#brokenthings

discourage - (v.) 1. to deprive of courage, hope, or confidence; dishearten; dispirit 2. to dissuade 3. to obstruct by opposition or difficulty; hinder

Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of courage? "Be brave", right? But I don't even think I remember what being being brave requires, no matter how far the standards have been lowered. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of hope? Hope means believing for the good things you can't see; but it's one thing to not see the good, and it's another for the bad to be ever-present and reoccurring. Have I ever been so discouraged, so deprived of confidence? The emptiest words I catch myself saying these days are: "It'll be okay." I don't say that in faith, I say that out of habit, and perhaps because that's what I hear. Garbage in, garbage out, I suppose.

Have I ever been so disheartened? The same things that keep my heart beating through the day do well in stopping it through the night. Nirvana is and always has been more appealing than this fluctuating hot and cold. How can I find that place? Have I ever been so dispirited? Assuredly I say to you, I have not. Waking up wish you hadn't because the meaning of your days is missing is a most devastating feeling. How can you breathe without air? Life support is undesirable and equally inadequate. Have I ever been so dissuaded? I have. But those dissuasive properties have yet to diminish and the weight is piling up. I will say that this is a different type of dissuasion: lighter according to general perception, but terribly heavy on the heart.

Have I ever felt so obstructed by opposition or difficulty? Time will tell, but I'm afraid of what it will say. I think any person will only stand for so much obstruction before they cease construction altogether. But when I think about everything I worked so hard to build, even against all the original blockades, I genuinely am overcome with anger. I was taught that things were to come together for my good, not come together to break me down. But then again, let's consider what other things I've been taught. The pattern is definitely holding true.

The moral of the story is that I really need to stop getting my hopes up. I swear I'm let down every time. And every fall breaks more than I can even begin to piece back together.

#christmaslove

I remember the first year I decided Christmas was of the devil. Like, I can specifically recall the things that made me give up on this holiday. It was the first time in a while I'd been to my grandmother's house, and ugh, it's so awful there. And it was awful on Christmas too. I woke up at 6 in the morning to people screaming at each other... on Christmas. I'm shuttering at the thought. Really. I was too young.

So all the Christmas holidays after that were kind of... just whatever. I didn't care to get up early and see what I'd gotten. Sometimes my mom had to force me to put up the tree with her, and there were years we didn't even put up a tree at all. It didn't make a difference to me. I barely cared enough to ask for anything. I'm a natural giver at heart so that aspect only slightly wavered.

The majority of that stolen Christmas spirit was restored which I discovered the real meaning. You know? Jesus is the reason for the season. So for the past two years no matter what gifts I couldn't give or didn't receive, I had joy. Little baby Jesus was born and you couldn't tell me NOTHING.

But this year isn't like last year. I don't have the joy of Jesus in my heart. So I woke up this morning and thought about the Christmas experience that other people must be having. Those with families and faith and giving and receiving. I've had faith, and I've had giving and receiving, but I've never had family. And this year I was under the impression that I wouldn't have any of them.

I'm spending this time with my daddy. Prior to today, I hadn't seen my mother in 10 days and barely spoken to her between time, via text message at that. It's crazy to be away from her like this, especially when I should be home, but I know it will be good for us given the circumstances that encouraged my decision to be here instead of there.

I came in and gave my mommy a hug and told her merry Christmas and all that jazz. It felt good. She was getting ready for church, and I decided I'd go with her so that we'd actually spend time together while I was in Irving. I was definitely in pajamas and we needed to leave in like 15 minutes, so I ran upstairs to get dressed. Except, I was stopped dead in my tracks by a stack of presents. I asked before I touched because I didn't think they were for me, but they were. And when she said they were, I just cried. I can't even explain the feeling I had. So I gave her another hug and cried some more.

I got a pair of earrings (super cute story behind them), a red sweater dress (that I'm wearing right now because it was so cute), red vans (YES), a bunch of pajamas that are completely grandma-like (but she tried so it's okay), and this really cute army green military style jacket that I can't wait to figure out what to wear with. SWAG. I think there's some more stuff that I forgot, but, you know.

Church was typical but somehow I'm kind of glad I went. It was so weird to leave my house on Christmas, but like I said, I know this is best. But it really didn't help that she made Thanksgiving dinner again... because ham is disgusting. Lol it's okay. I'm gonna go home tomorrow night and spend Tuesday with her. We're going to dinner and shopping in Lewisville, my treat.

So now I'm back at my dads house curled up in the NY Giants blanket he got me, and I can say it's a good Christmas. (There isn't a tree up here either, btw. Scrooge runs in the family.) But we're eating crab legs for dinner and I'M EXCITED. My dad's funky girlfriend went out of town so that's always nice (:

The title of this post was inspired by Justin Bieber.

"Baby, I will not pout; baby, I will not cry. Cuz I got your love this Christmas time. When the snow's on the ground, and it's freezing outside, I got your love this Christmas time. On every list I've ever sent, you're the gift I'd love the best. So deck the halls and all the rest; warm me up. Hey angel in the snow, I'm under the mistletoe. You are the one; you're my very own Christmas love. Tell Santa I'm cool this year, my present is standing right here. Thank God above, for my very own Christmas love. Like a beautiful tree, you can light up the room, but your kind of star can't be removed. Like a beautiful carol, I get lost in your song, and I will forever sing along."

And that's exactly how I feel. I love you, Matthew Paul.

Merry Christmas to you all <3

#whatamidoing

I've been doing some things you all might not agree with. I've been thinking about some things that might break your hearts. I don't mean any harm; not to any of you, anyway.

Everything I ever said I'd never do has made its way into my life. I say it like it's all been coincidental or even convenient, but it's been said I chased this stuff down. And I can get with that. Empty is as empty does. Do you guys know what empty does? Empty has rough nights and dreads the mornings. Empty would rather be drunk and high than have to deal with her sober realities for one more minute. Empty holds on to vanity because it won't go anywhere unless she lets it. Empty used to cry, and Empty still cries; she will probably never escape the tears but she's already become vastly immune to much of the pain. And more than any of these, Empty no longer desires to be here.

I want to go back but I don't even know what got me here to begin with. I remember when I was chasing after Jesus (the right stuff), full speed fersure, and then suddenly I felt so abandoned and lost and I didn't wanna go to school, I didn't really know what I wanted to do. And no matter how other things affected me, or how people and the circumstances they created for me got me down, or even through the mistakes I made by my own right, God never gave me peace. But I fought it all. I tried to pray through it and I tried not to throw away the things I'd thought to be true. I fought it all to the death of me, and that's just what I've ended up with: death.

My faith is terribly misplaced, if not just lost forever. And everyone who sees what's happened to me misunderstands this for hypocrisy. But that's not what this is at all. If you ask me what I think I'll tell you about Jesus and I'll mean it. Just because it wasn't true for me, that doesn't mean it won't be true for someone else. And I want it to be true for everyone because this is rough and I wouldn't ever want company in this kind of misery.

Thinking about what my babies would say if they knew the depths of this makes me sick. It's not okay for them to turn into me and I don't want them to disqualify everything I was in the past and everything I've told them to be and how to act. I know some grown ups that are probably having a heart attack behind this. I know a certain somebody that's having an especially hard time with this. And the details of our interactions mean that his hard times increase my own.

Someone told me I'm more angry and less tolerant. I can get with that, too. The anger is a product of my impatience but I guess I just got tired of waiting. You know? I'm holding my tongue for some people who already have wonderfully developed opinions of me and my character. But not even for my sake.

But that's not all I've been doing. I'll have to get back to you all later.

#thankful

Hey so it's Thanksgiving. What's with this holiday, though? Shouldn't we be thankful for our blessings more than one time a year? Right. But eating like an obese person is always fun. Swag. And like, why am I awake? Anyway...

I know I am such a Negative Nancy all the time and you'd think that on the one day we're supposed to reflect on the positives, I'd figure out how to be a Polly but noooo. Today, I am SO not thankful for being a girl. Not at all. I can't deal. But I'ma try to get off it; and PLEASEPLEASEPLEASE, someone who's reading this, ask me about it.

This morning I'm really thankful for the God I serve. He doesn't have to be there for me, or keep any of His promises, but He always does. The consistency of my God is really important to me because not many people on this earth ever stay the same, and not even myself, not even when I want to be. His love is ever-present, and His grace and His mercy and His power. Serving a powerful God means a lot teo me because in all of my strength, I am still so weak. I could go on forever. Couldn't you? Every good and perfect gift is from above and comes down from the Father of lights. Oh, give thanks to the Lord; for He is good!

I'm thankful for waking up this morning. You know? For having another day to right my wrongs and find right-standing with God. It's definitely been a search for me these days; and perhaps I'm just negotiating with the devil, but sometimes my actions feel more justified than my inaction. Nonetheless, today is a beautiful day and I'm blessed to have the opportunity to live it. Some people weren't granted this day; have you considered that?

I've been blessed with the most wonderful friendships. I love those friends you've had since elementary school and middle school, and although the dynamics of those friendships vary throughout the years, you've still got them, and they've still got you. Jehwet, Jennifer, Ashley, Candace, Alice, Taylor, Taylor again: I love you guys. Jaggy, Jordan, Karen: I'm so blessed to have your friendship. Those friends we acquire in high school are so iffy it's almost sickening, but through all the questionables and all the hard times, I kept a few. Alicia, Emily, Alisha, Hector, Andres, Chris, Eman, Sheyla: I'm so thankful for you all. I love that friend that loves you more than anyone and knows you more than anyone and deals with more of your crap than anyone. I love that friend you haven't known as long as the others, but it feels like it's been forever anyway, and you know it also will be forever: best friends forever. I love that guy; his name is Matthew Argenbright.

This just in: I'M REALLY FREAKING THANKFUL FOR MY PARENTS. Holy crap, my mom just saved the day so hard. We fight sometimes, actually, we fight all the time. And it gets really hurtful, but omgsh I'm bout to cry because she just made me feel so good. She's helpful in times like this cuz I'm pretty sure I got my epic girlness from her anyway. AHH! And I'm thankful for my daddy. Fer some reason, we've been getting closer since college started. We tell each other "I love you" and I'm still not used to that but, I like it. And I love him <3 AHHH. Shoutout to my mom, though!

I'm so thankful for my church family. Grace Pointe, and the people I've come to love by going there. Chrystal Cole is such a mom, MY mom. She doesn't even have kids but I'm gonna be a mom like her. Eric Cole is such a dad. He's strict and stern but I know he'd fight a bear for me. I have some really cool aunts and uncles like Michelle and Jamee and David and Gabriel, and Bekah and Nicole. And then I got all these cute little brothers and sisters running around everywhere: Krystal, Lauren, Hannah, Karla, Magen, Elizabeth, Shelby, Lane, Zach, Kylie, and Shey. We're all just really cute because it runs in the family. And my babies are Amber, Connor, Jacob, Josh, and Jared. They're so precious. See how blessed I am, guys? So favored of God.

Some of the other things I'm thankful for include: my fabulous bed, Justin Bieber, my school, all this delicious food I smell, anddd Justin Bieber again.

But like, I have things to do and people to see, so I'm out! Happy Thanksgiving to you all. <3

#imissyou

Justin Bieber is blasting through my house as we speak.

So this morning I missed church. Shocker, huh? No? Oh. WELL! Yea... this morning my alarm went off and I denied that thing so quick. I was up till 2 worrying about the various shenanigans that have become part of my nature over the months and years, and I promise I hate it all. Just not enough to cast it out, huh? The issue of exactly how to heal this hurt is still up for debate, sadly. Maybe I'll have some answers tomorrow. Sike, I probably won't. Womp.

But since I missed church, I did the next best thing and watched a service online. Shoutout to technology. I wish it could have been Grace Pointe, but I settled fer Calvary. BUT they did Rise and Sing during worship and it made me smile, cuz Grace Pointe does that song too. The word was good. It was about Psalm 121. It says that our help comes from the Lord! How true is that? How many times have we consulted the creation instead of the Creator and nothing has changed? He alone is the great Helper, forever and ever, amen. It says that He will not allow our feet to slip, because He is not like us, needing a moment of rest. He won't let us fall on our faces (But how many of us truly feel like we're already there?), nor are we ever caught outside of His protection. Hallelujah. The seventh verse of that chapter says "The Lord shall preserve you from all evil." That doesn't mean we will never be tempted, but that with every temptation God will also provide a way of escape. How many of us need to make use of that kind of grace? Me, me, me.

And then I finished the second half of Mark. I read the first half on Tuesday, but I kept putting off the rest. Silly me. I always ask God to make the scripture come alive and bless my soul before I read, and glory to God, He never disappoints. In Mark 9:23-24 says "Jesus said to him, 'If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief.'" That's so me right there. I believe, but help my unbelief! Ugh. No words to describe the depth of that scripture. And then there was the part where the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn't cast out a specific demon, and Jesus said "This kind can come out by nothing but prayer and fasting." I think I've got some of those special demons that take extra work. A fast is definitely in the forecast. The prayer that Jesus sends up before His crucifixion is pure gold. "Abba, Father, all things are possible for You. Take this cup away from Me; nevertheless, not what I will, but what You will." Jesus says that God can do it all, but that whatever He does (or does not) do, it will be His will. Gorgeous.

My favorite part in today's journey through the bible was Mark 10:9. It says "What God has joined together, let not man separate." The context is divorce, and that's powerful enough on it's own. But I stopped to think about the other things God joins together, or ordains. He's joined together He and I by the blood of Christ Jesus. And what are the things of man? Shame, pride, lust, guilt, selfishness, sin as a whole. What God has joined together, let not pride separate. It speaks to me.

And now to the shallow nothings of this life. I went super shopping today and got some good stuff for cheap. I saw my Giants lose, when it totally could have gone into overtime. Um. I think that's it. xD LOL. OHHH! The other day I think God gave me a vision of my future bedroom. Guy's the plans I hope God have for me are so legit. Like, the room was wonderful. It was spacious and open and the bathroom was delicious and beautiful and there's no way I can even help you guys see what I saw. But it's gonna be good. I think about what I want for my future a lot. Maybe I'm getting old. But speaking of the future, everyone stretch your hands this way and help me lift up this prayer:

Dear God, Father of all, Jesus, Savior and Master, my portion, my comfort, my everything... Please don't let this slip from my hands.

#ilovemybff

I went to church yesterday! My church! It was only the second time since I ran away. It's good to be back. I love those people. And now that I feel like I'm there by choice and not by habit, I feel independently accountable to God and perhaps not so condemned by people. Gahhh, I have SUCH a people-complex.

I got there later than I intended to, but I caught a little bit of Gabriel's Sunday school lesson. It was about being justified by faith. I had recently torn myself up about that very scripture, so I didn't miss too much. The sermon series I showed up just in time to hear is about Hell. Pastor Wooten is really sweet so these past two messages have been really gentle, but you can't even escape the harsh realities of scripture.

"If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell." I agree. I so agree. But which part ought to be severed when the nature of the sin is thoroughly all-consuming. Don't tempt me. (I hope I'm only kidding :P)

After church, I went to Taylor's house with Artaya and Alisha. We ate and then did the very same things we used to do back in the day. That little visit worked wonders for my heart. If only you guys knew.

Because I'm pretty sure I'm in the midst of a whatever-life crisis. Except I'm at the age where nobody will know unless I tell them. Swag? I go to a beautiful school and merely walking this campus speaks to me so much. But I don't wanna hear it. And what does it even say? I have so many questions and none of them will have answers any time soon. How fair is that?

Who is God? I know Him, I've walked with Him, I've even run from Him, I've cried out to Him, I believe in Him; that is not the issue. I do believe my faith in a good God has ceased to waver, but who is He? It drives me crazy to not understand. I know I'm not ever going to have a complete revelation of Him, but I feel starved because I've just been so confused, and when you think you're full, you're not. All I want for Christmas is a burning bush ):

Everything keeps changing. (Except the things that ought to, right? Ha.) There isn't any kind of consistency; not between the days and surely not between the weeks. I don't even want to consider the months. But I've been considering the years, and I've been considering them heavily. Yesterday, I laid in bed and looked at some of my blogs from last year and reflected on who I am now, how I've changed, and definitely the things that have changed me. I pinpointed the source of this ridiculous pride. I was intrigued, but I don't know why. It makes perfect sense. As much sense as this hamartia can have. And now that I think of it, it's never going to go away, LOL!

My mother and I will not ever be anything but biological relatives. I remember when I was little and I loved her so much because I didn't know the difference. And I remember a few years after that when I was all too educated on each of the differences: but the love never changed. And now I'm older: perhaps too old to be reaching for something that isn't going to materialize. I thought being away would change things, but the only real change is how often I have to tolerate the unchanged. I wish I had a mother I wanted to be like. I wish I had a mother who inspired me. My patience for her is so thin. I say how I feel now. You can imagine what comes of that. But she will reap what she has sown, as will I. It's a shame that daughters need mothers. Because the love will never change.

What is life? I want a good one. And a happy family. But please don't get me started. Everything changes so how can anything be certain for more than the moment it's decided? Mhmm, those questions that don't have answers... They'll haunt me for years. Somewhere around 9 years.

This blog is probably really heavy-hearted and perhaps partially morbid too, but I promise I'm okay. Cuz this Jesus music has been playing for hours. And I read my bible today. It's gotta sink in sometime, right? I kinda wanna go downstairs and stuff my face so that I'll come back to this dorm and pass out and just be done with today, but I do at least love myself a little bit more than that.

I love my BFF. You care. You just do. Grace be with you all. I'll probably need some too :P

#hurricane

Some things are just really hurtful. I'm going to try to be as indirect as possible, but I think you all know my heart by now.

Youth in itself is such a hurricane. You can't stop it, you just have to let the storm pass on it's own time. Maybe it'd be different if the eye of my storm was still spinning, still wreaking havoc in my life. And I suppose it is wreaking havoc, just in a different way. It appears to have stopped completely, but I'm silly to expect that same discipline in the lives of others. All I can do is wait.

The ever-occurring natural disasters of life will undoubtedly occur, and the nature of my own storm has become very still, but waiting doesn't mean risking everything you have trying to see clearly into the eye of the storm. The eye is peaceful, the eye is certain, the eye is pure, but you won't reach that safety and comfort trying to fight the winds that surround it. You will only hurt. I've learned that in this past year. Hurricanes obliterate everything in their paths, and the worst part is that the eye won't even recognize the damage until everything it once held near and dear is utterly destroyed.

So last night I evacuated, because I felt the eye of my storm starting to spin again, so perfectly distorting the peace, the certainty, the purity in my own conscience. Leaving is harder than it ever was meant to be. I cringed listening the pain I've inflicted. I remember what it's like to be left, and I remember saying that I'd never put anyone in the position I had once been put in. And now I've caused that same pain in the person I care most about. I guess now all I can do is be there and not create the same circumstance for him that were mistakenly created for me.

Guys, I love him. I don't expect any of you to understand. I'm not too sure I understand either. A lot of people could say "I told you so" right about now. But hey, I told me so before anyone else could get a word in. I hope I'm not the only one who's disappointed right now. People dismiss my part in this acutely painful situation, but things like this can't be one-sided. And I don't want them to be. I won't ever understand why love isn't all you need. I won't understand why everything I have doesn't suffice. Some things, things like this, are just really hurtful.

But it's all going to be fine soon enough. There's a God in heaven Who loves me, Who wouldn't have it any other way. There's a God in heaven Who wants to give me my hearts desire. I'll be fervently praying, because maybe after the hurricane...

To be honest, I'm not sure where to go from here. I better fix my eyes on Jesus, lest I will surely sink. I can't believe I stepped out on this water.

Peace be multiplied to you all.

#stilldesperate

I couldn't leave you guys like that :P

So this morning I went to church with my mommy and it was such a blessing. Except she kept introducing me to all of her little friends, and I HATE strangers, especially before 11:00. Calvary praise team is pure fire. The first song they did was "Deep Cries Out". BRO. I was just feeling that song yesterday! That song is so perfect for setting a mood of praise. No heart can resist the joy in in those words, ferseriously. Then some other song came on that I don't know, but I was getting my praise on anyway because they were rocking out. And then "Oh Happy Day" came on. As I lifted my hands and sang "Oh, what a glorious day, what a glorious way that You have saved us" I felt the shame deteriorating from my spirit. Shame is of the devil. God would prefer we repent and never look back. You know?

Then "Forever Reign" came on. I'm honestly surprised I didn't just fall into spiritual shock. He is good when there's nothing good in me. He is peace when my fear is crippling. So I'm gonna run to His arms, where the riches of His love will always be enough. I have to if I'm gonna make it through this life. As if I wasn't already about to die, the last song was "Like a Fire."

"Like a fire shut up in my bones, I want the world to know You are God. With a passion burning deep within, I want the world to know that You live. Let Your presence come and saturate every part of me; make me new. Let Your spirit come and move within, fill me once again, cuz I need more. Jesus, I'm desperate for You. Jesus I'm hungry for You. Jesus, I'm longing for You. Lord, You are all I want. Come like a flood and saturate me now; You're all I want. Come like the wind and sweep throughout this place; You're all we want." That about sums it up. I need more. I'm tired of this. I'm so tired of this. I'm ready to sell everything I have, take up my cross, and follow him. Everything.

Pastor George and THE Jeremy Mount were preaching today. The message was about praying in God's will. That's something I've understood for a while, but it's always good to be refreshed. Gah, Jeremy is so fearfully and wonderfully made that I don't even know how I focused. Actually, I don't know how I focused at all, because I've been having a hard time taking heed to anybody's sermon. I'm just so over people and what they have to say. People who claim to care, people who claim to be in line with God... man, whatever. At this point in time, I just want to hear from the Man Himself. Somehow, in this spiritual valley I've sinked into, I can still hear His voice when I fix my ears to listen.

I'm gonna need some supersonic hearing now though. Being at Calvary this morning and enjoying it the way did is causing some problems. I stepped down from my youth leadership position in F51 the last Wednesday of September, and I haven't been to Grace Pointe since. I've been at church plenty, just not my church. It's so strange that of all the people I should be missing, I really only miss a few. It's even stranger that I felt so comfortable at Calvary this morning. I remember when I first started my walk with God, I disliked that church so much. I think I had a beef with big churches because being new in my relationship with God, I needed that close community of a small church. Now... I'm pretty worn out on community. I don't need that anymore. I don't really want it anymore either. That is sad. I won't get into it though. I will, however, say this: people are of the devil more often than not.

If I left it at last nights blog, you guys would probably think my life was on it's way to nothing, but that is not the case! I went to dinner with my favorite grown up on Friday. I went out to eat with my daddy last night. I've gotten fabulous grades on all of my tests and papers this semester. I go to a beautiful school full of beautiful people who have been blessed by a most beautiful God. I have the greatest bestfriend on the face of this earth. My heart smiles. I'm braver than I ever have been. I know that I am highly favored of God. My life is good.

But I know that there's so much more for me. From now on I'm not gonna be defeated by my lack, but rejoice in the hope that what I'm missing might be recovered, that I might be redeemed. Do not be deceived; I am still so desperate.

My plans fell through today but that's ohkay, because there's so much homework I needa be doing instead of trying to have a life, haha. I'll talk to you guys later. I love you all. May the Lord stand with you, just as He's stood with me.

#desperate

Hey guys. It's been a while.

desperate - (adj.) 1. reckless or dangerous because of despair or urgency: a desperate killer. 2. having an urgent need, desire, etc.: desperate for attention. 3. leaving little or no hope; very serious or dangerous: a desperate illness. 4. extremely bad; intolerable or shocking: clothes in desperate taste. 5. extreme or excessive.

I think that applies here. Desperate is such a shameful word. Shame probably applies here too.

It's been a long, hard fall. And half the time I didn't even know I was falling. I remember knowing that I wasn't being who I was called to be, but I was happy, so I dismissed it. I knew the vanity of all the happiness I'd created for myself, but I was happy. A new college, a new place to live where my mom wasn't in control anymore, the right people in my life, and a vast amount of new people to put in my life just in case. Empty. That applies here. Because now I'm apt to do some highly reckless and dangerous things because the need to come out of this despair has become so urgent.

Do you know how I want to fix it? I just want to get drunk. Alcohol slows down your brain and that's all I want. To not have to consider my desperation or my emptiness or my shame. To just exist for a few hours. God's grace has heavily been upon me, in that I haven't yet been so reduced. But I'm kidding everyone and mainly myself when I say I want to drown away my sorrows. I want God to sweep them away in His marvelous light.

I wanted to be sleeping so I wouldn't cry. And then when I couldn't fight it anymore I turned on some music and tried to enter a place of worship with the Lord. I couldn't even stay there for a good ten minutes. I can spend time with Him indirectly: singing His praises while I do other things, talking about Him, even talking to Him. But there's something about that privacy of a hurting heart and a God who heals that I feel so unworthy of.

Do you guys know what I've been doing? Do you know of the pride that's consumed my mind, body, and soul? I'm so desperate for Jesus, because I know that He's the only one who can save me now.

I have good grades and the best interpersonal relationships, but I'd trade it all in a millisecond to feel God moving in my life again.

This is all over the place. This isn't even the half of it. This is all I can come up with in the midst of this train wreck. It's gonna be one of those nights.

Grace from the most high God, and peace be with you all.

#collegeswag

The past two weeks counting down to college have been rough. Like, I can remember myself at orientation being so excited for my college swag to be on full attack. I wanted to meet new people and I wanted to get a fresh start academically. I wanted to get out of my house, that was fersure. But as move in day got closer, my enthusiasm turned almost into dread. I can't even completely say what made me that way. I knew I was bummed about my financial situation, but the Lord always makes a way. His will, His bill, right? And I know this. Having to grow up always SUCKS, but should be an adventure, not a chore. I didn't stay for the freshman welcome activities, and I cried my face off (and reaaally wanted to break stuff) yesterday when I had to move in for good.

But you know what? I was being so far. I don't really care about meeting people like I probably should, but today was the best day ever!

I woke up this morning and got ready for Chapel. Alicia was being ridiculous and making me help her move stuff in the room. I started my day with an extra big smile after hearing from my favorite person in the world. I love when that happens. Chapel was hittin'. They did Our God and Forever Reign during worship! They also did an old hymn but it was really beautiful. The speaker was different, but he brought some good word about what "storms" in our lives we need to look to Jesus for. I only had one class (computer science) today, but it was with Karla! Haha, that professor is so precious. He's a little Asian man, with the sweetest demeanor, and the cutest accent. Anddd he spent half of class giving us his testimony. Loved it.

I was done for the day at 12. Alicia was trapped till two, so we decided we'd go eat lunch when she got out of class. So we go down there, right, and the saddest thing evar happens. We tug on the door only to find that the cafeteria had JUST closed. So we came back to the room with very sad faces and really hungry tummies. After fixing the TV all by myself, (-pops collar-) I tried to put it on food network, and Alicia goes, "WE ARE NOT FINNA BE WATCHING NO FOOD NETWORK WHEN WE HAVEN'T EVEN ATE." I so had a giggle fest. What was I thinking? xD

Count on us to make up for our hunger some way, though. They had a back to school thing in the quad and the ONLY reason me and Alicia came out of the air conditioning was because they were giving away free Chick Fil A sandwiches and tea. LOL. But so we just came back from dinner and OMGSH, delicious. I ate everything. They had everything. Pork chops, whaaaat? And omgsh. They are so fancy... as they should be with all this money I'm paying. But I'm so full, I don't even know how I'm not sleep.

This dorm is awful, but so wonderful :D Like it has two extra tiny beds, two pretty large desks, a dresser, a sink, and a very spacious closet. These beds are super high. Watching Alicia's short self jump up there is PURE comedy. We have a tv and an iHome, and the fridge is on the way. The bathroom is right across our room though, so thaaaat's good. I super love my roommate and we're gonna have the best time evar this year.

A few emotional side notes: My head is really screwy. It's rebelling hardcore and I don't even know what to do anymore. The more good I try to pour into it, the more bad that comes out of it. My heart is really screwy too, and I'd honestly rather have it ripped out. I hate those awkward moments where you try to give away what is near and dear to you, that it might not be taken again. Not this time. But I'm not quite to the point of "leave, before you get left behind", so maybe there's hope? *cues Danity Kane* "MY HEART IS DAMAGED, DAMAGED, I THOUGHT THAT I SHOULD LET YOU KNOWWWW" xO

I'll prolly cue some Mayday instead though, realtalk.

So like I haven't talked to my mom today, and I'm prolly not gonna, but I'd really enjoy the start of a healthy relationship with her. I don't wanna just be done, I want things to be better. But how long have I wanted that? Right.

I'ma be in class like all day tomorrow. And I have to get up early. But it's gonna be fun. I love college. I love Jesus, too. Sometimes I feel like that gets lost in all the other things I'm loving. That's not gonna be good. I'ma stop talking now. Dear baby Jesus.

#ouchie

(Lol, hi, good morning! I totally wrote this last night, but the internet was acting dumb, so... yea!)

Everyone give it up for the one and only Satan! Stealing the show every time! Alright, I'm being super sarcastic, but I must give credit where credit is due. And boy is it due.

Bro I am in so much pain. Let's break this down. MY BODY HURTS. Never again will I for an extended period of time proceed to front like I am 'bout that life and have any type of muscle mass. NEVER AGAIN. Next time I'm sure I'll just cut to the chase (; This is going on day two, by the way. If there's a day three... D:

My spirit hurts too. Ouchie. It probably has been for a while, but this is just the icing on the freaking cake. Not that the cake wasn't already big enough. Lemme be as vague as possible. Ever since I was a baby Christian, I've been taught to follow the word of God to the best of my ability. And I think I've done that. And I've wanted to do that. But now that I'm not a baby Christian anymore, it's getting hard out here for a pimp. I have a fun analogy for you guys. I wanna kill someone because I hate them so much and really that's the only way I see justice being served. I've never been a violent person, but suddenly I am consumed with violence. I know the bible says that vengeance is His, but quite frankly I'm tired of waiting. I feel so justified in committing such an evil act, but I know exactly what the scripture says. What's worse is that, the victim doesn't wanna be alive anyway.

I still have a spirit, because I know better. I don't exactly have a soul anymore though, because I don't think I care to do better. Sometimes it just feels better to give in. One more time, a big round of applause for Lucifer. And then I got all types of cute small children boosting me up like they have any clue. "You have such a calling on your life! You're my mentor! I know you're hand in hand with God!" Please don't even mention my duties as a music minister every Wednesday night. Talk about corruption, huh? I really feel like if God loved me, He'd just take me now while I'm still halfway serving Him. Dx

BUT LIKE-- I'm not mad at Him. I still try to jam His music and focus during worship. Lol, this is far.

My heart isn't in the best condition, either. Have you ever cared for someone so deeply that their struggles, no matter how big or small... kind of, become yours too? Like you know there's nothing you can do directly to make it go away, but gosh, you'll never stop trying. That probably goes both ways, so I guess the first thing I can do to make something better is pretend I'm okay, ha. I miss being genuinely happy. I miss when my mommy was my friend; because I promise one day she is going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time and she is going to get fired up, dirty. I wish I was even somewhat excited about Sizzle Retreat on Friday, or move-in day for college next Wednesday.

Ahh... Sizzle Retreat on Friday... with all the children who think too highly of me. With Sharon... who knows all your secrets before she even knows your name. With the sun... which will have me going to college looking like an African. Umm... yea. I'm excited!

Lol, I've been in my bed all day, lovesick, like that's supposed to be okay or something. But I don't even wanna get better... and that's really not supposed to be okay. Eff these feelings, though. I'm too real to be getting tangled up again.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy really is a great piece of musical art, in all it's secular deliciousness. "This'll be a beautiful death, jumpin' out the window, lettin' everything go..."

I swear these blogs are getting repetitive. Same crap, different day. Hot mess. Whatever. I'm out.

#deuces

Living has been exceedingly far, to say the least.

There comes a time in life when you realize that all the bull is for the birds. And then there's another more epic time when you realize that most of these characters floating around here aren't anything but vultures. Shortly thereafter, there is a most liberating time when you throw your deuces up, move on to something better, stop tryna make it work, and say bye-bye. And it's like, you know they're gonna be mad, but so what? Wish them best of luck, but now it's time to throw them deuces up.

Oh, Chris Brown, why are you so real?

Yesterday a grown person that I trust very much supported my reconstruction project. Who wants to really guard their heart more than they can give it away? Not me. Do you know how much love I have inside my cute little self? I wish I could just love freely, without caution, and there be no consequence. But that's not how this works. And I'm out of excuses. Cuz when you tell the truth, I guess there aren't any left to make, lol. Sigh, so back to hiding it is... Err, assuming I can remember the place where no one ever found me.

I hate when small children are hurting about and affected by things that are far beyond their control. xl

Jesus Christ of Nazarene, Son of Man, Lamb of God, Savior who died and rose again on the thrid day: where You at, Bro? Like I'm not mad at Him by any means. I'm learning to accept the fact that life sucks and then you die and there's not too much you can do to make it stop if God lets such dysfunction slip through His hands and all over your life. I worship at church full-heartedly for the God I've known Him to be in these past two years. I try to sing His praises..? I try to read His word..? I try to talk to Him..? I just haven't seen His face in a good minute, and I probably miss it more than I can even explain.

SO MUCH STUFF IS NEITHER RIGHT, NOR PROPER IN THIS TRIFLING WORLD! xO

Someone with less power should have more of my trust. That sounds really intelligent. Dang, that sounds so intelligent. So shout out to Miles Brown for being that guy (: Half the time he doesn't even know what I'm talking (screaming) about, but he always listens. He's still short though :P Thank you.

But omgsh, on Tuesday, Candace and Jehwet spent the night. xD I love them, and we always have such a good time together. I mean, how we decided to create that good time is a different story, bahahaha. Between the score-heavy TV commentary, the prank calls (yea we're 18, get at us), and the singing like the professional triplet we are (-does the dougie-), I don't know where I'm gonna find friends like them at. ): I'm tripping though, cuz I know they're not going anywhere. Thinking about them makes me way less bothered about other less stable interpersonal situations. <3

I miss Kimbra :l I also miss Chrystal and Eric, because not seeing them twice a week doesn't even sound right. My mood is elevated because I made a child smile, who I know had to be just about ready to throw up. Yayy me. I'm my favorite person today, ionoevencurr.

I kinda hope God grants me rest today. Like... all day. I just wanna sleep, man! And it's not like I don't deserve it, given the new AWESOME sleeping pattern I've developed. Like, I don't even wanna deal with stuff today.

Blah.

#inthename

I feel all grown up today.

Yesterday was a trip... and back. But the God I serve is awesome in power, and never lets me go. He's like a GPS. He knows where you're at, and where you're going. Yea, we may mess up and make a wrong turn, but what happens when you get off track with a GPS? It recalculates. Glory, glory, thank You Jesus! I guess when you're one of His chosen, mess ups get changed into major bless ups. I can't even begin to tell it all.

You know when Peter walked on water, he only sank because he took his eyes off Jesus. Pause. Let that set for however long you need. I was sinking, because my eyes were on the instability of this world, and not on the one true everlasting God. I couldn't understand because I didn't have any perspective. I have some now. I have a lot of it. And I have peace. The peace of God has surpassed what has been revealed to me, as well what is still a mystery. I can't even begin to tell it all.

"Garbage in, garbage out" is a real life epidemic! What you pour into yourself is exactly what you're going to get out. And those things don't even necessarily have to be evil, but how quickly they can become just that. So in the name of Jesus, my heart will not continue to overpower my mind. It is simple. I will pour into myself more knowledge of the holy, and less deceit of the heart. How quickly things manifest into something so consuming. The only thing I desire to be consumed by is Holy Spirit fire.

Earlier today, I had a nudge to read scripture. Hebrews, to be exact. And so I read it, all of it, that I might hear from God. I heard plain as day. Hebrews 11:10 says, "For he waited for the city which has foundations, whose builder and maker is God." There is only one plan that has solid ground: that of our Lord Jesus. How many times have we seen our own ideas fall under the pressure of their own weight. So now I will just wait. Hebrews 11:30 says that by faith, the walls of Jericho fell down. Do you know what was behind that barricade, those walls? God's promise of a hope and a future! In the name of Jesus, I'm getting to my promise, because I believe. Oh, how I believe.

The glory is all over this last one. Hebrews 12:13 says to make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but rather be healed. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. [lame - (adj.) impaired or disabled through defect or injury] Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. If your heart has been broken, it doesn't mean to stop loving. If you have been betrayed, it doesn't mean to stop trusting. It means reach Up for the spirit of healing. Jesus... Jesus... Jesus...

My heart is heavy in anticipation of the presence of the Lord. I feel like something is going to happen during worship tonight, even if it is solely within my own heart. I'm going to meet Him. Darkness has come into the most brilliant light and it ends tonight. In the name of JESUS.

#aboutme

What a shallow distraction.

I'm a really good person. I love people (believe it or not). I like to have their trust, and I like for them to know how much I care. I get excited when I think of something sweet to do for someone else, especially when it's unwarranted. I love babies. If I could have a child (infant to 3) with me at all times, I'd so do it. You know why I like babies? Because there aren't ever any complications to the truth. When they're mad, they're mad, and that's it. When they love, they love wholeheartedly because they haven't been corrupted into knowing otherwise. I have a big heart for preteens too. I'm probably the only person in the world who thinks middle schoolers are precious, but aye, I'll save them all myself. I remember how lost I was in middle school, and how much I needed to be found. If only someone had cared, you know? So I do. And I care a lot.

Caring a lot, no matter how hard I try to pretend that I don't, is a general rule for me. I'm sure God meant for it to be a blessing, but Satan always manages it to turn it into a curse.

I'm going to have the most awesome family that was ever crafted. And like, I'm not even kidding. I'm going to be rocking the world with my counseling skills, and my husband is going to be rocking the world with his ministering skills, and together we are going to be unstoppable. Isn't that really what love is? Unstoppable. We'll get into that later. I want two kids. My oldest son will be named Elijah Michael, and my second is still up in the air. I really don't want a daughter. My husband is going to be the most gorgeous white man I've ever seen. Because love makes people gorgeous too. Divorce is not even going to be a word welcome in my home-- and that's really how I feel. And of course, as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

The most stunning kinds of pain occur when there are few tears to be cried, and no words to even be mumbled.

I've got some crazy destructive habits. Friendships and others may be victimized, but it's mainly only myself. I struggle with thin lines (like the one between love and lust). I'm... very capable of drawing what I want from people. Turns out I like attention, too. At times I have such a drive to be disconnected from the world around me. The ways I strive to get there are less than healthy. In middle school I was obsessed with drugs. As of late, I just want to drink until I can't think straight anymore. But do not misunderstand me; I've never done either. I think that some things are better left unsaid, unfelt, unexperienced. You don't have to go through it all to know it all. I wish I'd realized that before. I don't trust myself with adult things because I don't make very grown-up decisions.

Those end-all thoughts I've been swallowed up in aren't quite gone. If I told you they were, I lied.

I'd like to think I have an innocent heart. I like VeggieTales and coloring. I like music/movies that remind me of my childhood. I wait on things that I know won't happen, lol. My favorite band is Paramore. My favorite rapper is Kanye West. I love Jesus Christ. Oh man, sometimes I get so caught up. My favorite color is pink. My birthday is February 12th. I was born in up-state New York. Things aren't always what they seem. I will forever be a sucker for love. I like hugs. I probably need one. At this very moment, I feel utterly consumed in my sin.

I mentioned that talking about myself was a shallow distraction. But since when has shallow ever failed me?

#sadlife

"Tryna make it work, but man, these times are hard." No kidding.

Anyone who knows me knows that me and my mother have never had a decent relationship. It's like, common knowledge. But I don't even know what kind of demonic shenanigans have been going on in this house lately. And even trying to explain is kind of abstract, cuz I can't even believe this is my real life.

Last night was the first night since I got saved that I legitimately was questioning whether or not I want to be alive. Like I always talk about how ready I am to get up out of this awful world, but... you know what I'm saying. Certain circumstances that are far beyond my control have me really down on God. I'm misunderstanding Him (at the least) and I feel so deceived. A lot of things seem to be falling apart all at once and I haven't been sleeping well, I haven't been eating much, and my face is breaking out like a bandit.

But I know better than to doubt God! I know a lot of things, and a lot of scriptures. But to believe them is something different. For a while, I wasn't trying, but now I am. Man, last night I felt so low. I couldn't even breathe. I couldn't stop crying. It was rough, bro. I wanted to tell Satan that he's not welcome here anymore, and I wanted to call out to Jesus... but I couldn't. It sucks to feel the spirit leaving you, but be so paralyzed that you can't even call Him back.

My mother thinks I'm anorexic. How does a "loving" mother deal with her "anorexic" child? Screams and force-feeds her, of course! Like I don't know what her deal is, but I really don't feel like I have a reason to starve myself. You feel me? Matter of fact, I MISS enjoying food.

She is the only person in this entire world that can make me go bankrupt on self-esteem points in less than five minutes. It's ridiculous. This ought not be so! She is my MOTHER. I don't understand her and unfortunately my willingness to try expired long ago. So I bet when college starts, that's the end of that. I'm not going to call her, and I'm certainly not going to come back to this house when I don't have to. As determined and heartless as that makes me sound, it's saddens me. I think every daughter deserves a mother. Don't you agree?

So this morning I read like half the bible trying to find some peace and get the spirit back... and then my mom started with her foolishness again. All is vanity, swear. And now I'm waiting for my daddy to come pick me up. I'ma stay with him for a few days so that I don't end up even more damaged than I already am before church on Wednesday.

Cuz you know what? I HATE being around all those people who look up to me and expect more from me when I'm so down. Like, I know I'm only a person, but I wanna be so much more for them.

Ugh, I don't even know what to say anymore. But if you love me, and you read this, please hold me accountable for these end-my-life feelings I've been experiencing.

LOL this blog is so bad. Like, my writer-swag is no where to be found. Bloop.

Shoutout to the sweetheart who got me through last night. And shoutout to Chrystal Cole for loving me the way my mother will forever fail to.

Guys, it's gonna be okay! Promise.

#liketoysoldiers

A million toy soldiers in a perfect straight line, waiting to be selected. One behind the other, uniform in the most obvious ways, because we're made of the same stuff. But our Manufacturer knows we're different, for He made us. He may be the only One who knows, but what little boy would want us if he knew our imperfections? So we like it that way. We just want to be chosen. We look so brave; we look so ready to fight. And we are. We want to be strong, but our figures are only plastic.

A lot of little boys come around. And with every new one that walks by, a small glimpse of hope arises that maybe we won't have to stand in line anymore. Most of the little boys leave with something, even if he's compromising his true desires. Perhaps the one he picked isn't the right shade of green, or maybe not the size he wanted. But we don't want to know about that, we're just happy to have been deemed his.

I wish that could be where the story ended. But the truth is that many of us who are taken home are quickly returned. Most of the little boys start immediately in search of a new toy soldier, shamelessly, in plain sight. A few of them just leave. But they'll be back. We all know they'll be back.

I know a toy soldier who went home a few years ago. The little boy who picked her seemed really glad to have her, but I guess that was temporary. Other things became more important to him, and after a while it was more of a hassle to keep her than to bring her back. She doesn't look the same. All of her parts are in tact, but something just isn't right.

Last week another toy soldier was taken out of line, but she is already back. Rumor has it, that little boy was a monster. He took her gun, all of her power, and systematically used it against her. He hurt her on purpose and there wasn't a thing she could do to make it stop. One day he must have decided there wasn't much left to destroy, and here she is. Now she hides at the very end of the line, where she hopes that no little boys will ever notice her. She is resistant to any repair the Manufacturer can offer. But doesn't she know He's the only one skilled enough to fix her.

I went home once. I'd seen this little boy at the factory before. I wasn't there when he picked his first toy soldier, but I certainly saw when he brought her back. i watched him bring another solider back, and still I went with him. I should have known better.

To this day I don't have a clear understanding of what made him return me. Besides the natural wear and tear my armor had suffered, I was okay. But you know, that factory is cold. The temperature seems even lower after being forced back here once we've experienced the warmth of a home. A solider like me couldn't help but run straight to my Manufacturer. He restored me with such a loving gentleness. And I am restored indeed, but I'll never be the same.

I'm back in line again. But none of my hope is in the little boys who come by. All of my faith is in my Manufacturer, and I'm not going anywhere. I found an everlasting warmth in this cold little factory, and I'm going to be fine right where I am.

What about the little boy who returned me? Oh, I watched him pick a new toy soldier. Would you believe she's back too? But he never meant to harm any of us.

What these little boys intend doesn't change the real outcome, nor does it keep us from hurting. We want to be strong, but our figures are just plastic. Yet even when we break, one thing can be sure: we march on.

"Left, left, left-right..." Toy soldiers, we march on.

#flipshair

LAWD, I am so irritated. Like heavily.

What's going on with some of the stuff I let myself get caught up in. What was I thinking with some of the lists I so very idiotically volunteered to write my cute little name on. Sometimes I wonder about myself, really. This isn't a bashfest, because I con't do that, but looking at my old self with my new self's brand new eyes is borderline blasphemy. No you know what, it's full-on blasphemy. None of that is anything like what God had planned for my life, and how dare I even allow myself to get there. And I'm so reminded of all of it every single day. Whats bad is that most of the reminiscence is by choice! Or at least it had been. From now on, I'm flipping my hair and keeping it moving. I'm done living in the past and hoping for a future that salvages the severed ends. Especially when I wasn't the one acting all big and bad with the scissors! I'm looking forward, and if you think I'm ever again looking back, you got me extra twisted. Holla if you feel me. IN THE NAME. Yes sir.

Oosahh.

But so I'm looking at the future, and I see so much potential. It's gorgeous when I put it all into prospective. In a little over a month I will be moving into a dorm with a girl I absolutely adore. School will start and I'll have the opportunity to be the student I always knew I could be, but never had the drive to be. There are going to be so many new people: new people who love the Lord Jesus Christ more than they love this world, more than they love all the things that tempt them, and more then they love themselves. That's hard to find anywhere, and suddenly I'm going to be submerged in those people. And with those people I can make new memories that cloud out the ones that still haunt me. There will be meaning to my life. I'm sure of it. I have an abundance to grow into, and you know what-- I'm ready. I'm finally ready to come alive as the woman of God He destined me to be.

That's always been what this is about. The ethnic anger I demonstrated earlier in this post stems from a basic knowledge that past circumstances have been hindering me from who I was called to be. As grand as it sounds to just leave everything behind, I know that is neither right, nor proper. But like I said, I'm reaching upward, forward, with all my might and whatever gets left behind wasn't meant to come with me anyway, right? Today, I must admit that I don't care.

I'm talking a bunch of crap now, but I know that if I ever start acting too brand new I'll end up face down on the floor of my youth room singing "The House That Built Me" by Miranda Lambert, HA.

On a brighter note, I've been reading this book by A. W. Tozer called "Knowledge of the Holy". BRO, tell me why I chose to read it so late into the summer! That little book has soooo much wisdom in it. It's about the nature of God. He takes each characteristic that is evident in the bible and conveys them in ways that we might almost being to understand. Or maybe I should say "know". Because I know the majority of God's nature, but I can't say I understand all of it. I know that He is omnipresent, but to sit and try to understand that He is in all things, through all things, by all things, and that nothing exists apart from Him BLOWS MY MIND. I was sitting there staring at my ceiling fan trying to understand how God was a part of that. And then I felt my mind deteriorating so I had to walk away from the book, lol. There's so much more I wanna tell you guys, but I just suggest you read it. Best book evar.

Speaking of books, the ones I ordered last week finally shipped today. YESH. Pilgrims Progress, a Christian classic, and Erasing Hell, the third literary wonder by the great Francis Chan.

Eric Cole has been going hard at Wednesday night youth. We're talking about relationships. You can imagine, umm... the different opinions, on everything that's been said. But it's all been truth so peoples opinion don't particularly matter. If there's anyone I trust to learn about this kind of stuff from, it's definitely him. And in bible study, Chrystal Cole has been unveiling the mystery of Revelation to us. Relationships, and Revelation: it's getting deep, guys. I absolutely love it. I hope this is the new standard of go-hardness that will be delivered by those two lovely people from now on.

I will however say that as people's true colors start to show, I hope they remain bright and full of life (:

This has been a much needed and very productive update on the life of Crystal Michelle. But, you know. I'ma keep my head up, and y'all do the same. Grace, love, and mercy be multiplied to you a thousand times over <3

#awesome

It's been a minute.

Orientation fer DBU was simply amazing. There were so many foine white boys, I nearly lost my mind. Let's talk about how we had a worship service... during orientation! The fed us like royalty, and it's always nice to be on that gorgeous campus. I am so excited for school in the fall. Yes, Crystal Michelle Gomes is excited for school. Someone call CNN.

My efforts at not sitting in this house all summer have been a success thus far. I've been spending a lot of time with BFF Kylie, and I love it! Church every Sunday morning and Wednesday night, you know. My dad and I actually hung out on fathers day. That was new, and nice. Me and my mommy have even hung out a little. Whaaaaaat?

On Saturday I went to a girls conference at Dayspring Church with SBFF Kimbra. Let us note that this is a black church, and I regularly attend a predominantly white church. So basically, IT WAS SO MUCH FUN xD The theme was about shining, and their theme scripture was Matthew 5:16. It was pretty good, if I do say so myself. I especially enjoyed the little segment about purity (and each angle of it). They gave us super cute pink and white purity bracelets; one for us, and one for a friend (: OH, also, Kimbra started shouting after the classic "Everything" drama. It was only 25% funny, but it was 100% glorious. Bahahaha, I love her, and I hope she doesn't slide me for saying that.

Oh my goodness, church yesterday was so precious. The kids church put on a little patriotic performance and it made my heart smile. They closed it out with "Freedom" by Eddie James, and I totally wanted to get on stage and dance with them x] Then the whole congregation headed outside for a cookout. They gave away gift cards and an iPad. I received neither. All good though.

I spent time with Durdana today. She is the sweetest. I'm glad we're friends. Really <3

Dood, bro, son, Eric has begun the sermon series of a lifetime. He's throwing all types of holy knowledge regarding relationships all up in our faces. It's been a long time coming. Bless that man for the blessings he is certainly pouring out to we who are open and receptive to the truth. Glory, glory! I can't wait to hear the next one. Wednesday, c'mon widdit!

I just finished reading "Forgotten God." It's about the Holy Spirit. I'm pretty knowledgeable in that area, but one thing that stuck out to me the most was the idea that we ought not worry about "God's plan for our life." Instead, we should submit daily to the guidance of the Holy Spirit, and watch how far that takes us. Francis Chan is a great writer, and I can't wait for his new book to be released next month.

I'm so tired of caring to be crapped on. I'm done loving to be let down. That's all it's ever seemed to be. So now my cares, and my all my love, are going into top secret confinement where no one will ever find them again. Someone strangle me the next time I consider busting them out. Curse these futile efforts of mine. This is a vicious cycle. I should have taken them seriously when they said that only one thing remains.

Let's close this out in prayer, that this might not end so morbidly. Ha. You ready?

"My life is not my own, to You I belong. I give myself away, so You can use me." But when you say it, you gotta mean it. I sure do. Grace, peace, and mercy be multiplied to you all <3

#takemeaway

God never moves quite the way we want Him to, does He? But aren't His ways simply perfect.

The other day God convicted me so hard. I'm really good about seeing past peoples sin and getting to the depths of what really matters. But my supervision deactivated so quickly and almost without guilt when it came to one person. And then I talked to that person. I talked to her on a personal level. I almost immediately had to dismiss all the "reasons" I thought I had for not letting the love of Christ show through me. And besides logically having to dismiss my presumptions, I no longer emotionally wanted to keep them. At the end of the day it doesn't make one bit of difference. What really counts is that there are people who are dying and going to hell everyday because we Christians make lists of what we deem important "reasons" not to love on someone.

I'm almost done reading a book called "Radical". I thought it would be a nice follow up to "Crazy Love". It is, but it's 100 times more grown up. It highlights biblical principals that are overlooked and covered up by the American dream. The American dream suggests that we are to individually climb the latter of success for our own individual benefit and glory. He mentioned that unfortunately, these ideas are entering the church. He magnifies our calling as followers of Christ to help the poor, and make disciples of all nations through international missionary trips. Here's a big one: God blesses us with more (material things) so that we may give more, not have more. Now, in my current state of being, I don't have the means to preach the gospel in Africa. I'm not financially independent. I don't have big decisions to make about what I have and what I give. But I think that solely acquiring the knowledge of these hidden truths has blessed my soul already.

The people who hurt you the most always realize exactly who they left in the dirt just in time for "too late". Apologies and regrets don't do a dang thing for me. And they aren't going to do anything for the guilty either. I wish people were more intelligent than that. And I hope the next person who is cursed to face their bad decisions knows better than to come back to me with any of it.

These mountains and valleys in my interpersonal relationships are getting out of hand. When the same issues come up, isn't it appropriate to let go? Which people are entitled to what privileges? And when is it okay to hold on to anyone, period? Because I can remember holding on for dear life. And then I remember finally letting go and trusting God to repair things on His time. But you know what He did instead? He helped me let go... almost to the sad point of indifference. And now its almost as if the tables have turned. But I'm not that person, no matter how badly I miraculously, all of a sudden, want to be. I won't be that person. But there are a few people who have proved themselves worthy of all of my love, and for that I couldn't be more thankful.

I have freshman orientation for DBU in the morning. I'm really anxious and terribly nervous, but at the same time, I'm at peace. I haven't left peaceful very often lately. I want to be afraid of the uncertainty in my future, because that seems normal. But then again, there isn't anything normal about the way my God loves and provides for me.

My spirit has been downing in what has to be the most anointed music ever recorded. Chris August, Sanctus Real, Kirk Franklin, and Sidewalk Prophets are doing great things. But there's a certain song by Worth Dying For that I can't get out of my system. It's called Take Me Away. "So let my heart trust in You, let my fear fall. Let Your carry me through it all. And I will hold on to You, even through pain. Won't You take me away, take me away with You." I sing that song, and I mean it. I cry for it. My soul longs for it.

This summer, all I want is to fall more deeply in love with our Lord, God, and Savior: Christ Jesus. And so it shall be.

#classof2011

So I graduated yesterday. This is crazy.

I got there entirely too early, because that's the foolery they told me, and I didn't know any better. Stephanie (salutatorian) mentioned me in her speech. She used the word "swaglicious" to describe our class. Only her, right? She quoted one of Mrs. D'spain's last words to our government class, and it was so meaningful. Jenny's speech was simply beautiful. She talked about the different definitions of the word "brilliance" and said that the definition she knew was most applicable to all of us was the ability to radiate/reflect light. She said she knew that, because we were crafted in the image of the source of light Himself. Then she whipped out some scripture, and man. I wanted to cry.

I was nervous as all get out walking across that stage. But then I got my little diploma holder and breathed the BIGGEST sigh of relief. I'm done with high school. My chains are gone, I've been set free! I didn't cry at graduation. I didn't care to stand outside The Potter's House and take pictures with people I might not see any time soon. Perhaps none of this has hit me yet. But perhaps I just know what I have to look forward to.

I celebrated by going to dinner with my parents at Pappadeaux. No, sillies, I didn't go to the club. I had church this morning.

Baccalaureate was a blessing. "Your life is only as big as your faith, and your faith is only as big as your God." How big is your God? Mine is the bigger than the air I breathe. Sky's not even the limit <3

The last few days of school were a blur, son. I swore I'd be drowning in tears, but not even. I only cried in government. I cried because Mrs. D'spain was throwing out some madd love. And then I looked at Jehwet and realized my time with him was probably coming to a close, because he is such a fricken floater. Like, he'll make college friends and it'll be like, "Crystal, who?" So I cried kinda hard and hugged him fer a kinda long time. I gotta say this. In these past few months of Christopher emerging with some intense flavor (xD) I've come to care for him a lot. And even though his flavor has worn out, I'm gonna miss that boy. I really am.

I have a lot to look forward to this week. This is all so exciting. This is short because I'm coming back tomorrow with the good stuff. I need to speak with my wife.

#bloop

Bro, my life has been on absolute crack this past week. I wish I were kidding.

Last Wednesday I was so hype for church because I knew the song list was like extra powerful. And then I get there and people didn't show up and the song list was altered and I was devastated. More like freaking angry. I can't for the life of me understand why some people don't get as excited to minister as I do. Ridiculous. So basically I really almost ran away and went to big church, because I was that upset! The only thing that brought me back to reality was that one of the younger ones, Chelsie, ran up to me and said, "Church is about to start, Crystal! Where are you going?" True story.

Duh, I'm glad I stayed. Service was powerful regardless. Andddddd, I'd like to announce that my wife is back for the summer. :DDD

Senior breakfast and awards on Friday was like extra good and sweet, and I'm kind of surprised about that. The breakfast was alright, but the company was even greater. Chris, Candace, and Jehwet made that a good time fersure. Not to mention how cute my dress was :) It's like winding down, guys. My time in high school is about to be up, and I seemed to have been reminded of that at senior breakfast.

Awards was fun because Meg and I were harassing Chris the whole time. BAHAHAHA. We were tickling him, and he grabbed my hand in a fit of anger and like, stared at it for a second, and then slammed it into the chair in front of me. It hurt, but at the same time, I was about to die laughing. Anddd to top it all off, I got a certificate for Acadec, a medal for "Who's Who" in family and counseling sciences, anddd a plaque for being a National Achievement semi-finalist. That medal is the cutest thing ever. It's a Macarthur, TX logo :3

After awards, me, Chelsea, and Jehwet dipped out and went to eat at Cheddar's with Chelsea's mom and Candace's mom. Candace wasn't cool enough to come with us. That dork. Mannnnn, I'm so glad I got to spend that time with Chelsea. I hadn't talked to her since like middle school, and let's just say I've fersure been missing out! :D

Prom was on Saturday! THIS ONE BOY, was extra fine. And it didn't help that I've been in love with him since like sixth grade. I'ma leave it at that though. Theo also looked pretty darn gorgeous if I do say so myself. I had such a nice time. Me and my friends looked simply beautiful, and we got our jigg on. What more can a senior ask for? I felt like a princess, realtalk. After prom wasn't that exciting but it's okay. Sheyla won a Kindle. Swag :D

I got home from After Prom around 5:30 and accidentally dozed off. I meant to stay up so that I wouldn't be so dead when it came time to move around. It's kay though. God woke me up right on time. Gosh I was tired. Bible study was good <3 I don't know what happened during worship but my spirit completely freaked out. I was worshiping like normal, and then "Hosanna" came on and RIGHT when the chorus hit I started crying uncontrollably. Weird right? I looked up the literal translation for hosanna, and it means "Save us now." Yup, still don't have any clue what that was about but I'm sure God thought it was beautiful.

Blahh. We had outreach after service and I soo wasn't feeling it because I was cranky. I saw that some of the other youth like Alisha and Connor were really into it though, and that made me happy.

Wanna know something funny? I woke up on time fer school yesterday and decided to stay home instead xD I needed that though. And I got my spanish project done. It's cute.

Bruhh. Last night I died and came back to life... or something. My two most valued female friends are having boy troubles. And talking to them about their struggles took me right back to mine. I really felt hopeless last night, and like God had forsaken me. Just like the old days, ha. Now that I'm feeling better, I realize God let me feel that again because I was starting to forget all that I'd learned about pain and the human heart. It was evident in the way I'd responded to one of my friend's poor methods at dealing with the hurt. I cried myself to sleep last night, but I don't think it was for me.

Maybe it was for the whole world. Yes, I like a boy. Yes, I think about a boy. No, that boy does not like me. No, that boy doesn't think about me. But you know what? I got SO much other stuff to be worried about-- things that actually matter! And I just wanna see God's face.

This morning I was still suck on sad, but then half way through the day I remembered that I'm too blessed to care. I care about what God's working through all these storms, I just don't care that the storms must come. You feel me?

I had some interesting conversations with Jehwet, Kimbra (I love her), and Candace today. BLOOP. I'm already super excited fer church tomorrow, but I'ma stop because this is clearly the longest blog ever.

My God is GOOD. Shout it out! :D
May the peace of God which surpasses all understanding guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

#hellofear

Kirk Franklin has a new CD, right? The chorus of the first song says:
Never again will I love you. My heart, it refuses to be your home. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: apart from you is where I belong. Never again will I trust you. I'm tired of fighting, it's been way too long. No longer your prisoner. Today I remember: who I was then now is gone.

You know who he's talkin' to? Fear. I've lived in so much fear in the past. Fear of getting hurt, fear of not being good enough, fear of what other people will say. But no more. If my God is with me, whom then shall I fear? Goodbye fear, hello grace.

Just when you think you're on top of things, God reveals a little bit more of His light. And then for a quick second, you're blind and just freakin' out. I don't know how to describe the light this time, but it makes me hurt for other people when I ought to be sleep and enjoying the rarely acquired peace I've managed to create for myself. To be honest, I'm probably still freaking out. All of this depression, oppression, hopelessness, emptiness, I've been seeing makes me angry. If only they knew how much Jesus loved them, and that there is healing, and that there is forgiveness.

As of late, I've been taking God so seriously. This isn't a game of who can walk the line between life and death and still see His face. This isn't a competition of who can do the least in order to inherit the most. This is it. This is all that matters. This is God and all His glory. What's even left after that? So I've really been questioning my future. Deep down inside I want God to call me into full time ministry just when I'm about to start the plans I've made for myself. But that's... well, crazy. What's even crazier is that other people tell me it's not quite as crazy as I'd like it to be.

Prom is next weekend. I'm really not as enthusiastic about this as I thought I would be. I haven't gotten my dress yet, so maybe that's the difference. I don't think so, though. My priorities have changed drastically.

AP tests are over; shout to the Lord!

I ordered Radical, Knowledge of the Holy, and Forgotten God earlier this week, and they should be here TOMORROW. They better be, because I've waited long enough. Ahhh! :D Suddenly, I can't get enough of reading. And suddenly, I can't get enough of Him, either.

I can't wait for bible study on Sunday. We're gonna start in on Revelations, and I don't have any clue, but I'm lookin' to find one! I love Chrystal Cole.

Today I got a Hawk Nelson CD, the second Francesca Battistelli CD, and the JB DVD.

Ugh, I'll be out all day looking for a stupid prom dress.

This is getting repetitive, but I can't say it enough: God is so good.

#candid

How to say the things you wished you'd never even have to think about.

I stressed myself out so badly trying to dig up what's already dead and gone, as if I had some type of authortiy. I know what I want, and I'm having trouble understanding that God could possibly want something different for me. If it is different, it is also better (by default), but I don't understand. I just want my bestfriend. I wish this were as urgent to him as it is to me. That in itself is probably half the hurt. That in itself, certainly, is what continues the hurt.

Things started to look up. In all reality, things probably looked just as they did before, but I made them look up. But I didn't stop tearing my conscience apart. The only thing that stopped was my acknowledgement of God. I didn't want to talk to Him; I felt like I knew what He was going to say, and I flat out didn't wanna hear it. I'ma be real candid here. The last time I prayed for us, He completely took him away. What in my disenfranchised mind would allow me to open that door again?

So I was quiet, as I convinced my very narrow line of sight that things were looking up, and I went crazy. And then on Sunday, Pastor Wooten said something, and I just broke. "Sometimes talking to each other doesn't work. Sometimes if you want to get stuff done, you have to go straight to God. He can do more then we ever can." I started making small concessions to God, but I still didn't trust Him. How embarrassing for me to even say that.

Last night there was an altar call. "If you have sin in your life, get down here." This isn't your average kind of sin, and I bet there won't be the average kind of healing... but it's coming.

I remember Chrystal telling me that you have be so deeply in love with the Lord that you'd give yourself and anything you have at His word. That used to be me, perhaps because I'd never encountered something I thought so worthy of keeping. Because this is so different. It's instinct for me to hold on, even when it hurts my hand. It's hurt my hand for a while now. And I've still a lot to vocalize.

Everyone hates him so much. You should hear the things my friends say. "HE HURT YOU CRYSTAL," in a fit of rage because I still care. I have a friend who is saddened for me, because she knows my hand is hurting. She makes comments about how she had never seen me as hurt as I was when it came to him. But they don't even know. They'll never know the depths of what he means to me.

You know how God's answering my prayers? I'm not nearly as concerned about any of this as I was a few days ago, and that's why I can talk about it. I'm not stressed. I'm just waiting. And you know what they say about those who wait on the Lord (:

Sometimes my heart is more porous than should be humanly possible. But you know what? Everything is going to be okay, because there is a God who loves me, and He wouldn't have it any other way.

So, God, You can have this sea shell. It's dazzling, gorgeous, precious, and boy do I love this thing; but I love You more. Take it from my hands, and do with it what You may. And again, I love You so dearly.

#sandcastles

Life is a beach: beautiful and enchanting to the utmost. You search the entire shore looking for something special, something different. And then by what seems to be divine intervention, you find it. Like a sea shell you just can't take your eyes off of. And I mean that sea shell is perfect. So you stop dead in your tracks and never even think twice about where you've sat yourself.

Have you ever built a sand castle? You're on the beach! Look at what you've got to work with! So many possibilities, and you know exactly what you want. It doesn't take long to conjure up the most extravagant structure ever fathomed. It's got sticks and rocks and behold, that dazzling little sea shell is the center piece. It's so big that you've created a deficit of sand in every direction as far as the eye can see. But you don't know the difference because you can't look past that shell, that gorgeous little shell.

The wind blows, and the skies change, but you're still lost in the majesty of your castle. The storm hits and you're painfully reminded that it's always just been sand. You watch as waves wash away your everything, and make an executive decision to leave the beach, indefinitely.

You're so devastated by the everyday occurrences in nature. But the real devastation is that you convinced yourself the cycle would stop for you. How could you be so naive? How could you be so silly? How could you be so stupid?

But the Sun does come out (one of the more fortunate events in nature). You don't want to go back and examine the damage, but a part of you knows it's unavoidable. The beach doesn't even look the same, perhaps because the sand has been equally reapportioned again. Your castle is no where to be found, but your shell is right there where you were forced to leave it. You start to think that maybe it should stay there, but quickly realize that the beach is less beautiful when you don't have your shell. And so you go back. The Sun shines brightly on it's newly acquired scratches, but it's still just as precious as you can remember.

How many sea shells are there on a beach? And there's gotta be one that shines brighter, too. None of that seems to matter, though; you don't want a new one. It won't be the same. And even deeper, how could you ever let go of the old one, your first one.

You don't know what you'll do with that shell now. Sometimes you want to destroy it and everything it stands for, except that's not too far from destroying yourself. It's crossed your mind to think up some new architecture, but it's always just been sand.

It's always just been sand.

So you'll wonder along the shore like in the beginning, but it's not back to square one. There's no telling what will become of you and your shell, but there is a most comforting hope. The Sun is still shining.

#groundzero

I've been really missing my ignorant, innocent bliss. You know, when a good intention meant something, and there was hope in a promise. You know, when "sorry" meant that things were going to change. All that stuff is so far down the drain in my eyes now. I just wanna be six again, wahhhh.

It's such a shame that I'm being thrown away over a boy. I mean, it's happened before with her, but daaaang. I'm more disappointed about how she's handling it, though. It's like we've never even be friends. I get like, daily reports of her talking trash-- like whoa. And all those people she calls herself "venting" to agree with me. I'm just the only one who cared enough to be proactive about it. But I'm the bad one here. She's acting like I don't want her to be happy or something ridiculous like that. But aight. I won't even say I told you so.

Did y'all notice the past tense in cared? Yea. /:

I know that no friendship will ever be perfect, unless it's fake, but I'd rather have a whole bunch of different disagreements, than the same one over and over. I don't think I'll be making myself available for this kind of disagreement again. I hate when friendships expire. Especially one that meant so much. But I can't help but feel like I'll be needed before I need. It's a sad day, anyway.

And this is some crazy temptation. If I'm gonna be the bad guy either way, I might as well back up my title, right (; Ha, no. God dealt with me on that last night. Today I reminded myself that they talked about Jesus too, when all He was trying to do was spread the gospel.

Man, now that I think about it, God has been dealing with me on a LOT of stuff. I had been feeling totally vengeful about something, and it was scaring me. I didn't wanna be that way, but at the same time, I sooo did. LOL, I'd stopped praying and kept myself from reading my bible because I already knew what God was gonna say and didn't wanna hear it. Surprise, He got the message to me anyway.

I miss my mommy. Everyone can feel free to SHUT UP about your sarcastic comments. (:

But so the womens retreat was pretty goooood! I loved spending all that time with Bekah and Nicole. The sermons were a lot of backing what I already knew. And lets just say, "some things never change" has been praised out of my thought process. Things change according to God's perfect time, not according to our own impatient, selfish wants.

I wanna tell Jehwet that I'm totally having my cake and eating it too, but I don't wanna tell him the details cuz he'll shake his head at me... like everyone else is seemingly doing xD

Mrs. D'spain is my favorite teacher evar. x]

ABDC tonight, woot! And praise God for Friday, which is definitely tomorrow.

#ohhappyday

I should have known this was coming. :D

So yesterday, actually right after I posted that "end of the world" blog, I had an intense conversation with my BFF Alicia. She put me in check, hard. She said that I was switching acceptance with healing and that why I still cry sometimes. I keep making excuses for him, but the bottom line is I was hurt. And that's it. Not "I was hurt but it's okay because blah blah blah and he only meant womp womp womp." I want there to be some method to this madness, always. "But he had to be justified in hurting me so badly." She so did not like me saying that. She said that it wasn't my place to excuse his actions, because I don't actually have the knowledge to complete such an action. And then she yelled at me more when I told her it's been too long fer me to still be concerned with this. "If you cared about him the way you say you did, it's going to take more than a few months to heal. The way you feel won't altar reality, and the reality is your heart is broken." This is like a whole new world for me xD

But duh, I'm not mad at him, so that always helps.

Man I remember back in the day when I couldn't get Alicia to open up to me for NOTHIN'. I've always just been so drawn to having a friendship with her, and now I totally see the reason. She used to be so down all the time and it hurt me to see that because I couldn't ever change her circumstances. But as of late, she has fallen in love with the Lord. *stops to do a praise dance* And now she's preaching His love to me the way I used to preach it to her. I really hope she gets to come to DBU with me. We're so gonna be roommates. And BFFs... FINALLY.

I also talked to Kylie. She made me more aware of something, as well. She said that instead of facing it, I'm running from it. I'm running to God, so it's definitely an appropriate run. I still don't quite understand what she was saying, but I feel like theres some truth to it, nonetheless.

Have y'all noticed how blessed I am to have such a support group? :D

Yesterday before church, I was REALLY testy, because I was thinking about how I wanted worship to be perfect. Everyone in the youth band is a minister, and it's our job to usher the Spirit into service. I was listening to the song list and realizing how amazing it was and... blah. What I'm trying to explain really is irrelevant because God moved all up IN that thang! Freedom: chains were breaking loose. You Hold Me Now: people were praising Him in advance. Fire Fall Down: we were calling out to Him for more.

I don't know if everyone hit the right notes at all times, and I don't know if the vocals were loud enough but obviously, none of that stuff even mattered. To be honest, I'm not completely sure what was going on the whole time. I was so lost in the worship, asking God to send the fire. There was an altar call for people who had a burden they didn't want anymore. Hello. I came off the stage and asked Nicole to pray for me, and lemme tell you, I FELT that prayer.

So today, my outfit is cute, my heart is warm, my smile is big, and my God is good.

I'm looking forward to my hair appointment this afternoon, and ABDC. That little Asian judge man is so sexy. I'm also pretty excited to see my husband Sterling (;

Tomorrow I'm leaving school early and going to my future school with Karla. And then we're heading to Bekah's house for the Womens Retreat this weekend at the campgrounds. I wasn't going to go, but Nicole told me God told her I need to be there. That in itself tells me great things are gonna go down.

The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all. :D

#goodmorning

You know how some things nevar change and you don't really get over them, you just get used to them. Except for the times where you suddenly aren't used to them. Nothing I want to discuss. But you know, that one thing that always bothers you until the end of forever even after you think you're done with it. When you really should have been done with it a long time ago. But... some things never change. I've prayed about it a lot, and now I'm starting to think God wants me to be trapped forever. I wish it was something that was just my own fault. I wish I had blatantly messed up. I wish there weren't so many loose ends everywhere. I'll stop talking about this now, though. I know theres a reason, but I wish He'd tell me because sometimes I let it keep me from living my fricken life. And sometimes I cry. And everything makes me remember. But it wasn't even my fault. It just happened to me, and now it's going to consume me, because some things never change. And I know I don't "need" for it to fix itself. Because Jesus is all I'll ever need. I just wish... I don't even know what I wish anymore. I wish I didn't still cry sometimes. This type of thing hurts my pride. Vomit, vomit, embarrassment, vomit.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too."

From what I can tell, I can't have anything. Being 'over it' is not a real life concept; it's an untruth you tell yourself so you'll get up in the morning. Cuz joy comes in the morning, right? And all of the lies you tell yourself to get there. I'm starting to feel like a victim. I used to feel like an innocent bystander who showed up at the wrong time.

It's the morning, but I'm not sure what came today. I don't even want to deceive myself anymore.

And what's great about all of this is I can't even break down the way I need to during worship today, because I have to freaking lead it. I'm not mad at God, I'm pissed beyond measure at this piece of crap world, and all it's murders who kill the good in people without even being phased. These murderers-- they've gone unaffected and I can't even get past it. But it's not the murderer that makes me cringe. It's the fact that I've been murdered.

Lol, this is some bull. School is far today.

Dear Lane Harper, my life would suck without you. Thank you for always listening to me hurt about the same things, and saying funny things to make them better. "I'm gonna play my bass on the ground and stare at you." LOL, you don't even know how that has affected my day. You are such a cool kid, and I love you.

#kadesh

I'd say these past few days have been quite the adventure.

Ashley is a suck. Yes she is, indeed. But who needs her company, when I have new STUFF. Haha, I got a new purse (or two) and my senior breakfast dress. I'm really happy about my fossil bag, because it's a spring/summer purse; but it's material, so when it gets dirty it'll be easy to clean. In the past I've tried to manage white soft leather purses that get all marked up at school and it's just been a disaster. But I say NO MORE. That dress is pretty epic, too. It's like kinda formal and kinda casual so I can totally dress it up or down depending on the occasion. It's going to be cute at church on Graduation Sunday, too. Yayyy, stuff!

I'm trying to figure out how to discuss with you the malfunction that went down in my brain on Saturday night. You know how sometimes you keep suppressing the same kind of hurt no matter how many times it comes up, and then the most insignificant reflection of that hurt appears, and you explode all over everything and everyone? Mhmm.

So of course yesterday at church I needed God to tell me something. Oh, He told me something, alright.

Pastors sister was there leading worship. She's so cute. Anyway, midway through worship she starts talking about how if you want to do something, you just gotta go for it. And then she says something along the line of "If you can sing-- you in the front, I feel like you can sing." I'm totally looking at Krystal asking if she's talking to her. And then she proceeds, "Yes, I'm talking to you, the one who's looking around." I'm freaking out by now. "If you wanna sing, just go for it!" And then she started talking about other stuff, thank God.

So I'm stressing myself out about things that aren't even my responsibility, and God tells me to sing bigger. Kay. Gotta say though, I sang my heart out at band practice that afternoon :P

By the wayyy, Chrystal Cole ROCKED bible study. She's getting down to the real stuff that we need to hear at this age, and I'm loving it. I hope this happens more often. 2 Peter, chapter 2: not for the weak in spirit.

I've been doing sooo good with going with the flow. I honestly don't know what happened, but all yesterday afternoon, I was like "Really, God? Like ferserious? Why?" And today when I came home from school, He extra randomly gave me the answer. "Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you in due time, casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for you." He gots this, that's why, haaa.

Man, yo. It's crazy how my good intentions have been twisted into some madd evil. I saw a friend hurting and thought there was something I could do about it, so I tried. I saw an opportunity for someone else to gain from my loss, and thought I was doing the right thing by saying okay. Now look. "Good intentions", huh.

I went into a laughing fit of rage during government today. I actually had to leave the classroom to calm down xD

I haven't read my bible in a minute. Wanna know why? Cuz I told myself I'd start on Revelation, and now I'm scared. Not scared of what it says is coming, cuz I know my Lord has me covered and blanketed, buuuut... man idk. I should probably stop putting it off, though.

Something's wrong with Jared, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it on Wednesday. Bet.

I swear, I always fall for your type. It's the same stuff that gets me, and that will probably always get me. It's okay though. I told God this morning that He'd better help me guard my heart, because I clearly can't do it on my own. And I'm not playin'.

I'm ever amazed at what God is doing in my life and in the lives of others. Do you know what Kadesh means? It means He's holy! Holy means set apart, above, and different. He's not like us! Bask in it. I sure am.

This week will be a good one, in the high name of Jesus. No sweeter name. -continues to holy roll-