School started last week. I am such a drama queen, because it's not even that bad. I love my schedule, and what's not suprising at all is the fact that my spirit gets more abused at home than it does at school. What was I worried about? Pshh.
First period is band, as always. Our new director is well, new. He does things a lot differently. Some of the changes are good, like not having night practices, but I feel like more of them are just irritating me. Second period is Counsiling and Mental Health. Can you say complete blow off class? I didn't expect it to be hard, but I did expect to learn. Third period is Academic Decathalon. I am so proud of myself! I've actually been keeping up with my work, and its not as much as it seems like it is. I really wanna make the team. Fourth period on A day is Advanced Health. There are some interesting characters in there, but I'm expecting it to be fun. How can it not be when you get to perform for elementary students and eat off campus? :P My fourth period on B day is PALs. I had fun with that last year and I'm glad I decided to do it again this year. I always thought I hated kids, but that class helped me realize that they're the best people you'll ever meet. Fifth period is AP Economics. Me, Candace, Sheyla, Artaya, and Jerrett, have too much fun in there xD. Mr. Turner teaches it but, GASP! We still manage to keep a classroom environment. Sixth period is Spanish 3. I love Mrs. Pope! She's so funny, and it kind of amazes me how a full white woman can speak such authentic spanish. Not to mention that she totally said "far" the other day, haha. Seventh period [as of now] is AP Calculus. I definitely only signed up for that class because I thought I wouldn't be able to take AP Statistics. Hallelujah, the Lord is faithful and I should have a schedule change coming through on Monday. Sixth period will be AP Statistics, and seventh period will be Spanish 3. The only sacrafice was that instead of taking AP psychology next semester, I'll have to take... something else? I don't remember. It's a garbage class though. I was just happy to have been set free from Calculus and the wrath of Mr. Tillerson. xD
Last night was my last first football game and halftime performance. I can't believe I'm a senior. I have to do something about college! I have to be able to keep it together when everything starts to end! I have to make memories that will last forever. xO What am I going to do with myself? D:
Living with my mother is getting out of hand. Sometimes this house feels like prison. I have so much built up resentment towards her, I kind of don't think it'll ever mellow out. I dont look up to her anymore, she doesn't make me smile anymore, it's just a mess. I should be used to it, I should be over it, but I'm not. Silly me. Oh my goodness. Thursday night, my Lyric May had to experience the devastation of being alive. Not cool at all, she's only two! My heart seriously just broke when I heard her start to cry, but at least I was there to hold her while the grown ups acted like they weren't grown.
Hey. Hey you. Yes, you. I hate her, because she makes me feel so insignificant. You have way more history with her than with me, and you think that just because you say she doesnt matter that I'm supposed to believe that in my heart. I wish I could, because I know you only say things that you mean. And I'll deal with it as fast as I can, I promise. It's my problem, not yours.
But back to happiness, and friends, and joy.
Band isn't the same without Christopher Del Monte. Why don't me and Jamie Bell ever see each other? I need for Magen Thornton to drop out of college and come back to me. I miss Theodore Beyene, oddly, or perhaps not that oddly, lol. Keithbear is a traitor. I'm so proud of Alisha Harper-Motte. School is really messing up me and Jennifer West's friendship... or maybe it's that dumb job of hers! I'm going to kidnap Shey Stults and not even feel bad about it. I love Matthew Argenbright. F51 is still the light of my life. God is so good, although I am so unworthy. Praise Him.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Go away, I dislike you.
In June, I posted one of my poems called "Mad". I think I might have been casting bad omens over my life when I wrote that poem, because omgsh. The freaking poem has come to life.
In the poem, he's asleep, and she's trying to be quiet so that he wont wake up and see all of the bad things locked up inside her heart that come out in the middle of the night. And she's fighting her demons with everything she has, but they win. And she's hurt because she thought she'd gotten good at keeping them under wraps. And then her feelings become so misplaced, and she just starts to physically break down. Then to top it all off, right in the middle of such a glorious moment in her life, he wakes up...
How inconvenient, right?
"I cannot let him see this dangerously deluded monster creeping, crawling out of me." I know right! Because I'm telling you how bad its gonna get, and I'm urging you to just leave so you wont be subjected to such nonsense, but I don't wanna demonstrate. I wish you'd listen, so this wouldn't happen again.
"Kick, fight, bite, and SCREAM." Yo, I don't just let these things get inside my head. Although I'm thinking I should now, because it doesn't even matter anymore. You've already seen; I don't think theres much left thats worth fighting to hide.
"In fear of myself, and with all that I've done, the worst is still yet to come..." Look. I've felt systematically beaten down by everyone that was supposed to build me up since I was old enough to know that I needed to be loved. "What happened?" Nothing happened: life happened. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; and unfortunately their actions have triggered certain reactions. I would have been fine if you didn't make me give away my swagg, like I didn't need it or something. Since all I have now is raw emotion, I'm sure its all downhill from here. Do yourself a favor. I'll be okay, and you'll be even better.
The last two lines say: "And he has come to the realization that I am no good for him." Whats the hold up, bae?
In the poem, he's asleep, and she's trying to be quiet so that he wont wake up and see all of the bad things locked up inside her heart that come out in the middle of the night. And she's fighting her demons with everything she has, but they win. And she's hurt because she thought she'd gotten good at keeping them under wraps. And then her feelings become so misplaced, and she just starts to physically break down. Then to top it all off, right in the middle of such a glorious moment in her life, he wakes up...
How inconvenient, right?
"I cannot let him see this dangerously deluded monster creeping, crawling out of me." I know right! Because I'm telling you how bad its gonna get, and I'm urging you to just leave so you wont be subjected to such nonsense, but I don't wanna demonstrate. I wish you'd listen, so this wouldn't happen again.
"Kick, fight, bite, and SCREAM." Yo, I don't just let these things get inside my head. Although I'm thinking I should now, because it doesn't even matter anymore. You've already seen; I don't think theres much left thats worth fighting to hide.
"In fear of myself, and with all that I've done, the worst is still yet to come..." Look. I've felt systematically beaten down by everyone that was supposed to build me up since I was old enough to know that I needed to be loved. "What happened?" Nothing happened: life happened. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; and unfortunately their actions have triggered certain reactions. I would have been fine if you didn't make me give away my swagg, like I didn't need it or something. Since all I have now is raw emotion, I'm sure its all downhill from here. Do yourself a favor. I'll be okay, and you'll be even better.
The last two lines say: "And he has come to the realization that I am no good for him." Whats the hold up, bae?
Friday, August 6, 2010
I Hate This Part...
Let me just say this again: I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY BEST FRIEND OVER SOMETHING SILLY.
Lane says that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. He's a smart kidd.
Last night I was jealous... because I knew she was with you, and thats where I wanted to be. And when I texted you, I wasn't going to say anything about it because thats not my place, but you... why are you so honest with me? And since when have I preferred ignorance over bliss? Its not that I'd rather you lie, its that I wish the whole truth didn't make me want to self destruct.
Jennifer says that if I don't start communicating with you, telling you how I feel, all the bad things that could ever happen will definitely happen.
That used to not be a problem. I know I can always tell my best friend anything. But I think that the circumstances are making me forget that you are, indeed, my best friend. It's unacceptable on my part, and I hope you'll be patient and forgiving until I learn how to do better. The circumstances make me want to run when you need me to stay, and even when I need to stay. And I don't recall running from anything, but with you its like my first instinct.
I keep saying that everything will be alright, but I don't know that I mean it.
I can't even explain the extent of what my mind was subjected to last night. I was mad at you for hurting me, and I was mad at me for letting myself be hurt in the first place. And I was so sad... but I couldn't cry until I stopped focusing on what you did, and started to realize what I didn't do. And then I was sorry for not being there.
I love you so much, and not saying it is unnatural, but how am I supposed to say that and not remember? How am I supposed to open up and make myself vulnerable when I know what can happen. That's why I've been running, and thats why I wouldn't communicate. I'm scared for us.
You say you're a horrible person.
Being confused doesn't make you evil. Thinking about how wrong you are takes the fear out of my heart: and then it makes me love you... which puts the fear right back in. What are we gonna do?
Whatever you do, don't worry about me! I'm perfect as long as I have my BFF, and he's happy.
<3
Lane says that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. He's a smart kidd.
Last night I was jealous... because I knew she was with you, and thats where I wanted to be. And when I texted you, I wasn't going to say anything about it because thats not my place, but you... why are you so honest with me? And since when have I preferred ignorance over bliss? Its not that I'd rather you lie, its that I wish the whole truth didn't make me want to self destruct.
Jennifer says that if I don't start communicating with you, telling you how I feel, all the bad things that could ever happen will definitely happen.
That used to not be a problem. I know I can always tell my best friend anything. But I think that the circumstances are making me forget that you are, indeed, my best friend. It's unacceptable on my part, and I hope you'll be patient and forgiving until I learn how to do better. The circumstances make me want to run when you need me to stay, and even when I need to stay. And I don't recall running from anything, but with you its like my first instinct.
I keep saying that everything will be alright, but I don't know that I mean it.
I can't even explain the extent of what my mind was subjected to last night. I was mad at you for hurting me, and I was mad at me for letting myself be hurt in the first place. And I was so sad... but I couldn't cry until I stopped focusing on what you did, and started to realize what I didn't do. And then I was sorry for not being there.
I love you so much, and not saying it is unnatural, but how am I supposed to say that and not remember? How am I supposed to open up and make myself vulnerable when I know what can happen. That's why I've been running, and thats why I wouldn't communicate. I'm scared for us.
You say you're a horrible person.
Being confused doesn't make you evil. Thinking about how wrong you are takes the fear out of my heart: and then it makes me love you... which puts the fear right back in. What are we gonna do?
Whatever you do, don't worry about me! I'm perfect as long as I have my BFF, and he's happy.
<3
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Um. I still really don't know whats going on in my life.
Band camp started on Monday; I absolutely HATE being around all those people who remind me of my old self and make it hard for me not to slip back into my old ways. I love them, but I don't love the effect they have on me. Sigh.
My heart has been mostly conflicted. But Jennifer helped me realize today that, I don't wanna lose my best friend over something silly. I actually get pretty scared when I start to think about it. And the best thing to do would be to just talk it out, right? But I don't wanna go there... LOL, and today I felt my first wave of intense jealousy. What an adventure; here we goooo. ;]
I figured we'd just have poetry time since I'm not mentally able to talk about anything else :P
System Error
This love has conquered all
Yet undivided, now we fall
Because you have got the best of me
And we won’t ever be the same”
It’s the way that I love you
Like our lungs love the air
But the oxygen supply
Won’t support the wear and tear
It’s the way that you love me
Like our hearts love the beat
But the blood flow is slowing down
System error to replete
And I am surely suffocating
My body cannot bear the waiting
Except that is what I know to do
Hold by breath and wait for you
And I try to stay alive
Reminiscing once upon a time
Because you promised happily ever after
I’m afraid our picture perfect has shattered
Its tiny parts are all too faded, too scattered
We aren’t brave enough for heartbreak
So we settle for heartache
And we pick up the pieces
To make the same mistakes
I love you like you love me
But perhaps we just weren’t meant to be
But wait just a minute, you have to know
That I won’t ever let this go.
“This love has got the best of me
and we wont ever be the same”
I wonder what prompted me to write that. Have you ever been so dependent on someone that when they weren't there you found yourself breaking down? But you never thought in advance to protect your heart because they we're supposed to stay. And it seems like a one-way pain, but both of you are feeling the burn. And you try to make it better, but you don't change anything, and by the time you just let go... you've got permanent scars from so many broken pieces.
My life is great. My friends are greater. My God is greatest. <3
Band camp started on Monday; I absolutely HATE being around all those people who remind me of my old self and make it hard for me not to slip back into my old ways. I love them, but I don't love the effect they have on me. Sigh.
My heart has been mostly conflicted. But Jennifer helped me realize today that, I don't wanna lose my best friend over something silly. I actually get pretty scared when I start to think about it. And the best thing to do would be to just talk it out, right? But I don't wanna go there... LOL, and today I felt my first wave of intense jealousy. What an adventure; here we goooo. ;]
I figured we'd just have poetry time since I'm not mentally able to talk about anything else :P
System Error
This love has conquered all
Yet undivided, now we fall
Because you have got the best of me
And we won’t ever be the same”
It’s the way that I love you
Like our lungs love the air
But the oxygen supply
Won’t support the wear and tear
It’s the way that you love me
Like our hearts love the beat
But the blood flow is slowing down
System error to replete
And I am surely suffocating
My body cannot bear the waiting
Except that is what I know to do
Hold by breath and wait for you
And I try to stay alive
Reminiscing once upon a time
Because you promised happily ever after
I’m afraid our picture perfect has shattered
Its tiny parts are all too faded, too scattered
We aren’t brave enough for heartbreak
So we settle for heartache
And we pick up the pieces
To make the same mistakes
I love you like you love me
But perhaps we just weren’t meant to be
But wait just a minute, you have to know
That I won’t ever let this go.
“This love has got the best of me
and we wont ever be the same”
I wonder what prompted me to write that. Have you ever been so dependent on someone that when they weren't there you found yourself breaking down? But you never thought in advance to protect your heart because they we're supposed to stay. And it seems like a one-way pain, but both of you are feeling the burn. And you try to make it better, but you don't change anything, and by the time you just let go... you've got permanent scars from so many broken pieces.
My life is great. My friends are greater. My God is greatest. <3
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