Proverbs 3:5

I'm so tired. My arms are sore from worshiping You. My legs are weak from jumping up and down for You. My voice is unstable because I screamed so loud to You. I repeated those actions everyday for You because I wanted to feel You; but I could only feel him. And I know not to let any man come between me and You, but isn't this what You wanted? Didn't You put this love in my heart? It's the only logical explanation.

Prayer missions aren't usually for people like me. I don't even consciously pray for myself, but suddenly I'm so dedicated to the cause of Christ in you. Something you said completely set me off. I know there is power in prayer, although I haven't witnessed it for myself; I thought I picked a good time to become one of those witnesses, but He thought otherwise.

For a minute I thought We'd won: me, You, and him. And when I saw him at that altar my heart was so full of love. I worshiped You with all my heart for saving someone so near and dear to me. I worshiped You with all my heart because You had answered my prayers.

I don't know what changed on the last day, but its like everything had come undone and I thought to myself: "Pay attention please. He has something to say to you. What happened, dear? I thought you had your mind made up; what happened?"

To be honest, I didn't take it very well, because I don't understand any of it. I can't understand how someone can be surrounded by Your people and Your love for days and not want to be part of the fellowship. I don't understand how my prayers can be so selfless, and yet go unanswered. I was hurt, and I was mad at You because he is just a human, but You were supposed to work a miracle.

And then the music started to play, and there was an altar call. And I wanted to forget all of my faith because I was angry, but I cried instead and I reached out to Him one more time. I did it for you. And I couldn't hold my tongue anymore; I had to say what was on my mind. I hope you listened. I hope you realized how much I want this for you. I wasn't lying when I told you that you're my favorite. I love you.

And as for You: You're my everything. I still don't understand, not even a little bit, but I'm trusting in You with all my heart. We'll get him. We have to. Amen and amen.

Unmasked

This one's old. Its elementary because I wrote it in eighth grade; but this is how I felt. I wanted to post it because I remember what it's like to be so torn down that you feel you'll never get back up. I remember what it's like to feel so alone in a room full of "friends". I remember wanting to commit suicide. And dear, I want you to know that you will rise again. I am always here for you. You have so much potential that suicide would be robbing the world of greatness. And I love you, so much.

-------------------------------------

All anyone can ever see is my artificial smile

and all anyone can ever hear are my stupid little lies--

amazing that no one can see the sadness in my eyes.

But what if you saw me unmasked?

What if you saw me yesterday

crouched behind the couch?

And what if you could be there tomorrow

to witness me mentally break down?

Then how much longer would you be around?

And for that I am stronger

in holding back each tear.

But today the mask will disappear

as the person beneath is revealed.

More often then not

I get a suicidal thought

or two-- or three--

Look at me!

Can you honestly not see

that I'm reducing into nothing?

Please do not be fooled by my act of happiness;

know it as a cover for my lack of happiness.

Listen to me recite

that "I'm fine", that "I'm alright"

and understand that I am not okay...

It's really hard to recall even a single day

that I sincerely was.

I have horribly low self esteem

but I make up for it by being mean.

I hear putting you down

might bring me up.

But at the end of the day I'm still ready to erupt.

No one cares about me

but I think I'm okay with that.

It's better for them that way

because more then likely I can't care back.

I've trained myself against the human race

because I know exactly what they do.

They lie, steal, cheat and everything else.

So, tell me that that isn't you.

An absolute misanthrope,

and sadly, there is no hope.

So now can you see past my semi-sweet smiles?

And now do you believe my lies?

Thank You God

& my twitter reads as following:

OHMYFREAKINGOD. My mother is so psychotic. SORRY I COULDN'T BEEPING HEAR YOU BECAUSE I HAD HEADPHONES IN. And yes I'm bout to go on a rant. Yea, I get that you can't move right now cuz you're old and cripple, and I was being nice about it, but now you just screwed yourself over. I wish she was beeping paralyzed so I could say what I wanted to her and she could sit there and LOOK at me. Let her see how that crap feels. DONT, yell at me like a dog, and then get mad at me cuz I'm not happy about it. Lord have MERCY, I cant wait to get out of this house. And when I'm out I PROMISE, I will never ever ever ever be back to see her again. And my son will only have one grandma. I hate her. If anyone is wondering why I'm so hateful, come spend a week in my house with this female dog and I bet you'll be mad at the world too. I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Living here is not making me stronger, and when I get out I'll be so broken down. But thank you God for making me as weak as you wanted me to be, right? I'm done.

Mhmm.

Her hip went out because she's that old, and at first I didn't mind doing things for her. Actually, we'd been having a good week up until now. And so apparently she called my name six times and I couldn't hear her because I had headphones in. So when I finally went down there she started screaming about how am I supposed to hear the door if I cant hear her calling my name. CLEARLY, I didn't think about that when I put the headphones in, but she proceeded to talk to me like a dog anyway. And when I walked out she had the nerve to say "sorry to inconvenience you." Yea, whatever, I bet you are sorry. Sorry you had me, and sorry you made me hate you shortly thereafter.

Me and her relationship has been so BUSTED, since I was old enough to know whether I did or did not like her. Soo... sixth grade? Yup. Its pretty upsetting to people who haven't lived through it, but now days I'm just over it. We aren't ever going to have the relationship I needed when I was fifteen, sixteen, now seventeen. It makes sense to need to have a decent relationship with your mother, right? I'm not just bitter and hurt for no reason, right?

Its funny because yesterday I told everyone at church that me and my mother had been civil to each other, and then Shelby even prayed about it with me. So of course it makes sense for the devil to attack me. I know. But he wins. I give up. And let me say it again: Thank you God for making me as weak as you wanted me to be.

But I'm not mad at God, I'm pissed about everything else.

Thoughts of You

I try really hard to stay away from this type of thing, and lately its like fate doesn’t even care. My mind doesn’t want to be involved, but my heart isn’t listening. It bounces to and fro like it was made apart from me, and this time we’ve all landed on you. I’m not excited; it’s not going to be different. I’ll spend too much time thinking of you, while you’re thinking of her, and I’ll just change my mind about it in a few weeks. So why even bother? Why do I consistently insist on going there? Why are you so adorable?

I think we can all agree that the most effective way to dissolve an infatuation at top speed is by actually getting to know the person. He isn’t anything like how you imagined, matter of fact he’s a straight up jerk, right? And so I’m getting to know you, and I’m looking for all the signs, except there aren’t any. It turns out you’re still the same sweetheart I envisioned, and hey, you’ve got some substance too! What’s that, you say? You want more out of life than cheap dates and easy hook ups? You’re adorable. And then like the horrifying crash of a train wreck, you mention her. It was only a matter of time. But I’ll spare you, because I like her as much as you do.

Didn’t I say it wasn’t going to be any different? It’s okay though, really, it is. I don’t want to have feelings for you, so if you want to have feelings for her, be my guest. And let me help you out! Tell me all your insecurities and I’ll do my very best to make them disappear. I promise not to let her say anything bad about you. You can get her, if you try! I really mean it: and why wouldn’t I? If anyone deserves a happy story, it’s you.

Now I’m running around spreading the news to everyone, and the reactions I’m getting are quite comical. “EW, why?” seems to be the most popular, but my favorite was “to each, her own”. And now thinking about you is getting out of hand; there’s a slight problem when I can’t sleep, and not even music can shut you up. For all the reasons I have to be self-conscious, I don’t act it: except as of late, except around you… This is definitely getting to be a problem.

On the bright side, you’re such a cutie pie. You always have been, though. You’re the type of person I could spend forever with and find minimum objection. So how ‘bout it: me and you, and enough hugs and good conversation to last a lifetime. No? Well darling, I’m so sorry to tell you, but she doesn’t feel the same. She doesn’t see anything of what I can see so plainly—and I don’t understand it to save my life. I’m so sorry, I know how you feel.

But don’t stop trying. At least not till I do. I remember the times when I would have been completely content as long as you were, but I think I’m finding more satisfaction in both our failures. How sadistic of me. I’ll be hurting, but so will you, and that’s okay this time. I wonder why it’s different now. I promise I was sincere when I told you to go for it… I don’t know what happened. I hope something works out for you, and I hope I won’t be bitter about it. Right now, the only thing I can see working for me, is you. Dear God, kill me now.

Addicted

It’s three in the morning

Lost and void of sleep

How was I forgotten

When you were always to keep?

But I just need a few sips

To suffocate my mind

And who else shall I turn to?

How else will I unwind?

Shameless and sure, pour and comply

I’m still not ready, not for goodbye

But I don’t need you…

It’s four in the morning

And you don’t even care

Cold sweats and goose bumps

Because you aren’t there

And all I need is one hit

To take away the pain

Shoot me up and make me tingle

All throughout my veins

Slow and steady, aim and fire

I’m just a kid, so you’re the liar

But I can handle this…

It’s five in the morning

So I’ll just try again

Except that the substance abuse

Is making me spin

And I don’t know

What will save me now

But letting you go…

I don’t know how

Shot after sip, more and more

I know this feeling, I’ve been here before

But baby I’ll die for you…

Mad

Shh! You will wake him!
And I cannot let him see
This dangerously deluded
Monster creeping, crawling out of me

So kick, fight, bite, and SCREAM
Anything by any mean…
[[A constant struggle to remain sane]]
Stealing every breath in possession of me
I’m doing whatever it takes to hide
What is so sure to be

And against every ounce of my hope
I lose it
And against every bit of my will
Its gone

I am furious
And just as curious
As to how I let it win.
I was so strong—
And for so long—
Where did the right turn wrong?

Laughs of anger
And yells of joy
Tears although I am numb
In fear of myself
And with all that I’ve done
The worst is still yet to come…

My frame has become so brittle, so weak;
I cannot find the strength to speak.
Choking on every breath that I breathe--
I am so cold.

And he is aware of the situation
And he has witnessed this terrible transformation
And he has come to the realization
That I am no good for him.

Meditation #2

So it appears that love does not actually conquer all. Because I'm the only one thats broken down; but I thought you were too. And naturally, nothing was ever alright, but if you were too, then we could pretend like it was and not know the difference. But I guess you aren't, because if you were, you wouldn't be able to stand this, because I can't stand this. I can't stand this, and you have caused it. And so now I'm not as convinced that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Because you are loved, and you are lost, and I can't stand this, while you have caused it. But my heart won't make the connection. How is it that you are loved and lost? How has it come to be that you have caused what I cannot stand? I thought love meant that you were supposed to consider me before you considered you. I thought love meant we were on the same page. I thought love meant you couldn't live without me. I'm not living without you. But maybe none of this is going how love meant, because love never meant anything. At least not yours. Mine will always mean everything. And that, I cannot stand.

Confessions

Our night out wasn’t how I thought it would be; not at all. You were just taking me places I wanted to get to; that was it. But now every dazzling moment is running through my conscience like that’s where they belong. You don’t belong anywhere near me, but I can remember perfectly.

…

I remember how stunning you were when you walked through the door with your uniform perfectly in tact. I remember how sure you were when you argued I was prettier than her over and over again. I remember how charming you were when we’d forgotten anyone was around. I remember almost holding your hand, and shying away from looking you in the eye. I remember wanting to kiss you on my front step, and I remember the hug I settled for instead. I remember how your warm embrace wasn’t much of a settlement at all. I remember how lovely we were. I can remember perfectly.

The next time I saw you, we were back to normal. We were distant, we were passive. I didn’t say what I wanted to, and you didn’t say anything. But I wasn’t torn, because it was just one night. So Monday came and Thursday went, but Friday stood still. Friday was everyone’s night out, although you and I would be there too. My mind pressed with unanswered questions until the time had come. I was dressed, I was ready. I wondered if you were anticipating me, like I was anticipating you.

I arrived first, took my seat, and waited impatiently. The table I chose filled up faster than I hoped. And I wanted to wait for you; I wanted to sit next to you. But saving a seat strictly in your name would have been unacceptable. This crowd would not approve.

As a matter of fact, the crowd had a lot of influence on how I acted that evening. I wanted to relive our night out and just exist in your company, but the circumstances forced me to dance. I bounced to and from you, as Logic and Emotion took turns in control. The later it got, the clearer it became that “one night” would indeed remain “one night”. Witnessing you drive away from me and from my second chance, left me with an inescapable sinking feeling. The clock stuck eleven, and we never even showed up.

My head came out of the clouds when I got home. I knew what I should have expected, because I knew what was going to happen. So why did I build myself up just to be thrown down. I went to sleep in my dress and jewelry before the truth started to hurt. The lies were already painful enough.

Saturday morning, my phone notified me of one new text message from you. “Good night,” it read. Those two words couldn’t have ever meant more to me than what they meant coming from you. You were thinking about me when you got home. You knew how I’d been let down. You were sorry for everything that didn’t happen, because you wished they had happened too.

…

Now, it seems like our night out was just a dream. Sometimes I walk past you in the hallways without acknowledging you, but you won’t make a single gesture in objection. Other times, you notice the expression on my face that begs for your presence, and comply. I wish I could get you to open up; if we were closer, my heart would be set for a thousand years. I think about you at exponential rates; you and that beautiful smile. I’m so unnaturally drawn to you, but I’m tired of fighting it. And its not that you don’t know, its not that I haven’t told you, it’s just that some things are best left unsaid and subconsciously known.