#up

Bro. How good is the God we serve? Words can't even begin to describe His majesty.

Last Thursday was pretty rough. As much as I've grown in my walk with God, and just as young adult, I still have so many questions. There are all these questions and no one has any of the answers; I certainly don't have them. But I feel like I'm supposed to have them, because they are relatively important to me. And so I felt bad about myself. I cried all day at school, and my self esteem was just in the ground. I felt like I was disappointing the person I was meant to be. I felt so much less of the person I thought I was becoming. In fact, I felt like a bad person.

And then on Sunday the "Revelation Song" came on, and I really did have a revelation. "Jesus, Your name is power, breath, and living water: such a marvelous mystery." I'm about to get all emotional telling you guys how God moved during that song, ha. The name of Jesus is power. And although my knowledge (or lack there of) is often times inadequate, it's okay, because in Jesus, I have everything I'll ever need. His ways are mysterious, yet marvelous indeed. I'm not complaining. I'm mostly rejoicing.

School is such a drag. I'm just here, and I'm not even sure why.

Last weekend I went to The Mission exposure thingy with Alisha. I had such a blast. On Friday there was a sermon preached by my new friend Joseph Leisey, and he BROUGHT the word. He's so cute, and anointed and just... chill. Too bad he's 25, giggle. We played ultimate football and I so hate sweating, but that was amazingly fun. On Saturday we got to participate in their Riverside ministry, where we played with the kids in the park and then put on a skit for them about loving your neighbor as yourself. We had a bonfire in Pastor Charlie's backyard, and chilled a little bit, and then had worship. Then me, Magen, April, and Alisha went back to the new Mission House and played Just Dance.

Pastor Charlie's children are so precious. He has a beautiful family, and that's just what he deserves (:

I met so many great people there. April and I had a much needed heart to heart. You can already guess what about, lol. She used a certain term to describe my situation and... it's far, so we won't talk about that. xD I knew how in love I am with my wife, but getting to spend all the time with her REALLY helped me know I picked the right one. I started missing her like... one hour after we left.

There's something enchanting about being submerged in God's work 24/7. This is something best experienced, and not explained.

Teen Talent is this weekend. I'm actually really excited about this. I get to see everyone from the Mission again, and I get to chill with the band for an entire day. Worship last night was awesome, if I do say so myself. I'm so proud of everyone, and how they're allowing things to happen as they may. Krystal, Kendra, Bree, Ander, Nissa... man, they make my heart so warm.

As much as I've complained about God never talking to me, I SURE am hardheaded now that I can hear clearly. That's gotta stop. It's not just affecting me anymore /:

Things are looking up for me. And "we'll take it to the sky, past the moon, through the galaxy." You know how I know? Cuz God is leading it all the way <3

#neversaynever

I came home from church on Wednesday crying my everlovin' face off. You'll never guess why. I thought I saw someone sparkle. You know, that thing you see in someone when you want more than a friendship? But as of now, we barely even have a friendship, so what.the.heck. I'm not sure why I'm being coy about this; you all know who I'm talking about. :P

Don't worry guys, it's not what I thought. It was just an epic case of, "I miss my friend." And I do-- so badly. I've never been as close to anyone as I let myself get with him. At the time, it was slightly devastating to think that someone knew 95 percent of who I am, but now I miss it.

I tried to talk myself out of wanting him in my life. Oh, I tried. "He has a new girlfriend and he's confiding in her now. What does he need me for?" And for a while I let Satan convince me that everything he said to me and every time he looked at me was so condescending. We won't go into detail on that, because I'm ashamed to say I almost believed it. I know so much better, and that's not his character at all.

It's terrible that when he was reaching out to me, I was too busy telling myself it was pretend, and now that I'm reaching out to him, the response I feel would be most appropriate isn't there. It's not either of our faults, but it does heavily suck... for me, at least.

You know, the back of the birthday card I made him says, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." Before everything got all messy, that was so it. He knew me well enough to know when I wasn't being myself. That's hard to find, guys. Now that that I'm trying to unscramble everything, it's more like: he's a part of my freaking song. And how could he not be? The trials we put ourselves through have turned me into an outstanding young citizen, if I do say so myself. So if my life is a symphony, I have my Director (because He will never leave), but where the FREAK is my first chair violin?!

I wish there were something I could say to undo whatever got us here. I wish there was a way to make him see it from where I'm standing. The only way I stopped crying on Wednesday, was because I made him talk to me.

We're just gonna go ahead and be completely honest here. I still think about "what if" sometimes. What if we loved again and got it right this time? Because that kidd had my heart. The only difference is, knowing those daydreams won't ever materialize doesn't make me cry, lol. It doesn't even make me a little bit sad. I can't give you a straight answer about why my thoughts still go there, though.

I don't know if it's okay for me to say this, but I feel like some things with him aren't right, and I think I could help them get right. I wish that were my responsibility.

Everything is going to be okay though: with him and with me, even if those two happenings aren't ever again related. You know why? Because there is an all-powerful God who loves us unconditionally and wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't cry my face off coming home from church today, so it's definitely a start :P

I wish I knew we'd come around and get back to the way we used to be sometime in the near future. I'm more than suffice knowing that my life is in His hands, but it's like JB says, "neversaynever", and my hopes are high. (:

#meetinthemiddle

I used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, and how we met, and how the sparks flew instantly. And people would say they're the lucky ones. I used to know my place was the spot next to you; now I'm searching the room for an empty seat, cause lately I don't even know what page you're on. Oh, a simple complication-- miscommunications lead to a fallout. So many things that I wish you knew. So many walls up, I can't break through. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room, and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know: is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. Next chapter. How did we end up this way? See me nervously pulling at my clothes and trying to look busy. And you're doing your best to avoid me. I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us: How I was losing my mind when I saw you here, but you held your pride like you should have held me. Oh, I'm scared to see the ending. Why are we pretending this is nothing? I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how. I've never heard silence quite this loud. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room, and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know: is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. This is looking like a contest of who can act like they care less, but I liked it better when you were on my side. The battle's in your hands now, but I would lay my armor down if you said you'd rather love than fight. So many things that you wish I knew, but the story of us might be ending soon. Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room, and we're not speaking. And I'm dying to know: is it killing you like it's killing me? And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, when it all broke down. And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now. The end. - Taylor Swift

That's so how I feel-- kinda. It's complicated. I don't want him back, and he doesn't sparkle like he used to. His girlfriend doesn't make me jealous, and I don't have flashbacks of what used to be when I see him. I'm over him-- I promise I am. Just sometimes, the memories take me back. Not even the memories of "us". The greater memories before "us", and how "us" stopped them in their tracks.

I hadn't seen him in forever, and I was digging it. It didn't matter how I felt if I didn't have to see or talk to him. But now I do. I never acknowledge him first, but when he acknowledges me, I don't blow him off. And as much as I'd rather not talk to him, I'm never fake when I do. But none of that is me. It's totally God. Because let me tell you, I am not that strong, nor am I that sweet, ha. So I wonder what he means when he talks to me. And where was whatever he means now, when he was kicking me while I was already down and disregarding my birthday? I'm not mad, juuuust sayin'.

I say I don't even wanna be friends now, because that ship is way past sailed, but I totally caught myself crying the other day when I was listening to a JB song. "And it's up to you, and it's up to me to meet in the middle, on our way back down to earth." Wouldn't it be great if somehow on the way down back to reality from all this hot aired drama, we could get back to our friendship? But what are the chances of that, really? As far as I can tell, zero. Because nothing is changing. And a lot is going to need to change for us to be friendly again.

I'm kinda understanding how God wants me to handle this. I'm going to be there for him if he should evar need me, but I am in no way shape or form going to expect or ask him to be there for me. Because that ship has also sailed. I'm also understanding that it's right and proper for me to still need help with this (even after all this time). And the golden part is that I can still be fabulous and grown while I work everything out.

Sounds like me and him just need to have a freakin' talk, huh? Haha. But I'm sure he doesn't have the answers, and I wish I didn't have the questions. I'm not mad about any of this, though. Just... doing what I can to keep it movin', I guess (;

Big love and thank yous to everyone who still listens to me rant about this. You are much appreciated.

#saythatyouloveme

My top news feed on Facebook was so sad this morning. Young love strikes again.

It's terrible when a high school couple that is slightly less dysfunctional than the next one breaks up-- cuz you know someone, if not both people, is hurting. But in high school, breaking up is a given, is it not? So why do we go through it? I don't even have an answer as to why I put myself through it, ha.

Most people my age persist on not knowing what love is. To some extent, they are correct, because we still have an abundance to learn; but I don't think there is a right or wrong answer to what love is. Love is whatever we can perceive and believe it to be, because we'll call it that anyway.

Although I do not believe there to be a universal answer to what love is, I have witnessed a number of blatant abuses and misunderstandings.

I mediate and observe a lot of destructive cycles. There are so many girls who think they need boyfriends to demonstrate their womanhood. They tolerate a variety of things that love will never be, and should never be mistaken as. And often times they jump out of one bad relationship, right on into the next one, where they will tolerate the same things and cover it up as "love". I'm familiar with boys who conduct the same two month relationships, every three months like clockwork, and hurt so many people in between. But somehow, the person they cut the deepest is themselves. I've seen people (of both genders) become completely disillusioned simply by giving their heart away when it ought to have been hidden in a safer place.

I've seen some beautiful examples, too, where teen love is on the verge of becoming adult love. Those kind of things are just unfortunately less common.

I've maintained the notion that love is like fire. It's warm and comforting and something we all can enjoy when it's under our control. But at some point the fire starts to control you, and big fires just aren't fun anymore. Big fires are dangerous. And if you don't figure out how to take control again, you could possibly lose everything you have-- starting with your mind. But big fires are still warm; and stepping away from them can leave you freezing. That big, destructive fire was once something enjoyable, so how do you walk away? On the contrary, a fire can be lit and put out so effortlessly. But no one ever thoroughly understands the mechanics of fire, do they? I could very well expand on this until infinity.

So where do I stand in all of this? Oh, I'm just standing, lol. I've decided not to put myself through it again for a very long time, but I won't forget the time I did. And I won't remember it with bitterness. He'll probably always be "the one who got away". You know-- the one who opened my eyes to a whole new everything. The one who was exposed to more of who I am than any other person. But thats a different story: almost not worth telling. Shoutouts, for changing my life, though.

I'm such a silly girl. I believe in things like forever. I've conditioned myself to desire only something real. But the realest kind of love I've found is from Jesus Christ, and I'm trusting Him to deliver "the one who will stay" in His time.

#justincantfixthisone

My mother is such a word. This seems to be a reoccurring pattern with her. So for what reason am I acting brand new?

I despise being dependent of people who are less intelligent, less reasonable, than I. And yes, I am referring to my parents, but that's a blanket statement. Part of the reason I almost had to shoot someone on my Acadec trip is because certain adults don't know how to conduct themselves.

I remember when my mommy meant the world to me, and when I ran to her for everything. I remember being so scared during the 9/11 crisis and not ever letting her leave my side, because if I was gonna get blown up, at least my mommy would be there to hold my hand! I can remember wanting to hug her, just because. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing someone I wanted to mirror when I was of age. I wish I hadn't known better for longer.

I don't know why everything made such a swift change. I can't recall each tiny happening that started the path to where we are now. But somehow, I'll never forget. I won't forget having to accept the fact that my mom smokes marijuana. You know, like the ignorant kids all over my high school? I won't forget the time she canceled our plans because she was too drunk. I won't forget the time she slapped me because I couldn't swallow a pill. I won't forget being awaken from my sleep to be degraded.

In eighth grade, I used to stay at school for unreasonable hours talking to Jordan, because home wasn't somewhere I wanted to be. I was reminded of that "anywhere but here" feeling yesterday, and slept at Emily's house. But now I'm back here and worse off than before. Because she doesn't change, and nothing I try to do seems to work.

Because there isn't any talking to her. There's only her yelling.

I used to pray so sincerely for things between us to get better. And then... she started to attack my faith. I don't take that from any of my peers, so what in her mind thinks I'm going to pretend to take that from her? So now I'm content with everything that will remain a problem. Because I'm going to be grown. And I won't have to tolerate the things that I have to now. My mother doesn't have to be a part of my life.

But don't get me wrong. I've never wanted it to be this way. I want to know what it's like to have a mother who is also my best friend. But I'm afraid that today, the word "family" has been thrown into the same garbage can as "sorry". As far as I'm concerned, "family" is just as empty as an apology. It's sad, because I know what I'm missing out on.

I don't understand why I'm so upset about this today. What did I really expect? It's been the same story for too long. Satan sure does know what he's doing- coming into my house and disguising himself as someone who ought to have been something much more.

I wish that these words would somehow bring forth some sort of resolve. I wish these words were enough to even capture the full story. Can you sense my fluctuation of feelings? And this isn't something Justin can fix. But perhaps my Lord will. Although I'm not sure that's what I want anymore. I just want to be apart from her.

She is always so quick to say "I'm just a product of my environment". But I won't be a product of mine. I won't be a product of her.

#imatellyouonetime

So I'm in class, right. But you guys gotta hear about this!

Church last night was on point to the max. I missed band practice, because I couldn't get there. But you know what, God works! Kylie wanted to sing with Josh one last time, and so she took my place on stage. Alisha and Heather and Kaysey were already super hyped up, and the spirit of liveness is definitely contagious, haaa. Worship started and I was READY. We danced, we clapped, we praised, we worshiped. It was all just so uplifting. I hadn't worshiped like I did in such a long time. There was love radiating from the stage, from Above, from every direction. I couldn't stop moving, I couldn't keep from singing.

The plan was to just do worship and then chill out and spend time with each other, because that was Josh's last time at F51. God had something so much better in store for us. "Our God" is the song of a lifetime. There's something so empowering about knowing that there is a God who loves us, who is greater, stronger, higher than any of the trials we will ever face. "If our God is for us, then who could ever stop us? And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" And then the Spirit of the Lord dropped and stuff got real!

When Eric announced that there was going to be an altar call, I went back to my seat and just worshiped and prayed over everyone in that room, because I love them all so dearly. The first call was for addiction. No one wanted to be the first person up there, and all I could do was speak the name of Jesus with faith that He would move. But then again, that's all you ever have to do-- call on His name. I opened my eyes and saw Connor going to the front, and I cried like the true cry baby I am. Other people started to come too, and it was so glorious. Then there was a call for people who needed confidence. The altar filled up quickly on that one. The healing power that went down last night was unreal, y'all.

We closed service with "Love Riot" Can you say, party? xD I love Heather and Kaysey so much, and you guys have no clue how thankful I am to have them in my life now. I was so excited when Heather asked me to pray for her during altar call. Ahh!

I really wish Bree and Jared could have been there. Finally I got to see Ms. Tanya! <3

I've learned some things since I upgraded to my grown woman status. I know what I want, and what I don't want, and how to obtain/reject those things. I know that I am responsible for every one of my actions, and am fully aware of each of their consequences. I know that out of sight doesn't necessarily mean out of mind. I've learned that "out of mind" is independent of "out of sight." And let's praise Jesus for that! I've learned that just because I don't need/want another person in my life, it doesn't mean that I shouldn't be there if they need me. It's all about love, and love means telling the truth. Honesty seems to be my new favorite concept. Shocking.

My knowledge of just how good our God is, will ever increase.

#bieberfever

Look into his eyes. Bask in his smile. Admire his outfit. In fact, put on a Justin Bieber song and imagine him singing to you ever-so-passionately with his beautiful voice.

I remember the day I caught Bieber Fever. It was a Wednesday, and I was stuck in the house all day because it was snowing and school had gotten cancelled. I'd never been a "fan" of JB, but I certainly didn't have anything against him. He had a few good songs, but that was the extent of my interest. All glory and honor be to God that the revelation of Justin Bieber was revealed to me that beautiful morning. I'd never watched "Regis and Kelly", but for some reason that day, I was. Justin Bieber was promoting his new movie, but the moment I knew me and Justin were supposed to be together was when he attempted to teach Regis and Kelly how to duggie and do the "wheelchair dance", as he called it. My life has never been the same.

In the next two days, I'd been graced by him three times. He was on "The Ellen Show", MTV's "The Seven", and Jimmy Kimmel. I was so overwhelmed and in love, that I wanted anything that was of Justin Bieber. I started by following him on Twitter; his tweets are such a bright spot on my timeline. I can only hope that one day he will follow me. *sigh*

The weekend after my birthday, my favorite friend Ashley took me to see "Never Say Never 3D." I can't even capture the greatness of that movie in the art of words. Maybe dance, or art... but not words. The haters hate on him because they haven't seen that movie. But like he says in "Bigger"-- 'the haters, I swear, they look so small from up here, cuz I'm bigger.' And he's so right. I love you, Justin!

My love has developed into something so much more since then. I have "My World", "My World 2.0", and "My Worlds Acoustic", and they are constantly playing. Any time I try to listen to something else, my iPod somehow ends up back on my JB<3 playlist. I bought his book; the pictures in there are simply stunning. Let's take this time to recall how sexy Justin Drew Bieber actually is. And let's just go ahead and admit that he wears Usher's swag soo much better than Usher ever has, ever will, and ever could. I have an official Justin Bieber puzzle. When I'm sad, putting together the pieces of Justin's face is like putting back together the pieces of my heart.

Listening to the progression of Justin's voice throughout his career makes me so emotional. Yesterday when I listened to the acoustic version of "You smile", I busted into tears because I was so overwhelmed. It'll only get better, and I am already so proud of my love! I can't wait till we're together <3

Say it with me:

I pledge allegiance to the swagg, of Justin Drew Bieber. And to the greatness, for which he stands, one nation, we beliebe, never say never, with liberty and Justin for all.