#inthename

I feel all grown up today.

Yesterday was a trip... and back. But the God I serve is awesome in power, and never lets me go. He's like a GPS. He knows where you're at, and where you're going. Yea, we may mess up and make a wrong turn, but what happens when you get off track with a GPS? It recalculates. Glory, glory, thank You Jesus! I guess when you're one of His chosen, mess ups get changed into major bless ups. I can't even begin to tell it all.

You know when Peter walked on water, he only sank because he took his eyes off Jesus. Pause. Let that set for however long you need. I was sinking, because my eyes were on the instability of this world, and not on the one true everlasting God. I couldn't understand because I didn't have any perspective. I have some now. I have a lot of it. And I have peace. The peace of God has surpassed what has been revealed to me, as well what is still a mystery. I can't even begin to tell it all.

"Garbage in, garbage out" is a real life epidemic! What you pour into yourself is exactly what you're going to get out. And those things don't even necessarily have to be evil, but how quickly they can become just that. So in the name of Jesus, my heart will not continue to overpower my mind. It is simple. I will pour into myself more knowledge of the holy, and less deceit of the heart. How quickly things manifest into something so consuming. The only thing I desire to be consumed by is Holy Spirit fire.

Earlier today, I had a nudge to read scripture. Hebrews, to be exact. And so I read it, all of it, that I might hear from God. I heard plain as day. Hebrews 11:10 says, "For he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God." There is only one plan that has solid ground: that of our Lord Jesus. How many times have we seen our own ideas fall under the pressure of their own weight. So now I will just wait. Hebrews 11:30 says that by faith, the walls of Jericho fell down. Do you know what was behind that barricade, those walls? God's promise of a hope and a future! In the name of Jesus, I'm getting to my promise, because I believe. Oh, how I believe.

The glory is all over this last one. Hebrews 12:13 says to make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. [lame - (adj.) impaired or disabled through defect or injury] Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. If your heart has been broken, it doesn't mean to stop loving. If you have been betrayed, it doesn't mean to stop trusting. It means reach Up for the spirit of healing. Jesus... Jesus... Jesus...

My heart is heavy in anticipation of the presence of the Lord. I feel like something is going to happen during worship tonight, even if it is solely within my own heart. I'm going to meet Him. Darkness has come into the most brilliant light and it ends tonight. In the name of JESUS.

#aboutme

What a shallow distraction.

I'm a really good person. I love people (believe it or not). I like to have their trust, and I like for them to know how much I care. I get excited when I think of something sweet to do for someone else, especially when it's unwarranted. I love babies. If I could have a child (infant to 3) with me at all times, I'd so do it. You know why I like babies? Because there aren't ever any complications to the truth. When they're mad, they're mad, and that's it. When they love, they love wholeheartedly because they haven't been corrupted into knowing otherwise. I have a big heart for preteens too. I'm probably the only person in the world who thinks middle schoolers are precious, but aye, I'll save them all myself. I remember how lost I was in middle school, and how much I needed to be found. If only someone had cared, you know? So I do. And I care a lot.

Caring a lot, no matter how hard I try to pretend that I don't, is a general rule for me. I'm sure God meant for it to be a blessing, but Satan always manages it to turn it into a curse.

I'm going to have the most awesome family that was ever crafted. And like, I'm not even kidding. I'm going to be rocking the world with my counseling skills, and my husband is going to be rocking the world with his ministering skills, and together we are going to be unstoppable. Isn't that really what love is? Unstoppable. We'll get into that later. I want two kids. My oldest son will be named Elijah Michael, and my second is still up in the air. I really don't want a daughter. My husband is going to be the most gorgeous white man I've ever seen. Because love makes people gorgeous too. Divorce is not even going to be a word welcome in my home-- and that's really how I feel. And of course, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

The most stunning kinds of pain occur when there are few tears to be cried, and no words to even be mumbled.

I've got some crazy destructive habits. Friendships and others may be victimized, but it's mainly only myself. I struggle with thin lines (like the one between love and lust). I'm... very capable of drawing what I want from people. Turns out I like attention, too. At times I have such a drive to be disconnected from the world around me. The ways I strive to get there are less than healthy. In middle school I was obsessed with drugs. As of late, I just want to drink until I can't think straight anymore. But do not misunderstand me; I've never done either. I think that some things are better left unsaid, unfelt, unexperienced. You don't have to go through it all to know it all. I wish I'd realized that before. I don't trust myself with adult things because I don't make very grown-up decisions.

Those end-all thoughts I've been swallowed up in aren't quite gone. If I told you they were, I lied.

I'd like to think I have an innocent heart. I like VeggieTales and coloring. I like music/movies that remind me of my childhood. I wait on things that I know won't happen, lol. My favorite band is Paramore. My favorite rapper is Kanye West. I love Jesus Christ. Oh man, sometimes I get so caught up. My favorite color is pink. My birthday is February 12th. I was born in up-state New York. Things aren't always what they seem. I will forever be a sucker for love. I like hugs. I probably need one. At this very moment, I feel utterly consumed in my sin.

I mentioned that talking about myself was a shallow distraction. But since when has shallow ever failed me?

#sadlife

"Tryna make it work, but man, these times are hard." No kidding.

Anyone who knows me knows that me and my mother have never had a decent relationship. It's like, common knowledge. But I don't even know what kind of demonic shenanigans have been going on in this house lately. And even trying to explain is kind of abstract, cuz I can't even believe this is my real life.

Last night was the first night since I got saved that I legitimately was questioning whether or not I want to be alive. Like I always talk about how ready I am to get up out of this awful world, but... you know what I'm saying. Certain circumstances that are far beyond my control have me really down on God. I'm misunderstanding Him (at the least) and I feel so deceived. A lot of things seem to be falling apart all at once and I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been eating much, and my face is breaking out like a bandit.

But I know better than to doubt God! I know a lot of things, and a lot of scriptures. But to believe them is something different. For a while, I wasn't trying, but now I am. Man, last night I felt so low. I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't stop crying. It was rough, bro. I wanted to tell Satan that he's not welcome here anymore, and I wanted to call out to Jesus... but I couldn't. It sucks to feel the spirit leaving you, but be so paralyzed that you can't even call Him back.

My mother thinks I'm anorexic. How does a "loving" mother deal with her "anorexic" child? Screams and force-feeds her, of course! Like I don't know what her deal is, but I really don't feel like I have a reason to starve myself. You feel me? Matter of fact, I MISS enjoying food.

She is the only person in this entire world that can make me go bankrupt on self-esteem points in less than five minutes. It's ridiculous. This ought not be so! She is my MOTHER. I don't understand her and unfortunately my willingness to try expired long ago. So I bet when college starts, that's the end of that. I'm not going to call her, and I'm certainly not going to come back to this house when I don't have to. As determined and heartless as that makes me sound, it's saddens me. I think every daughter deserves a mother. Don't you agree?

So this morning I read like half the bible trying to find some peace and get the spirit back... and then my mom started with her foolishness again. All is vanity, swear. And now I'm waiting for my daddy to come pick me up. I'ma stay with him for a few days so that I don't end up even more damaged than I already am before church on Wednesday.

Cuz you know what? I HATE being around all those people who look up to me and expect more from me when I'm so down. Like, I know I'm only a person, but I wanna be so much more for them.

Ugh, I don't even know what to say anymore. But if you love me, and you read this, please hold me accountable for these end-my-life feelings I've been experiencing.

LOL this blog is so bad. Like, my writer-swag is no where to be found. Bloop.

Shoutout to the sweetheart who got me through last night. And shoutout to Chrystal Cole for loving me the way my mother will forever fail to.

Guys, it's gonna be okay! Promise.

#liketoysoldiers

A million toy soldiers in a perfect straight line, waiting to be selected. One behind the other, uniform in the most obvious ways, because we're made of the same stuff. But our Manufacturer knows we're different, for He made us. He may be the only One who knows, but what little boy would want us if he knew our imperfections? So we like it that way. We just want to be chosen. We look so brave; we look so ready to fight. And we are. We want to be strong, but our figures are only plastic.

A lot of little boys come around. And with every new one that walks by, a small glimpse of hope arises that maybe we won't have to stand in line anymore. Most of the little boys leave with something, even if he's compromising his true desires. Perhaps the one he picked isn't the right shade of green, or maybe not the size he wanted. But we don't want to know about that, we're just happy to have been deemed his.

I wish that could be where the story ended. But the truth is that many of us who are taken home are quickly returned. Most of the little boys start immediately in search of a new toy soldier, shamelessly, in plain sight. A few of them just leave. But they'll be back. We all know they'll be back.

I know a toy soldier who went home a few years ago. The little boy who picked her seemed really glad to have her, but I guess that was temporary. Other things became more important to him, and after a while it was more of a hassle to keep her than to bring her back. She doesn't look the same. All of her parts are in tact, but something just isn't right.

Last week another toy soldier was taken out of line, but she is already back. Rumor has it, that little boy was a monster. He took her gun, all of her power, and systematically used it against her. He hurt her on purpose and there wasn't a thing she could do to make it stop. One day he must have decided there wasn't much left to destroy, and here she is. Now she hides at the very end of the line, where she hopes that no little boys will ever notice her. She is resistant to any repair the Manufacturer can offer. But doesn't she know He's the only one skilled enough to fix her.

I went home once. I'd seen this little boy at the factory before. I wasn't there when he picked his first toy soldier, but I certainly saw when he brought her back. i watched him bring another solider back, and still I went with him. I should have known better.

To this day I don't have a clear understanding of what made him return me. Besides the natural wear and tear my armor had suffered, I was okay. But you know, that factory is cold. The temperature seems even lower after being forced back here once we've experienced the warmth of a home. A solider like me couldn't help but run straight to my Manufacturer. He restored me with such a loving gentleness. And I am restored indeed, but I'll never be the same.

I'm back in line again. But none of my hope is in the little boys who come by. All of my faith is in my Manufacturer, and I'm not going anywhere. I found an everlasting warmth in this cold little factory, and I'm going to be fine right where I am.

What about the little boy who returned me? Oh, I watched him pick a new toy soldier. Would you believe she's back too? But he never meant to harm any of us.

What these little boys intend doesn't change the real outcome, nor does it keep us from hurting. We want to be strong, but our figures are just plastic. Yet even when we break, one thing can be sure: we march on.

"Left, left, left-right..." Toy soldiers, we march on.

#flipshair

LAWD, I am so irritated. Like heavily.

What's going on with some of the stuff I let myself get caught up in. What was I thinking with some of the lists I so very idiotically volunteered to write my cute little name on. Sometimes I wonder about myself, really. This isn't a bashfest, because I con't do that, but looking at my old self with my new self's brand new eyes is borderline blasphemy. No you know what, it's full-on blasphemy. None of that is anything like what God had planned for my life, and how dare I even allow myself to get there. And I'm so reminded of all of it every single day. Whats bad is that most of the reminiscence is by choice! Or at least it had been. From now on, I'm flipping my hair and keeping it moving. I'm done living in the past and hoping for a future that salvages the severed ends. Especially when I wasn't the one acting all big and bad with the scissors! I'm looking forward, and if you think I'm ever again looking back, you got me extra twisted. Holla if you feel me. IN THE NAME. Yes sir.

Oosahh.

But so I'm looking at the future, and I see so much potential. It's gorgeous when I put it all into prospective. In a little over a month I will be moving into a dorm with a girl I absolutely adore. School will start and I'll have the opportunity to be the student I always knew I could be, but never had the drive to be. There are going to be so many new people: new people who love the Lord Jesus Christ more than they love this world, more than they love all the things that tempt them, and more then they love themselves. That's hard to find anywhere, and suddenly I'm going to be submerged in those people. And with those people I can make new memories that cloud out the ones that still haunt me. There will be meaning to my life. I'm sure of it. I have an abundance to grow into, and you know what-- I'm ready. I'm finally ready to come alive as the woman of God He destined me to be.

That's always been what this is about. The ethnic anger I demonstrated earlier in this post stems from a basic knowledge that past circumstances have been hindering me from who I was called to be. As grand as it sounds to just leave everything behind, I know that is neither right, nor proper. But like I said, I'm reaching upward, forward, with all my might and whatever gets left behind wasn't meant to come with me anyway, right? Today, I must admit that I don't care.

I'm talking a bunch of crap now, but I know that if I ever start acting too brand new I'll end up face down on the floor of my youth room singing "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, HA.

On a brighter note, I've been reading this book by A. W. Tozer called "Knowledge of the Holy". BRO, tell me why I chose to read it so late into the summer! That little book has soooo much wisdom in it. It's about the nature of God. He takes each characteristic that is evident in the bible and conveys them in ways that we might almost being to understand. Or maybe I should say "know". Because I know the majority of God's nature, but I can't say I understand all of it. I know that He is omnipresent, but to sit and try to understand that He is in all things, through all things, by all things, and that nothing exists apart from Him BLOWS MY MIND. I was sitting there staring at my ceiling fan trying to understand how God was a part of that. And then I felt my mind deteriorating so I had to walk away from the book, lol. There's so much more I wanna tell you guys, but I just suggest you read it. Best book evar.

Speaking of books, the ones I ordered last week finally shipped today. YESH. Pilgrims Progress, a Christian classic, and Erasing Hell, the third literary wonder by the great Francis Chan.

Eric Cole has been going hard at Wednesday night youth. We're talking about relationships. You can imagine, umm... the different opinions, on everything that's been said. But it's all been truth so peoples opinion don't particularly matter. If there's anyone I trust to learn about this kind of stuff from, it's definitely him. And in bible study, Chrystal Cole has been unveiling the mystery of Revelation to us. Relationships, and Revelation: it's getting deep, guys. I absolutely love it. I hope this is the new standard of go-hardness that will be delivered by those two lovely people from now on.

I will however say that as people's true colors start to show, I hope they remain bright and full of life (:

This has been a much needed and very productive update on the life of Crystal Michelle. But, you know. I'ma keep my head up, and y'all do the same. Grace, love, and mercy be multiplied to you a thousand times over <3