#curtaincall

I'm just a little sad at the moment.

My bestfriend broke up with me last night. You read that correctly. I think there might be more to it, but he simply just doesn't feel the same as he did in the beginning. That's not his fault. He can't help the way he feels, just like I can't help the way it hurts.

The let down was so straight and narrow. Nothing was the way it should have been, for more time than I knew I could stand. Who really wants to let go-- of their bestfriend at that. He said that the relationship stopped being in the best interest of our friendship, which we'd agreed from the beginning to always put first. He was right. He was forgetting the song in my heart, and it didn't matter whether or not I knew his; the details are terrible.

Neither one of us are dumb, and there isn't that much hope (or even denial) in the world. The last efforts to keep us were genuine... weren't they? Except that they only sharpened the blade. I was ready to just let go, until the last efforts distorted my vision and pumped the blood back into my heart.

So I couldn't directly see what was coming, and my heart beat as if everything were going to be okay. Last night was rough, and long. I tried to keep from crying, and I was at times deliberately hurtful. We were both so broken: for different reasons that perhaps still won't ever be okay. He said he doesn't know what God has planned.

This is a new type of hurt. Jerrett says heartbreak is its own sickness. He's not lyin, lol. I'm tired. Five hours of heavily interrupted sleep doesn't work out too well. My stomach doesn't even do its job anymore, and throwing up is so disgusting. Crying really does hurt my self esteem.

Last night I was hurting. This morning I was vengeful; I used mean words and did immature things. I don't think anyone can really blame me though, lol. And then out of nowhere, its like God gave me a much needed hug, and I was peaceful. I didn't wanna get wasted tonight, (something that had been planned since Wednesday) I didn't wanna raise hell-- I wanted my bestfriend back. I found a pair of big girl panties to wear long enough to tell him that, ha.

All of this is more complicated than it has to be. Last night I thought my bestfriend didn't have a choice but to leave right along side my boyfriend. But right now I need my bestfriend to hold me and tell me that the pain my ex is causing will come to pass. I mean... you guys do realize that's the same person, right? I wonder who my heart will recognize on Sunday.

This is mostly awful, but I have a great support system: Jennifer, Magen, Candace, Alice, Jerrett, Alisha, Devon, Durdana, Usama, Kylieboo, and my very bestfriend Matthew. My mom was there for me at three in the morning when she probably shouldn't have even been awake. My dad called and made sure he didn't need to go hunt anyone down. He's sweet, right? My BFF Jamee came and babysat so I wouldn't sit in the house and go crazy. We ran some errands, and she bought me a freaking amazing bead set. Don't judge me.

I guess it's New Years Eve, huh. My mom's going out. Kylieboo invited me to her party, but I think I'm gonna spend this one alone. Or maybe I'll invite God. I still haven't prayed. I need to stop worrying.

I'm probably more than just a little sad at the moment.

#twentytwentysurgery

And the lyrics are as follows:

I'll take with me every single luxury when I leave
You could count on me for that and nothing more
(Count on me for that and nothing more)
The view from this side's not what
The view from this side's not what
I thought it'd be, promise something differently
Close our eyes and let go of the wheel

It's not the quantity that bothers me
(no it's not the quantity that bothers me)
No it's not the quality that bothers me... it's the means

Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
For cheap, dollar signs are up, for picture perfect point of view

Well all young children listen, 'cause they've got so much to learn
(Turn it in, turn it in)
We'll get you home in time to make the rent (should be for free for being me)

It's not the quantity that bothers me
(no it's not the quantity that bothers me)
No it's not the quality that bothers me... it's the means

Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
For cheap, dollar signs are up, for picture perfect point of view

I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
You don't you just don't... leave me alone.
I don't, I don't need you like you think I do
(I don't think you get it.)

Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
Dollar signs doll up a picture perfect point of view
Twenty-twenty surgery
Well, twenty twenty surgery for cheap
For cheap, dollar signs are up, for picture perfect point of view

You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.
You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.
You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.
You're so sensitive; I am, I am a machine.

-Taking Back Sunday

When it's all said and done, I'm sure I will have taken more than I ever had to offer. We knew better; we were told better. But wasn't this supposed to be something greater? Maybe my perception of what's great is just a little skewed. Maybe if we just stop steering, we'll get there.

Its not the fights, the resolves, the miscommunication, the distance, none of it. But if what we're getting is disproportionate to the work we're putting in... how much of this is worth it? The up and down just wears us out.

Look's like we've got some twenty-twenty surgery going on. Twenty-twenty surgery, you know? Open your eyes, and you've got perfect vision. The surgery, the change, costs less than everything we couldn't see without it.

We always fix it just in time-- just long enough to hold us over. Because who really wants to leave? I don't... because I can't help the way I feel. I guess you can't either, though.

We dont need this, but I still need you. I cant effing help the way I feel. I can't expect you to understand. I don't know what to do.

My heart has been shattered all too many times. I hope yours hasn't. I can't count on my heart, but I don't want my brain to be right. I want us to be right.

#merrychristmas

My Matthew is greater than your whoever, AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT. I cant believe he came over here without a jacket, though D:< Yea, let him get sick. He's freaking cute in pink. Like, omgsh.

This morning I woke up and I wasn't in the spirit at all. I hid in my bed for like an hour, because I wanted my mommy to think I was still sleep. Alisha talked me into going downstairs and being social, so I did. Then we came back upstairs and opened presents. My mommy got me the CUTEST watch. Haha, you know what she put in my stocking? Scratch-offs, wassuuuuuup!

Good stuff, right? But the presents still didn't necessarily make me feel better, because at this point I still wanted to set the Christmas tree on fire. Omgsh, and then my mommy started irritating the crap out of me. Her Christmas spirit was crashing with my scrooge spirit and it was just not working. But then... something amazing happened. Jaggy heard I was having a bad day and came over and gave me a hug before he went out to see his other friend. I don't know; that really helped cheer me up. He is Christian, but his family his Hindu, and so they weren't celebrating at all, yet he had more Christmas spirit than me.

I talked to my grandma. I love her! She's cooking dinner for her and her boo, and omgsh shes so fly. I swear she's 21 on the inside. I think I'll go up there this summer :3

So then here comes my Matthew, cute as CRAP in his pink Hollister shirt, bringing me the most ahmazing snuggie you will never own. And if you do have a pink snuggie, its not the same, cuz it wasn't from my Matthew. I'm positively going to be smiling for the next six hours.

I really feel like I have so many legit reasons to be down about today; I'm so disappointed in myself. It's like Christmas came and now its about to leave and... ugh, I don't even know. But you know what?! God is so good. This is the day we celebrate the birth of Jesus! My life would SUCK without Jesus! Happy Birthday, Friend! Ahhh...!

So my dad is about to come get me, so I can have Christmas over there with him, his gf, his gfs daughter, his gfs daughter's bf, and his gfs brother (LOL this all sounds so ghetto). More presents, I think? I wonder what my dad ended up getting me. His girlfriend BETTER had got me something. We're having steak and crab legs for dinner. Delicious. I hope all goes well.

My life is good. The people in my life are greater. My God is THE greatest. Merry Christmas, everyone <3

#ghettochristmas

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve. That's cute.

I am heavily disappointed in myself this Christmas. And it's for reasons I probably shouldn't be, but I can't help it! Christmas is about giving, like how God gave His son, right? The only people who have gotten gifts from me are my palees, because its part of my grade. And their gifts weren't even that great! Last year my palees got things I knew they'd love, because I knew them. This year, they both got the same thing: two Junie B. Jones books. I'm so ashamed. Last year for my friends, I took the time to wrap up the big Hershey's chocolate bars and movie size boxes of candy, and gave them out. Ha, I remember Ria being SO excited to get that box of Sour Patch Kids because she's Muslim and it was the first Christmas gift she'd ever received. Reactions like hers make my heart super happy. Wanna know what I did this year? Not a dang thing. No candy canes, no generic cards, no nothing. It's my dads responsibility to get my mommy a present [funny how that works, huh], but I don't even have a card for her to read when she gets up on Saturday. This is so sad TT.TT

I haven't even managed to get my Matthew his present yet, and it's going to be soooo late. -_- I guess thats not my fault because of the transportation situation, but I still feel like garbage. And he's so thoughtful! He was going to get me a stuffed pony; my eyes totally got watery when he told me that. You guys don't understand, its kay. Apparently now it's something better, though. What could be better than a stuffed pony? I don't know. He's so thoughtful, and I'm so not. Ugh.

At the same time though, I haven't asked anyone for anything, not even my parents. As far as material things go, I'd say I have everything I need: my stereo, my iPod, my phone, my camera... what's left? I wouldn't DARE ask him to buy me clothes. I'll hold out on asking for a new laptop till graduation. Ha, my dad, he's so cute. He called me today from the mall, asking what I wanted (even though I've told him a number of times I don't need anything), and he got mad at me! You'd think after all the stuff I ask him for on a regular basis, he'd just run with it. My mom got an attitude, too, when I told her I didn't want anything, but what's new? Maybe I haven't asked for anything because I feel bad for not giving. Or maybe its just different this year; you guys won't believe how my priorities have changed.

As ghetto as this Christmas is turning out to be, I really have tried to be in the spirit-- way more than I have in the past. In the past, my mentality was "the Christmas tree and decorations can all suck it." Up until last year, Christmas had gone from bad to worse, and I was tired of getting excited for disasters. It's already a struggle for me to be happy during holidays that celebrate family, because well... duh. This year though, I put up the tree before my mommy could even come upstairs to help. Thats a big step for me, guys.

I'm going to my dad's house for Christmas dinner. I haven't been over there for Christmas since, like, fifth grade. That should be... interesting. I honestly have no clue how Saturdays events will go, or how I'll be feeling when I wake up. But I know I'm gonna be celebrating Jesus all day. He is the reason for the season, after all :3

#tonguetiedandterrified

Right now, I need for an abundance of people to bum-rush me with a whole list of good things that happened to them today.

I didn't go to church yesterday. But apparently I didn't miss too much. Everyone that did go seemed to be miserable, and Jacob wasn't there. You know what I did do yesterday? Watch Sunday Night Ramp service. Thaaat was some good stuff. Casey, his cute self, was talking about a lot of things. 1] How sometimes Christians get jealous of other Christians blessings and position. 2] How the church is NOT a democracy, and seniority does not determine your power. 3] How sometimes Satan will attack us right after an advance, because we'll stop seeking once we reach our "goals". 4] How sometimes the same characteristics God blessed us with, Satan uses against us. I could really relate to that one. God blessed me with a really big heart to love on people, but that same heart is used way too often to hurt those who hurt me, or even who have the potential to hurt me. He said that people are most commonly disqualified from their blessings, because of their tongue. Yeaaaaa. He talked about how God is just as quick to forget our sins, as he is to forget our righteousness when we start acting up. I'm still not sure how I feel about that one, lol. I need to watch the Ramp wayy more often.

Dood, I need a perm. And a magic carpet too, huh. Ha.

I'm on the way back up, it feels. Crashing from that spiritual high I had been on for so long, was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. And when I started to pick myself up from the floor, I immediately wanted to get back what I had: but it doesn't work that way. And so now I'm just starting over, and thats exactly what is it. I remind myself of how I was when I first started to take my walk seriously, lol. Waking up for church on Sunday mornings is a problem again. I don't read my bible. I'm starting to pray, but I'm not quite there yet. I need a muzzle, again. I guess if God has forgotten how good I was doing, I ought to also. Its not coming back anytime soon, and remembering just makes me seek Him with my flesh, and not with my heart.

I helped Alisha today, so that she wouldn't put herself through the same foolery my mistakes and miscommunication put me through. That made me feel good. Me and Durdana are supposed to eat delicious food and study for Macadec tomorrow. She better not bail on me. I need her.

Here's tongue-tied: I love you. I think terrified speaks for itself.

#screamlouder

Taking Back Sunday and Mayday Parade before school this morning. I woke up in that kind of mood. And then I put on a shirt that says "we will be the hopeful", lmao. I slept GOOD last night, weird right?

My last Christmas concert was tonight. OMGSH I SAW SPENCER. And I saw Andy :] SO glad that crap is over, though. We sounded like garbage, but jazz band and wind symphony made me proud! I really do love music, but somehow band is still the darkest part of my life, and that's saying a lot. We get to turn in our uniforms tomorrow. Yes, please, take that nonsense away from me.

I have epic news. I'm not going to Winterfest this year, and I didn't even cry about it (almost). My acadec competition is on the same days. The interesting part is that it didn't cross my mind to not go to the competition. It's like I was on auto-unselfish mode. I didn't even think I had an unselfish mode, much less an automatic one. "Mehmeh, but Winterfest will help..." YEA, hush. God is the same those two days as He always has been and will be. But who's gonna make sure Jacob pays attention?! It's kay; this just confirms the fact that MACDEC 2010 IS GOING TO STATE: cuz if I'm missing Winterfest for them, we better.

Omgsh, guys. Advanced Health was soooo funny today. Huda was filling in for someone, playing the mean girl. And so she said her line, something about Jason being a loser, and some brilliant kid goes "LOOK WHO'S TALKING!" PAHAHAHAHA. That was too funny fer real life. That poor child got in so much trouble, though.

I completely started crying in the hallway before fifth period on the way to make up a test. And after I finished my test, I got another "You aren't yourself," from Mrs. Harper. She asked what was wrong and I cried (again -_-) and told her I just needed a cry day and that I don't even know why I came to school. She's the sweetest thing ever. She gave me a hug and told me I could talk to her whenever. Thaaat made my heart warm. <3

I'm in a rather cynical mood, it seems. I can imagine that won't be very good for the conversation I'm about to have. It's two down, tomorrow, and however many to go. *Insert a bunch of stuff I wish I could discuss on here*

Love is like fire. It takes everything, whether you're ready or not. It's dangerous, and hurtful. You have to be careful, but no one ever is. It spreads faster than you want it to... and then it burns out. None of it is fair.

College, college, college.

#notmyselftonight

Two, freakin, days. I need this break.

I've acquired a supernatural inner peace regarding this whole college thing. And yea, I finally quit tripping and started my applications. You guys know how cute I am. I saw Boston University and fell directly in love. It's not in Texas, it's in the north, it's far from everything I've always hated: BEAUTIFUL. And then (praise God) I realized that I am still indeed, well, myself. I'm not ready to leave. SHUT UP, I've been ready to leave since eighth grade! I really am just a baby, though. What if I go all the way up there and absolutely hate it. I'll be stranded and there won't even be anything I can do about it. I visited Dallas Baptist University and imagined myself growing up there. They'll foster my already fragile spirituality, and I won't be isolated from the things I've come to love. And after four years, when I still hate Texas, I'll be more grown up and can venture off safely wherever I want for my masters. So now I wanna go there. My ever-blossoming <3 for WB'S wants me to go there, too :P But does anyone know how I'm gonna pay for any of this? It's kay. God does. See what I'm talking about?

Macadec 2010 is going to state, just sayin'. It's because we have swagg. (: I'ma need my SAT scores to come back. I know I beasted that test and the proof would be GREAT. Irving Schools Foundation scholarships are more far than they should be.

I love Josh! He preached tonight. He's such a dork, my favorite <3. What consumes your heart? I couldn't think of a specific thing, but I know whatever it is, it's all wrong. Altar call was pretty epic. "Tears swelled from the bottom of my stomach, and although I couldn't speak..." I hope He understood.

What am I doing these days, and more importantly: why? I don't remember, so why am I still participating? But how could I have forgotten? What are you doing? Do you still remember? It's not the same, but maybe its not supposed to be.

I HATE having my character misjudged. I hate being judged period. If you don't know me, you don't have anything to say about me, end of story. I don't care what you think you know because you have the URL to my blog, kay? I dislike being misunderstood, but I don't expect anyone to know better. Stiiiiiiill bitter. Way attractive, right? Whatever (but that's a bad word).

"You don't act like yourself." People who notice change make my heart warm; and perhaps I don't act like myself anymore, but do you really know who I am in the first place? Gotcha.

So perhaps I'll be myself tonight: the one I know, not any of you.

This morning Megha gave me a survey about religion, and asked me to do it for her, cuz she knows how I roll. Needless to say, I went ham on it.

Name: Crystal Gomes
Age and Grade: 17 and senior
Religion: Christian - Penecostal
Ethnicity: African-American
Views on God: He is the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last. He is above all things, through all things, and in Him all things consist. He is the Lord our healy, our provider, our victory, and our peace. He is good, all the time. Gosh, I love God!
Family influence on views of God: My mommy is a Christian, but she never made me go to church. Once upon a time, when I elementary school, I said I didnt want to go, and never really started again until sophomore year on my own accord. Now she is very gald for my faith, and supportive.
View on religion in general: Religion is a practice. God doesnt want your realtionship with him to be a forced habit. There is no "right" way to pray to God, worship Him, or spend time with Him.
Do you attend a place of worship regularly? With our without family? Yes. Grace Point Church of God. My mommy attends a difference church-- Calvary. I dont like the atmostphere there, so I choose not to go with her.
How do you think religion influences your daily life? (I crossed out religion, and put faith, lol) My faith in Jesus influences my life in such a positive way. I'm not trapped in sin from my past, because they've all be forgiven. I dont have to worry about things I can't control, because I know He is already taking car of it. He inspires me to be a better person (like Him).
What do you think influences your views on religion most? I believe what I believe because I know how I felt the night I gave my life to Christ. Up until then, I'd been so broken down, but the instant I cried out to God at that altar, I felt the peace of God that surpasses all understanding. There came a point where I couldnt cry anymore, and suddenly I felt like I had a purpose. My spirit was so light and free... I've never been the same. Praise God.

Ayeee, its Friday, and I'm off school next week! I needa start making plans, cuz I am NOT about to be in my house all week. I definitely need to make sure I see Karen and Jennifer. I'd like to chill with Taylor, too, but she's mean to me and never wants to play with me anymore. ): Actually, maybe I should stay in the house and do college stuff... but that gives me heartburn, so its not important.

Call Fox 4, Kylie is coming back to F51. I've missed her sooo much. Call CNN, I'm staying in praise band. Lord be with me xO

Last night my heart attacked me with a whole bunch of crap I thought I'd gotten past. I don't wanna talk about it, but I guess I need to. Arghhh :/ It gives me heartburn, but I cant exactly say its not important.

"Things are looking up, oh finally." - Hayley Williams. #truestory

:D

This past weekend was simply amazing.

On Friday, I went out to eat with Emily Marie and her beautiful mother at Empress of China. Her mommy paid for me, ayee. So like, we wanted to go see Saw 3D, but the movie theatre people were being extra anal and wouldn't believe me when I said I'm 17because I don't have a license. #getouttaherebro So we walked around Irving Mall (bleh) to kill sometime and attempt to enjoy our first real Friday night of freedom from the wrath of Mr. Duff. The last two games were on Thursdays, but I didn't go to school either of the following Fridays, soooo... :P

On Saturday, I went with Alisha and Elizabeth to Denise and Jeff's house. Denise took us out to eat at Olive Garden, and then we went to Sam's and Walmart, trying to avoid having to move stuff for Amber and Jairus. Anddd, once we got there, we barely helped; we decided laying in Angel's bed and blasting Jesus music would be more effective. Their new house is definitely in the middle of nowhere. The street it's on, isn't even registered on the GPS. It's super cute though, and perfect for them... even though Walmart is like 17 miles away? (Yeaaaa, that's pretty ridiculous if you ask me. My heart will probably tell you something different though, arghh.) It was really nice to see the Shaw's again. Alisha was all cracked out and with her smokers cough the whole time. Rolling on the floor and stealing ALL the candy; she's too much.

They brought us to church on Sunday morning, and SORRY, but I super did not wanna be there. I was on my phone during bible study for the first time in history. Yea, it was that serious. Service was directed toward the men, so I was really SOL then. And then I had band practice... ugh. We learned "Our God" by Chris Tomlin, and I love that song. I really just cannot understand why I don't enjoy being in praise band. I love Jesus, and I love singing, so I CAN'T SEE THE PROBLEM. My angryface comes on everytime I step on that stage. I never worship up there. Yea, I'll just keep complaining until the circumstances change on their own, ha.

I'm a bad kidd, and I definitely skipped choir practice to spend time with my boo. It's kay, guys! I'll be there next week. Anywho, thaaaaat was funtimes, although I'm not sure how I stayed awake. Mamabear and William took us out to eat at Mexican Inn. Brisket tacos = delicious. Then we went to Ca- Ca-... something. It's a nature store. Really big and really freaking cute. They have a bunch of dead, stuffed animals floating around everywhere: mostly deer but they definitely had an elephant, a tiger, a cougar, and a monkey. I saw some dreamcather earrings... they were hawt. I got "bit" by an evil rabbit (really, Matthew was playing games with a puppet and pinched me). Then we went to Bass Pro Shop and had some sweet nuts xD. We ended up stopping at the sexy shopping center in Las Colinas, and me and my Matthew sat on the benches outside while everyone else shopped around. There's more to it... but you guys wouldn't understand. <3

On a less joyful note: on Tuesday, something bad happened. I exploded on God. It was really just the build up of undealt-with disappointment and confusion over the past two months; the fight had worn me down and out. I scared my love half to death. I'm back to normal now though, I guess. Its more like a standstill, and instead of pushing to move forward, I'm trying to keep from falling backwards. I haven't been reading my bible, but I'm not gonna force it right now. I don't know what else to say, and I don't know what will make this better. I bought a journal in an effort to keep this from happening again, but I can't find the drive to pick up the pen and write. I'm in need of some intense divine intervention.

Today I get to go see Miss Michelle, and then I have to be at the IISD building for some reception crap for this National Acheivement nonsense. I really wish these people would leave me alone. I'm not gonna finalize xD.

Lead Me - Sanctus Real. There's something about that song. "Lead me with strong hands. Stand up when I can't. Dont leave me hungry for love, chasing dreams-- but what about us? Show me you're willing to fight: that I'm still the love of your life..."

Who needs a pony? I have everything I'll ever need and want. It's a month on Wednesday. One down, infinity to go? <3

Once Upon A Time

Acadec Speech:

I can remember a time in my life when the future was uncertain, and happiness was only something that happened to other people. I didn't know where I was going to be ten years from now; I didn't know who or what I wanted to be, and sometimes I thought it made more sense to not be at all. Such a broken state of mind effected every aspect of my life. Socially, I was distant from my peers, and high school experiences became less and less of a priority. I was past the point of smiling for everyone else, when no one cared to cry for me. Academically, I put forth minimal effort, and the little work I did do was an ill-constructed pacifier for my parents. I disregarded any reasoning behind the tedious studying and infinitely numerous assignments. Emotionally, I was numb. Continuously feeling unloved, and unsuccessful, and like I would never have a place in this world had stopped hurting. I knew the meaning of “rock-bottom”, and as far as I was concerned, there was no light at the end of the tunnel.

I knew there was a God, and although I'd given up on Him, the hope that He would somehow make my life into something beautiful never left the back of my mind. Midway through my sophomore year, I heard news that one of my favorite bands was going to be performing at Winterfest, a three day christian conference, and that I could go with my friend and her youth group. I thought it would serve as a mini-vacation from everything I hated, and decided I should go, even if only for the music. The band performed on a Friday, the first day, and I thought that's where my enthusiastic participation would end, but God had something different in store for me.

The next night's sermon captivated my attention and spoke directly to my heart. I was horribly dismantled and nothing I'd tried in the past could keep me together, but the pastor offered me a new hope; he offered me the never-failing love of God. There was an altar call and every emotion I'd locked away for the past two years came rushing back to me all within thirty seconds. My heart started to beat slow and heavy, and I found myself making my way to the front of the stage. I closed my eyes, and let it all out: the anger, the hurt, the disappointment. The tears swelled from the bottom of my stomach, and although I couldn't say anything, I knew He'd understood. By the time I'd finished crying, I could feel the arms of God holding me, letting me know He is already taking care of it, and that He has a plan.

The Lord works in the most mysterious ways. I wasn't looking for Him, but He certainly found me. I came home that next day and my peers hadn't changed, and my grades hadn't changed, and I still had more than enough reasons to be upset and sink back into that same state of mind; but something in me was different. I felt loved, and that I could be someone, and that God had a specific purpose for my life. In other words, I have never been the same.

That was almost two years ago. The first year of my walk with God was like a breathe of fresh air. I began regularly attending Freestyle51, the name of my friend's youth group. I got baptized the summer following my encounter with God, and after that, there seemed to be no stopping me. My grades picked up during junior year (as much as my less than developed work ethic would allow), and such a peace had overcome my spirit. Me and my mothers relationship was at a stand-still, but the void I needed her to fill, was overflown by God's grace. Serving Him was easy because the newness of what He did for me replayed in my heart every morning.

Now, things aren't so easy, and I'm down on my faith a lot. Living in His image gets harder everyday, because everyone around me is so against what I stand for. It seems like the closer I try to get to Him, the more far away He feels. Things happen that I don't understand. I'm finding myself slip back into my old habits, and old voids are reappearing. I don't know what will become of God and I, but I guess... “He makes all things work together for our good.”

---------------------------------------

You guys don't even wanna know how I really feel about the situation. We'll talk about that later.

#loveandlife

Marching season is over, and I'm finding I still hate band. This isn't gonna be good. I havent had a reed in like a week, and I don't even care. Top band tryouts are starting today, and I haven't looked at the music since summer. As a matter of fact, yesterday morning I skipped band to go fill out my senior crap order form, and take my senior photo. It's not weighing on my conscience at all. Not being in top band most likely means being in band with Doc: that's reaaaally not gonna be good. Sophomore year, I was almost forced to hang him. This year will be different though, because idgaf, and I do what I want. I will charge him up, no questions asked. I ordered my letterman jacket this morning, WOOP WOOP! :D

Saturday was... too wonderful for real life. I spent the whole day with my love, and his beautiful family. It was like I'd been taken from earth and very kindly placed on cloud nine. I'm trying to find the words to describe what happened. I'm not sure why I havent given up trying to share the wonders of this love with other people; there's only one person who understands my heart, and he knows what happened. I guess its too good to not want to share, but too deep for anyone else to comprehend. I'm not sure I comprehend yet, either though.

On Sunday, there was a guest speaker at church. During the first service she preached about the Holy Spirit, and how He interceeds for us every morning before we're even out of bed. That was comforting. And then she pulled the normal pentecostal bull and did an altar call for people who haven't been baptized by the Holy Ghost; and I haven't, but I've also stopped worrying about it. I didnt want to go up there at all, but I started to cry uncontrollably, and went to the alatar anyway. When I got there, I didnt know what to say to Him, so I just let my tears say it all. And then Dr. Sikes got to me and made a comment about how she knew I hadn't been sleeping well, and told me that Satan had spirits of depression and opression working together to bring me down... and the tears stopped coming from my eyes, and started pouring from the bottom of my stomach. It was almost to the point where I couldn't even stand. She prayed for me, and when I left the altar I felt so light and free. I'd call it a miracle, after what my spirit has been though these past few weeks.

The second service was all smiles. She preached about how to stay calm during a storm. It was everything I needed to hear before all this nonsense started disturbing my spirit. I will always remember "peace, be still." And Satan better remember it too. Thanks to Dr. Sikes, I've started a project in my room; I'm covering the walls with scripture. It's cute, and a mighty strong weapon, if I do say so myself :]

Today is Wednesday. Gotta be the happiest day of the week. I'm excited for the bon fire on Saturday, and whatever else may come up. My outfit is cute today. I hope Mrs. Martinez doesnt charge me up for not having my speech ready. She can suck it.

"...more than talk and thought." I hope you know those words will never leave my conscience. Mhmm, feel bad about yourself :P

#killduff

I hate band. And I know I say that multiple times every year but I'm ferreal this time. That hat kills my hair -_-

I just slightly exploded on my twitter: Band is accelerating me into a deep slump of depression. Yes, it is that serious. This hate I've been exhibiting towards band may seem silly, but this is serious. It brings my whole life down. -_- AND YOU KNOW WHAT, I'm not going to band today after school, or tomorrow, and Duff better just hope I go to UIL. And everyone better say nice things to me today or debbie downer will swiftly turn into violent vicky. Band is Satan in the form of an extracurricular activity. It's killing my grades, stealing my joy, and DESTROYING my social life. XO And for all you cool kids that were smart and got out... don't even talk to me.

School definitely does not start until 8:15, but someone please explain to me why I'm up every freaking morning at six, to be to school at 7:00. And on Tuesdays I don't get to leave until five, because I have woodwind sectionals that don't even improve anything. Fridays are for sleeping (OF COURSE WE'RE ALL TIRED BY THEN), but you know what I get to do instead? Go to the stupid football games. I don't even like football anymore. xO Saturday before last, we had a band competition that lasted until like seven thirty at night. We sucked. Last Saturday we had another competition in the MIDDLE OF NO WHERE, that wanted me to be out of my house at 10 AM, and we didn't even get back until 11 PM. I didn't go until 1:30 because really, eff band, and everyone there. I swear its like this band director is missing half a brain.

This Saturday is UIL. OH WAIT, this Saturday is Homecoming too! I can't even be exciting for my last homecoming because band, again, ruins everything. I'm gonna be rushing to get ready after we go phail at UIL. But then again, there will be an overwhelming joy that sweeps my body after competition season is over. We wont make a one, so we won't be going to area, and praise God for that. Even if the band goes to area, I ferdangsure won't be going.

I'm so tired all the time, and on Saturdays when I have a semi-opportunity to sleep in, I wake up extra early. I blame band for that too. When I get home from school everyday, I don't wanna do anything that even looks like school work. When's the last time I read for acadec? Yuhh, I don't know either. I haven't been reading my bible or spending much time with God, because I just want to get in the bed and pretend I didn't wake up at six.

Mr. Duff is like the rudest person ever! He talks to the drum majors like they're dogs, and he doesn't even care about what anyone else has to say. If you come to him, telling him your freaking mother died of cancer the night before, and that's why you missed a football game, I promise, the only response you'll get is. “Yea, alright, okay.” I hate that man with a deep flaming passion that burns from the inner core of my soul.

I've been absent a lot, because my happiness is more important than whatever Mr. Duff wants me to do. And there's this “policy” that says if you have two unexcused absences, or four unexcused tardies, then your six-weeks average will come down by ten points. I'm not keeping track, and I dont care whether he is or not, but LET my grade be affected. Like really, try me. And watch how fast me, the principal, and my mother will be raising hell in his office.

Why am I still doing this? I want my letterman jacket. God, give me strength. You know I need it.

Brainfried.

Heyy. I was trying to do this yesterday, but my internet was being super ghetto.

My school week was normal, I guess. I'm so over school. But I got an 80 on my statistics test on Friday; I also scored a 95 on my spanish retest. No C's on my progress report, ayeee :D

My love called me on Tuesday, and vented about how he feels beat up by just going into the freakin' school building. He sounded so broken, and it made me so sad. I wish he'd just come to school with me. Then we can talk about Jesus all day, and show all these nonbelievers what's really what. <3

Church on Wednesday was simply amazing. I was definitely reminded how hardcore Eric Cole can be. The sermon was about how everyone has so many ridiculous excuses about why they cant be the brightest light in school. At the end he had us light candles and see how our individual fires lit up the whole room. Sometimes I think I'm just blending and not radiating at all, but so far I've been told by two people who I look up to a lot that they can see the God in me when I get around them.

There wasn't a football game on Friday, so me, Jerrett, Artaya, Candace, and Taylor decided we were gonna go to Academy and dance at their little school function. TELL ME WHY THAT CRAP WAS LIKE A BAD QUINCE. I was so madd, they STOLE my six dollars. I was too ready to dance. Everything happens for a reason though, I suppose.

On Saturday, me, Andres, Jordan, Alicia, and Andy rode the train to downtown Ft. Worth and ate at P.F. Chang's. Andy is a retard. I wanted a piece of his broccoli, but he was being stingey because I wouldnt share my appetizer. SO, I reached my fork out to get a piece anyway, and he proceeded to take the piece I had off of my fork, and then eat every other piece on his plate. Funny part is, he doesn't even LIKE broccoli. Jordan is sexist. After everyone was done with their soup, I started to stack up the bowls and plates for the waitor. The conversation goes as follows; Jordan: Why are you doing that?! That's not your job! Me: It's called hometraining! Jordan: It's called you're a woman. LOL, right? Yea, I popped him when we got out of the restaurant :D

When we got back to Irving, we went to the park and... I had a lot of fun with Alica. Sometimes I forget how much I actually enjoy being around her because we dont see each other as much anymore. I wish she'd stop treating me like a badman, and realize I'm gonna be there for her always, though.

Soo, I'm not gonna lie. I was megatron distracted during service on Sunday morning, and I only have a vague idea of what pastor was talking about. Its not my fault though. I finally got to see Jacob; it'd been a while, lol.

My heart is in such a weird place right now. On Monday, You made me understand that theres no reason to worry. You made me feel special, even through your angry words. And I started to believe you: that I was the only one and that nothing was gonna get between us. I guess I just kind of let myself... fall, after that. But last night, you hurt me so badly, because you "stopped thinking". I dont ever stop thinking about you, not like that. Like, I stopped worrying about one girl, just to start worrying about another? I'd like to think its them, not you, but no wonder I stopped hearing about her, huh. I was so hurt, but I couldn't even cry until I heard your voice. And I called you at two in the morning because I couldn't sleep feeling so distant. You broke me down, but you're the only one who could've built me back up. I can't figure out why I'm not ready to just be done with you. I want to forgive you, and I want to trust you, and I want to go on like nothing happened. But how am I supposed to trust you now? You're always honest about your mistakes, but I can't live in love waiting for you to mess up again. I can't live in love trying to pick myself back up off the floor on a regular basis either.

My brain is so fried. I'm tired of feeling. But I love you, and I know you love me; I know you didn't ever mean for any of this to happen...

"I know I misbehave, and you've made your mistakes, and we both still got room left to grow. And though love sometimes hurts, I still put you first, and we'll make this thing work, but I think we should take it slow... We're just ordinary people." <3

It Never Stops

I'm officially over and done with school. I mean not ferreal, but in my head? Ohhhyeaaa. Getting there at seven for bandbull is, FAR. Acadec homework every night is repetitious. The people aren't that bad, but I'm still convinced my spirit would be better off elsewhere.

Hey, did I tell you guys my mom went to jail on Sunday night? Yuuup, its been a long week. My dad bailed her out the next day, but... I'm still not sure how I feel about that. He's too sweet. The funny part is: this all could have been avoided had she not been, well, my mother. Bless her heart. I died and barely came back to life that night too, figuratively speaking of course. Realistically probably would have been less painful. For the first time, I wanted to hurt you. But I never want you to hurt on my account. That's confusing. What about us isn't? Don't you read this and feel bad all over again.

I miss our Monday night prayer meetings, terribly. Shut up, I know, God is everywhere I want him to be. But the amazing support I get from being there, isn't. At least not in the way I need it to be. But I don't run anything, so it's whatever. Monday was the start of a beautiful thing; no more Calculus. Statistics is amazing. We haven't gotten into any of the math, woot.

Tuesdays were made to be fillers between Mondays and Wednesdays. If I phail ten tests [I only have seven classes a day], tumble down the stairs, and get stabbed in the neck, Wednesday will forever be a glorious day. You already know why. It completely rained Thursday morning, so we weren't subjected to early morning sweat and discomfort. God is so good to me. Thursday night, I won the homework battle. You outsiders probably think that means I did all of my work with time to spare, but really, I didn't do any of it and he couldn't make me. I love you, though ;]

We lost the football game on Friday. YEA, we drove to Plano to get womped on, when I could have been in my bed. You already know how that makes me feel. Satan got all up IN my head on bus ride back, and trying to drown it out with my bad singing and music I didn't wanna hear was a phail. To sum it up: I will continuously beat myself up trying to be perfect for you. You don't know what I'm talking about because you can't see and/or choose to disregard my infinite flaws. I don't want there to be anything to see or disregard. It's hard to explain. What about us isn't?

Saturday morning, I woke up and got my hurr did. It was a much needed appointment, if I do say so myself. And then that night I went to Midi-evil Times with Ms. Alisha Chante for her birthday. That was actually a lot of fun! Perhaps thats why I woke up in such a pleasant mood. Church this morning was... empty, but the message was superior. Kudos to Pastor Wooten. <3 Today I discovered that secular music doesn't control my emotions as much as I thought it does. Listening to music "I shouldn't be" doesn't evoke any feelings besides the joy of "hey lets dance!" I don't know; I still need to make some decisions about that.

Today I also discovered that I am one bitter something. Super, not sexy, right? I KNOW. I almost cut down the person who builds me up so much of the time, because I'm bitter. I thought I was done with that, except for the more-than-occasional violent thought I think towards her. Wake up bae, we need to talk about this...

Hey Matthew, if you're reading this: Magen keeps bothering me, saying I like you. Please make her stop, she annoys me. Pahaha.

I love Emily Edwards. <--unofficial white sister, fersure <3

School Days

School started last week. I am such a drama queen, because it's not even that bad. I love my schedule, and what's not suprising at all is the fact that my spirit gets more abused at home than it does at school. What was I worried about? Pshh.

First period is band, as always. Our new director is well, new. He does things a lot differently. Some of the changes are good, like not having night practices, but I feel like more of them are just irritating me. Second period is Counsiling and Mental Health. Can you say complete blow off class? I didn't expect it to be hard, but I did expect to learn. Third period is Academic Decathalon. I am so proud of myself! I've actually been keeping up with my work, and its not as much as it seems like it is. I really wanna make the team. Fourth period on A day is Advanced Health. There are some interesting characters in there, but I'm expecting it to be fun. How can it not be when you get to perform for elementary students and eat off campus? :P My fourth period on B day is PALs. I had fun with that last year and I'm glad I decided to do it again this year. I always thought I hated kids, but that class helped me realize that they're the best people you'll ever meet. Fifth period is AP Economics. Me, Candace, Sheyla, Artaya, and Jerrett, have too much fun in there xD. Mr. Turner teaches it but, GASP! We still manage to keep a classroom environment. Sixth period is Spanish 3. I love Mrs. Pope! She's so funny, and it kind of amazes me how a full white woman can speak such authentic spanish. Not to mention that she totally said "far" the other day, haha. Seventh period [as of now] is AP Calculus. I definitely only signed up for that class because I thought I wouldn't be able to take AP Statistics. Hallelujah, the Lord is faithful and I should have a schedule change coming through on Monday. Sixth period will be AP Statistics, and seventh period will be Spanish 3. The only sacrafice was that instead of taking AP psychology next semester, I'll have to take... something else? I don't remember. It's a garbage class though. I was just happy to have been set free from Calculus and the wrath of Mr. Tillerson. xD

Last night was my last first football game and halftime performance. I can't believe I'm a senior. I have to do something about college! I have to be able to keep it together when everything starts to end! I have to make memories that will last forever. xO What am I going to do with myself? D:

Living with my mother is getting out of hand. Sometimes this house feels like prison. I have so much built up resentment towards her, I kind of don't think it'll ever mellow out. I dont look up to her anymore, she doesn't make me smile anymore, it's just a mess. I should be used to it, I should be over it, but I'm not. Silly me. Oh my goodness. Thursday night, my Lyric May had to experience the devastation of being alive. Not cool at all, she's only two! My heart seriously just broke when I heard her start to cry, but at least I was there to hold her while the grown ups acted like they weren't grown.

Hey. Hey you. Yes, you. I hate her, because she makes me feel so insignificant. You have way more history with her than with me, and you think that just because you say she doesnt matter that I'm supposed to believe that in my heart. I wish I could, because I know you only say things that you mean. And I'll deal with it as fast as I can, I promise. It's my problem, not yours.

But back to happiness, and friends, and joy.

Band isn't the same without Christopher Del Monte. Why don't me and Jamie Bell ever see each other? I need for Magen Thornton to drop out of college and come back to me. I miss Theodore Beyene, oddly, or perhaps not that oddly, lol. Keithbear is a traitor. I'm so proud of Alisha Harper-Motte. School is really messing up me and Jennifer West's friendship... or maybe it's that dumb job of hers! I'm going to kidnap Shey Stults and not even feel bad about it. I love Matthew Argenbright. F51 is still the light of my life. God is so good, although I am so unworthy. Praise Him.

Go away, I dislike you.

In June, I posted one of my poems called "Mad". I think I might have been casting bad omens over my life when I wrote that poem, because omgsh. The freaking poem has come to life.

In the poem, he's asleep, and she's trying to be quiet so that he wont wake up and see all of the bad things locked up inside her heart that come out in the middle of the night. And she's fighting her demons with everything she has, but they win. And she's hurt because she thought she'd gotten good at keeping them under wraps. And then her feelings become so misplaced, and she just starts to physically break down. Then to top it all off, right in the middle of such a glorious moment in her life, he wakes up...

How inconvenient, right?

"I cannot let him see this dangerously deluded monster creeping, crawling out of me." I know right! Because I'm telling you how bad its gonna get, and I'm urging you to just leave so you wont be subjected to such nonsense, but I don't wanna demonstrate. I wish you'd listen, so this wouldn't happen again.

"Kick, fight, bite, and SCREAM." Yo, I don't just let these things get inside my head. Although I'm thinking I should now, because it doesn't even matter anymore. You've already seen; I don't think theres much left thats worth fighting to hide.

"In fear of myself, and with all that I've done, the worst is still yet to come..." Look. I've felt systematically beaten down by everyone that was supposed to build me up since I was old enough to know that I needed to be loved. "What happened?" Nothing happened: life happened. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; and unfortunately their actions have triggered certain reactions. I would have been fine if you didn't make me give away my swagg, like I didn't need it or something. Since all I have now is raw emotion, I'm sure its all downhill from here. Do yourself a favor. I'll be okay, and you'll be even better.

The last two lines say: "And he has come to the realization that I am no good for him." Whats the hold up, bae?

I Hate This Part...

Let me just say this again: I DON'T WANNA LOSE MY BEST FRIEND OVER SOMETHING SILLY.

Lane says that sometimes the truth hurts more than a lie. He's a smart kidd.

Last night I was jealous... because I knew she was with you, and thats where I wanted to be. And when I texted you, I wasn't going to say anything about it because thats not my place, but you... why are you so honest with me? And since when have I preferred ignorance over bliss? Its not that I'd rather you lie, its that I wish the whole truth didn't make me want to self destruct.

Jennifer says that if I don't start communicating with you, telling you how I feel, all the bad things that could ever happen will definitely happen.

That used to not be a problem. I know I can always tell my best friend anything. But I think that the circumstances are making me forget that you are, indeed, my best friend. It's unacceptable on my part, and I hope you'll be patient and forgiving until I learn how to do better. The circumstances make me want to run when you need me to stay, and even when I need to stay. And I don't recall running from anything, but with you its like my first instinct.

I keep saying that everything will be alright, but I don't know that I mean it.

I can't even explain the extent of what my mind was subjected to last night. I was mad at you for hurting me, and I was mad at me for letting myself be hurt in the first place. And I was so sad... but I couldn't cry until I stopped focusing on what you did, and started to realize what I didn't do. And then I was sorry for not being there.

I love you so much, and not saying it is unnatural, but how am I supposed to say that and not remember? How am I supposed to open up and make myself vulnerable when I know what can happen. That's why I've been running, and thats why I wouldn't communicate. I'm scared for us.

You say you're a horrible person.

Being confused doesn't make you evil. Thinking about how wrong you are takes the fear out of my heart: and then it makes me love you... which puts the fear right back in. What are we gonna do?

Whatever you do, don't worry about me! I'm perfect as long as I have my BFF, and he's happy.

<3

Um. I still really don't know whats going on in my life.

Band camp started on Monday; I absolutely HATE being around all those people who remind me of my old self and make it hard for me not to slip back into my old ways. I love them, but I don't love the effect they have on me. Sigh.

My heart has been mostly conflicted. But Jennifer helped me realize today that, I don't wanna lose my best friend over something silly. I actually get pretty scared when I start to think about it. And the best thing to do would be to just talk it out, right? But I don't wanna go there... LOL, and today I felt my first wave of intense jealousy. What an adventure; here we goooo. ;]

I figured we'd just have poetry time since I'm not mentally able to talk about anything else :P

System Error

This love has conquered all
Yet undivided, now we fall
Because you have got the best of me
And we won’t ever be the same”

It’s the way that I love you
Like our lungs love the air
But the oxygen supply
Won’t support the wear and tear
It’s the way that you love me
Like our hearts love the beat
But the blood flow is slowing down
System error to replete
And I am surely suffocating
My body cannot bear the waiting

Except that is what I know to do
Hold by breath and wait for you
And I try to stay alive
Reminiscing once upon a time
Because you promised happily ever after

I’m afraid our picture perfect has shattered
Its tiny parts are all too faded, too scattered
We aren’t brave enough for heartbreak
So we settle for heartache
And we pick up the pieces
To make the same mistakes

I love you like you love me
But perhaps we just weren’t meant to be
But wait just a minute, you have to know
That I won’t ever let this go.

“This love has got the best of me
and we wont ever be the same”

I wonder what prompted me to write that. Have you ever been so dependent on someone that when they weren't there you found yourself breaking down? But you never thought in advance to protect your heart because they we're supposed to stay. And it seems like a one-way pain, but both of you are feeling the burn. And you try to make it better, but you don't change anything, and by the time you just let go... you've got permanent scars from so many broken pieces.

My life is great. My friends are greater. My God is greatest. <3

The Ramp

On Sunday night I got back from a trip to "The Ramp" in Alabama with my youth group. I'm not sure what happened to me spiritually during those two and a half days, but something definitely happened. The sermons weren't quite what I needed to hear and I didn't get baptized, but I worshiped like I hadn't in a long time. By the time we'd got back, I felt really close to the youth who went, and especially to the Shaw family. Jeff, Denise, Amber, and Jairus are truly God-sent. They've seen the fire and they know how to help us bring it.

I didn't have a clear spiritual break through. I didn't get baptized in the Holy Spirit and start speaking in tongues. I think I'm still in the same place I was before I left; I'm ready to see Grace Pointe Church explode all over the metroplex in the name of Jesus. And even more, I'm ready to see myself explode all over anything I can. I know God didn't put me there for no reason, so maybe I wasn't there for myself. Maybe I was there for other people. And actually, I'm honored.

Me and Kylie were together on the car ride there and in we stayed in the same room. We built such a new and strong friendship, right when she needed it. I don't know how to explain this next part, but me and Alisha made up. On the last night there was a hug, tears, and apologies. Praise God. She is turning into such a wonderful person.

So now I'm back home and its like theres a constant wonder/worry about whats going to happen next. Are we going to be able to keep the drive for the fire? How are we going to keep that drive? I have absolute trust in God, and if theres anyone I believe in, its the people in F51. Maybe I'm wondering how I'm going to keep the drive... I don't know! I'm still trying to take in everything that happened over those two and a half days...

Something happened, thats fersure. Because the devil is attacking at all angles. I'm feeling slothful because I was so spiritually worn out, and I don't wanna pray or read my bible: but I'm doing it anyways. Satan is on his game trying to set our youth group against each other. Me and Magen got into it for the first time yesterday and that has never, ever, happened before. I recognized it right away but... goodness.

Last night I got thrown away like trash by someone I cared about. I didn't do anything, but I guess a girl he's been with for two months has more weight than me, even when I didn't do anything wrong. I was mad, and I cussed, and I cried. And then when I woke up this morning I decided I wouldn't ever let Satan break me down like that again, especially not behind a person.

"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and difficult is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." -Matthew 7:13-14

The silly neighbors put a password on their internet. How rude.

Apparently last week around this time I accidentally went psycho over you know who. He likes a girl; DUH right? But before that had been brought to my attention, I was all excited about a whole bunch of bull. I was planning when to tell him how I feel and pretending that if he found out nothing would change. I super don't know what my problem was, but I probably needed that big huge slap in the face by reality. I havent seen him in three weeks, and counting. It looks like I'll be counting for another week, though. I'm sure I'll be super nervous and naucious when I do get to see him. KILL ME NOW, YO!

This summer I've grown closer to the people in my youth group. Its all good except that it seems the closer I get to F51, the more distant I get from everyone else. I'm more likely to go out of the way to help someone in my youth group than to help my other "friends" [with the exception of a few people]. Thats not fair for other people, but I also find it difficult to care. :P I feel like our ministry is about to BLOW UP, and I dont want anyone to be left out because of internal struggles, and definitely not because of external struggles.

God has done great things in my life and in lives of those near and dear to me; and it don't stop. I've seen God move in some ways I never thought I'd see.

I love Jesus Christ so much, and I pray he use me in any and every way: consume me from the inside out. Amen.

Tonight I'm heading out to Alabama with a few of my favorite people in the world to witness God's presence at The Ramp. I know in my heart that God has something in store for me because Satan is all over me and my attitude [for that is the easiest way for him to attack me]. But Satan can SIT DOWN, cuz nothing is keeping me from my blessings. I have some stuff I need to recieve and let go of. And in the name of Jesus, its happening in Alabama!

I love Matthew Paul Argenbright. I love Jennifer Avanna West. I love Lewis "Lew Lew" Glin.

I HATE YOU.

I love Matthew :]

YOU HAVE PUT MY HEART IN A HORRIBLE PLACE.

Matthew is trying to fix it. (:

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

Matthew tried to tell me better...

I HOPE I NEVER HAVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

Me and Matthew will always be best friends. :D

WHY DID I EVER WANT YOU IN MY LIFE?

Thank God for BFF Matthew!

My heart is hurting...

Incase there was any confusion.

That is all.

My Pride and Joy

There’s only one place in this whole world that I'd wanna stay at forever. It's small and sometimes the temperature gets up to 1000 degrees, but I love it with my whole heart. I feel Gods presence every time I walk in, and I feel so much love coming from every direction: from heaven above and from each person I encounter. It is the highlight of my life, and really don't know where I'd be without it. Some of the people there have definitely made me a better person, and I thank you all so much.

Chrystal is the warmest and most inviting person I've known. She's so sweet, and shes an actual person too, but you can only tell it on the rarest occasions. I love her.
Eric is a hardcore dork. He's pretty ADD too-- which makes for an interesting youth pastor. Actually, it's makes for a wonderful youth pastor, and we are truly blessed to have him. I love him.
Taylor has been a strong influence in my life for a long time, but she's the reason I ever encountered this place! I won't ever be able to thank her enough. I love her.
Kylie has such a fun spirit! That girl is so beautiful and I know she's gonna be there for me no matter what. She speaks her mind and she speaks of GOD. I love her.
Adam kind of has that glow that lets you know he's a strong young man of God. Whenever he speaks to us from God, you can't help but give him your full attention because you know it's going to be powerful. I love him.
Matthew is my BFF. He know's all my "secrets" because he's so compassionate and trustworthy. He truly seeks God with all his heart, and I'm glad to have finally got to know him. I love him.
Magen is my wife and my absolute idol. She's so beautiful, she loves God and continuously seeks Him, and she never stops getting better. She knows what shes doing in this world; I can proudly say I wanna be like her when I grow up. I love her.
Lane is a stud muffin. There's no denying it. He's one of those sweetie pies who likes to dress up as a mean mean man, and does it well :P. I love him.
Chris F. likes to be difficult, and he knows he does. But everyone loves him just the same, and even though I'd given up on him at one point, I believe he can change this world... when he decides to. I love him.
Josh changed my life with one simple sentence the very first time I'd met him. "God has a plan for your life." I bet he doesn't know that hearing that broke me completely down and available for Jesus to build back up. There’s no way for me to ever repay him. I love him.
Madison is like my long lost little white sister. We laugh at a lot of stuff we probably shouldn't be laughing at, but I wont tell anyone xD. I love her.
Jacob is too shy for his own good. I've missed out on a lot of laughs because of that. When he hits adulthood, there’s not gonna be any stopping that kid. I love him.
Sarah E. took a little while to open up to me, and I was just the same, but I'm glad we've come around. She's a diva and I love it! I love her.
Elizabeth is the sweetest high schooler there ever was. I can sense a bit of a prayer warrior in her, and I hope she knows how beautiful she is, and won't ever let anyone tell her different. I love her.
KK has a special place in my heart. I wish she'd come around more because I adore her. I love her.
Holly showed me so much love when I was just a newcomer. She's always open to visitors. She swears she's half black or something, but she needs to SHUT UP. I love her.
Alisha and I aren't talking anymore for valid reasons, but I'm glad she's a part of what we have. She told me that we've changed her life and I hope she doesn't let anything take her from us, from God. I love her.
Shelby is teaching me patience... 'nuff said. Praise God. I love him.
Karla has a lot of grown up advice that I find myself needing more and more everyday. God is moving in her life; and we can all see it. I love her.
Jamee is my favorite grown up, hands down. I know I can always come to her with my trials and tribulation and she'll answer with hugs and love. I hope she never leaves me. I love her.
Forest used to irritate me to no end. But now I appreciate him for all the reasons that used to irritate me and I’m excited to see him change and grow in the name of Jesus. I love him.
Denise didn't settle too well with me in the beginning, but that woman is a blessing. God placed her with us for a purpose, and I'm so glad He did. I love her.
Keith is my very favorite. I absolutely love him.

The unmentioned were not forgotten, because I love them all too.

Freestyle51: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Galatians 5:1

Matters of the Heart

I've been singing this song like your life depended on it.

"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love. When the evening shatters and the stars appear, and there is no one there to dry your tears, I could hold you for a million years to make you feel my love. I know you haven't made your mind up yet, but I would never do you wrong. I've known it form the moment that we met; no doubt in my mind where you belong. I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue, I'd go crawling down the avenue: know theres nothing that I wouldn't do to make you feel my love. The storms are raging on the rolling sea, and on the highway of regret. The winds of change are blowing wild and free. You ain't seen nothing like me yet. I could make you happy, make your dreams come true; nothing that I wouldn't do... go to the ends of the earth for you, to make you feel my love." -Adele

Remember in the beginning when I simply wanted you out of my system? It's amazing how things have progressed since then, even though I'm the only one that's changed. It's going to be difficult to put this into words.

Last night I went to sleep thinking of you, and when I woke up you were the first person on my mind. And although I haven't seen you in too long, it hasn't effected how much I think of you; it's always been this way. I miss you terribly. I miss seeing your smile. I miss hugging you and trying to resist the urge of staying there forever and melting in your arms. I miss that dazed feeling I get when we let go. I miss gazing into your eyes. I miss the moment I realize you noticed the expression on my face. I miss having to look away before my feelings slip out of my mouth.

I could talk about you all day, since I can't talk to you all day. And I love your company. I just want you around me: in the middle of the day when I'm running errands, and in the middle of the night when my heart screams I love you. My whole demeanor changes when you're with me. I wish we were closer. I wish I could protect you from every evil thing in this world: the fake friends, the heart-breaks, the upsets, the sadness, the hurt, the pain, the loss. I wish you'd let me be your everything: your best friend, your confidant, your lover, your pride, your joy.

The feelings I have for you are so unconditional, and so selfless... it's crazy. Is it okay to say I'm in love with you, because that's how you make me feel. Unless it's not okay, then just forget about it...

Proverbs 3:5

I'm so tired. My arms are sore from worshiping You. My legs are weak from jumping up and down for You. My voice is unstable because I screamed so loud to You. I repeated those actions everyday for You because I wanted to feel You; but I could only feel him. And I know not to let any man come between me and You, but isn't this what You wanted? Didn't You put this love in my heart? It's the only logical explanation.

Prayer missions aren't usually for people like me. I don't even consciously pray for myself, but suddenly I'm so dedicated to the cause of Christ in you. Something you said completely set me off. I know there is power in prayer, although I haven't witnessed it for myself; I thought I picked a good time to become one of those witnesses, but He thought otherwise.

For a minute I thought We'd won: me, You, and him. And when I saw him at that altar my heart was so full of love. I worshiped You with all my heart for saving someone so near and dear to me. I worshiped You with all my heart because You had answered my prayers.

I don't know what changed on the last day, but its like everything had come undone and I thought to myself: "Pay attention please. He has something to say to you. What happened, dear? I thought you had your mind made up; what happened?"

To be honest, I didn't take it very well, because I don't understand any of it. I can't understand how someone can be surrounded by Your people and Your love for days and not want to be part of the fellowship. I don't understand how my prayers can be so selfless, and yet go unanswered. I was hurt, and I was mad at You because he is just a human, but You were supposed to work a miracle.

And then the music started to play, and there was an altar call. And I wanted to forget all of my faith because I was angry, but I cried instead and I reached out to Him one more time. I did it for you. And I couldn't hold my tongue anymore; I had to say what was on my mind. I hope you listened. I hope you realized how much I want this for you. I wasn't lying when I told you that you're my favorite. I love you.

And as for You: You're my everything. I still don't understand, not even a little bit, but I'm trusting in You with all my heart. We'll get him. We have to. Amen and amen.

Unmasked

This one's old. Its elementary because I wrote it in eighth grade; but this is how I felt. I wanted to post it because I remember what it's like to be so torn down that you feel you'll never get back up. I remember what it's like to feel so alone in a room full of "friends". I remember wanting to commit suicide. And dear, I want you to know that you will rise again. I am always here for you. You have so much potential that suicide would be robbing the world of greatness. And I love you, so much.

-------------------------------------

All anyone can ever see is my artificial smile

and all anyone can ever hear are my stupid little lies--

amazing that no one can see the sadness in my eyes.

But what if you saw me unmasked?

What if you saw me yesterday

crouched behind the couch?

And what if you could be there tomorrow

to witness me mentally break down?

Then how much longer would you be around?

And for that I am stronger

in holding back each tear.

But today the mask will disappear

as the person beneath is revealed.

More often then not

I get a suicidal thought

or two-- or three--

Look at me!

Can you honestly not see

that I'm reducing into nothing?

Please do not be fooled by my act of happiness;

know it as a cover for my lack of happiness.

Listen to me recite

that "I'm fine", that "I'm alright"

and understand that I am not okay...

It's really hard to recall even a single day

that I sincerely was.

I have horribly low self esteem

but I make up for it by being mean.

I hear putting you down

might bring me up.

But at the end of the day I'm still ready to erupt.

No one cares about me

but I think I'm okay with that.

It's better for them that way

because more then likely I can't care back.

I've trained myself against the human race

because I know exactly what they do.

They lie, steal, cheat and everything else.

So, tell me that that isn't you.

An absolute misanthrope,

and sadly, there is no hope.

So now can you see past my semi-sweet smiles?

And now do you believe my lies?