The past two weeks counting down to college have been rough. Like, I can remember myself at orientation being so excited for my college swag to be on full attack. I wanted to meet new people and I wanted to get a fresh start academically. I wanted to get out of my house, that was fersure. But as move in day got closer, my enthusiasm turned almost into dread. I can't even completely say what made me that way. I knew I was bummed about my financial situation, but the Lord always makes a way. His will, His bill, right? And I know this. Having to grow up always SUCKS, but should be an adventure, not a chore. I didn't stay for the freshman welcome activities, and I cried my face off (and reaaally wanted to break stuff) yesterday when I had to move in for good.
But you know what? I was being so far. I don't really care about meeting people like I probably should, but today was the best day ever!
I woke up this morning and got ready for Chapel. Alicia was being ridiculous and making me help her move stuff in the room. I started my day with an extra big smile after hearing from my favorite person in the world. I love when that happens. Chapel was hittin'. They did Our God and Forever Reign during worship! They also did an old hymn but it was really beautiful. The speaker was different, but he brought some good word about what "storms" in our lives we need to look to Jesus for. I only had one class (computer science) today, but it was with Karla! Haha, that professor is so precious. He's a little Asian man, with the sweetest demeanor, and the cutest accent. Anddd he spent half of class giving us his testimony. Loved it.
I was done for the day at 12. Alicia was trapped till two, so we decided we'd go eat lunch when she got out of class. So we go down there, right, and the saddest thing evar happens. We tug on the door only to find that the cafeteria had JUST closed. So we came back to the room with very sad faces and really hungry tummies. After fixing the TV all by myself, (-pops collar-) I tried to put it on food network, and Alicia goes, "WE ARE NOT FINNA BE WATCHING NO FOOD NETWORK WHEN WE HAVEN'T EVEN ATE." I so had a giggle fest. What was I thinking? xD
Count on us to make up for our hunger some way, though. They had a back to school thing in the quad and the ONLY reason me and Alicia came out of the air conditioning was because they were giving away free Chick Fil A sandwiches and tea. LOL. But so we just came back from dinner and OMGSH, delicious. I ate everything. They had everything. Pork chops, whaaaat? And omgsh. They are so fancy... as they should be with all this money I'm paying. But I'm so full, I don't even know how I'm not sleep.
This dorm is awful, but so wonderful :D Like it has two extra tiny beds, two pretty large desks, a dresser, a sink, and a very spacious closet. These beds are super high. Watching Alicia's short self jump up there is PURE comedy. We have a tv and an iHome, and the fridge is on the way. The bathroom is right across our room though, so thaaaat's good. I super love my roommate and we're gonna have the best time evar this year.
A few emotional side notes: My head is really screwy. It's rebelling hardcore and I don't even know what to do anymore. The more good I try to pour into it, the more bad that comes out of it. My heart is really screwy too, and I'd honestly rather have it ripped out. I hate those awkward moments where you try to give away what is near and dear to you, that it might not be taken again. Not this time. But I'm not quite to the point of "leave, before you get left behind", so maybe there's hope? *cues Danity Kane* "MY HEART IS DAMAGED, DAMAGED, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOWWWW" xO
I'll prolly cue some Mayday instead though, realtalk.
So like I haven't talked to my mom today, and I'm prolly not gonna, but I'd really enjoy the start of a healthy relationship with her. I don't wanna just be done, I want things to be better. But how long have I wanted that? Right.
I'ma be in class like all day tomorrow. And I have to get up early. But it's gonna be fun. I love college. I love Jesus, too. Sometimes I feel like that gets lost in all the other things I'm loving. That's not gonna be good. I'ma stop talking now. Dear baby Jesus.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
#ouchie
(Lol, hi, good morning! I totally wrote this last night, but the internet was acting dumb, so... yea!)
Everyone give it up for the one and only Satan! Stealing the show every time! Alright, I'm being super sarcastic, but I must give credit where credit is due. And boy is it due.
Bro I am in so much pain. Let's break this down. MY BODY HURTS. Never again will I for an extended period of time proceed to front like I am 'bout that life and have any type of muscle mass. NEVER AGAIN. Next time I'm sure I'll just cut to the chase (; This is going on day two, by the way. If there's a day three... D:
My spirit hurts too. Ouchie. It probably has been for a while, but this is just the icing on the freaking cake. Not that the cake wasn't already big enough. Lemme be as vague as possible. Ever since I was a baby Christian, I've been taught to follow the word of God to the best of my ability. And I think I've done that. And I've wanted to do that. But now that I'm not a baby Christian anymore, it's getting hard out here for a pimp. I have a fun analogy for you guys. I wanna kill someone because I hate them so much and really that's the only way I see justice being served. I've never been a violent person, but suddenly I am consumed with violence. I know the bible says that vengeance is His, but quite frankly I'm tired of waiting. I feel so justified in committing such an evil act, but I know exactly what the scripture says. What's worse is that, the victim doesn't wanna be alive anyway.
I still have a spirit, because I know better. I don't exactly have a soul anymore though, because I don't think I care to do better. Sometimes it just feels better to give in. One more time, a big round of applause for Lucifer. And then I got all types of cute small children boosting me up like they have any clue. "You have such a calling on your life! You're my mentor! I know you're hand in hand with God!" Please don't even mention my duties as a music minister every Wednesday night. Talk about corruption, huh? I really feel like if God loved me, He'd just take me now while I'm still halfway serving Him. Dx
BUT LIKE-- I'm not mad at Him. I still try to jam His music and focus during worship. Lol, this is far.
My heart isn't in the best condition, either. Have you ever cared for someone so deeply that their struggles, no matter how big or small... kind of, become yours too? Like you know there's nothing you can do directly to make it go away, but gosh, you'll never stop trying. That probably goes both ways, so I guess the first thing I can do to make something better is pretend I'm okay, ha. I miss being genuinely happy. I miss when my mommy was my friend; because I promise one day she is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and she is going to get fired up, dirty. I wish I was even somewhat excited about Sizzle Retreat on Friday, or move-in day for college next Wednesday.
Ahh... Sizzle Retreat on Friday... with all the children who think too highly of me. With Sharon... who knows all your secrets before she even knows your name. With the sun... which will have me going to college looking like an African. Umm... yea. I'm excited!
Lol, I've been in my bed all day, lovesick, like that's supposed to be okay or something. But I don't even wanna get better... and that's really not supposed to be okay. Eff these feelings, though. I'm too real to be getting tangled up again.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy really is a great piece of musical art, in all it's secular deliciousness. "This'll be a beautiful death, jumpin' out the window, lettin' everything go..."
I swear these blogs are getting repetitive. Same crap, different day. Hot mess. Whatever. I'm out.
Everyone give it up for the one and only Satan! Stealing the show every time! Alright, I'm being super sarcastic, but I must give credit where credit is due. And boy is it due.
Bro I am in so much pain. Let's break this down. MY BODY HURTS. Never again will I for an extended period of time proceed to front like I am 'bout that life and have any type of muscle mass. NEVER AGAIN. Next time I'm sure I'll just cut to the chase (; This is going on day two, by the way. If there's a day three... D:
My spirit hurts too. Ouchie. It probably has been for a while, but this is just the icing on the freaking cake. Not that the cake wasn't already big enough. Lemme be as vague as possible. Ever since I was a baby Christian, I've been taught to follow the word of God to the best of my ability. And I think I've done that. And I've wanted to do that. But now that I'm not a baby Christian anymore, it's getting hard out here for a pimp. I have a fun analogy for you guys. I wanna kill someone because I hate them so much and really that's the only way I see justice being served. I've never been a violent person, but suddenly I am consumed with violence. I know the bible says that vengeance is His, but quite frankly I'm tired of waiting. I feel so justified in committing such an evil act, but I know exactly what the scripture says. What's worse is that, the victim doesn't wanna be alive anyway.
I still have a spirit, because I know better. I don't exactly have a soul anymore though, because I don't think I care to do better. Sometimes it just feels better to give in. One more time, a big round of applause for Lucifer. And then I got all types of cute small children boosting me up like they have any clue. "You have such a calling on your life! You're my mentor! I know you're hand in hand with God!" Please don't even mention my duties as a music minister every Wednesday night. Talk about corruption, huh? I really feel like if God loved me, He'd just take me now while I'm still halfway serving Him. Dx
BUT LIKE-- I'm not mad at Him. I still try to jam His music and focus during worship. Lol, this is far.
My heart isn't in the best condition, either. Have you ever cared for someone so deeply that their struggles, no matter how big or small... kind of, become yours too? Like you know there's nothing you can do directly to make it go away, but gosh, you'll never stop trying. That probably goes both ways, so I guess the first thing I can do to make something better is pretend I'm okay, ha. I miss being genuinely happy. I miss when my mommy was my friend; because I promise one day she is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and she is going to get fired up, dirty. I wish I was even somewhat excited about Sizzle Retreat on Friday, or move-in day for college next Wednesday.
Ahh... Sizzle Retreat on Friday... with all the children who think too highly of me. With Sharon... who knows all your secrets before she even knows your name. With the sun... which will have me going to college looking like an African. Umm... yea. I'm excited!
Lol, I've been in my bed all day, lovesick, like that's supposed to be okay or something. But I don't even wanna get better... and that's really not supposed to be okay. Eff these feelings, though. I'm too real to be getting tangled up again.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy really is a great piece of musical art, in all it's secular deliciousness. "This'll be a beautiful death, jumpin' out the window, lettin' everything go..."
I swear these blogs are getting repetitive. Same crap, different day. Hot mess. Whatever. I'm out.
Friday, August 5, 2011
#deuces
Living has been exceedingly far, to say the least.
There comes a time in life when you realize that all the bull is for the birds. And then there's another more epic time when you realize that most of these characters floating around here aren't anything but vultures. Shortly thereafter, there is a most liberating time when you throw your deuces up, move on to something better, stop tryna make it work, and say bye-bye. And it's like, you know they're gonna be mad, but so what? Wish them best of luck, but now it's time to throw them deuces up.
Oh, Chris Brown, why are you so real?
Yesterday a grown person that I trust very much supported my reconstruction project. Who wants to really guard their heart more than they can give it away? Not me. Do you know how much love I have inside my cute little self? I wish I could just love freely, without caution, and there be no consequence. But that's not how this works. And I'm out of excuses. Cuz when you tell the truth, I guess there aren't any left to make, lol. Sigh, so back to hiding it is... Err, assuming I can remember the place where no one ever found me.
I hate when small children are hurting about and affected by things that are far beyond their control. xl
Jesus Christ of Nazarene, Son of Man, Lamb of God, Savior who died and rose again on the thrid day: where You at, Bro? Like I'm not mad at Him by any means. I'm learning to accept the fact that life sucks and then you die and there's not too much you can do to make it stop if God lets such dysfunction slip through His hands and all over your life. I worship at church full-heartedly for the God I've known Him to be in these past two years. I try to sing His praises..? I try to read His word..? I try to talk to Him..? I just haven't seen His face in a good minute, and I probably miss it more than I can even explain.
SO MUCH STUFF IS NEITHER RIGHT, NOR PROPER IN THIS TRIFLING WORLD! xO
Someone with less power should have more of my trust. That sounds really intelligent. Dang, that sounds so intelligent. So shout out to Miles Brown for being that guy (: Half the time he doesn't even know what I'm talking (screaming) about, but he always listens. He's still short though :P Thank you.
But omgsh, on Tuesday, Candace and Jehwet spent the night. xD I love them, and we always have such a good time together. I mean, how we decided to create that good time is a different story, bahahaha. Between the score-heavy TV commentary, the prank calls (yea we're 18, get at us), and the singing like the professional triplet we are (-does the dougie-), I don't know where I'm gonna find friends like them at. ): I'm tripping though, cuz I know they're not going anywhere. Thinking about them makes me way less bothered about other less stable interpersonal situations. <3
I miss Kimbra :l I also miss Chrystal and Eric, because not seeing them twice a week doesn't even sound right. My mood is elevated because I made a child smile, who I know had to be just about ready to throw up. Yayy me. I'm my favorite person today, ionoevencurr.
I kinda hope God grants me rest today. Like... all day. I just wanna sleep, man! And it's not like I don't deserve it, given the new AWESOME sleeping pattern I've developed. Like, I don't even wanna deal with stuff today.
Blah.
There comes a time in life when you realize that all the bull is for the birds. And then there's another more epic time when you realize that most of these characters floating around here aren't anything but vultures. Shortly thereafter, there is a most liberating time when you throw your deuces up, move on to something better, stop tryna make it work, and say bye-bye. And it's like, you know they're gonna be mad, but so what? Wish them best of luck, but now it's time to throw them deuces up.
Oh, Chris Brown, why are you so real?
Yesterday a grown person that I trust very much supported my reconstruction project. Who wants to really guard their heart more than they can give it away? Not me. Do you know how much love I have inside my cute little self? I wish I could just love freely, without caution, and there be no consequence. But that's not how this works. And I'm out of excuses. Cuz when you tell the truth, I guess there aren't any left to make, lol. Sigh, so back to hiding it is... Err, assuming I can remember the place where no one ever found me.
I hate when small children are hurting about and affected by things that are far beyond their control. xl
Jesus Christ of Nazarene, Son of Man, Lamb of God, Savior who died and rose again on the thrid day: where You at, Bro? Like I'm not mad at Him by any means. I'm learning to accept the fact that life sucks and then you die and there's not too much you can do to make it stop if God lets such dysfunction slip through His hands and all over your life. I worship at church full-heartedly for the God I've known Him to be in these past two years. I try to sing His praises..? I try to read His word..? I try to talk to Him..? I just haven't seen His face in a good minute, and I probably miss it more than I can even explain.
SO MUCH STUFF IS NEITHER RIGHT, NOR PROPER IN THIS TRIFLING WORLD! xO
Someone with less power should have more of my trust. That sounds really intelligent. Dang, that sounds so intelligent. So shout out to Miles Brown for being that guy (: Half the time he doesn't even know what I'm talking (screaming) about, but he always listens. He's still short though :P Thank you.
But omgsh, on Tuesday, Candace and Jehwet spent the night. xD I love them, and we always have such a good time together. I mean, how we decided to create that good time is a different story, bahahaha. Between the score-heavy TV commentary, the prank calls (yea we're 18, get at us), and the singing like the professional triplet we are (-does the dougie-), I don't know where I'm gonna find friends like them at. ): I'm tripping though, cuz I know they're not going anywhere. Thinking about them makes me way less bothered about other less stable interpersonal situations. <3
I miss Kimbra :l I also miss Chrystal and Eric, because not seeing them twice a week doesn't even sound right. My mood is elevated because I made a child smile, who I know had to be just about ready to throw up. Yayy me. I'm my favorite person today, ionoevencurr.
I kinda hope God grants me rest today. Like... all day. I just wanna sleep, man! And it's not like I don't deserve it, given the new AWESOME sleeping pattern I've developed. Like, I don't even wanna deal with stuff today.
Blah.
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