#curtaincall

I'm just a little sad at the moment.

My bestfriend broke up with me last night. You read that correctly. I think there might be more to it, but he simply just doesn't feel the same as he did in the beginning. That's not his fault. He can't help the way he feels, just like I can't help the way it hurts.

The let down was so straight and narrow. Nothing was the way it should have been, for more time than I knew I could stand. Who really wants to let go-- of their bestfriend at that. He said that the relationship stopped being in the best interest of our friendship, which we'd agreed from the beginning to always put first. He was right. He was forgetting the song in my heart, and it didn't matter whether or not I knew his; the details are terrible.

Neither one of us are dumb, and there isn't that much hope (or even denial) in the world. The last efforts to keep us were genuine... weren't they? Except that they only sharpened the blade. I was ready to just let go, until the last efforts distorted my vision and pumped the blood back into my heart.

So I couldn't directly see what was coming, and my heart beat as if everything were going to be okay. Last night was rough, and long. I tried to keep from crying, and I was at times deliberately hurtful. We were both so broken: for different reasons that perhaps still won't ever be okay. He said he doesn't know what God has planned.

This is a new type of hurt. Jerrett says heartbreak is its own sickness. He's not lyin, lol. I'm tired. Five hours of heavily interrupted sleep doesn't work out too well. My stomach doesn't even do its job anymore, and throwing up is so disgusting. Crying really does hurt my self esteem.

Last night I was hurting. This morning I was vengeful; I used mean words and did immature things. I don't think anyone can really blame me though, lol. And then out of nowhere, its like God gave me a much needed hug, and I was peaceful. I didn't wanna get wasted tonight, (something that had been planned since Wednesday) I didn't wanna raise hell-- I wanted my bestfriend back. I found a pair of big girl panties to wear long enough to tell him that, ha.

All of this is more complicated than it has to be. Last night I thought my bestfriend didn't have a choice but to leave right along side my boyfriend. But right now I need my bestfriend to hold me and tell me that the pain my ex is causing will come to pass. I mean... you guys do realize that's the same person, right? I wonder who my heart will recognize on Sunday.

This is mostly awful, but I have a great support system: Jennifer, Magen, Candace, Alice, Jerrett, Alisha, Devon, Durdana, Usama, Kylieboo, and my very bestfriend Matthew. My mom was there for me at three in the morning when she probably shouldn't have even been awake. My dad called and made sure he didn't need to go hunt anyone down. He's sweet, right? My BFF Jamee came and babysat so I wouldn't sit in the house and go crazy. We ran some errands, and she bought me a freaking amazing bead set. Don't judge me.

I guess it's New Years Eve, huh. My mom's going out. Kylieboo invited me to her party, but I think I'm gonna spend this one alone. Or maybe I'll invite God. I still haven't prayed. I need to stop worrying.

I'm probably more than just a little sad at the moment.