#curtaincall

I'm just a little sad at the moment.

My bestfriend broke up with me last night. You read that correctly. I think there might be more to it, but he simply just doesn't feel the same as he did in the beginning. That's not his fault. He can't help the way he feels, just like I can't help the way it hurts.

The let down was so straight and narrow. Nothing was the way it should have been, for more time than I knew I could stand. Who really wants to let go-- of their bestfriend at that. He said that the relationship stopped being in the best interest of our friendship, which we'd agreed from the beginning to always put first. He was right. He was forgetting the song in my heart, and it didn't matter whether or not I knew his; the details are terrible.

Neither one of us are dumb, and there isn't that much hope (or even denial) in the world. The last efforts to keep us were genuine... weren't they? Except that they only sharpened the blade. I was ready to just let go, until the last efforts distorted my vision and pumped the blood back into my heart.

So I couldn't directly see what was coming, and my heart beat as if everything were going to be okay. Last night was rough, and long. I tried to keep from crying, and I was at times deliberately hurtful. We were both so broken: for different reasons that perhaps still won't ever be okay. He said he doesn't know what God has planned.

This is a new type of hurt. Jerrett says heartbreak is its own sickness. He's not lyin, lol. I'm tired. Five hours of heavily interrupted sleep doesn't work out too well. My stomach doesn't even do its job anymore, and throwing up is so disgusting. Crying really does hurt my self esteem.

Last night I was hurting. This morning I was vengeful; I used mean words and did immature things. I don't think anyone can really blame me though, lol. And then out of nowhere, its like God gave me a much needed hug, and I was peaceful. I didn't wanna get wasted tonight, (something that had been planned since Wednesday) I didn't wanna raise hell-- I wanted my bestfriend back. I found a pair of big girl panties to wear long enough to tell him that, ha.

All of this is more complicated than it has to be. Last night I thought my bestfriend didn't have a choice but to leave right along side my boyfriend. But right now I need my bestfriend to hold me and tell me that the pain my ex is causing will come to pass. I mean... you guys do realize that's the same person, right? I wonder who my heart will recognize on Sunday.

This is mostly awful, but I have a great support system: Jennifer, Magen, Candace, Alice, Jerrett, Alisha, Devon, Durdana, Usama, Kylieboo, and my very bestfriend Matthew. My mom was there for me at three in the morning when she probably shouldn't have even been awake. My dad called and made sure he didn't need to go hunt anyone down. He's sweet, right? My BFF Jamee came and babysat so I wouldn't sit in the house and go crazy. We ran some errands, and she bought me a freaking amazing bead set. Don't judge me.

I guess it's New Years Eve, huh. My mom's going out. Kylieboo invited me to her party, but I think I'm gonna spend this one alone. Or maybe I'll invite God. I still haven't prayed. I need to stop worrying.

I'm probably more than just a little sad at the moment.

#twentytwentysurgery

And the lyrics are as follows:

I'll take with me every single luxury when I leave
You could count on me for that and nothing more
(Count on me for that and nothing more)
The view from this side's not what
The view from this side's not what
I thought it'd be, promise something differently
Close our eyes and let go of the wheel

It's not the quantity that bothers me
(no it's not the quantity that bothers me)
No it's not the quality that bothers me... it's the means

Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
For cheap, dollar signs are up, for picture perfect point of view

Well all young children listen, 'cause they've got so much to learn
(Turn it in, turn it in)
We'll get you home in time to make the rent (should be for free for being me)

It's not the quantity that bothers me
(no it's not the quantity that bothers me)
No it's not the quality that bothers me... it's the means

Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
For cheap, dollar signs are up, for picture perfect point of view

I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
You don't you just don't... leave me alone.
I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
(I don't think you get it.)

Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
For cheap, dollar signs are up, for picture perfect point of view

You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.
You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.
You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.
You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.

-Taking Back Sunday

When it's all said and done, I'm sure I will have taken more than I ever had to offer. We knew better; we were told better. But wasn't this supposed to be something greater? Maybe my perception of what's great is just a little skewed. Maybe if we just stop steering, we'll get there.

Its not the fights, the resolves, the miscommunication, the distance, none of it. But if what we're getting is disproportionate to the work we're putting in... how much of this is worth it? The up and down just wears us out.

Look's like we've got some twenty-twenty surgery going on. Twenty-twenty surgery, you know? Open your eyes, and you've got perfect vision. The surgery, the change, costs less than everything we couldn't see without it.

We always fix it just in time-- just long enough to hold us over. Because who really wants to leave? I don't... because I can't help the way I feel. I guess you can't either, though.

We dont need this, but I still need you. I cant effing help the way I feel. I can't expect you to understand. I don't know what to do.

My heart has been shattered all too many times. I hope yours hasn't. I can't count on my heart, but I don't want my brain to be right. I want us to be right.

#merrychristmas

My Matthew is greater than your whoever, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. I cant believe he came over here without a jacket, though D:< Yea, let him get sick. He's freaking cute in pink. Like, omgsh.

This morning I woke up and I wasn't in the spirit at all. I hid in my bed for like an hour, because I wanted my mommy to think I was still sleep. Alisha talked me into going downstairs and being social, so I did. Then we came back upstairs and opened presents. My mommy got me the CUTEST watch. Haha, you know what she put in my stocking? Scratch-offs, wassuuuuuup!

Good stuff, right? But the presents still didn't necessarily make me feel better, because at this point I still wanted to set the Christmas tree on fire. Omgsh, and then my mommy started irritating the crap out of me. Her Christmas spirit was crashing with my scrooge spirit and it was just not working. But then... something amazing happened. Jaggy heard I was having a bad day and came over and gave me a hug before he went out to see his other friend. I don't know; that really helped cheer me up. He is Christian, but his family his Hindu, and so they weren't celebrating at all, yet he had more Christmas spirit than me.

I talked to my grandma. I love her! She's cooking dinner for her and her boo, and omgsh shes so fly. I swear she's 21 on the inside. I think I'll go up there this summer :3

So then here comes my Matthew, cute as CRAP in his pink Hollister shirt, bringing me the most ahmazing snuggie you will never own. And if you do have a pink snuggie, its not the same, cuz it wasn't from my Matthew. I'm positively going to be smiling for the next six hours.

I really feel like I have so many legit reasons to be down about today; I'm so disappointed in myself. It's like Christmas came and now its about to leave and... ugh, I don't even know. But you know what?! God is so good. This is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus! My life would SUCK without Jesus! Happy Birthday, Friend! Ahhh...!

So my dad is about to come get me, so I can have Christmas over there with him, his gf, his gfs daughter, his gfs daughter's bf, and his gfs brother (LOL this all sounds so ghetto). More presents, I think? I wonder what my dad ended up getting me. His girlfriend BETTER had got me something. We're having steak and crab legs for dinner. Delicious. I hope all goes well.

My life is good. The people in my life are greater. My God is THE greatest. Merry Christmas, everyone <3

#ghettochristmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. That's cute.

I am heavily disappointed in myself this Christmas. And it's for reasons I probably shouldn't be, but I can't help it! Christmas is about giving, like how God gave His son, right? The only people who have gotten gifts from me are my palees, because its part of my grade. And their gifts weren't even that great! Last year my palees got things I knew they'd love, because I knew them. This year, they both got the same thing: two Junie B. Jones books. I'm so ashamed. Last year for my friends, I took the time to wrap up the big Hershey's chocolate bars and movie size boxes of candy, and gave them out. Ha, I remember Ria being SO excited to get that box of Sour Patch Kids because she's Muslim and it was the first Christmas gift she'd ever received. Reactions like hers make my heart super happy. Wanna know what I did this year? Not a dang thing. No candy canes, no generic cards, no nothing. It's my dads responsibility to get my mommy a present [funny how that works, huh], but I don't even have a card for her to read when she gets up on Saturday. This is so sad TT.TT

I haven't even managed to get my Matthew his present yet, and it's going to be soooo late. -_- I guess thats not my fault because of the transportation situation, but I still feel like garbage. And he's so thoughtful! He was going to get me a stuffed pony; my eyes totally got watery when he told me that. You guys don't understand, its kay. Apparently now it's something better, though. What could be better than a stuffed pony? I don't know. He's so thoughtful, and I'm so not. Ugh.

At the same time though, I haven't asked anyone for anything, not even my parents. As far as material things go, I'd say I have everything I need: my stereo, my iPod, my phone, my camera... what's left? I wouldn't DARE ask him to buy me clothes. I'll hold out on asking for a new laptop till graduation. Ha, my dad, he's so cute. He called me today from the mall, asking what I wanted (even though I've told him a number of times I don't need anything), and he got mad at me! You'd think after all the stuff I ask him for on a regular basis, he'd just run with it. My mom got an attitude, too, when I told her I didn't want anything, but what's new? Maybe I haven't asked for anything because I feel bad for not giving. Or maybe its just different this year; you guys won't believe how my priorities have changed.

As ghetto as this Christmas is turning out to be, I really have tried to be in the spirit-- way more than I have in the past. In the past, my mentality was "the Christmas tree and decorations can all suck it." Up until last year, Christmas had gone from bad to worse, and I was tired of getting excited for disasters. It's already a struggle for me to be happy during holidays that celebrate family, because well... duh. This year though, I put up the tree before my mommy could even come upstairs to help. Thats a big step for me, guys.

I'm going to my dad's house for Christmas dinner. I haven't been over there for Christmas since, like, fifth grade. That should be... interesting. I honestly have no clue how Saturdays events will go, or how I'll be feeling when I wake up. But I know I'm gonna be celebrating Jesus all day. He is the reason for the season, after all :3

#tonguetiedandterrified

Right now, I need for an abundance of people to bum-rush me with a whole list of good things that happened to them today.

I didn't go to church yesterday. But apparently I didn't miss too much. Everyone that did go seemed to be miserable, and Jacob wasn't there. You know what I did do yesterday? Watch Sunday Night Ramp service. Thaaat was some good stuff. Casey, his cute self, was talking about a lot of things. 1] How sometimes Christians get jealous of other Christians blessings and position. 2] How the church is NOT a democracy, and seniority does not determine your power. 3] How sometimes Satan will attack us right after an advance, because we'll stop seeking once we reach our "goals". 4] How sometimes the same characteristics God blessed us with, Satan uses against us. I could really relate to that one. God blessed me with a really big heart to love on people, but that same heart is used way too often to hurt those who hurt me, or even who have the potential to hurt me. He said that people are most commonly disqualified from their blessings, because of their tongue. Yeaaaaa. He talked about how God is just as quick to forget our sins, as he is to forget our righteousness when we start acting up. I'm still not sure how I feel about that one, lol. I need to watch the Ramp wayy more often.

Dood, I need a perm. And a magic carpet too, huh. Ha.

I'm on the way back up, it feels. Crashing from that spiritual high I had been on for so long, was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. And when I started to pick myself up from the floor, I immediately wanted to get back what I had: but it doesn't work that way. And so now I'm just starting over, and thats exactly what is it. I remind myself of how I was when I first started to take my walk seriously, lol. Waking up for church on Sunday mornings is a problem again. I don't read my bible. I'm starting to pray, but I'm not quite there yet. I need a muzzle, again. I guess if God has forgotten how good I was doing, I ought to also. Its not coming back anytime soon, and remembering just makes me seek Him with my flesh, and not with my heart.

I helped Alisha today, so that she wouldn't put herself through the same foolery my mistakes and miscommunication put me through. That made me feel good. Me and Durdana are supposed to eat delicious food and study for Macadec tomorrow. She better not bail on me. I need her.

Here's tongue-tied: I love you. I think terrified speaks for itself.

#screamlouder

Taking Back Sunday and Mayday Parade before school this morning. I woke up in that kind of mood. And then I put on a shirt that says "we will be the hopeful", lmao. I slept GOOD last night, weird right?

My last Christmas concert was tonight. OMGSH I SAW SPENCER. And I saw Andy :] SO glad that crap is over, though. We sounded like garbage, but jazz band and wind symphony made me proud! I really do love music, but somehow band is still the darkest part of my life, and that's saying a lot. We get to turn in our uniforms tomorrow. Yes, please, take that nonsense away from me.

I have epic news. I'm not going to Winterfest this year, and I didn't even cry about it (almost). My acadec competition is on the same days. The interesting part is that it didn't cross my mind to not go to the competition. It's like I was on auto-unselfish mode. I didn't even think I had an unselfish mode, much less an automatic one. "Mehmeh, but Winterfest will help..." YEA, hush. God is the same those two days as He always has been and will be. But who's gonna make sure Jacob pays attention?! It's kay; this just confirms the fact that MACDEC 2010 IS GOING TO STATE: cuz if I'm missing Winterfest for them, we better.

Omgsh, guys. Advanced Health was soooo funny today. Huda was filling in for someone, playing the mean girl. And so she said her line, something about Jason being a loser, and some brilliant kid goes "LOOK WHO'S TALKING!" PAHAHAHAHA. That was too funny fer real life. That poor child got in so much trouble, though.

I completely started crying in the hallway before fifth period on the way to make up a test. And after I finished my test, I got another "You aren't yourself," from Mrs. Harper. She asked what was wrong and I cried (again -_-) and told her I just needed a cry day and that I don't even know why I came to school. She's the sweetest thing ever. She gave me a hug and told me I could talk to her whenever. Thaaat made my heart warm. <3

I'm in a rather cynical mood, it seems. I can imagine that won't be very good for the conversation I'm about to have. It's two down, tomorrow, and however many to go. *Insert a bunch of stuff I wish I could discuss on here*

Love is like fire. It takes everything, whether you're ready or not. It's dangerous, and hurtful. You have to be careful, but no one ever is. It spreads faster than you want it to... and then it burns out. None of it is fair.

College, college, college.

#notmyselftonight

Two, freakin, days. I need this break.

I've acquired a supernatural inner peace regarding this whole college thing. And yea, I finally quit tripping and started my applications. You guys know how cute I am. I saw Boston University and fell directly in love. It's not in Texas, it's in the north, it's far from everything I've always hated: BEAUTIFUL. And then (praise God) I realized that I am still indeed, well, myself. I'm not ready to leave. SHUT UP, I've been ready to leave since eighth grade! I really am just a baby, though. What if I go all the way up there and absolutely hate it. I'll be stranded and there won't even be anything I can do about it. I visited Dallas Baptist University and imagined myself growing up there. They'll foster my already fragile spirituality, and I won't be isolated from the things I've come to love. And after four years, when I still hate Texas, I'll be more grown up and can venture off safely wherever I want for my masters. So now I wanna go there. My ever-blossoming <3 for WB'S wants me to go there, too :P But does anyone know how I'm gonna pay for any of this? It's kay. God does. See what I'm talking about?

Macadec 2010 is going to state, just sayin'. It's because we have swagg. (: I'ma need my SAT scores to come back. I know I beasted that test and the proof would be GREAT. Irving Schools Foundation scholarships are more far than they should be.

I love Josh! He preached tonight. He's such a dork, my favorite <3. What consumes your heart? I couldn't think of a specific thing, but I know whatever it is, it's all wrong. Altar call was pretty epic. "Tears swelled from the bottom of my stomach, and although I couldn't speak..." I hope He understood.

What am I doing these days, and more importantly: why? I don't remember, so why am I still participating? But how could I have forgotten? What are you doing? Do you still remember? It's not the same, but maybe its not supposed to be.

I HATE having my character misjudged. I hate being judged period. If you don't know me, you don't have anything to say about me, end of story. I don't care what you think you know because you have the URL to my blog, kay? I dislike being misunderstood, but I don't expect anyone to know better. Stiiiiiiill bitter. Way attractive, right? Whatever (but that's a bad word).

"You don't act like yourself." People who notice change make my heart warm; and perhaps I don't act like myself anymore, but do you really know who I am in the first place? Gotcha.

So perhaps I'll be myself tonight: the one I know, not any of you.