discourage - (v.) 1. to deprive of courage, hope, or confidence; dishearten; dispirit 2. to dissuade 3. to obstruct by opposition or difficulty; hinder
Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of courage? "Be brave", right? But I don't even think I remember what being being brave requires, no matter how far the standards have been lowered. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of hope? Hope means believing for the good things you can't see; but it's one thing to not see the good, and it's another for the bad to be ever-present and reoccurring. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of confidence? The emptiest words I catch myself saying these days are: "It'll be okay." I don't say that in faith, I say that out of habit, and perhaps because that's what I hear. Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose.
Have I ever been so disheartened? The same things that keep my heart beating through the day do well in stopping it through the night. Nirvana is and always has been more appealing than this fluctuating hot and cold. How can I find that place? Have I ever been so dispirited? Assuredly I say to you, I have not. Waking up wish you hadn't because the meaning of your days is missing is a most devastating feeling. How can you breathe without air? Life support is undesirable and equally inadequate. Have I ever been so dissuaded? I have. But those dissuasive properties have yet to diminish and the weight is piling up. I will say that this is a different type of dissuasion: lighter according to general perception, but terribly heavy on the heart.
Have I ever felt so obstructed by opposition or difficulty? Time will tell, but I'm afraid of what it will say. I think any person will only stand for so much obstruction before they cease construction altogether. But when I think about everything I worked so hard to build, even against all the original blockades, I genuinely am overcome with anger. I was taught that things were to come together for my good, not come together to break me down. But then again, let's consider what other things I've been taught. The pattern is definitely holding true.
The moral of the story is that I really need to stop getting my hopes up. I swear I'm let down every time. And every fall breaks more than I can even begin to piece back together.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
#christmaslove
I remember the first year I decided Christmas was of the devil. Like, I can specifically recall the things that made me give up on this holiday. It was the first time in a while I'd been to my grandmother's house, and ugh, it's so awful there. And it was awful on Christmas too. I woke up at 6 in the morning to people screaming at each other... on Christmas. I'm shuttering at the thought. Really. I was too young.
So all the Christmas holidays after that were kind of... just whatever. I didn't care to get up early and see what I'd gotten. Sometimes my mom had to force me to put up the tree with her, and there were years we didn't even put up a tree at all. It didn't make a difference to me. I barely cared enough to ask for anything. I'm a natural giver at heart so that aspect only slightly wavered.
The majority of that stolen Christmas spirit was restored which I discovered the real meaning. You know? Jesus is the reason for the season. So for the past two years no matter what gifts I couldn't give or didn't receive, I had joy. Little baby Jesus was born and you couldn't tell me NOTHING.
But this year isn't like last year. I don't have the joy of Jesus in my heart. So I woke up this morning and thought about the Christmas experience that other people must be having. Those with families and faith and giving and receiving. I've had faith, and I've had giving and receiving, but I've never had family. And this year I was under the impression that I wouldn't have any of them.
I'm spending this time with my daddy. Prior to today, I hadn't seen my mother in 10 days and barely spoken to her between time, via text message at that. It's crazy to be away from her like this, especially when I should be home, but I know it will be good for us given the circumstances that encouraged my decision to be here instead of there.
I came in and gave my mommy a hug and told her merry Christmas and all that jazz. It felt good. She was getting ready for church, and I decided I'd go with her so that we'd actually spend time together while I was in Irving. I was definitely in pajamas and we needed to leave in like 15 minutes, so I ran upstairs to get dressed. Except, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stack of presents. I asked before I touched because I didn't think they were for me, but they were. And when she said they were, I just cried. I can't even explain the feeling I had. So I gave her another hug and cried some more.
I got a pair of earrings (super cute story behind them), a red sweater dress (that I'm wearing right now because it was so cute), red vans (YES), a bunch of pajamas that are completely grandma-like (but she tried so it's okay), and this really cute army green military style jacket that I can't wait to figure out what to wear with. SWAG. I think there's some more stuff that I forgot, but, you know.
Church was typical but somehow I'm kind of glad I went. It was so weird to leave my house on Christmas, but like I said, I know this is best. But it really didn't help that she made Thanksgiving dinner again... because ham is disgusting. Lol it's okay. I'm gonna go home tomorrow night and spend Tuesday with her. We're going to dinner and shopping in Lewisville, my treat.
So now I'm back at my dads house curled up in the NY Giants blanket he got me, and I can say it's a good Christmas. (There isn't a tree up here either, btw. Scrooge runs in the family.) But we're eating crab legs for dinner and I'M EXCITED. My dad's funky girlfriend went out of town so that's always nice (:
The title of this post was inspired by Justin Bieber.
"Baby, I will not pout; baby, I will not cry. Cuz I got your love this Christmas time. When the snow's on the ground, and it's freezing outside, I got your love this Christmas time. On every list I've ever sent, you're the gift I'd love the best. So deck the halls and all the rest; warm me up. Hey angel in the snow, I'm under the mistletoe. You are the one; you're my very own Christmas love. Tell Santa I'm cool this year, my present is standing right here. Thank God above, for my very own Christmas love. Like a beautiful tree, you can light up the room, but your kind of star can't be removed. Like a beautiful carol, I get lost in your song, and I will forever sing along."
And that's exactly how I feel. I love you, Matthew Paul.
Merry Christmas to you all <3
So all the Christmas holidays after that were kind of... just whatever. I didn't care to get up early and see what I'd gotten. Sometimes my mom had to force me to put up the tree with her, and there were years we didn't even put up a tree at all. It didn't make a difference to me. I barely cared enough to ask for anything. I'm a natural giver at heart so that aspect only slightly wavered.
The majority of that stolen Christmas spirit was restored which I discovered the real meaning. You know? Jesus is the reason for the season. So for the past two years no matter what gifts I couldn't give or didn't receive, I had joy. Little baby Jesus was born and you couldn't tell me NOTHING.
But this year isn't like last year. I don't have the joy of Jesus in my heart. So I woke up this morning and thought about the Christmas experience that other people must be having. Those with families and faith and giving and receiving. I've had faith, and I've had giving and receiving, but I've never had family. And this year I was under the impression that I wouldn't have any of them.
I'm spending this time with my daddy. Prior to today, I hadn't seen my mother in 10 days and barely spoken to her between time, via text message at that. It's crazy to be away from her like this, especially when I should be home, but I know it will be good for us given the circumstances that encouraged my decision to be here instead of there.
I came in and gave my mommy a hug and told her merry Christmas and all that jazz. It felt good. She was getting ready for church, and I decided I'd go with her so that we'd actually spend time together while I was in Irving. I was definitely in pajamas and we needed to leave in like 15 minutes, so I ran upstairs to get dressed. Except, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stack of presents. I asked before I touched because I didn't think they were for me, but they were. And when she said they were, I just cried. I can't even explain the feeling I had. So I gave her another hug and cried some more.
I got a pair of earrings (super cute story behind them), a red sweater dress (that I'm wearing right now because it was so cute), red vans (YES), a bunch of pajamas that are completely grandma-like (but she tried so it's okay), and this really cute army green military style jacket that I can't wait to figure out what to wear with. SWAG. I think there's some more stuff that I forgot, but, you know.
Church was typical but somehow I'm kind of glad I went. It was so weird to leave my house on Christmas, but like I said, I know this is best. But it really didn't help that she made Thanksgiving dinner again... because ham is disgusting. Lol it's okay. I'm gonna go home tomorrow night and spend Tuesday with her. We're going to dinner and shopping in Lewisville, my treat.
So now I'm back at my dads house curled up in the NY Giants blanket he got me, and I can say it's a good Christmas. (There isn't a tree up here either, btw. Scrooge runs in the family.) But we're eating crab legs for dinner and I'M EXCITED. My dad's funky girlfriend went out of town so that's always nice (:
The title of this post was inspired by Justin Bieber.
"Baby, I will not pout; baby, I will not cry. Cuz I got your love this Christmas time. When the snow's on the ground, and it's freezing outside, I got your love this Christmas time. On every list I've ever sent, you're the gift I'd love the best. So deck the halls and all the rest; warm me up. Hey angel in the snow, I'm under the mistletoe. You are the one; you're my very own Christmas love. Tell Santa I'm cool this year, my present is standing right here. Thank God above, for my very own Christmas love. Like a beautiful tree, you can light up the room, but your kind of star can't be removed. Like a beautiful carol, I get lost in your song, and I will forever sing along."
And that's exactly how I feel. I love you, Matthew Paul.
Merry Christmas to you all <3
Friday, December 23, 2011
#whatamidoing
I've been doing some things you all might not agree with. I've been thinking about some things that might break your hearts. I don't mean any harm; not to any of you, anyway.
Everything I ever said I'd never do has made its way into my life. I say it like it's all been coincidental or even convenient, but it's been said I chased this stuff down. And I can get with that. Empty is as empty does. Do you guys know what empty does? Empty has rough nights and dreads the mornings. Empty would rather be drunk and high than have to deal with her sober realities for one more minute. Empty holds on to vanity because it won't go anywhere unless she lets it. Empty used to cry, and Empty still cries; she will probably never escape the tears but she's already become vastly immune to much of the pain. And more than any of these, Empty no longer desires to be here.
I want to go back but I don't even know what got me here to begin with. I remember when I was chasing after Jesus (the right stuff), full speed fersure, and then suddenly I felt so abandoned and lost and I didn't wanna go to school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. And no matter how other things affected me, or how people and the circumstances they created for me got me down, or even through the mistakes I made by my own right, God never gave me peace. But I fought it all. I tried to pray through it and I tried not to throw away the things I'd thought to be true. I fought it all to the death of me, and that's just what I've ended up with: death.
My faith is terribly misplaced, if not just lost forever. And everyone who sees what's happened to me misunderstands this for hypocrisy. But that's not what this is at all. If you ask me what I think I'll tell you about Jesus and I'll mean it. Just because it wasn't true for me, that doesn't mean it won't be true for someone else. And I want it to be true for everyone because this is rough and I wouldn't ever want company in this kind of misery.
Thinking about what my babies would say if they knew the depths of this makes me sick. It's not okay for them to turn into me and I don't want them to disqualify everything I was in the past and everything I've told them to be and how to act. I know some grown ups that are probably having a heart attack behind this. I know a certain somebody that's having an especially hard time with this. And the details of our interactions mean that his hard times increase my own.
Someone told me I'm more angry and less tolerant. I can get with that, too. The anger is a product of my impatience but I guess I just got tired of waiting. You know? I'm holding my tongue for some people who already have wonderfully developed opinions of me and my character. But not even for my sake.
But that's not all I've been doing. I'll have to get back to you all later.
Everything I ever said I'd never do has made its way into my life. I say it like it's all been coincidental or even convenient, but it's been said I chased this stuff down. And I can get with that. Empty is as empty does. Do you guys know what empty does? Empty has rough nights and dreads the mornings. Empty would rather be drunk and high than have to deal with her sober realities for one more minute. Empty holds on to vanity because it won't go anywhere unless she lets it. Empty used to cry, and Empty still cries; she will probably never escape the tears but she's already become vastly immune to much of the pain. And more than any of these, Empty no longer desires to be here.
I want to go back but I don't even know what got me here to begin with. I remember when I was chasing after Jesus (the right stuff), full speed fersure, and then suddenly I felt so abandoned and lost and I didn't wanna go to school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. And no matter how other things affected me, or how people and the circumstances they created for me got me down, or even through the mistakes I made by my own right, God never gave me peace. But I fought it all. I tried to pray through it and I tried not to throw away the things I'd thought to be true. I fought it all to the death of me, and that's just what I've ended up with: death.
My faith is terribly misplaced, if not just lost forever. And everyone who sees what's happened to me misunderstands this for hypocrisy. But that's not what this is at all. If you ask me what I think I'll tell you about Jesus and I'll mean it. Just because it wasn't true for me, that doesn't mean it won't be true for someone else. And I want it to be true for everyone because this is rough and I wouldn't ever want company in this kind of misery.
Thinking about what my babies would say if they knew the depths of this makes me sick. It's not okay for them to turn into me and I don't want them to disqualify everything I was in the past and everything I've told them to be and how to act. I know some grown ups that are probably having a heart attack behind this. I know a certain somebody that's having an especially hard time with this. And the details of our interactions mean that his hard times increase my own.
Someone told me I'm more angry and less tolerant. I can get with that, too. The anger is a product of my impatience but I guess I just got tired of waiting. You know? I'm holding my tongue for some people who already have wonderfully developed opinions of me and my character. But not even for my sake.
But that's not all I've been doing. I'll have to get back to you all later.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
#thankful
Hey so it's Thanksgiving. What's with this holiday, though? Shouldn't we be thankful for our blessings more than one time a year? Right. But eating like an obese person is always fun. Swag. And like, why am I awake? Anyway...
I know I am such a Negative Nancy all the time and you'd think that on the one day we're supposed to reflect on the positives, I'd figure out how to be a Polly but noooo. Today, I am SO not thankful for being a girl. Not at all. I can't deal. But I'ma try to get off it; and PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, someone who's reading this, ask me about it.
This morning I'm really thankful for the God I serve. He doesn't have to be there for me, or keep any of His promises, but He always does. The consistency of my God is really important to me because not many people on this earth ever stay the same, and not even myself, not even when I want to be. His love is ever-present, and His grace and His mercy and His power. Serving a powerful God means a lot teo me because in all of my strength, I am still so weak. I could go on forever. Couldn't you? Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights. Oh, give thanks to the Lord; for He is good!
I'm thankful for waking up this morning. You know? For having another day to right my wrongs and find right-standing with God. It's definitely been a search for me these days; and perhaps I'm just negotiating with the devil, but sometimes my actions feel more justified than my inaction. Nonetheless, today is a beautiful day and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to live it. Some people weren't granted this day; have you considered that?
I've been blessed with the most wonderful friendships. I love those friends you've had since elementary school and middle school, and although the dynamics of those friendships vary throughout the years, you've still got them, and they've still got you. Jehwet, Jennifer, Ashley, Candace, Alice, Taylor, Taylor again: I love you guys. Jaggy, Jordan, Karen: I'm so blessed to have your friendship. Those friends we acquire in high school are so iffy it's almost sickening, but through all the questionables and all the hard times, I kept a few. Alicia, Emily, Alisha, Hector, Andres, Chris, Eman, Sheyla: I'm so thankful for you all. I love that friend that loves you more than anyone and knows you more than anyone and deals with more of your crap than anyone. I love that friend you haven't known as long as the others, but it feels like it's been forever anyway, and you know it also will be forever: best friends forever. I love that guy; his name is Matthew Argenbright.
This just in: I'M REALLY FREAKING THANKFUL FOR MY PARENTS. Holy crap, my mom just saved the day so hard. We fight sometimes, actually, we fight all the time. And it gets really hurtful, but omgsh I'm bout to cry because she just made me feel so good. She's helpful in times like this cuz I'm pretty sure I got my epic girlness from her anyway. AHH! And I'm thankful for my daddy. Fer some reason, we've been getting closer since college started. We tell each other "I love you" and I'm still not used to that but, I like it. And I love him <3 AHHH. Shoutout to my mom, though!
I'm so thankful for my church family. Grace Pointe, and the people I've come to love by going there. Chrystal Cole is such a mom, MY mom. She doesn't even have kids but I'm gonna be a mom like her. Eric Cole is such a dad. He's strict and stern but I know he'd fight a bear for me. I have some really cool aunts and uncles like Michelle and Jamee and David and Gabriel, and Bekah and Nicole. And then I got all these cute little brothers and sisters running around everywhere: Krystal, Lauren, Hannah, Karla, Magen, Elizabeth, Shelby, Lane, Zach, Kylie, and Shey. We're all just really cute because it runs in the family. And my babies are Amber, Connor, Jacob, Josh, and Jared. They're so precious. See how blessed I am, guys? So favored of God.
Some of the other things I'm thankful for include: my fabulous bed, Justin Bieber, my school, all this delicious food I smell, anddd Justin Bieber again.
But like, I have things to do and people to see, so I'm out! Happy Thanksgiving to you all. <3
I know I am such a Negative Nancy all the time and you'd think that on the one day we're supposed to reflect on the positives, I'd figure out how to be a Polly but noooo. Today, I am SO not thankful for being a girl. Not at all. I can't deal. But I'ma try to get off it; and PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, someone who's reading this, ask me about it.
This morning I'm really thankful for the God I serve. He doesn't have to be there for me, or keep any of His promises, but He always does. The consistency of my God is really important to me because not many people on this earth ever stay the same, and not even myself, not even when I want to be. His love is ever-present, and His grace and His mercy and His power. Serving a powerful God means a lot teo me because in all of my strength, I am still so weak. I could go on forever. Couldn't you? Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights. Oh, give thanks to the Lord; for He is good!
I'm thankful for waking up this morning. You know? For having another day to right my wrongs and find right-standing with God. It's definitely been a search for me these days; and perhaps I'm just negotiating with the devil, but sometimes my actions feel more justified than my inaction. Nonetheless, today is a beautiful day and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to live it. Some people weren't granted this day; have you considered that?
I've been blessed with the most wonderful friendships. I love those friends you've had since elementary school and middle school, and although the dynamics of those friendships vary throughout the years, you've still got them, and they've still got you. Jehwet, Jennifer, Ashley, Candace, Alice, Taylor, Taylor again: I love you guys. Jaggy, Jordan, Karen: I'm so blessed to have your friendship. Those friends we acquire in high school are so iffy it's almost sickening, but through all the questionables and all the hard times, I kept a few. Alicia, Emily, Alisha, Hector, Andres, Chris, Eman, Sheyla: I'm so thankful for you all. I love that friend that loves you more than anyone and knows you more than anyone and deals with more of your crap than anyone. I love that friend you haven't known as long as the others, but it feels like it's been forever anyway, and you know it also will be forever: best friends forever. I love that guy; his name is Matthew Argenbright.
This just in: I'M REALLY FREAKING THANKFUL FOR MY PARENTS. Holy crap, my mom just saved the day so hard. We fight sometimes, actually, we fight all the time. And it gets really hurtful, but omgsh I'm bout to cry because she just made me feel so good. She's helpful in times like this cuz I'm pretty sure I got my epic girlness from her anyway. AHH! And I'm thankful for my daddy. Fer some reason, we've been getting closer since college started. We tell each other "I love you" and I'm still not used to that but, I like it. And I love him <3 AHHH. Shoutout to my mom, though!
I'm so thankful for my church family. Grace Pointe, and the people I've come to love by going there. Chrystal Cole is such a mom, MY mom. She doesn't even have kids but I'm gonna be a mom like her. Eric Cole is such a dad. He's strict and stern but I know he'd fight a bear for me. I have some really cool aunts and uncles like Michelle and Jamee and David and Gabriel, and Bekah and Nicole. And then I got all these cute little brothers and sisters running around everywhere: Krystal, Lauren, Hannah, Karla, Magen, Elizabeth, Shelby, Lane, Zach, Kylie, and Shey. We're all just really cute because it runs in the family. And my babies are Amber, Connor, Jacob, Josh, and Jared. They're so precious. See how blessed I am, guys? So favored of God.
Some of the other things I'm thankful for include: my fabulous bed, Justin Bieber, my school, all this delicious food I smell, anddd Justin Bieber again.
But like, I have things to do and people to see, so I'm out! Happy Thanksgiving to you all. <3
Sunday, November 13, 2011
#imissyou
Justin Bieber is blasting through my house as we speak.
So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.
But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.
And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.
My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.
And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:
Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.
So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.
But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.
And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.
My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.
And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:
Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.
Monday, November 7, 2011
#ilovemybff
I went to church yesterday! My church! It was only the second time since I ran away. It's good to be back. I love those people. And now that I feel like I'm there by choice and not by habit, I feel independently accountable to God and perhaps not so condemned by people. Gahhh, I have SUCH a people-complex.
I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)
After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?
Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):
Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!
My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.
What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.
This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.
I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P
I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)
After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?
Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):
Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!
My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.
What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.
This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.
I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P
Monday, October 17, 2011
#hurricane
Some things are just really hurtful. I'm going to try to be as indirect as possible, but I think you all know my heart by now.
Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.
The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.
So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.
Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.
But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...
To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.
Peace be multiplied to you all.
Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.
The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.
So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.
Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.
But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...
To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.
Peace be multiplied to you all.
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