#candid

How to say the things you wished you'd never even have to think about.

I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.

Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?

So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.

Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.

I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.

Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.

You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:

Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.

So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.