Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Once Upon A Time

Acadec Speech:

I can remember a time in my life when the future was uncertain, and happiness was only something that happened to other people. I didn't know where I was going to be ten years from now; I didn't know who or what I wanted to be, and sometimes I thought it made more sense to not be at all. Such a broken state of mind effected every aspect of my life. Socially, I was distant from my peers, and high school experiences became less and less of a priority. I was past the point of smiling for everyone else, when no one cared to cry for me. Academically, I put forth minimal effort, and the little work I did do was an ill-constructed pacifier for my parents. I disregarded any reasoning behind the tedious studying and infinitely numerous assignments. Emotionally, I was numb. Continuously feeling unloved, and unsuccessful, and like I would never have a place in this world had stopped hurting. I knew the meaning of “rock-bottom”, and as far as I was concerned, there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I knew there was a God, and although I'd given up on Him, the hope that He would somehow make my life into something beautiful never left the back of my mind. Midway through my sophomore year, I heard news that one of my favorite bands was going to be performing at Winterfest, a three day christian conference, and that I could go with my friend and her youth group. I thought it would serve as a mini-vacation from everything I hated, and decided I should go, even if only for the music. The band performed on a Friday, the first day, and I thought that's where my enthusiastic participation would end, but God had something different in store for me.

The next night's sermon captivated my attention and spoke directly to my heart. I was horribly dismantled and nothing I'd tried in the past could keep me together, but the pastor offered me a new hope; he offered me the never-failing love of God. There was an altar call and every emotion I'd locked away for the past two years came rushing back to me all within thirty seconds. My heart started to beat slow and heavy, and I found myself making my way to the front of the stage. I closed my eyes, and let it all out: the anger, the hurt, the disappointment. The tears swelled from the bottom of my stomach, and although I couldn't say anything, I knew He'd understood. By the time I'd finished crying, I could feel the arms of God holding me, letting me know He is already taking care of it, and that He has a plan.

The Lord works in the most mysterious ways. I wasn't looking for Him, but He certainly found me. I came home that next day and my peers hadn't changed, and my grades hadn't changed, and I still had more than enough reasons to be upset and sink back into that same state of mind; but something in me was different. I felt loved, and that I could be someone, and that God had a specific purpose for my life. In other words, I have never been the same.

That was almost two years ago. The first year of my walk with God was like a breathe of fresh air. I began regularly attending Freestyle51, the name of my friend's youth group. I got baptized the summer following my encounter with God, and after that, there seemed to be no stopping me. My grades picked up during junior year (as much as my less than developed work ethic would allow), and such a peace had overcome my spirit. Me and my mothers relationship was at a stand-still, but the void I needed her to fill, was overflown by God's grace. Serving Him was easy because the newness of what He did for me replayed in my heart every morning.

Now, things aren't so easy, and I'm down on my faith a lot. Living in His image gets harder everyday, because everyone around me is so against what I stand for. It seems like the closer I try to get to Him, the more far away He feels. Things happen that I don't understand. I'm finding myself slip back into my old habits, and old voids are reappearing. I don't know what will become of God and I, but I guess... “He makes all things work together for our good.”

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You guys don't even wanna know how I really feel about the situation. We'll talk about that later.

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