Bro, my life has been on absolute crack this past week. I wish I were kidding.
Last Wednesday I was so hype for church because I knew the song list was like extra powerful. And then I get there and people didn't show up and the song list was altered and I was devastated. More like freaking angry. I can't for the life of me understand why some people don't get as excited to minister as I do. Ridiculous. So basically I really almost ran away and went to big church, because I was that upset! The only thing that brought me back to reality was that one of the younger ones, Chelsie, ran up to me and said, "Church is about to start, Crystal! Where are you going?" True story.
Duh, I'm glad I stayed. Service was powerful regardless. Andddddd, I'd like to announce that my wife is back for the summer. :DDD
Senior breakfast and awards on Friday was like extra good and sweet, and I'm kind of surprised about that. The breakfast was alright, but the company was even greater. Chris, Candace, and Jehwet made that a good time fersure. Not to mention how cute my dress was :) It's like winding down, guys. My time in high school is about to be up, and I seemed to have been reminded of that at senior breakfast.
Awards was fun because Meg and I were harassing Chris the whole time. BAHAHAHA. We were tickling him, and he grabbed my hand in a fit of anger and like, stared at it for a second, and then slammed it into the chair in front of me. It hurt, but at the same time, I was about to die laughing. Anddd to top it all off, I got a certificate for Acadec, a medal for "Who's Who" in family and counseling sciences, anddd a plaque for being a National Achievement semi-finalist. That medal is the cutest thing ever. It's a Macarthur, TX logo :3
After awards, me, Chelsea, and Jehwet dipped out and went to eat at Cheddar's with Chelsea's mom and Candace's mom. Candace wasn't cool enough to come with us. That dork. Mannnnn, I'm so glad I got to spend that time with Chelsea. I hadn't talked to her since like middle school, and let's just say I've fersure been missing out! :D
Prom was on Saturday! THIS ONE BOY, was extra fine. And it didn't help that I've been in love with him since like sixth grade. I'ma leave it at that though. Theo also looked pretty darn gorgeous if I do say so myself. I had such a nice time. Me and my friends looked simply beautiful, and we got our jigg on. What more can a senior ask for? I felt like a princess, realtalk. After prom wasn't that exciting but it's okay. Sheyla won a Kindle. Swag :D
I got home from After Prom around 5:30 and accidentally dozed off. I meant to stay up so that I wouldn't be so dead when it came time to move around. It's kay though. God woke me up right on time. Gosh I was tired. Bible study was good <3 I don't know what happened during worship but my spirit completely freaked out. I was worshiping like normal, and then "Hosanna" came on and RIGHT when the chorus hit I started crying uncontrollably. Weird right? I looked up the literal translation for hosanna, and it means "Save us now." Yup, still don't have any clue what that was about but I'm sure God thought it was beautiful.
Blahh. We had outreach after service and I soo wasn't feeling it because I was cranky. I saw that some of the other youth like Alisha and Connor were really into it though, and that made me happy.
Wanna know something funny? I woke up on time fer school yesterday and decided to stay home instead xD I needed that though. And I got my spanish project done. It's cute.
Bruhh. Last night I died and came back to life... or something. My two most valued female friends are having boy troubles. And talking to them about their struggles took me right back to mine. I really felt hopeless last night, and like God had forsaken me. Just like the old days, ha. Now that I'm feeling better, I realize God let me feel that again because I was starting to forget all that I'd learned about pain and the human heart. It was evident in the way I'd responded to one of my friend's poor methods at dealing with the hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night, but I don't think it was for me.
Maybe it was for the whole world. Yes, I like a boy. Yes, I think about a boy. No, that boy does not like me. No, that boy doesn't think about me. But you know what? I got SO much other stuff to be worried about-- things that actually matter! And I just wanna see God's face.
This morning I was still suck on sad, but then half way through the day I remembered that I'm too blessed to care. I care about what God's working through all these storms, I just don't care that the storms must come. You feel me?
I had some interesting conversations with Jehwet, Kimbra (I love her), and Candace today. BLOOP. I'm already super excited fer church tomorrow, but I'ma stop because this is clearly the longest blog ever.
My God is GOOD. Shout it out! :D
May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Friday, May 13, 2011
#hellofear
Kirk Franklin has a new CD, right? The chorus of the first song says:
Never again will I love you. My heart, it refuses to be your home. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: apart from you is where I belong. Never again will I trust you. I'm tired of fighting, it's been way too long. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: who I was then now is gone.
You know who he's talkin' to? Fear. I've lived in so much fear in the past. Fear of getting hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of what other people will say. But no more. If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Goodbye fear, hello grace.
Just when you think you're on top of things, God reveals a little bit more of His light. And then for a quick second, you're blind and just freakin' out. I don't know how to describe the light this time, but it makes me hurt for other people when I ought to be sleep and enjoying the rarely acquired peace I've managed to create for myself. To be honest, I'm probably still freaking out. All of this depression, oppression, hopelessness, emptiness, I've been seeing makes me angry. If only they knew how much Jesus loved them, and that there is healing, and that there is forgiveness.
As of late, I've been taking God so seriously. This isn't a game of who can walk the line between life and death and still see His face. This isn't a competition of who can do the least in order to inherit the most. This is it. This is all that matters. This is God and all His glory. What's even left after that? So I've really been questioning my future. Deep down inside I want God to call me into full time ministry just when I'm about to start the plans I've made for myself. But that's... well, crazy. What's even crazier is that other people tell me it's not quite as crazy as I'd like it to be.
Prom is next weekend. I'm really not as enthusiastic about this as I thought I would be. I haven't gotten my dress yet, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think so, though. My priorities have changed drastically.
AP tests are over; shout to the Lord!
I ordered Radical, Knowledge of the Holy, and Forgotten God earlier this week, and they should be here TOMORROW. They better be, because I've waited long enough. Ahhh! :D Suddenly, I can't get enough of reading. And suddenly, I can't get enough of Him, either.
I can't wait for bible study on Sunday. We're gonna start in on Revelations, and I don't have any clue, but I'm lookin' to find one! I love Chrystal Cole.
Today I got a Hawk Nelson CD, the second Francesca Battistelli CD, and the JB DVD.
Ugh, I'll be out all day looking for a stupid prom dress.
This is getting repetitive, but I can't say it enough: God is so good.
Never again will I love you. My heart, it refuses to be your home. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: apart from you is where I belong. Never again will I trust you. I'm tired of fighting, it's been way too long. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: who I was then now is gone.
You know who he's talkin' to? Fear. I've lived in so much fear in the past. Fear of getting hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of what other people will say. But no more. If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Goodbye fear, hello grace.
Just when you think you're on top of things, God reveals a little bit more of His light. And then for a quick second, you're blind and just freakin' out. I don't know how to describe the light this time, but it makes me hurt for other people when I ought to be sleep and enjoying the rarely acquired peace I've managed to create for myself. To be honest, I'm probably still freaking out. All of this depression, oppression, hopelessness, emptiness, I've been seeing makes me angry. If only they knew how much Jesus loved them, and that there is healing, and that there is forgiveness.
As of late, I've been taking God so seriously. This isn't a game of who can walk the line between life and death and still see His face. This isn't a competition of who can do the least in order to inherit the most. This is it. This is all that matters. This is God and all His glory. What's even left after that? So I've really been questioning my future. Deep down inside I want God to call me into full time ministry just when I'm about to start the plans I've made for myself. But that's... well, crazy. What's even crazier is that other people tell me it's not quite as crazy as I'd like it to be.
Prom is next weekend. I'm really not as enthusiastic about this as I thought I would be. I haven't gotten my dress yet, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think so, though. My priorities have changed drastically.
AP tests are over; shout to the Lord!
I ordered Radical, Knowledge of the Holy, and Forgotten God earlier this week, and they should be here TOMORROW. They better be, because I've waited long enough. Ahhh! :D Suddenly, I can't get enough of reading. And suddenly, I can't get enough of Him, either.
I can't wait for bible study on Sunday. We're gonna start in on Revelations, and I don't have any clue, but I'm lookin' to find one! I love Chrystal Cole.
Today I got a Hawk Nelson CD, the second Francesca Battistelli CD, and the JB DVD.
Ugh, I'll be out all day looking for a stupid prom dress.
This is getting repetitive, but I can't say it enough: God is so good.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
#candid
How to say the things you wished you'd never even have to think about.
I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.
Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?
So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.
Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.
I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.
Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.
You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:
Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.
So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.
I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.
Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?
So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.
Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.
I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.
Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.
You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:
Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.
So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.
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