#stilldesperate

I couldn't leave you guys like that :P

So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?

Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."

"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.

Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.

I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.

If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.

But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.

My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.