#goodmorning

You know how some things nevar change and you don't really get over them, you just get used to them. Except for the times where you suddenly aren't used to them. Nothing I want to discuss. But you know, that one thing that always bothers you until the end of forever even after you think you're done with it. When you really should have been done with it a long time ago. But... some things never change. I've prayed about it a lot, and now I'm starting to think God wants me to be trapped forever. I wish it was something that was just my own fault. I wish I had blatantly messed up. I wish there weren't so many loose ends everywhere. I'll stop talking about this now, though. I know theres a reason, but I wish He'd tell me because sometimes I let it keep me from living my fricken life. And sometimes I cry. And everything makes me remember. But it wasn't even my fault. It just happened to me, and now it's going to consume me, because some things never change. And I know I don't "need" for it to fix itself. Because Jesus is all I'll ever need. I just wish... I don't even know what I wish anymore. I wish I didn't still cry sometimes. This type of thing hurts my pride. Vomit, vomit, embarrassment, vomit.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

From what I can tell, I can't have anything. Being 'over it' is not a real life concept; it's an untruth you tell yourself so you'll get up in the morning. Cuz joy comes in the morning, right? And all of the lies you tell yourself to get there. I'm starting to feel like a victim. I used to feel like an innocent bystander who showed up at the wrong time.

It's the morning, but I'm not sure what came today. I don't even want to deceive myself anymore.

And what's great about all of this is I can't even break down the way I need to during worship today, because I have to freaking lead it. I'm not mad at God, I'm pissed beyond measure at this piece of crap world, and all it's murders who kill the good in people without even being phased. These murderers-- they've gone unaffected and I can't even get past it. But it's not the murderer that makes me cringe. It's the fact that I've been murdered.

Lol, this is some bull. School is far today.

Dear Lane Harper, my life would suck without you. Thank you for always listening to me hurt about the same things, and saying funny things to make them better. "I'm gonna play my bass on the ground and stare at you." LOL, you don't even know how that has affected my day. You are such a cool kid, and I love you.