#christmaslove

I remember the first year I decided Christmas was of the devil. Like, I can specifically recall the things that made me give up on this holiday. It was the first time in a while I'd been to my grandmother's house, and ugh, it's so awful there. And it was awful on Christmas too. I woke up at 6 in the morning to people screaming at each other... on Christmas. I'm shuttering at the thought. Really. I was too young.

So all the Christmas holidays after that were kind of... just whatever. I didn't care to get up early and see what I'd gotten. Sometimes my mom had to force me to put up the tree with her, and there were years we didn't even put up a tree at all. It didn't make a difference to me. I barely cared enough to ask for anything. I'm a natural giver at heart so that aspect only slightly wavered.

The majority of that stolen Christmas spirit was restored which I discovered the real meaning. You know? Jesus is the reason for the season. So for the past two years no matter what gifts I couldn't give or didn't receive, I had joy. Little baby Jesus was born and you couldn't tell me NOTHING.

But this year isn't like last year. I don't have the joy of Jesus in my heart. So I woke up this morning and thought about the Christmas experience that other people must be having. Those with families and faith and giving and receiving. I've had faith, and I've had giving and receiving, but I've never had family. And this year I was under the impression that I wouldn't have any of them.

I'm spending this time with my daddy. Prior to today, I hadn't seen my mother in 10 days and barely spoken to her between time, via text message at that. It's crazy to be away from her like this, especially when I should be home, but I know it will be good for us given the circumstances that encouraged my decision to be here instead of there.

I came in and gave my mommy a hug and told her merry Christmas and all that jazz. It felt good. She was getting ready for church, and I decided I'd go with her so that we'd actually spend time together while I was in Irving. I was definitely in pajamas and we needed to leave in like 15 minutes, so I ran upstairs to get dressed. Except, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stack of presents. I asked before I touched because I didn't think they were for me, but they were. And when she said they were, I just cried. I can't even explain the feeling I had. So I gave her another hug and cried some more.

I got a pair of earrings (super cute story behind them), a red sweater dress (that I'm wearing right now because it was so cute), red vans (YES), a bunch of pajamas that are completely grandma-like (but she tried so it's okay), and this really cute army green military style jacket that I can't wait to figure out what to wear with. SWAG. I think there's some more stuff that I forgot, but, you know.

Church was typical but somehow I'm kind of glad I went. It was so weird to leave my house on Christmas, but like I said, I know this is best. But it really didn't help that she made Thanksgiving dinner again... because ham is disgusting. Lol it's okay. I'm gonna go home tomorrow night and spend Tuesday with her. We're going to dinner and shopping in Lewisville, my treat.

So now I'm back at my dads house curled up in the NY Giants blanket he got me, and I can say it's a good Christmas. (There isn't a tree up here either, btw. Scrooge runs in the family.) But we're eating crab legs for dinner and I'M EXCITED. My dad's funky girlfriend went out of town so that's always nice (:

The title of this post was inspired by Justin Bieber.

"Baby, I will not pout; baby, I will not cry. Cuz I got your love this Christmas time. When the snow's on the ground, and it's freezing outside, I got your love this Christmas time. On every list I've ever sent, you're the gift I'd love the best. So deck the halls and all the rest; warm me up. Hey angel in the snow, I'm under the mistletoe. You are the one; you're my very own Christmas love. Tell Santa I'm cool this year, my present is standing right here. Thank God above, for my very own Christmas love. Like a beautiful tree, you can light up the room, but your kind of star can't be removed. Like a beautiful carol, I get lost in your song, and I will forever sing along."

And that's exactly how I feel. I love you, Matthew Paul.

Merry Christmas to you all <3