#desperate

Hey guys. It's been a while.

desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.

I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.

It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.

Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.

I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.

Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.

I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.

This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.

Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.