discourage - (v.) 1. to deprive of courage, hope, or confidence; dishearten; dispirit 2. to dissuade 3. to obstruct by opposition or difficulty; hinder
Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of courage? "Be brave", right? But I don't even think I remember what being being brave requires, no matter how far the standards have been lowered. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of hope? Hope means believing for the good things you can't see; but it's one thing to not see the good, and it's another for the bad to be ever-present and reoccurring. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of confidence? The emptiest words I catch myself saying these days are: "It'll be okay." I don't say that in faith, I say that out of habit, and perhaps because that's what I hear. Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose.
Have I ever been so disheartened? The same things that keep my heart beating through the day do well in stopping it through the night. Nirvana is and always has been more appealing than this fluctuating hot and cold. How can I find that place? Have I ever been so dispirited? Assuredly I say to you, I have not. Waking up wish you hadn't because the meaning of your days is missing is a most devastating feeling. How can you breathe without air? Life support is undesirable and equally inadequate. Have I ever been so dissuaded? I have. But those dissuasive properties have yet to diminish and the weight is piling up. I will say that this is a different type of dissuasion: lighter according to general perception, but terribly heavy on the heart.
Have I ever felt so obstructed by opposition or difficulty? Time will tell, but I'm afraid of what it will say. I think any person will only stand for so much obstruction before they cease construction altogether. But when I think about everything I worked so hard to build, even against all the original blockades, I genuinely am overcome with anger. I was taught that things were to come together for my good, not come together to break me down. But then again, let's consider what other things I've been taught. The pattern is definitely holding true.
The moral of the story is that I really need to stop getting my hopes up. I swear I'm let down every time. And every fall breaks more than I can even begin to piece back together.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
#christmaslove
I remember the first year I decided Christmas was of the devil. Like, I can specifically recall the things that made me give up on this holiday. It was the first time in a while I'd been to my grandmother's house, and ugh, it's so awful there. And it was awful on Christmas too. I woke up at 6 in the morning to people screaming at each other... on Christmas. I'm shuttering at the thought. Really. I was too young.
So all the Christmas holidays after that were kind of... just whatever. I didn't care to get up early and see what I'd gotten. Sometimes my mom had to force me to put up the tree with her, and there were years we didn't even put up a tree at all. It didn't make a difference to me. I barely cared enough to ask for anything. I'm a natural giver at heart so that aspect only slightly wavered.
The majority of that stolen Christmas spirit was restored which I discovered the real meaning. You know? Jesus is the reason for the season. So for the past two years no matter what gifts I couldn't give or didn't receive, I had joy. Little baby Jesus was born and you couldn't tell me NOTHING.
But this year isn't like last year. I don't have the joy of Jesus in my heart. So I woke up this morning and thought about the Christmas experience that other people must be having. Those with families and faith and giving and receiving. I've had faith, and I've had giving and receiving, but I've never had family. And this year I was under the impression that I wouldn't have any of them.
I'm spending this time with my daddy. Prior to today, I hadn't seen my mother in 10 days and barely spoken to her between time, via text message at that. It's crazy to be away from her like this, especially when I should be home, but I know it will be good for us given the circumstances that encouraged my decision to be here instead of there.
I came in and gave my mommy a hug and told her merry Christmas and all that jazz. It felt good. She was getting ready for church, and I decided I'd go with her so that we'd actually spend time together while I was in Irving. I was definitely in pajamas and we needed to leave in like 15 minutes, so I ran upstairs to get dressed. Except, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stack of presents. I asked before I touched because I didn't think they were for me, but they were. And when she said they were, I just cried. I can't even explain the feeling I had. So I gave her another hug and cried some more.
I got a pair of earrings (super cute story behind them), a red sweater dress (that I'm wearing right now because it was so cute), red vans (YES), a bunch of pajamas that are completely grandma-like (but she tried so it's okay), and this really cute army green military style jacket that I can't wait to figure out what to wear with. SWAG. I think there's some more stuff that I forgot, but, you know.
Church was typical but somehow I'm kind of glad I went. It was so weird to leave my house on Christmas, but like I said, I know this is best. But it really didn't help that she made Thanksgiving dinner again... because ham is disgusting. Lol it's okay. I'm gonna go home tomorrow night and spend Tuesday with her. We're going to dinner and shopping in Lewisville, my treat.
So now I'm back at my dads house curled up in the NY Giants blanket he got me, and I can say it's a good Christmas. (There isn't a tree up here either, btw. Scrooge runs in the family.) But we're eating crab legs for dinner and I'M EXCITED. My dad's funky girlfriend went out of town so that's always nice (:
The title of this post was inspired by Justin Bieber.
"Baby, I will not pout; baby, I will not cry. Cuz I got your love this Christmas time. When the snow's on the ground, and it's freezing outside, I got your love this Christmas time. On every list I've ever sent, you're the gift I'd love the best. So deck the halls and all the rest; warm me up. Hey angel in the snow, I'm under the mistletoe. You are the one; you're my very own Christmas love. Tell Santa I'm cool this year, my present is standing right here. Thank God above, for my very own Christmas love. Like a beautiful tree, you can light up the room, but your kind of star can't be removed. Like a beautiful carol, I get lost in your song, and I will forever sing along."
And that's exactly how I feel. I love you, Matthew Paul.
Merry Christmas to you all <3
So all the Christmas holidays after that were kind of... just whatever. I didn't care to get up early and see what I'd gotten. Sometimes my mom had to force me to put up the tree with her, and there were years we didn't even put up a tree at all. It didn't make a difference to me. I barely cared enough to ask for anything. I'm a natural giver at heart so that aspect only slightly wavered.
The majority of that stolen Christmas spirit was restored which I discovered the real meaning. You know? Jesus is the reason for the season. So for the past two years no matter what gifts I couldn't give or didn't receive, I had joy. Little baby Jesus was born and you couldn't tell me NOTHING.
But this year isn't like last year. I don't have the joy of Jesus in my heart. So I woke up this morning and thought about the Christmas experience that other people must be having. Those with families and faith and giving and receiving. I've had faith, and I've had giving and receiving, but I've never had family. And this year I was under the impression that I wouldn't have any of them.
I'm spending this time with my daddy. Prior to today, I hadn't seen my mother in 10 days and barely spoken to her between time, via text message at that. It's crazy to be away from her like this, especially when I should be home, but I know it will be good for us given the circumstances that encouraged my decision to be here instead of there.
I came in and gave my mommy a hug and told her merry Christmas and all that jazz. It felt good. She was getting ready for church, and I decided I'd go with her so that we'd actually spend time together while I was in Irving. I was definitely in pajamas and we needed to leave in like 15 minutes, so I ran upstairs to get dressed. Except, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stack of presents. I asked before I touched because I didn't think they were for me, but they were. And when she said they were, I just cried. I can't even explain the feeling I had. So I gave her another hug and cried some more.
I got a pair of earrings (super cute story behind them), a red sweater dress (that I'm wearing right now because it was so cute), red vans (YES), a bunch of pajamas that are completely grandma-like (but she tried so it's okay), and this really cute army green military style jacket that I can't wait to figure out what to wear with. SWAG. I think there's some more stuff that I forgot, but, you know.
Church was typical but somehow I'm kind of glad I went. It was so weird to leave my house on Christmas, but like I said, I know this is best. But it really didn't help that she made Thanksgiving dinner again... because ham is disgusting. Lol it's okay. I'm gonna go home tomorrow night and spend Tuesday with her. We're going to dinner and shopping in Lewisville, my treat.
So now I'm back at my dads house curled up in the NY Giants blanket he got me, and I can say it's a good Christmas. (There isn't a tree up here either, btw. Scrooge runs in the family.) But we're eating crab legs for dinner and I'M EXCITED. My dad's funky girlfriend went out of town so that's always nice (:
The title of this post was inspired by Justin Bieber.
"Baby, I will not pout; baby, I will not cry. Cuz I got your love this Christmas time. When the snow's on the ground, and it's freezing outside, I got your love this Christmas time. On every list I've ever sent, you're the gift I'd love the best. So deck the halls and all the rest; warm me up. Hey angel in the snow, I'm under the mistletoe. You are the one; you're my very own Christmas love. Tell Santa I'm cool this year, my present is standing right here. Thank God above, for my very own Christmas love. Like a beautiful tree, you can light up the room, but your kind of star can't be removed. Like a beautiful carol, I get lost in your song, and I will forever sing along."
And that's exactly how I feel. I love you, Matthew Paul.
Merry Christmas to you all <3
Friday, December 23, 2011
#whatamidoing
I've been doing some things you all might not agree with. I've been thinking about some things that might break your hearts. I don't mean any harm; not to any of you, anyway.
Everything I ever said I'd never do has made its way into my life. I say it like it's all been coincidental or even convenient, but it's been said I chased this stuff down. And I can get with that. Empty is as empty does. Do you guys know what empty does? Empty has rough nights and dreads the mornings. Empty would rather be drunk and high than have to deal with her sober realities for one more minute. Empty holds on to vanity because it won't go anywhere unless she lets it. Empty used to cry, and Empty still cries; she will probably never escape the tears but she's already become vastly immune to much of the pain. And more than any of these, Empty no longer desires to be here.
I want to go back but I don't even know what got me here to begin with. I remember when I was chasing after Jesus (the right stuff), full speed fersure, and then suddenly I felt so abandoned and lost and I didn't wanna go to school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. And no matter how other things affected me, or how people and the circumstances they created for me got me down, or even through the mistakes I made by my own right, God never gave me peace. But I fought it all. I tried to pray through it and I tried not to throw away the things I'd thought to be true. I fought it all to the death of me, and that's just what I've ended up with: death.
My faith is terribly misplaced, if not just lost forever. And everyone who sees what's happened to me misunderstands this for hypocrisy. But that's not what this is at all. If you ask me what I think I'll tell you about Jesus and I'll mean it. Just because it wasn't true for me, that doesn't mean it won't be true for someone else. And I want it to be true for everyone because this is rough and I wouldn't ever want company in this kind of misery.
Thinking about what my babies would say if they knew the depths of this makes me sick. It's not okay for them to turn into me and I don't want them to disqualify everything I was in the past and everything I've told them to be and how to act. I know some grown ups that are probably having a heart attack behind this. I know a certain somebody that's having an especially hard time with this. And the details of our interactions mean that his hard times increase my own.
Someone told me I'm more angry and less tolerant. I can get with that, too. The anger is a product of my impatience but I guess I just got tired of waiting. You know? I'm holding my tongue for some people who already have wonderfully developed opinions of me and my character. But not even for my sake.
But that's not all I've been doing. I'll have to get back to you all later.
Everything I ever said I'd never do has made its way into my life. I say it like it's all been coincidental or even convenient, but it's been said I chased this stuff down. And I can get with that. Empty is as empty does. Do you guys know what empty does? Empty has rough nights and dreads the mornings. Empty would rather be drunk and high than have to deal with her sober realities for one more minute. Empty holds on to vanity because it won't go anywhere unless she lets it. Empty used to cry, and Empty still cries; she will probably never escape the tears but she's already become vastly immune to much of the pain. And more than any of these, Empty no longer desires to be here.
I want to go back but I don't even know what got me here to begin with. I remember when I was chasing after Jesus (the right stuff), full speed fersure, and then suddenly I felt so abandoned and lost and I didn't wanna go to school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. And no matter how other things affected me, or how people and the circumstances they created for me got me down, or even through the mistakes I made by my own right, God never gave me peace. But I fought it all. I tried to pray through it and I tried not to throw away the things I'd thought to be true. I fought it all to the death of me, and that's just what I've ended up with: death.
My faith is terribly misplaced, if not just lost forever. And everyone who sees what's happened to me misunderstands this for hypocrisy. But that's not what this is at all. If you ask me what I think I'll tell you about Jesus and I'll mean it. Just because it wasn't true for me, that doesn't mean it won't be true for someone else. And I want it to be true for everyone because this is rough and I wouldn't ever want company in this kind of misery.
Thinking about what my babies would say if they knew the depths of this makes me sick. It's not okay for them to turn into me and I don't want them to disqualify everything I was in the past and everything I've told them to be and how to act. I know some grown ups that are probably having a heart attack behind this. I know a certain somebody that's having an especially hard time with this. And the details of our interactions mean that his hard times increase my own.
Someone told me I'm more angry and less tolerant. I can get with that, too. The anger is a product of my impatience but I guess I just got tired of waiting. You know? I'm holding my tongue for some people who already have wonderfully developed opinions of me and my character. But not even for my sake.
But that's not all I've been doing. I'll have to get back to you all later.
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