#sadlife

"Tryna make it work, but man, these times are hard." No kidding.

Anyone who knows me knows that me and my mother have never had a decent relationship. It's like, common knowledge. But I don't even know what kind of demonic shenanigans have been going on in this house lately. And even trying to explain is kind of abstract, cuz I can't even believe this is my real life.

Last night was the first night since I got saved that I legitimately was questioning whether or not I want to be alive. Like I always talk about how ready I am to get up out of this awful world, but... you know what I'm saying. Certain circumstances that are far beyond my control have me really down on God. I'm misunderstanding Him (at the least) and I feel so deceived. A lot of things seem to be falling apart all at once and I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been eating much, and my face is breaking out like a bandit.

But I know better than to doubt God! I know a lot of things, and a lot of scriptures. But to believe them is something different. For a while, I wasn't trying, but now I am. Man, last night I felt so low. I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't stop crying. It was rough, bro. I wanted to tell Satan that he's not welcome here anymore, and I wanted to call out to Jesus... but I couldn't. It sucks to feel the spirit leaving you, but be so paralyzed that you can't even call Him back.

My mother thinks I'm anorexic. How does a "loving" mother deal with her "anorexic" child? Screams and force-feeds her, of course! Like I don't know what her deal is, but I really don't feel like I have a reason to starve myself. You feel me? Matter of fact, I MISS enjoying food.

She is the only person in this entire world that can make me go bankrupt on self-esteem points in less than five minutes. It's ridiculous. This ought not be so! She is my MOTHER. I don't understand her and unfortunately my willingness to try expired long ago. So I bet when college starts, that's the end of that. I'm not going to call her, and I'm certainly not going to come back to this house when I don't have to. As determined and heartless as that makes me sound, it's saddens me. I think every daughter deserves a mother. Don't you agree?

So this morning I read like half the bible trying to find some peace and get the spirit back... and then my mom started with her foolishness again. All is vanity, swear. And now I'm waiting for my daddy to come pick me up. I'ma stay with him for a few days so that I don't end up even more damaged than I already am before church on Wednesday.

Cuz you know what? I HATE being around all those people who look up to me and expect more from me when I'm so down. Like, I know I'm only a person, but I wanna be so much more for them.

Ugh, I don't even know what to say anymore. But if you love me, and you read this, please hold me accountable for these end-my-life feelings I've been experiencing.

LOL this blog is so bad. Like, my writer-swag is no where to be found. Bloop.

Shoutout to the sweetheart who got me through last night. And shoutout to Chrystal Cole for loving me the way my mother will forever fail to.

Guys, it's gonna be okay! Promise.