#justincantfixthisone

My mother is such a word. This seems to be a reoccurring pattern with her. So for what reason am I acting brand new?

I despise being dependent of people who are less intelligent, less reasonable, than I. And yes, I am referring to my parents, but that's a blanket statement. Part of the reason I almost had to shoot someone on my Acadec trip is because certain adults don't know how to conduct themselves.

I remember when my mommy meant the world to me, and when I ran to her for everything. I remember being so scared during the 9/11 crisis and not ever letting her leave my side, because if I was gonna get blown up, at least my mommy would be there to hold my hand! I can remember wanting to hug her, just because. I remember looking into her eyes and seeing someone I wanted to mirror when I was of age. I wish I hadn't known better for longer.

I don't know why everything made such a swift change. I can't recall each tiny happening that started the path to where we are now. But somehow, I'll never forget. I won't forget having to accept the fact that my mom smokes marijuana. You know, like the ignorant kids all over my high school? I won't forget the time she canceled our plans because she was too drunk. I won't forget the time she slapped me because I couldn't swallow a pill. I won't forget being awaken from my sleep to be degraded.

In eighth grade, I used to stay at school for unreasonable hours talking to Jordan, because home wasn't somewhere I wanted to be. I was reminded of that "anywhere but here" feeling yesterday, and slept at Emily's house. But now I'm back here and worse off than before. Because she doesn't change, and nothing I try to do seems to work.

Because there isn't any talking to her. There's only her yelling.

I used to pray so sincerely for things between us to get better. And then... she started to attack my faith. I don't take that from any of my peers, so what in her mind thinks I'm going to pretend to take that from her? So now I'm content with everything that will remain a problem. Because I'm going to be grown. And I won't have to tolerate the things that I have to now. My mother doesn't have to be a part of my life.

But don't get me wrong. I've never wanted it to be this way. I want to know what it's like to have a mother who is also my best friend. But I'm afraid that today, the word "family" has been thrown into the same garbage can as "sorry". As far as I'm concerned, "family" is just as empty as an apology. It's sad, because I know what I'm missing out on.

I don't understand why I'm so upset about this today. What did I really expect? It's been the same story for too long. Satan sure does know what he's doing- coming into my house and disguising himself as someone who ought to have been something much more.

I wish that these words would somehow bring forth some sort of resolve. I wish these words were enough to even capture the full story. Can you sense my fluctuation of feelings? And this isn't something Justin can fix. But perhaps my Lord will. Although I'm not sure that's what I want anymore. I just want to be apart from her.

She is always so quick to say "I'm just a product of my environment". But I won't be a product of mine. I won't be a product of her.