Sunday, March 20, 2011

#neversaynever

I came home from church on Wednesday crying my everlovin' face off. You'll never guess why. I thought I saw someone sparkle. You know, that thing you see in someone when you want more than a friendship? But as of now, we barely even have a friendship, so what.the.heck. I'm not sure why I'm being coy about this; you all know who I'm talking about. :P

Don't worry guys, it's not what I thought. It was just an epic case of, "I miss my friend." And I do-- so badly. I've never been as close to anyone as I let myself get with him. At the time, it was slightly devastating to think that someone knew 95 percent of who I am, but now I miss it.

I tried to talk myself out of wanting him in my life. Oh, I tried. "He has a new girlfriend and he's confiding in her now. What does he need me for?" And for a while I let Satan convince me that everything he said to me and every time he looked at me was so condescending. We won't go into detail on that, because I'm ashamed to say I almost believed it. I know so much better, and that's not his character at all.

It's terrible that when he was reaching out to me, I was too busy telling myself it was pretend, and now that I'm reaching out to him, the response I feel would be most appropriate isn't there. It's not either of our faults, but it does heavily suck... for me, at least.

You know, the back of the birthday card I made him says, "A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." Before everything got all messy, that was so it. He knew me well enough to know when I wasn't being myself. That's hard to find, guys. Now that that I'm trying to unscramble everything, it's more like: he's a part of my freaking song. And how could he not be? The trials we put ourselves through have turned me into an outstanding young citizen, if I do say so myself. So if my life is a symphony, I have my Director (because He will never leave), but where the FREAK is my first chair violin?!

I wish there were something I could say to undo whatever got us here. I wish there was a way to make him see it from where I'm standing. The only way I stopped crying on Wednesday, was because I made him talk to me.

We're just gonna go ahead and be completely honest here. I still think about "what if" sometimes. What if we loved again and got it right this time? Because that kidd had my heart. The only difference is, knowing those daydreams won't ever materialize doesn't make me cry, lol. It doesn't even make me a little bit sad. I can't give you a straight answer about why my thoughts still go there, though.

I don't know if it's okay for me to say this, but I feel like some things with him aren't right, and I think I could help them get right. I wish that were my responsibility.

Everything is going to be okay though: with him and with me, even if those two happenings aren't ever again related. You know why? Because there is an all-powerful God who loves us unconditionally and wouldn't have it any other way. I didn't cry my face off coming home from church today, so it's definitely a start :P

I wish I knew we'd come around and get back to the way we used to be sometime in the near future. I'm more than suffice knowing that my life is in His hands, but it's like JB says, "neversaynever", and my hopes are high. (:

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