#whatamidoing

I've been doing some things you all might not agree with. I've been thinking about some things that might break your hearts. I don't mean any harm; not to any of you, anyway.

Everything I ever said I'd never do has made its way into my life. I say it like it's all been coincidental or even convenient, but it's been said I chased this stuff down. And I can get with that. Empty is as empty does. Do you guys know what empty does? Empty has rough nights and dreads the mornings. Empty would rather be drunk and high than have to deal with her sober realities for one more minute. Empty holds on to vanity because it won't go anywhere unless she lets it. Empty used to cry, and Empty still cries; she will probably never escape the tears but she's already become vastly immune to much of the pain. And more than any of these, Empty no longer desires to be here.

I want to go back but I don't even know what got me here to begin with. I remember when I was chasing after Jesus (the right stuff), full speed fersure, and then suddenly I felt so abandoned and lost and I didn't wanna go to school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. And no matter how other things affected me, or how people and the circumstances they created for me got me down, or even through the mistakes I made by my own right, God never gave me peace. But I fought it all. I tried to pray through it and I tried not to throw away the things I'd thought to be true. I fought it all to the death of me, and that's just what I've ended up with: death.

My faith is terribly misplaced, if not just lost forever. And everyone who sees what's happened to me misunderstands this for hypocrisy. But that's not what this is at all. If you ask me what I think I'll tell you about Jesus and I'll mean it. Just because it wasn't true for me, that doesn't mean it won't be true for someone else. And I want it to be true for everyone because this is rough and I wouldn't ever want company in this kind of misery.

Thinking about what my babies would say if they knew the depths of this makes me sick. It's not okay for them to turn into me and I don't want them to disqualify everything I was in the past and everything I've told them to be and how to act. I know some grown ups that are probably having a heart attack behind this. I know a certain somebody that's having an especially hard time with this. And the details of our interactions mean that his hard times increase my own.

Someone told me I'm more angry and less tolerant. I can get with that, too. The anger is a product of my impatience but I guess I just got tired of waiting. You know? I'm holding my tongue for some people who already have wonderfully developed opinions of me and my character. But not even for my sake.

But that's not all I've been doing. I'll have to get back to you all later.