#tooearly

It is wayyy too early; and I wish I was just talkin' hours and minutes.

My tummy is like a big honesty muscle. The second I start telling the truth, or even thinking the truth, it puts me in so much discomfort. Wanna know why? Cuz I never use it, ha. It's too early to try to change that now. Maybe I shoulda started with the smaller stuff. But since I'm already in pain, lets do it.

I'm okay (I really am), but every now and then, I'm not. In the middle of the night I hear your words that I made up. False hope (Satan's most detestable tool) creeps into my conscience and sometimes it doesn't come out. It's like my bloody honest flesh fighting against the misconceptions of my spirit. And I wanna flood you with my hurt so that your real words will scare away the hope, but my pride will allow no such thing. "I'm not coming back, be real with yourself." I need to hear those things from you, but I will never allow myself to be put in that situation. Because I'm holding on to the little piece of pride I have left, and because I've already been embarrassed enough.

You knew what you were doing when you started talking to me about another girl. That's something else I needed to hear, but you are automatically in the wrong because I didn't mean to put myself in that situation. And "whatever", too... You know, I think it's time I rewrite my song. As if you care to remember any of the old one anyway. But this time I'll be bulletproof.

If only I could stop talking about you. What everyone else has to say is so much more awful than what I come up with on my own. And confusing, because I'd like to think I know your intentions more than they. But what in the world would make me think a silly thing like that?

Those super cliche sayings never mean anything until suddenly, they do. Its true guys, time does heal all wounds. It's a little early to have declared that, but I know it is. Kanye said "people in your life are seasons, and everything that happens is for a reason." All I can say is there must be some grand reasoning for all of these happenings! The part about people being in your life for seasons is a little less easier to grasp. How do I know when its the right time to let you out? Why haven't I already? I'm learning that people really only do what's good for themselves. No one stays in a friendship that turns into a hardship, and that friendship was only developed in the first place because at one point, it was what was best for each of the participants. I think maybe it's time for me to do something thats good for me.

Wednesday night, I felt like God was saying to me. "Stop crying, because it's time to go to sleep." Right now I feel like He's saying, "Go, because it's time to move on." Go where? I'm not sure yet, but it's not a physical place. I've moved on from the break-up. Now it's time to move on from an impossible friendship. It hurts the same, guys. Don't you see how blurred these lines are?

I think I'll go sit in the snow, and try to take this anklet off. Stud Muffin says this is all my fault for dating younger, anyway. LOL.