#hurricane

Some things are just really hurtful. I'm going to try to be as indirect as possible, but I think you all know my heart by now.

Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.

The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.

So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.

Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.

But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...

To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.

Peace be multiplied to you all.