#brokenthings

discourage - (v.) 1. to deprive of courage, hope, or confidence; dishearten; dispirit 2. to dissuade 3. to obstruct by opposition or difficulty; hinder

Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of courage? "Be brave", right? But I don't even think I remember what being being brave requires, no matter how far the standards have been lowered. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of hope? Hope means believing for the good things you can't see; but it's one thing to not see the good, and it's another for the bad to be ever-present and reoccurring. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of confidence? The emptiest words I catch myself saying these days are: "It'll be okay." I don't say that in faith, I say that out of habit, and perhaps because that's what I hear. Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose.

Have I ever been so disheartened? The same things that keep my heart beating through the day do well in stopping it through the night. Nirvana is and always has been more appealing than this fluctuating hot and cold. How can I find that place? Have I ever been so dispirited? Assuredly I say to you, I have not. Waking up wish you hadn't because the meaning of your days is missing is a most devastating feeling. How can you breathe without air? Life support is undesirable and equally inadequate. Have I ever been so dissuaded? I have. But those dissuasive properties have yet to diminish and the weight is piling up. I will say that this is a different type of dissuasion: lighter according to general perception, but terribly heavy on the heart.

Have I ever felt so obstructed by opposition or difficulty? Time will tell, but I'm afraid of what it will say. I think any person will only stand for so much obstruction before they cease construction altogether. But when I think about everything I worked so hard to build, even against all the original blockades, I genuinely am overcome with anger. I was taught that things were to come together for my good, not come together to break me down. But then again, let's consider what other things I've been taught. The pattern is definitely holding true.

The moral of the story is that I really need to stop getting my hopes up. I swear I'm let down every time. And every fall breaks more than I can even begin to piece back together.