Friday, August 6, 2010

I Hate This Part...

Let me just say this again: I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY BEST FRIEND OVER SOMETHING SILLY.

Lane says that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. He's a smart kidd.

Last night I was jealous... because I knew she was with you, and thats where I wanted to be. And when I texted you, I wasn't going to say anything about it because thats not my place, but you... why are you so honest with me? And since when have I preferred ignorance over bliss? Its not that I'd rather you lie, its that I wish the whole truth didn't make me want to self destruct.

Jennifer says that if I don't start communicating with you, telling you how I feel, all the bad things that could ever happen will definitely happen.

That used to not be a problem. I know I can always tell my best friend anything. But I think that the circumstances are making me forget that you are, indeed, my best friend. It's unacceptable on my part, and I hope you'll be patient and forgiving until I learn how to do better. The circumstances make me want to run when you need me to stay, and even when I need to stay. And I don't recall running from anything, but with you its like my first instinct.

I keep saying that everything will be alright, but I don't know that I mean it.

I can't even explain the extent of what my mind was subjected to last night. I was mad at you for hurting me, and I was mad at me for letting myself be hurt in the first place. And I was so sad... but I couldn't cry until I stopped focusing on what you did, and started to realize what I didn't do. And then I was sorry for not being there.

I love you so much, and not saying it is unnatural, but how am I supposed to say that and not remember? How am I supposed to open up and make myself vulnerable when I know what can happen. That's why I've been running, and thats why I wouldn't communicate. I'm scared for us.

You say you're a horrible person.

Being confused doesn't make you evil. Thinking about how wrong you are takes the fear out of my heart: and then it makes me love you... which puts the fear right back in. What are we gonna do?

Whatever you do, don't worry about me! I'm perfect as long as I have my BFF, and he's happy.

<3

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