Some things are just really hurtful. I'm going to try to be as indirect as possible, but I think you all know my heart by now.
Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.
The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.
So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.
Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.
But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...
To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.
Peace be multiplied to you all.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sunday, October 16, 2011
#stilldesperate
I couldn't leave you guys like that :P
So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?
Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."
"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.
Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.
I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.
If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.
But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.
My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.
So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?
Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."
"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.
Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.
I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.
If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.
But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.
My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.
#desperate
Hey guys. It's been a while.
desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.
I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.
It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.
Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.
I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.
Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.
I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.
This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.
Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.
desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.
I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.
It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.
Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.
I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.
Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.
I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.
This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.
Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.
Monday, August 22, 2011
#collegeswag
The past two weeks counting down to college have been rough. Like, I can remember myself at orientation being so excited for my college swag to be on full attack. I wanted to meet new people and I wanted to get a fresh start academically. I wanted to get out of my house, that was fersure. But as move in day got closer, my enthusiasm turned almost into dread. I can't even completely say what made me that way. I knew I was bummed about my financial situation, but the Lord always makes a way. His will, His bill, right? And I know this. Having to grow up always SUCKS, but should be an adventure, not a chore. I didn't stay for the freshman welcome activities, and I cried my face off (and reaaally wanted to break stuff) yesterday when I had to move in for good.
But you know what? I was being so far. I don't really care about meeting people like I probably should, but today was the best day ever!
I woke up this morning and got ready for Chapel. Alicia was being ridiculous and making me help her move stuff in the room. I started my day with an extra big smile after hearing from my favorite person in the world. I love when that happens. Chapel was hittin'. They did Our God and Forever Reign during worship! They also did an old hymn but it was really beautiful. The speaker was different, but he brought some good word about what "storms" in our lives we need to look to Jesus for. I only had one class (computer science) today, but it was with Karla! Haha, that professor is so precious. He's a little Asian man, with the sweetest demeanor, and the cutest accent. Anddd he spent half of class giving us his testimony. Loved it.
I was done for the day at 12. Alicia was trapped till two, so we decided we'd go eat lunch when she got out of class. So we go down there, right, and the saddest thing evar happens. We tug on the door only to find that the cafeteria had JUST closed. So we came back to the room with very sad faces and really hungry tummies. After fixing the TV all by myself, (-pops collar-) I tried to put it on food network, and Alicia goes, "WE ARE NOT FINNA BE WATCHING NO FOOD NETWORK WHEN WE HAVEN'T EVEN ATE." I so had a giggle fest. What was I thinking? xD
Count on us to make up for our hunger some way, though. They had a back to school thing in the quad and the ONLY reason me and Alicia came out of the air conditioning was because they were giving away free Chick Fil A sandwiches and tea. LOL. But so we just came back from dinner and OMGSH, delicious. I ate everything. They had everything. Pork chops, whaaaat? And omgsh. They are so fancy... as they should be with all this money I'm paying. But I'm so full, I don't even know how I'm not sleep.
This dorm is awful, but so wonderful :D Like it has two extra tiny beds, two pretty large desks, a dresser, a sink, and a very spacious closet. These beds are super high. Watching Alicia's short self jump up there is PURE comedy. We have a tv and an iHome, and the fridge is on the way. The bathroom is right across our room though, so thaaaat's good. I super love my roommate and we're gonna have the best time evar this year.
A few emotional side notes: My head is really screwy. It's rebelling hardcore and I don't even know what to do anymore. The more good I try to pour into it, the more bad that comes out of it. My heart is really screwy too, and I'd honestly rather have it ripped out. I hate those awkward moments where you try to give away what is near and dear to you, that it might not be taken again. Not this time. But I'm not quite to the point of "leave, before you get left behind", so maybe there's hope? *cues Danity Kane* "MY HEART IS DAMAGED, DAMAGED, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOWWWW" xO
I'll prolly cue some Mayday instead though, realtalk.
So like I haven't talked to my mom today, and I'm prolly not gonna, but I'd really enjoy the start of a healthy relationship with her. I don't wanna just be done, I want things to be better. But how long have I wanted that? Right.
I'ma be in class like all day tomorrow. And I have to get up early. But it's gonna be fun. I love college. I love Jesus, too. Sometimes I feel like that gets lost in all the other things I'm loving. That's not gonna be good. I'ma stop talking now. Dear baby Jesus.
But you know what? I was being so far. I don't really care about meeting people like I probably should, but today was the best day ever!
I woke up this morning and got ready for Chapel. Alicia was being ridiculous and making me help her move stuff in the room. I started my day with an extra big smile after hearing from my favorite person in the world. I love when that happens. Chapel was hittin'. They did Our God and Forever Reign during worship! They also did an old hymn but it was really beautiful. The speaker was different, but he brought some good word about what "storms" in our lives we need to look to Jesus for. I only had one class (computer science) today, but it was with Karla! Haha, that professor is so precious. He's a little Asian man, with the sweetest demeanor, and the cutest accent. Anddd he spent half of class giving us his testimony. Loved it.
I was done for the day at 12. Alicia was trapped till two, so we decided we'd go eat lunch when she got out of class. So we go down there, right, and the saddest thing evar happens. We tug on the door only to find that the cafeteria had JUST closed. So we came back to the room with very sad faces and really hungry tummies. After fixing the TV all by myself, (-pops collar-) I tried to put it on food network, and Alicia goes, "WE ARE NOT FINNA BE WATCHING NO FOOD NETWORK WHEN WE HAVEN'T EVEN ATE." I so had a giggle fest. What was I thinking? xD
Count on us to make up for our hunger some way, though. They had a back to school thing in the quad and the ONLY reason me and Alicia came out of the air conditioning was because they were giving away free Chick Fil A sandwiches and tea. LOL. But so we just came back from dinner and OMGSH, delicious. I ate everything. They had everything. Pork chops, whaaaat? And omgsh. They are so fancy... as they should be with all this money I'm paying. But I'm so full, I don't even know how I'm not sleep.
This dorm is awful, but so wonderful :D Like it has two extra tiny beds, two pretty large desks, a dresser, a sink, and a very spacious closet. These beds are super high. Watching Alicia's short self jump up there is PURE comedy. We have a tv and an iHome, and the fridge is on the way. The bathroom is right across our room though, so thaaaat's good. I super love my roommate and we're gonna have the best time evar this year.
A few emotional side notes: My head is really screwy. It's rebelling hardcore and I don't even know what to do anymore. The more good I try to pour into it, the more bad that comes out of it. My heart is really screwy too, and I'd honestly rather have it ripped out. I hate those awkward moments where you try to give away what is near and dear to you, that it might not be taken again. Not this time. But I'm not quite to the point of "leave, before you get left behind", so maybe there's hope? *cues Danity Kane* "MY HEART IS DAMAGED, DAMAGED, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOWWWW" xO
I'll prolly cue some Mayday instead though, realtalk.
So like I haven't talked to my mom today, and I'm prolly not gonna, but I'd really enjoy the start of a healthy relationship with her. I don't wanna just be done, I want things to be better. But how long have I wanted that? Right.
I'ma be in class like all day tomorrow. And I have to get up early. But it's gonna be fun. I love college. I love Jesus, too. Sometimes I feel like that gets lost in all the other things I'm loving. That's not gonna be good. I'ma stop talking now. Dear baby Jesus.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
#ouchie
(Lol, hi, good morning! I totally wrote this last night, but the internet was acting dumb, so... yea!)
Everyone give it up for the one and only Satan! Stealing the show every time! Alright, I'm being super sarcastic, but I must give credit where credit is due. And boy is it due.
Bro I am in so much pain. Let's break this down. MY BODY HURTS. Never again will I for an extended period of time proceed to front like I am 'bout that life and have any type of muscle mass. NEVER AGAIN. Next time I'm sure I'll just cut to the chase (; This is going on day two, by the way. If there's a day three... D:
My spirit hurts too. Ouchie. It probably has been for a while, but this is just the icing on the freaking cake. Not that the cake wasn't already big enough. Lemme be as vague as possible. Ever since I was a baby Christian, I've been taught to follow the word of God to the best of my ability. And I think I've done that. And I've wanted to do that. But now that I'm not a baby Christian anymore, it's getting hard out here for a pimp. I have a fun analogy for you guys. I wanna kill someone because I hate them so much and really that's the only way I see justice being served. I've never been a violent person, but suddenly I am consumed with violence. I know the bible says that vengeance is His, but quite frankly I'm tired of waiting. I feel so justified in committing such an evil act, but I know exactly what the scripture says. What's worse is that, the victim doesn't wanna be alive anyway.
I still have a spirit, because I know better. I don't exactly have a soul anymore though, because I don't think I care to do better. Sometimes it just feels better to give in. One more time, a big round of applause for Lucifer. And then I got all types of cute small children boosting me up like they have any clue. "You have such a calling on your life! You're my mentor! I know you're hand in hand with God!" Please don't even mention my duties as a music minister every Wednesday night. Talk about corruption, huh? I really feel like if God loved me, He'd just take me now while I'm still halfway serving Him. Dx
BUT LIKE-- I'm not mad at Him. I still try to jam His music and focus during worship. Lol, this is far.
My heart isn't in the best condition, either. Have you ever cared for someone so deeply that their struggles, no matter how big or small... kind of, become yours too? Like you know there's nothing you can do directly to make it go away, but gosh, you'll never stop trying. That probably goes both ways, so I guess the first thing I can do to make something better is pretend I'm okay, ha. I miss being genuinely happy. I miss when my mommy was my friend; because I promise one day she is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and she is going to get fired up, dirty. I wish I was even somewhat excited about Sizzle Retreat on Friday, or move-in day for college next Wednesday.
Ahh... Sizzle Retreat on Friday... with all the children who think too highly of me. With Sharon... who knows all your secrets before she even knows your name. With the sun... which will have me going to college looking like an African. Umm... yea. I'm excited!
Lol, I've been in my bed all day, lovesick, like that's supposed to be okay or something. But I don't even wanna get better... and that's really not supposed to be okay. Eff these feelings, though. I'm too real to be getting tangled up again.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy really is a great piece of musical art, in all it's secular deliciousness. "This'll be a beautiful death, jumpin' out the window, lettin' everything go..."
I swear these blogs are getting repetitive. Same crap, different day. Hot mess. Whatever. I'm out.
Everyone give it up for the one and only Satan! Stealing the show every time! Alright, I'm being super sarcastic, but I must give credit where credit is due. And boy is it due.
Bro I am in so much pain. Let's break this down. MY BODY HURTS. Never again will I for an extended period of time proceed to front like I am 'bout that life and have any type of muscle mass. NEVER AGAIN. Next time I'm sure I'll just cut to the chase (; This is going on day two, by the way. If there's a day three... D:
My spirit hurts too. Ouchie. It probably has been for a while, but this is just the icing on the freaking cake. Not that the cake wasn't already big enough. Lemme be as vague as possible. Ever since I was a baby Christian, I've been taught to follow the word of God to the best of my ability. And I think I've done that. And I've wanted to do that. But now that I'm not a baby Christian anymore, it's getting hard out here for a pimp. I have a fun analogy for you guys. I wanna kill someone because I hate them so much and really that's the only way I see justice being served. I've never been a violent person, but suddenly I am consumed with violence. I know the bible says that vengeance is His, but quite frankly I'm tired of waiting. I feel so justified in committing such an evil act, but I know exactly what the scripture says. What's worse is that, the victim doesn't wanna be alive anyway.
I still have a spirit, because I know better. I don't exactly have a soul anymore though, because I don't think I care to do better. Sometimes it just feels better to give in. One more time, a big round of applause for Lucifer. And then I got all types of cute small children boosting me up like they have any clue. "You have such a calling on your life! You're my mentor! I know you're hand in hand with God!" Please don't even mention my duties as a music minister every Wednesday night. Talk about corruption, huh? I really feel like if God loved me, He'd just take me now while I'm still halfway serving Him. Dx
BUT LIKE-- I'm not mad at Him. I still try to jam His music and focus during worship. Lol, this is far.
My heart isn't in the best condition, either. Have you ever cared for someone so deeply that their struggles, no matter how big or small... kind of, become yours too? Like you know there's nothing you can do directly to make it go away, but gosh, you'll never stop trying. That probably goes both ways, so I guess the first thing I can do to make something better is pretend I'm okay, ha. I miss being genuinely happy. I miss when my mommy was my friend; because I promise one day she is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and she is going to get fired up, dirty. I wish I was even somewhat excited about Sizzle Retreat on Friday, or move-in day for college next Wednesday.
Ahh... Sizzle Retreat on Friday... with all the children who think too highly of me. With Sharon... who knows all your secrets before she even knows your name. With the sun... which will have me going to college looking like an African. Umm... yea. I'm excited!
Lol, I've been in my bed all day, lovesick, like that's supposed to be okay or something. But I don't even wanna get better... and that's really not supposed to be okay. Eff these feelings, though. I'm too real to be getting tangled up again.
My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy really is a great piece of musical art, in all it's secular deliciousness. "This'll be a beautiful death, jumpin' out the window, lettin' everything go..."
I swear these blogs are getting repetitive. Same crap, different day. Hot mess. Whatever. I'm out.
Friday, August 5, 2011
#deuces
Living has been exceedingly far, to say the least.
There comes a time in life when you realize that all the bull is for the birds. And then there's another more epic time when you realize that most of these characters floating around here aren't anything but vultures. Shortly thereafter, there is a most liberating time when you throw your deuces up, move on to something better, stop tryna make it work, and say bye-bye. And it's like, you know they're gonna be mad, but so what? Wish them best of luck, but now it's time to throw them deuces up.
Oh, Chris Brown, why are you so real?
Yesterday a grown person that I trust very much supported my reconstruction project. Who wants to really guard their heart more than they can give it away? Not me. Do you know how much love I have inside my cute little self? I wish I could just love freely, without caution, and there be no consequence. But that's not how this works. And I'm out of excuses. Cuz when you tell the truth, I guess there aren't any left to make, lol. Sigh, so back to hiding it is... Err, assuming I can remember the place where no one ever found me.
I hate when small children are hurting about and affected by things that are far beyond their control. xl
Jesus Christ of Nazarene, Son of Man, Lamb of God, Savior who died and rose again on the thrid day: where You at, Bro? Like I'm not mad at Him by any means. I'm learning to accept the fact that life sucks and then you die and there's not too much you can do to make it stop if God lets such dysfunction slip through His hands and all over your life. I worship at church full-heartedly for the God I've known Him to be in these past two years. I try to sing His praises..? I try to read His word..? I try to talk to Him..? I just haven't seen His face in a good minute, and I probably miss it more than I can even explain.
SO MUCH STUFF IS NEITHER RIGHT, NOR PROPER IN THIS TRIFLING WORLD! xO
Someone with less power should have more of my trust. That sounds really intelligent. Dang, that sounds so intelligent. So shout out to Miles Brown for being that guy (: Half the time he doesn't even know what I'm talking (screaming) about, but he always listens. He's still short though :P Thank you.
But omgsh, on Tuesday, Candace and Jehwet spent the night. xD I love them, and we always have such a good time together. I mean, how we decided to create that good time is a different story, bahahaha. Between the score-heavy TV commentary, the prank calls (yea we're 18, get at us), and the singing like the professional triplet we are (-does the dougie-), I don't know where I'm gonna find friends like them at. ): I'm tripping though, cuz I know they're not going anywhere. Thinking about them makes me way less bothered about other less stable interpersonal situations. <3
I miss Kimbra :l I also miss Chrystal and Eric, because not seeing them twice a week doesn't even sound right. My mood is elevated because I made a child smile, who I know had to be just about ready to throw up. Yayy me. I'm my favorite person today, ionoevencurr.
I kinda hope God grants me rest today. Like... all day. I just wanna sleep, man! And it's not like I don't deserve it, given the new AWESOME sleeping pattern I've developed. Like, I don't even wanna deal with stuff today.
Blah.
There comes a time in life when you realize that all the bull is for the birds. And then there's another more epic time when you realize that most of these characters floating around here aren't anything but vultures. Shortly thereafter, there is a most liberating time when you throw your deuces up, move on to something better, stop tryna make it work, and say bye-bye. And it's like, you know they're gonna be mad, but so what? Wish them best of luck, but now it's time to throw them deuces up.
Oh, Chris Brown, why are you so real?
Yesterday a grown person that I trust very much supported my reconstruction project. Who wants to really guard their heart more than they can give it away? Not me. Do you know how much love I have inside my cute little self? I wish I could just love freely, without caution, and there be no consequence. But that's not how this works. And I'm out of excuses. Cuz when you tell the truth, I guess there aren't any left to make, lol. Sigh, so back to hiding it is... Err, assuming I can remember the place where no one ever found me.
I hate when small children are hurting about and affected by things that are far beyond their control. xl
Jesus Christ of Nazarene, Son of Man, Lamb of God, Savior who died and rose again on the thrid day: where You at, Bro? Like I'm not mad at Him by any means. I'm learning to accept the fact that life sucks and then you die and there's not too much you can do to make it stop if God lets such dysfunction slip through His hands and all over your life. I worship at church full-heartedly for the God I've known Him to be in these past two years. I try to sing His praises..? I try to read His word..? I try to talk to Him..? I just haven't seen His face in a good minute, and I probably miss it more than I can even explain.
SO MUCH STUFF IS NEITHER RIGHT, NOR PROPER IN THIS TRIFLING WORLD! xO
Someone with less power should have more of my trust. That sounds really intelligent. Dang, that sounds so intelligent. So shout out to Miles Brown for being that guy (: Half the time he doesn't even know what I'm talking (screaming) about, but he always listens. He's still short though :P Thank you.
But omgsh, on Tuesday, Candace and Jehwet spent the night. xD I love them, and we always have such a good time together. I mean, how we decided to create that good time is a different story, bahahaha. Between the score-heavy TV commentary, the prank calls (yea we're 18, get at us), and the singing like the professional triplet we are (-does the dougie-), I don't know where I'm gonna find friends like them at. ): I'm tripping though, cuz I know they're not going anywhere. Thinking about them makes me way less bothered about other less stable interpersonal situations. <3
I miss Kimbra :l I also miss Chrystal and Eric, because not seeing them twice a week doesn't even sound right. My mood is elevated because I made a child smile, who I know had to be just about ready to throw up. Yayy me. I'm my favorite person today, ionoevencurr.
I kinda hope God grants me rest today. Like... all day. I just wanna sleep, man! And it's not like I don't deserve it, given the new AWESOME sleeping pattern I've developed. Like, I don't even wanna deal with stuff today.
Blah.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
#inthename
I feel all grown up today.
Yesterday was a trip... and back. But the God I serve is awesome in power, and never lets me go. He's like a GPS. He knows where you're at, and where you're going. Yea, we may mess up and make a wrong turn, but what happens when you get off track with a GPS? It recalculates. Glory, glory, thank You Jesus! I guess when you're one of His chosen, mess ups get changed into major bless ups. I can't even begin to tell it all.
You know when Peter walked on water, he only sank because he took his eyes off Jesus. Pause. Let that set for however long you need. I was sinking, because my eyes were on the instability of this world, and not on the one true everlasting God. I couldn't understand because I didn't have any perspective. I have some now. I have a lot of it. And I have peace. The peace of God has surpassed what has been revealed to me, as well what is still a mystery. I can't even begin to tell it all.
"Garbage in, garbage out" is a real life epidemic! What you pour into yourself is exactly what you're going to get out. And those things don't even necessarily have to be evil, but how quickly they can become just that. So in the name of Jesus, my heart will not continue to overpower my mind. It is simple. I will pour into myself more knowledge of the holy, and less deceit of the heart. How quickly things manifest into something so consuming. The only thing I desire to be consumed by is Holy Spirit fire.
Earlier today, I had a nudge to read scripture. Hebrews, to be exact. And so I read it, all of it, that I might hear from God. I heard plain as day. Hebrews 11:10 says, "For he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God." There is only one plan that has solid ground: that of our Lord Jesus. How many times have we seen our own ideas fall under the pressure of their own weight. So now I will just wait. Hebrews 11:30 says that by faith, the walls of Jericho fell down. Do you know what was behind that barricade, those walls? God's promise of a hope and a future! In the name of Jesus, I'm getting to my promise, because I believe. Oh, how I believe.
The glory is all over this last one. Hebrews 12:13 says to make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. [lame - (adj.) impaired or disabled through defect or injury] Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. If your heart has been broken, it doesn't mean to stop loving. If you have been betrayed, it doesn't mean to stop trusting. It means reach Up for the spirit of healing. Jesus... Jesus... Jesus...
My heart is heavy in anticipation of the presence of the Lord. I feel like something is going to happen during worship tonight, even if it is solely within my own heart. I'm going to meet Him. Darkness has come into the most brilliant light and it ends tonight. In the name of JESUS.
Yesterday was a trip... and back. But the God I serve is awesome in power, and never lets me go. He's like a GPS. He knows where you're at, and where you're going. Yea, we may mess up and make a wrong turn, but what happens when you get off track with a GPS? It recalculates. Glory, glory, thank You Jesus! I guess when you're one of His chosen, mess ups get changed into major bless ups. I can't even begin to tell it all.
You know when Peter walked on water, he only sank because he took his eyes off Jesus. Pause. Let that set for however long you need. I was sinking, because my eyes were on the instability of this world, and not on the one true everlasting God. I couldn't understand because I didn't have any perspective. I have some now. I have a lot of it. And I have peace. The peace of God has surpassed what has been revealed to me, as well what is still a mystery. I can't even begin to tell it all.
"Garbage in, garbage out" is a real life epidemic! What you pour into yourself is exactly what you're going to get out. And those things don't even necessarily have to be evil, but how quickly they can become just that. So in the name of Jesus, my heart will not continue to overpower my mind. It is simple. I will pour into myself more knowledge of the holy, and less deceit of the heart. How quickly things manifest into something so consuming. The only thing I desire to be consumed by is Holy Spirit fire.
Earlier today, I had a nudge to read scripture. Hebrews, to be exact. And so I read it, all of it, that I might hear from God. I heard plain as day. Hebrews 11:10 says, "For he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God." There is only one plan that has solid ground: that of our Lord Jesus. How many times have we seen our own ideas fall under the pressure of their own weight. So now I will just wait. Hebrews 11:30 says that by faith, the walls of Jericho fell down. Do you know what was behind that barricade, those walls? God's promise of a hope and a future! In the name of Jesus, I'm getting to my promise, because I believe. Oh, how I believe.
The glory is all over this last one. Hebrews 12:13 says to make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. [lame - (adj.) impaired or disabled through defect or injury] Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. If your heart has been broken, it doesn't mean to stop loving. If you have been betrayed, it doesn't mean to stop trusting. It means reach Up for the spirit of healing. Jesus... Jesus... Jesus...
My heart is heavy in anticipation of the presence of the Lord. I feel like something is going to happen during worship tonight, even if it is solely within my own heart. I'm going to meet Him. Darkness has come into the most brilliant light and it ends tonight. In the name of JESUS.
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