Hey so it's Thanksgiving. What's with this holiday, though? Shouldn't we be thankful for our blessings more than one time a year? Right. But eating like an obese person is always fun. Swag. And like, why am I awake? Anyway...
I know I am such a Negative Nancy all the time and you'd think that on the one day we're supposed to reflect on the positives, I'd figure out how to be a Polly but noooo. Today, I am SO not thankful for being a girl. Not at all. I can't deal. But I'ma try to get off it; and PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, someone who's reading this, ask me about it.
This morning I'm really thankful for the God I serve. He doesn't have to be there for me, or keep any of His promises, but He always does. The consistency of my God is really important to me because not many people on this earth ever stay the same, and not even myself, not even when I want to be. His love is ever-present, and His grace and His mercy and His power. Serving a powerful God means a lot teo me because in all of my strength, I am still so weak. I could go on forever. Couldn't you? Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights. Oh, give thanks to the Lord; for He is good!
I'm thankful for waking up this morning. You know? For having another day to right my wrongs and find right-standing with God. It's definitely been a search for me these days; and perhaps I'm just negotiating with the devil, but sometimes my actions feel more justified than my inaction. Nonetheless, today is a beautiful day and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to live it. Some people weren't granted this day; have you considered that?
I've been blessed with the most wonderful friendships. I love those friends you've had since elementary school and middle school, and although the dynamics of those friendships vary throughout the years, you've still got them, and they've still got you. Jehwet, Jennifer, Ashley, Candace, Alice, Taylor, Taylor again: I love you guys. Jaggy, Jordan, Karen: I'm so blessed to have your friendship. Those friends we acquire in high school are so iffy it's almost sickening, but through all the questionables and all the hard times, I kept a few. Alicia, Emily, Alisha, Hector, Andres, Chris, Eman, Sheyla: I'm so thankful for you all. I love that friend that loves you more than anyone and knows you more than anyone and deals with more of your crap than anyone. I love that friend you haven't known as long as the others, but it feels like it's been forever anyway, and you know it also will be forever: best friends forever. I love that guy; his name is Matthew Argenbright.
This just in: I'M REALLY FREAKING THANKFUL FOR MY PARENTS. Holy crap, my mom just saved the day so hard. We fight sometimes, actually, we fight all the time. And it gets really hurtful, but omgsh I'm bout to cry because she just made me feel so good. She's helpful in times like this cuz I'm pretty sure I got my epic girlness from her anyway. AHH! And I'm thankful for my daddy. Fer some reason, we've been getting closer since college started. We tell each other "I love you" and I'm still not used to that but, I like it. And I love him <3 AHHH. Shoutout to my mom, though!
I'm so thankful for my church family. Grace Pointe, and the people I've come to love by going there. Chrystal Cole is such a mom, MY mom. She doesn't even have kids but I'm gonna be a mom like her. Eric Cole is such a dad. He's strict and stern but I know he'd fight a bear for me. I have some really cool aunts and uncles like Michelle and Jamee and David and Gabriel, and Bekah and Nicole. And then I got all these cute little brothers and sisters running around everywhere: Krystal, Lauren, Hannah, Karla, Magen, Elizabeth, Shelby, Lane, Zach, Kylie, and Shey. We're all just really cute because it runs in the family. And my babies are Amber, Connor, Jacob, Josh, and Jared. They're so precious. See how blessed I am, guys? So favored of God.
Some of the other things I'm thankful for include: my fabulous bed, Justin Bieber, my school, all this delicious food I smell, anddd Justin Bieber again.
But like, I have things to do and people to see, so I'm out! Happy Thanksgiving to you all. <3
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Sunday, November 13, 2011
#imissyou
Justin Bieber is blasting through my house as we speak.
So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.
But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.
And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.
My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.
And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:
Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.
So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.
But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.
And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.
My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.
And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:
Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.
Monday, November 7, 2011
#ilovemybff
I went to church yesterday! My church! It was only the second time since I ran away. It's good to be back. I love those people. And now that I feel like I'm there by choice and not by habit, I feel independently accountable to God and perhaps not so condemned by people. Gahhh, I have SUCH a people-complex.
I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)
After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?
Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):
Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!
My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.
What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.
This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.
I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P
I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.
"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)
After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.
Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?
Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):
Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!
My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.
What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.
This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.
I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P
Monday, October 17, 2011
#hurricane
Some things are just really hurtful. I'm going to try to be as indirect as possible, but I think you all know my heart by now.
Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.
The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.
So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.
Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.
But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...
To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.
Peace be multiplied to you all.
Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.
The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.
So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.
Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.
But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...
To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.
Peace be multiplied to you all.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
#stilldesperate
I couldn't leave you guys like that :P
So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?
Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."
"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.
Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.
I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.
If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.
But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.
My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.
So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?
Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."
"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.
Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.
I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.
If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.
But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.
My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.
#desperate
Hey guys. It's been a while.
desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.
I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.
It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.
Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.
I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.
Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.
I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.
This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.
Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.
desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.
I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.
It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.
Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.
I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.
Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.
I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.
This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.
Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.
Monday, August 22, 2011
#collegeswag
The past two weeks counting down to college have been rough. Like, I can remember myself at orientation being so excited for my college swag to be on full attack. I wanted to meet new people and I wanted to get a fresh start academically. I wanted to get out of my house, that was fersure. But as move in day got closer, my enthusiasm turned almost into dread. I can't even completely say what made me that way. I knew I was bummed about my financial situation, but the Lord always makes a way. His will, His bill, right? And I know this. Having to grow up always SUCKS, but should be an adventure, not a chore. I didn't stay for the freshman welcome activities, and I cried my face off (and reaaally wanted to break stuff) yesterday when I had to move in for good.
But you know what? I was being so far. I don't really care about meeting people like I probably should, but today was the best day ever!
I woke up this morning and got ready for Chapel. Alicia was being ridiculous and making me help her move stuff in the room. I started my day with an extra big smile after hearing from my favorite person in the world. I love when that happens. Chapel was hittin'. They did Our God and Forever Reign during worship! They also did an old hymn but it was really beautiful. The speaker was different, but he brought some good word about what "storms" in our lives we need to look to Jesus for. I only had one class (computer science) today, but it was with Karla! Haha, that professor is so precious. He's a little Asian man, with the sweetest demeanor, and the cutest accent. Anddd he spent half of class giving us his testimony. Loved it.
I was done for the day at 12. Alicia was trapped till two, so we decided we'd go eat lunch when she got out of class. So we go down there, right, and the saddest thing evar happens. We tug on the door only to find that the cafeteria had JUST closed. So we came back to the room with very sad faces and really hungry tummies. After fixing the TV all by myself, (-pops collar-) I tried to put it on food network, and Alicia goes, "WE ARE NOT FINNA BE WATCHING NO FOOD NETWORK WHEN WE HAVEN'T EVEN ATE." I so had a giggle fest. What was I thinking? xD
Count on us to make up for our hunger some way, though. They had a back to school thing in the quad and the ONLY reason me and Alicia came out of the air conditioning was because they were giving away free Chick Fil A sandwiches and tea. LOL. But so we just came back from dinner and OMGSH, delicious. I ate everything. They had everything. Pork chops, whaaaat? And omgsh. They are so fancy... as they should be with all this money I'm paying. But I'm so full, I don't even know how I'm not sleep.
This dorm is awful, but so wonderful :D Like it has two extra tiny beds, two pretty large desks, a dresser, a sink, and a very spacious closet. These beds are super high. Watching Alicia's short self jump up there is PURE comedy. We have a tv and an iHome, and the fridge is on the way. The bathroom is right across our room though, so thaaaat's good. I super love my roommate and we're gonna have the best time evar this year.
A few emotional side notes: My head is really screwy. It's rebelling hardcore and I don't even know what to do anymore. The more good I try to pour into it, the more bad that comes out of it. My heart is really screwy too, and I'd honestly rather have it ripped out. I hate those awkward moments where you try to give away what is near and dear to you, that it might not be taken again. Not this time. But I'm not quite to the point of "leave, before you get left behind", so maybe there's hope? *cues Danity Kane* "MY HEART IS DAMAGED, DAMAGED, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOWWWW" xO
I'll prolly cue some Mayday instead though, realtalk.
So like I haven't talked to my mom today, and I'm prolly not gonna, but I'd really enjoy the start of a healthy relationship with her. I don't wanna just be done, I want things to be better. But how long have I wanted that? Right.
I'ma be in class like all day tomorrow. And I have to get up early. But it's gonna be fun. I love college. I love Jesus, too. Sometimes I feel like that gets lost in all the other things I'm loving. That's not gonna be good. I'ma stop talking now. Dear baby Jesus.
But you know what? I was being so far. I don't really care about meeting people like I probably should, but today was the best day ever!
I woke up this morning and got ready for Chapel. Alicia was being ridiculous and making me help her move stuff in the room. I started my day with an extra big smile after hearing from my favorite person in the world. I love when that happens. Chapel was hittin'. They did Our God and Forever Reign during worship! They also did an old hymn but it was really beautiful. The speaker was different, but he brought some good word about what "storms" in our lives we need to look to Jesus for. I only had one class (computer science) today, but it was with Karla! Haha, that professor is so precious. He's a little Asian man, with the sweetest demeanor, and the cutest accent. Anddd he spent half of class giving us his testimony. Loved it.
I was done for the day at 12. Alicia was trapped till two, so we decided we'd go eat lunch when she got out of class. So we go down there, right, and the saddest thing evar happens. We tug on the door only to find that the cafeteria had JUST closed. So we came back to the room with very sad faces and really hungry tummies. After fixing the TV all by myself, (-pops collar-) I tried to put it on food network, and Alicia goes, "WE ARE NOT FINNA BE WATCHING NO FOOD NETWORK WHEN WE HAVEN'T EVEN ATE." I so had a giggle fest. What was I thinking? xD
Count on us to make up for our hunger some way, though. They had a back to school thing in the quad and the ONLY reason me and Alicia came out of the air conditioning was because they were giving away free Chick Fil A sandwiches and tea. LOL. But so we just came back from dinner and OMGSH, delicious. I ate everything. They had everything. Pork chops, whaaaat? And omgsh. They are so fancy... as they should be with all this money I'm paying. But I'm so full, I don't even know how I'm not sleep.
This dorm is awful, but so wonderful :D Like it has two extra tiny beds, two pretty large desks, a dresser, a sink, and a very spacious closet. These beds are super high. Watching Alicia's short self jump up there is PURE comedy. We have a tv and an iHome, and the fridge is on the way. The bathroom is right across our room though, so thaaaat's good. I super love my roommate and we're gonna have the best time evar this year.
A few emotional side notes: My head is really screwy. It's rebelling hardcore and I don't even know what to do anymore. The more good I try to pour into it, the more bad that comes out of it. My heart is really screwy too, and I'd honestly rather have it ripped out. I hate those awkward moments where you try to give away what is near and dear to you, that it might not be taken again. Not this time. But I'm not quite to the point of "leave, before you get left behind", so maybe there's hope? *cues Danity Kane* "MY HEART IS DAMAGED, DAMAGED, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOWWWW" xO
I'll prolly cue some Mayday instead though, realtalk.
So like I haven't talked to my mom today, and I'm prolly not gonna, but I'd really enjoy the start of a healthy relationship with her. I don't wanna just be done, I want things to be better. But how long have I wanted that? Right.
I'ma be in class like all day tomorrow. And I have to get up early. But it's gonna be fun. I love college. I love Jesus, too. Sometimes I feel like that gets lost in all the other things I'm loving. That's not gonna be good. I'ma stop talking now. Dear baby Jesus.
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