vomit, vomit, embarrassment, vomit.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

From what I can tell, I can't have anything. Being 'over it' is not a real life concept; it's an untruth you tell yourself so you'll get up in the morning. Cuz joy comes in the morning, right? And all of the lies you tell yourself to get there. I'm starting to feel like a victim. I used to feel like an innocent bystander who showed up at the wrong time.

It's the morning, but I'm not sure what came today. I don't even want to deceive myself anymore.

And what's great about all of this is I can't even break down the way I need to during worship today, because I have to freaking lead it. I'm not mad at God, I'm pissed beyond measure at this piece of crap world, and all it's murders who kill the good in people without even being phased. These murderers-- they've gone unaffected and I can't even get past it. But it's not the murderer that makes me cringe. It's the fact that I've been murdered.

Lol, this is some bull. School is far today.

Dear Lane Harper, my life would suck without you. Thank you for always listening to me hurt about the same things, and saying funny things to make them better. "I'm gonna play my bass on the ground and stare at you." LOL, you don't even know how that has affected my day. You are such a cool kid, and I love you.